A visit from granddaughter can cure so much

His son called last night after he got the email from me. He brought their older daughter over today as the baby is quite sick and stayed home with his wife. But hubby was in heaven. He got up, got dressed, came downstairs early and just sat and waited. They arrived about 10 am. Such an energetic little 5 year old. His son brought video tape of both girls, so hubby and son were in the office dubbing it and I took his granddaughter down to my studio and she got tons of things to play with. We came back upstairs and sat at the kitchen table and she made 5 or 6 cards "for grandpa". About wore me out! LOLOL!

I didn't realize they were coming quite as early as they did and had just put a load in my kiln, so as soon as that was done, we went out to lunch. Hubby just sat and smiled the whole time while the granddaughter happily bounced from him to her dad to me.

We came back home and they left and hubby went upstairs to bed and he didn't surface again. I asked and he agreed that it just absolutely wore him out, but it's something he really wanted to do. So I didn't say a word. I just let him sleep the rest of the day. I let him and his son have quite a bit of time alone together and I haven't bothered to ask what they talked about. But hubby was completely pleased over the visit and his son promised to come back soon. I have plans to go on an artist retreat in about 3 weeks and suggested they come while I'm gone, so they are going to try and arrange that.

When I went to clean his wound tonight, I told him that the center of the open wound looks like orange jello. I've never seen anything like that at all. Did absolutely nothing for my queasy stomach. I'm glad he goes to the doctor in just 2 days. I have a feeling it's gout showing through the wound, but absolutely no idea if that's what it is or not.

Thanks for all your kind comments yesterday. I really do know his swelling in his face and eyes is related to kidney failure. For today, I'm deciding to take the path of trying to keep him happy and comfy. He was extremely happy today. :o)

DW

He is swelling up

Well, I "knew" that. But my sister and her hubby came today. They got here about 8 am and I hadn't finished drying my hair, so I ran back upstairs to do that and my sis came right behind me, shut the bedroom door and said, "Do you know how bad he looks?" and I jokingly said, "Do you know how bad I look?" LOLOL! Well, she wasn't kidding. She got so serious on me and said that his whole body is swollen up and his eyes are just little slants. And I said, "I know".

And I do know. He has put on 40 pounds in the last 3 months and it's because his kidneys are not flushing anything out of his system. With his enlarged prostate, he rarely urinates....and when he does, it comes on so sudden and he has no control over it.

So yes, I really do know. We had a dog that we loved about 6 years ago. He died of kidney failure. His whole body just swelled up and you could push in on his skin and it was like liquid. No idea why poor puppy's kidneys quit, but he was gone in less than 5 days. I'm hoping I have a bit longer than that.

I told her that I'm going to the doctor with him on Tuesday. This is just the foot doctor. I'm going to ask if there's any way we can get an earlier date with his kidney doc than December. Maybe there is nothing anyone can do for him at this point. She agreed it is heart breaking to watch him like this.

The gout infection has increased in his incision today. I have been cleaning it morning and night. He probably did too much walking on it yesterday, so today, I got the crutches out. Do you think he used them? NOT!

My sis and I had a good discussion today. Do I nag him to no end, make him eat right, make him use the crutches, try to at least stall what is going on in his body? Or do I just let him do whatever he wants to do as long as he has left in the world and try to laugh and make him as happy as possible? I'm so torn between the pros of both sides of that coin.

Our uncle recently died of throat and neck cancer. Mom (a retired FNP) advised him to NOT have the cancer removed, and to do as many things as he had dreamed of doing as fast as he could do them. He went on a cruise in the Mediterranean (sp?) and saw his grandkids every weekend. He was truly happy and satisfied when he died. Sometimes, I think mom is just beyond smart! And right now, I think I just want my husband to be as happy as he can be. And if that means he doesn't use crutches, or he eats burgers 3 times a day, maybe that's the path I should let him take. I'm just not real good at being a "policeman"....and I certainly don't need him snapping at me just because I'm trying to remind him what's best for him.

It's so incredibly hard when you love someone so much and you see their life ending right before your eyes. Yesterday, I think I grieved this all day long. I'm much better today, just taken aback that his condition has deterioriated so fast since they last saw him which was only 5 weeks ago. It's really hard to see when you live with someone every single day.

I have emailed his kids and asked them to come visit him. I think he would enjoy their company so much. But they are in their early 30s and I remember that time frame so well in my own youth....the last thing I wanted to do was go visit mom & dad! Fortunately...I've grown up just a bit since then! I'm pretty sure his son will call and come visit. Not so sure about his daughter. But I know he would dearly love to see his granddaughters.

And I'm taking steps to get paperwork in order. It's time. So I will be quite busy this next week taking care of things I've been putting off. Nothing like today to start!

DW

The FNP said

"it's really bad". And that's all she said when she looked at his foot today. She did mark the dark pink and light pink areas of infection with an ink pen and said if that grows past the line, we need to call his doctors immediately.

She also told me how to clense the wound....which is not exactly what his doctors told him to do, but I'm going to follow her insructions for the present.

He is now totally unable to walk. He is confined to the upstairs bedroom. Well, he can make it to the bathroom, but does not come downstairs. Yep, I am definitely getting my workout! Not exactly tye type I had in mind....but I can tell my legs, calves and ankles are definitely getting stronger.

I had my 3rd Thursday art group here today and it was just fantastic. Such a stress relief. Time for me to play. They got a total kick out of the fact that he calls me on my cell phone in my basement studio when he needs something. We took turns running the stairs today so I got some relief!

Ah! Good friends! Sure do help! I just need about 300 more of them! :o)

DW

A new day, a new insight

Feeling much better today. Back home, in my own bed with the heating pad on! I often wonder what like was like before heating pads were invented! LOL!

Hubby's foot is not doing well. I had to clean it for him tonight as he can't reach the incision. There is a gout infection there. The stitches have burst open in the shape of a "T". It is filled with puss and the surrounding areas are quite red. He is on antibiotics and has a new pain med which thankfully is giving him some relief. I have a FNP coming over tomorrow to look at the wound and show me how to clean it better.

I'm over the "I want to run away" feelings and on to "I want to be proactive about this" feeling. We had a fairly successful conversation at dinner tonight and if all goes will, I will be going with him to the doctor on Tuesday. That is such a huge step from a guy who said I had absolutely no reason to go with him to his doctor. So I'm pleased.

In addition, my sis called. Her hubby just survived a heart attack and he wants to come down and spend the weekend and talke with my hubby and tell him how important it is for him to make some changes in his life. I don't know why, but I'm totally hopeful that he will listen. Only time will tell.

Mom seems to be adjusting to her new place, I think we got all of her change of addresses done, so a bit of stress lifted there.

And yes, I am/was/will be suffering from caregiver burnout and am going to talk to his physicians abou that. As well as continue to search for a one level residence that we can move to.

So it was a good day for me...I'm doing much better.

DW

I feel a huge depression coming on...

I'm off visiting mom. About 100 miles from home. I thought I could "get away" and get some rest....but no. He called. He went to the doctor's and there is a gout infection on top of where they just did the surgery to remove the gout and infection.

I tell you....it is never going to heal.

He can't walk. They did give him a new pain med which does seem to be taking the edge off the pain and then told him to go to bed for 2 days.

He went to the Apple store.

I can't change him. Oh! How I wish I could. I wish he would just take care of him. I did ask if he wanted me to come home, but he told me to stay. Mom just moved into a new place and she hasn't driven in about a year, so I'm here taking her around to get all the mandatory change of addess forms, etc. So he understands that I need to be here to help her for a few days.

But I need to be home to help him.

Yet in some strange way, being here with mom is just a little better. Maybe it's just a change of scenery. At least she and I have had a few laughs.

Am I bad to not want to go home knowing that I have to go? Do you ever just want to run away? Like maybe to New York City and just lose yourself in the crowd of people there?

I'm feeling like I want to run away tonight. I don't want to face his future. Not at all.

Intolerable pain

I've always thought hubby had a high pain threshold. Well, at least much higher than mine. But today, he wanted to ride in the back seat of the car, laying down, with his leg propped up on the window....that's how much pain he is in. He has never wanted to do that in the past.

I did some research last night on his foot surgery. Come to find out....it can be the worst type of pain...and it can last for more than 3 months. Yes, worse pain that what he was in that made him want the surgery done in the first place.

Oh sigh!

He does not want to drive anywhere, so that makes me the driver. I'm getting a bit tired of running him back and forth to the doctors. And of course, I am doing exactly what I said I would not do since he is bringing all of this on himself by being so non-compliant.

Why do we do the things we swear we won't do? I think it's because it's a comfort zone....nothing is forcing us to move on, to make a different choice, to change who we are. For as much as I love this man....he is slowly, but surely, wearing me out. Maybe I'm just tired today and need a nap! :o)

DW

How long will he live on dialysis?

There's a new comment on the 9/30 blog from the widow of a non-compliant diabetic. In answer to your questions, yes, I've done the research:

75% of those who go on dialysis after the age of 50 live 5 years or less. 25% will live longer than 5 years, but the stats drop significantly. Most of them die from a heart attack.....from damage caused to the nerve endings in the heart.

So I do think I'm being quite realistic about all of this. I'm trying to enjoy the time we have left.

Your comment is quite timely as we had just been out to dinner tonight. I hope it was the lighting in the restaurant, but I looked at him and was just floored by how "old" and weak he looked. I know the foot surgery has zapped him of his energy, but I couldn't help wondering how long we have left.

At the same time, I cannot begin to think about the "what if's" his demise would bring. I don't know how you managed to get through it. I can't worry about that now..I have to worry about just getting through today with him.

His foot is giving him substantial pain and he is knocking back the pain pills at a rate greater than I am comfortable with. With his low kidney function, it just cannot be good. Fortunatley, he goes to see the surgeon on Monday.

Here's to all of us spouses of non-compliant diabetics. May you have a peaceful weekend. You deserve it!

DW

Is it Thursday already?

LOLOL! Where does the time go? I swear, I bury myself in my studio...and have no sense of life around me! Well, until he calls my cell phone and I run upstairs to help him out.

He's doing a lot better today. Even talking about getting out a bit. He goes back to the doctor on Monday. And then he is waiting on a call back from the kidney specialist as he needs to see him. His moods have been a bit more mellow this week..or maybe it's just that I've been hiding from him. :o)

I'm enjoying the quiet this week. Still sleeping in the other bedroom until he gets the "boot" removed as he needs the extra space to spread out and prop his foot up on pillows.

I've also noticed that he has cut back on eating so much candy and cookies. Excellent step! Now..if we can just get rid of the potato chips.....ah...baby steps!

A mood a moment

I'm so tired of mood swings. But I relate them more and more to sugar levels. And I'm handling them a little better...I think. Today, we were joking and laughing about lunch. He said he didn't want to drive, so I said I'd drive, but he had to decide where we go to eat. He named a restuarant and I jokingly said, "Oh gag me!"

And he got mad. And immediately I thought, "he must be low". So I just said to him, "what is your problem....we are just joking..I don't care where we go to lunch"..and I think the tone of my voice must have said it all because he got over his fit real quick. He ate lunch and he was pefectly fine after that.

But it's enough to make me want to run away from home.

On the road to recovery

Well, it's Friday and hubby is just now starting to get around on crutches. This has been a long, hard week. He has been in so much pain and then keeps getting sick form the pain meds. He finally made it down the stairs today, so I call that great progress.

Me...I've lost 10 pounds running up and down stairs all week long! LOL!

My sis and her hubby are coming tonight to spend 2 nights. I think it will be good. A diversion. Hubby is getting just a bit of cabin fever and quite bored with himself. My brother-in-law will be great entertainment and my sister and I are going shopping tomorrow. So good to have sisters who will help out!

I'm definitely gaining muscle in my calves and thighs! I also did 10 minutes on the stairstepper this morning (now why did I do that?) and 15 minutes on the stationary bike. Trying to increase my activitiy.

So looking forward to a great weekend!

DW

143 days of my healthy ways!

I haven't posted this in awhile...but I'm still on track. This is 143 days of no sugar, no soda and no red meat for me.

Each day I prove to myself that he could do this...if he would only change how he eats. I am doing my part to set the example....he is just not following.

I am also trying to cut out white flour and potatoes....but that is a much slower transition. I have cut way, way back....but not 100% yet. It's a goal. And it's good to have goals!

I used to eat whole bags of tootsie rolls while designing in my studio. I used to eat dessert with every meal. I used to snack on hostess twinkies.

So if I can do this....completely and totally cut all sugar and sweets out of my life....then anyone can do it! And yeah....I'm not even eating things that are "legal"...like angel food cake! If it falls in the category of dessert...it's gone! That includes sugar free pudding, sugar free candies..all of it!

I've also give up nutri sweet, splenda...all of those. I use stevia if I need anything. But I'm learning to live my life without anything sweet.

Anyone want to join me on this journey of setting an example for the diabetic in their life? And yes...I'm still losing weight! An added bonus!

DW

Diabetics in Denial on Oprah.

Buried down on 9/24 is this comment:

Anonymous said...
this might be of interest...

https://www.oprah.com/plugger/templates/BeOnTheShow.jhtml?action=respond&plugId=290000001

Well, of course I checked out the link and I'm thrilled to see that she might be having a show on this topic, so I urge anyone who reads this blog to check out the link and submit.

Did I submit? Yes. With the condition that only my blog be referenced and that it be kept confidential. I can't fathom the retribution I would receive if hubby found out I'm writing about his personal life. But I can't fathom my blood pressure if I didn't get this out of my system by writing about it!

I believe that Oprah does a wonderful job of educating the American public on a wide variety of topics. But this one is too sensitive for me. I live in this world of denial 24/7. I can't go on a show and talk to the world about it and then come home and live with it. And having him go on the show is not going to get him out of his denial. That has to come from within him....it can't be forced. And I have to continue to live with him.

My question today has been this, "Is his denial a form of abuse to me?" Oh dear....that's more than I can think of while we are recovering from foot surgery...so I will ponder my thoughts on that another day.

Today has been difficult. He got so ill from the Vicadin and I have a total gag reaction to that. He did get the pain meds switched around...but I have run up and down the stairs, fetching things and doing things for him so much that I am truly starting to get irritated tonight. I just can't do this. And this is only day 2. I took his dinner up to him and had just returned to start mine when he yelled down and wanted me to come take his trash and the extra chicken breast that he did not eat. I simply asked, "can it wait until I finish eating?" I just had to wonder....does he think I don't need nourishment to run up and down the stairs? LOL!

I'm not young. I have lived enough years to be retired. I never dreamed I would spend my retirement as a caregiver. When you are young...you just don't think about things like that.

I don't know how caregivers do this day in and day out. I just don't know. I noticed that I need to change the sheets on the bed and he has already called down for my next trip upstairs. I tried to go to my studio in the basement earlier...he called me on the cell phone. If I didn't think that was hilarious...I'd probably just sit down and cry!

Well, my doctor did tell me that she wanted me to increase my activity level....I think she will be happy! LOLOL!

Fortunately, my "other" life as an artist has had some excellent, wonderful, fabulous news in the past 48 hours. That is what sustains me through the dark side of my life....the light that comes from creating art that is getting seen around the world. Perhaps the darker this side grows, the more powerful my art is becoming. More thoughts for me to ponder another day when I have more energy to think!!

DW

Planning for kidney failure

Can one plan for that? Well, I am starting to think so. Hubby has had a terrible reaction to the pain meds and been sick to his stomach since about 3 am. I can't begin to count the number of times I have been up and down stairs...getting things that he needs. And that got me to thinking about our future and what we are going to need in order for me to continue to care for him at home. Because I know that in the future, I won't be able to do this.

1. A one level house with at least 2 bedrooms. One for him and one for me. He took up the entire king size bed with his foot last night. No way we could share a bed when he is home from a surgery and since this is the 3rd time they've cut out gout...I can only imagine it's just the beginning.

2. Deep sink near the bedroom to rinse out pans and such. You just can't rinse stuff in a normal bathroom sink.

3. He needs his own bathroom. Today, we have meds spread out all over the bathroom sink counter, all over every available inch of dresser and nightstand top. I sort of feel like it's turned into a mini hospital room....and that's just not conducive to rest for me.

4. An extra wide garage so he can get in and out of the car. Or perhaps just one vehicle in a 2 car garage.

5. A residence that is close to carry-out or delivery, including a grocery store that delivers. He is just not able to go anywhere at the moment. As long as I'm here, I can run errands. But let's just say that I had a family emergency and had to leave...we need to have ammenities available nearby.

6. It hit me today that I need to find a courier service of some type for prescriptions. If I'm not here, someone needs to come get his insurance card, and then go get the RX and bring it back. The pain meds have made him so sick that he needs a new Rx.

7. A toilet located closer to the bed. Interestingly, in our bedroom, you walk down a hall, past 2 closets, past the shower and then you get to the toilet. Never gave that much thought until today.

8. Refrigerator and microwave inside the bedroom! LOL! Well....closer than down a flight of stairs and through 2 rooms. I need to research ADA houses next.

9. Trash can that slides out from under the bed with a remote control device. Seriously! This guy can't toss trass 2 feet!

10. A mini bar next to my bed because I'm going to start drinking if he doesn't get all well real soon! :o)

DW - trying desparately to find an ounce of humor today.

Surgery

I do love the nurses and doctors at our hospital! We had him laughing right up til the moment they wheeled him into surgery. Of course, they do not take photos here...so I jokingly said that I would, whipped out my iphone...and have several of his foot.

Truthfully? I am shocked they are continuing on with the operation. His foot healed up this week at sea level...and there is nothing but a tiny little bump. It looks better than it ever has. Yet they are still going to operate. With the warning that it may not do a bit of good.

They were talking about his DNR. Neither one of us wants to end up on life support at any phase of our life. But we were informed that now adays, they suspend DNRs during surgery because levels can fall so low...but they can bring you back so quick. The DNR only becomes effective once the patient leaves post-op. Wow! I did not know that!!! 15 years ago, my dad went into surgery with a DNR that they did not honor. He had 2 heart attacks on the table....and when they brought him back...he remained on life support for the next 6 weeks until we were able to hire attorneys to force the DNR into effect. I just don't ever want to go through that again. Yet at the same time...I have learned the power of attorneys when it comes to a DNR.

I do love the thoroughness of this hospital. But I don't like the new numbering system. The patient is given a number. It goes up on an electronic board. I sit here and watch as his number changes colors as he goes through the phases of surgery. Right now, he is in the operating room and scheduled to come out to post op at 1:30 pm. Then he turns a different color (ok...the number on the board turns a different color...NOT him! LOL) My biggest problem...the numbers on the board are too small for my eyes to see! I have to squint my eyes and step backwards and forwards until I can get to where I can see what it says....readers just don't help for a digital screen about 12' up on the wall!

So, here I sit in the surgery waiting room. There must be 30 people in here. Not quiet...quite noisy in fact. I'm alone...except for my laptop that keeps me connected to the outside world. And I'm looking around me wondering just how many other relatives and friends are sitting here waiting because the patient is a person who will not take care of their own health.

The good thing in all of this is that I am more and more determined to take better and better care of me. I do not ever want to be at the point where I am having surgery for something that I could have prevented. It's just not worth it!

On the other hand..I'm sitthing here with his wallet...all of his credit cards...perhaps I should go shopping online! LOLOL!!!

DW - needs to find her own humor in all of this!

Would someone ask me what "I" need?

Kim posted on my 9/25 blog:

"I am so ready for someone to ask me about my needs.Instead I am making sure he has....." and my heart just skipped a beat. I think this must be the cry of just about every spouse of a non-compliant diabetic that I've met. We just want someone (anyone) to ask us what we need....while we spend our waking moments providing for the needs of our diabetic spouse.

That got me to thinking. The less my personal needs are met because I am spending so much time taking care of him...the more I am going to NEED to have my needs met in order to survive. It truly is a catch 22 situation...a no-win place that I really don't want to be.

Hubby joked this week that someone told him his "lifeline" on the palm of his hand is that he will live to be age 90. I quietly said, "you will be blessed to live to age 60". To which he replied "You can live a long time on machines!"

OK, so I KNOW that he was just joking....but there was an element in what he said that put the fear of I-don't-know what in my deepest soul! I can't fathom being his caregiver for years and years and years on end if he thinks he is going to survive that long on dialysis. I met someone just this week who knows someone else who has been on dialysis for 40 years. I'm telling myself right here and now...I will not live like that.

Imagine...3 hours....every other day....YES!!! I FEEL SORRY FOR THE PERSON HOOKED UP.....but WHO take care of their caregiver? I'm starting to think this has nothing to do with love...it has to do with survival. And IF I determine that I cannot survive as his caregiver...then I will leave.

But what about a spouse who has young kids at home? Do you walk out? Once again, I'm referring only to a diabetic who intentionally and knowingly makes a choice to NOT take care of themselves.

Lets face it. My husband came on a 10 day trip and did NOT bring his testing kit. He doesn't know if he is high or low. He QUIT giving himself his 6 pm shot of insulin because he doesn't like taking 3 shots a day. He has probably had some type of beef at least once a day on this trip....when he knows his uric acid levels are sky high. He has made these decisions.....and then he thinks I'm going to stick around and be here for him when he can't walk? When they amputate his feet? When he has to go on dialysis?

If he did ever ask me "What do you need?" I would simply state, "A husband who loves me enough to take care of himself."

I doubt I have much to worry about...I doubt he will ever ask. But there is great comfort knowing there are other spouses out there who, like me, would just like him to ask, just once.

Thanks Kim! By the way, what do you need?

DW

Creatine was 2.7, now 2.5

He is such a liar! The other day, he told me the test was at 2.4. Now, with the retest, he says it's at 2.5 today, but the last test was 2.7. I really don't know what to believe!

I ran the GFR on 2.7 and that puts his kidneys at a 26% function. Now THAT I believe!

I can't deal with any of this today...I'm off to teach workshops. And as long as I ignore this bit of news...I can have some fun...I hope!

I almost think I can handle the diabetes...it's all the lies that I CANNOT stand!

A lovely day!

Finally, I am on vacation!!! I took off this morning and went to visit the ocean...alone! Then I went to my favorite little dress shop on earth and although I didn't buy a thing, I had so much fun looking and trying things on! A few more sizes...perhaps the next trip here....and I WILL be making some purchases! But no sense buying when I plan to shrink out of it! :o)

From there I visited an old buddy at an antique shop....then had lunch with 2 gal pals that are artists...that I knew before any of us turned to art. After that, I visted yet another artist friend. Such a wonderful day seeing friends I haven't seen in nearly a year. I do need to come visit a bit more often. It's good for the soul!

Hubby did not get the results of the re-take of the kidney function test today...so hopefully sometime tomorrow. We are sort of in limbo as we don't really know if he is still going to have foot surgery on Tuesday.

We did agree on a location if we decide to move here...but so far, his feet have shown no improvement on this trip. So perhaps there is no relationship to altitude and feet.....but I still much prefer the temperate climate....and the thought of no seasons is just fine with me. I do think I could live anywhere along a southern seashore....the Atlantic, Pacific or Gulf Coast. I love the ocean and I love the climate.

But a note to self....he has been sleeping more and more this week. Taking naps between work related calls during the day. I heard him snoring at 10 am this morning! He's snoring now. The doctor has taken him off the meds for his uric acid problem...because of the creatinine level reading....and I imagine that also has something to do with his feet not improving here.

It doesn't end, does it?

I've also been wondering this week.....for all the tell-tale signs that I can see on the outside of his body....the gnarls on his feet, the uric acid boils, the red inflamed joints in his wrists, and the open sores on his arms....what must be going on inside of him? It just makes you wonder.

OIY! What a day!

There is a fine line (I think) between what is related to sugar lows and what is normal learned behavior. But when there are rapid changes in behavior....then I'm content to blame it on sugar lows. And this week....I'd have to say the problem is definitely memory/anger related.

I have noticed that when he is on business calls...he is just totally yelling at staff. He is so angry with everything that is going on at work right now I think he's going to have a heart attack. I mean the word "fuming" doesn't describe his anger. And he has been so calm for quite some time now. Can't help but wonder if this isn't sugar level related.

Yesterday was such a fiasco. After 2 hours of getting him his ID for here, then going to the labs, and him arguing that it wasn't the right labs....I said last night, "why don't we go do the labs as early as possible and then from there go down to .....and check out new housing developments going in?"

This morning, I'm still in my jammies, lounging around, sort of thinking "how nice....lazy day" and he comes out and says, "I'm ready to go!"

I'm totally stunned! I said, "go get the labs done? Are you done for the day?" Well, of course not! And after a bit of me explaining and asking questions, he says, "I really didn't hear you say anything about going to look at new developments". So I reminded him of his comments back to me yesterday and he did agree that we had discussed that, he just totally forgot.

Is that normal behavior or is he having a sugar low? Was he having a low yesterday when we were talking about our plans for today and he just really didn't remember? I want to believe him, but......

So I got dressed and drove him down to get the labs done. We stopped on our way back for some breakfast and as I'm driving, I decide that I'm not going to do any more househunting. It's just not worth it. Moving is NOT going to solve anyting. Moving to a one level condo is not going to make this problem any better. Oh, yes, it will solve the problem of crutches, but we can also just put a bed in the living room on the main floor of our house. I just think today (and maybe I will feel different in the morning) that rather than deciding where to move, I need to decide whether to move out or stay with him.

It hit me that wanting to move for the sake of getting him into a one level place is just an escape for me. It's running away from our current problems. And yes, maybe I need to run away....but I need to do it alone. I have now spent a second morning helping him out with diabetic related issues and I SWORE I would not do this. This happens to be "my" vacation as well....and I need to start it today!

So I've called an old friend, an older lady, and I'm going to go visit her this afternoon. Much more fun than looking for a place to live at sea level! :o)

And I made another decision. I am going to spend this fall/winter downsizing. I'm going to sell stuff and give stuff away, clean out things and get ME to a bare minimum position. Then next spring, I will make my decision as to whether I stay or leave. Baby steps. Just doing one thing at a time. It's all I can handle with everything else that's going on.

Creatinine level is 2.4

He looked it up online today and shared that with me at breakfast. So I simply started asking questions. What do you think that means? Do you think this is why your feet are so bad? Do you think they might delay the surgery? Do you think changing your insulin shots has any baring on this?

Normal conversation going on at breakfast. He said he was tired of taking 3 shots a day and was only going to take 2. So I quietly asked him why was he taking them at 6 am and 10 pm, not 6 am and 6 pm like he used to do and he said because it's what was easy to do.

Now, I know I was pushing and I still don't for one second think this is what his doctor has ordered him to do, but he claimed it was, so I said, "I sure wish I could just quit taking my pills because I think that's what would be easiest for me!" (He knows that I have a severe gag reaction and will often vomit just from taking a few vitamins.) And he says, "You have done that." And I said, "Only after discussing it with my doctor and getting their approval." And he said, "this is a STUPID argument...just drop it!"

Well, I did not think it was an argument at all.....but more confirmation that his doctors do not know he has changed his insulin. Because there's no other reason this suddenly became a "stupid argument" except I he knows he is not telling me the truth. It just makes no sense to me that they would make a change when all was going so smoothly....and here we are back to our daily arguments, confrontations, heated discussions.

And yes, I still chant in my brain "I have 2 choices....stay or leave". Well, today, I'm thinking more and more than I'll be packing my bags and moving on in a few weeks/months because I just am not going to put up with this change in his behaviour.

So anyway.....we got back after breakfast and I've been doing some research and found some interesting websites that I rather like.

This one talked about creatinine levels and using a GFR calculator:

http://kidney.niddk.nih.gov/kudiseases/pubs/yourkidneys/

This one provides a GFR calculator:

http://www.kidney.org/professionals/KLS/gfr_calculator.cfm


So here's where my hubby is:

Stage 4: Severe reduction in GFR (15 to 29). Continue following the treatment for complications of CKD and learn as much as you can about the treatments for kidney failure. Each treatment requires preparation. If you choose hemodialysis, you will need to have a procedure to make a vein in your arm larger and stronger for repeated needle insertions. For peritoneal dialysis, you will need to have a catheter placed in your abdomen. Or you may want to ask family or friends to consider donating a kidney for transplantation.

I don't think his health care will do anything until he gets a GFR of 15.

He did call his doctor's office when we got back here and they ordered new labs for him. Of course, I spent 2 hours on the phone making arrangements to have them done where we are since we are not at home and insurance has to be pre-notified for out-of-area services. (I'm totally thinking we are not going to move because it is just going to be more work that it's worth!!!)

Don't tell me this disease doesn't impact the spouse! That's TWO hours out of my life taking care of the administrative end of this for him. No, he couldn't do it, he's working "on the clock" today and doesn't have time to make all those calls.


We will go get the labs done this afternoon and then I think he should have the results by Thursday. Well, there is a chance the reading is a fluke, but I'm thinking with all the other symptoms/changes we have gone through lately, there is something major going on in his body at this time.

http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/533695_5

an interesting website stating that at stage 4, 45.7% will die within 5 years. 19.9% will be on RRT within 5 years. With an even higher chance of death from heart related problems.

And did I remember to note that he did NOT bring his glucose meter with him on this trip? We are gone for 10 days and no ability to test his blood sugars. I just think this is even more indication that he remains in denial as to how serious his kidney disease is.

Early morning anger

Well, today we were driving across some pretty baren land, no traffic at all, and things were quite lovely. But as we headed into the "big" city....traffic increased and his patience decreased. Right about 10:30 am (the time of his past lows) he just nearly blew up at the traffic around us. No one could do anything right. And he would go right up to the bumper of a semi before passing them when there was no reason he could not have merged left a long way back. Scared me to death!

So I told him I was ready to drive. He pulled into a gas station and totally blew up over a simple issue with the pump and his credit card. Just as angry as I have ever seen him in my life. I just hate it when he gets this way.

I would so much rather drive than listen to him swear at every other vehicle on the road. And he is not always like this. I think it's just when he is having a bit of a low. Today was quite bad.

As for the incontenence, we had 2 more incidences on this trip, but handled them by just immediately pulling over. Now, when there's no traffic around, that's quite ok. But when there's a ton of other cars going past you? I just wonder when it will be a cop that pulls up next to him while he is relieving himself along the freeway. Yes, he is going to have to see a doctor about that as soon as we get back home. The big question is....will he?

DW

Kidney Failure and denial

Yesterday, we were at his parent's house and his dad asked him how his diabetes was. He said, "just fine".

His dad said, "why are you having surgery on your foot then?" and he replied, "I have a bone spur that they want to remove.

This morning, we are on the road to our final destination, he cell rings and it's his doctors office. Well, it is the surgeon's office. They are calling because they are concerned that his creatin level is way too high from the pre-op lab work and they want him to call his regular physician's office. He told them he would do that.

He hung up and I asked him what that meant? He said, "I'm going to die."

And I said, "No, seriously, does it mean dialysis?"

And he said, "well, it could".

It's now 6:42 pm and he did not call his doctor's office. So I gently asked if he was going to do that in the morning, and he said, "sure".

So I'm trying to get inside his head and figure this out. (OK, I KNOW that's not possible, so I'm just making notes to myself again).

He told his dad that his diabetes is just fine. Because he has said that diabetes is a disease of the pancreas, not of the kidneys.

Kidney failure has nothing to do with his diabetes. It is a result of the pancreas not producing insulin, and the kidneys wearing out. (Truly, I think this is how this man thinks).

I have yet to figure out why his doctor had him reduce the insulin shots from 3 per day to 2 per day, but there has been a direct increase in the number of morning screaming matches between us. (More on that one later and ok, not really screaming matches....but he is definitely irritated in the mornings!)

His foot surgery is to remove a bone spur. Well, I swear it's calcified gout....will be interesting to hear what the doctor tells me as I plan to be right there and will be asking a whole lot of questions.

I also plan to get another appointment with the diabetic nurse and the nutritionist as soon as we get back home as I really want to know why the changed his insulin. Everything was going pretty calm. And now it's not.

But my main concern is why this guy cannot see that ALL of this is related to diabetes. And that he could prevent so much of it if he would just take better care of himself.

I know I am not ready for him to be on dialysis. I just know it will be my hell on earth.

DW

Helping Spouses

Albert sent me a link to this site: http://www.healthcentral.com/diabetes/c/17/14096/helping-spouses/

And I read the article and here are my thoughts on it.

1. Yes, I do agree, a spouse can be the gentle snowfall. “Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it lingers in the mind.”

However, I have lived high in the mountains where a soft, gentle snow, that keeps coming down...and doesn't stop....can turn into a 5 foot drift and no one can plow through it for days on end! :o)

2. "they call this strategy “dropping the rope,” she says. The idea comes from training horses. When a horse in a corral is pulling back and resisting being led somewhere, you drop the rope and wait. Eventually the horse will start following you around."

I grew up on a 160 acre horse farm....dad always said, "you can lead a horse to water...but you can't make him drink." And on ropes, he always said, "give a man enough rope, he will hang himself."

Touche for cute little sayings!

3. "Family partners are in fact so closely linked, Professor Fisher says, that if one of them has diabetes or is obese, the other is at an increased risk of getting the condition or the weight. If one of them eats too much fat or too many carbs, the other is likely to do the same"

OK, so this scares the crap out of me!!! And a huge reason why I changed my eating/exercise habits.

4. "The positive side of that equation is that when one partner loses weight, the other one will do better than before"

So NOT true! I have lost 25 pounds this summer, he has gained 40 pounds. I'd like that therapist to explain that! I think the more I work at eating healthy...the more he balks at eating anything but crap.

5. "The best strategy is to show, rather than tell, your partner with diabetes how to control it by eating sensibly, losing weight, and exercising" and "it’s in your power to lead him there."

OK, I would LOVE to meet a therapist who will for once in their limited perspective put their thinking caps on and step into the life of a spouse of a diabetic. It is NOT my job to "lead" him to better eating. It is NOT in my "power" do to anything to change this man! It does NOT MATTER what I do with my own life....he is going to do exactly what he wants to do with his life. I can expend hours and hours cooking healthy food, preparing him the best meals possible, stocking the refrigerator with only healthy food, filling the pantry with nothing but the best. This man will get in the car and drive 1/2 mile to Burger King 20 minutes after dinner and have a burger, fries and shake. He will go a mile to the store and get a bag of potato chips, come home, and eat them all in one setting. SEE # 4 ABOVE!!!

The concept is a good one, that as a spouse, you can set an example. But concepts are just that. And they do not work in the real world. You cannot lead someone to a healthy lifestyle if they do not want to go there. You cannot change another person. You cannot, cannot, cannot do that. Not if that person does not want to change.

And my personal opinion is that when another person is in denial, in grief, refuses to face the facts, refuses to admit what is wrong.....they will not even begin to see where you are trying to lead them.

Yep, I'm about ready to sit down and eat an entire cheesecake tonight! LOLOL!

Therapists and counselors "think" they know what the answers are...but until you walk a mile in my shoes......

oh, that was another one of dad's great sayings.

DW

Incontinence

Well, he had his first incidence of this on the road today. I think it upset him quite a bit. I had already researched this when he said his prostate was enlarged, so it does not come as much of a surprise. We've already experienced a few bouts of bowel incontenence and now this. I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I know he isn't.

What did surprise me was he said his doctor told him that he no longer needs his 6 pm insulin shot. He only takes them when he wakes up and goes to bed now. I wonder if this change is what has triggered our recent rounds of lows? I think I will go back to charting the time the outbursts occur. I wonder if the doctor ordered this change or if he just decided to make the change. I'm more apt to believe this is the case.

Other than that, today's leg of our road trip was uneventful (like that's not more than enough?)

DW

Road Trip tomorrow, no internet....

I have my journal packed and will be writing down my thoughts as we cross the mountains and travel to the Pacific Ocean. Oh! How I love to sit on the beach, dig my toes into the sand and listen to the gentle sound of waves tumbling over rocks and sand. I can hardly wait!

No idea if/when I will have internet access. I am totally looking forward to a few day of teaching workshops (art related) and a few days of rest and relaxation. I am so hopeful that his feet will heal once again at sea level. And we might even spend a day looking at places to live in the event we decide to move to a lower altitude.

My bags are packed and I'm ready to go! :o)

DW

Adrenaline and insulin

From the internet:

"Any danger or stress triggers the release of adrenaline and other hormones into the blood stream and it is these hormones that enable the body to defend itself. Breathing and the heart rate increase and blood pressure rises pumping more blood to the muscles so that they are ready for action. This is when the blood sugars rise. If the stress is eliminated at this stage, then the body relaxes and goes back to normal."

To me, this indicates that regardless of the incitor, whenever there is a release of adrenaline in the body, blood sugars will rise.

A good solid fight with your spouse could trigger a release of adrenaline.

So, I think this must be why my hubby gets so angry with me over nothing so much of the time. Could it be his body's "natural" way of producing adrenaline? Just something to think about.

Last night, I was in bed with my headphones on watching a movie on my little DVD player. The movie ended about 1:30 am, I turned the player off and took the headphones off. He was snoring like a locamotive. I got up and started hunting for my earplugs (I think the puppies must have carried them off!) so I turned the bathroom light on to get another pair out of the drawer and he says, "what are you doing?" I said, "just looking for more earplugs" and he said, "I'm not snoring!". I said, "well, you were". He instantly yelled at me and said, "I'M NOT SNORING, I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO SLEEP. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DREAMING. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

I was absolutely amazed at his comment and something in me just snapped and I looked at him and said, "It is 1:30 am, you have been asleep for over 2 hours and you were snoring as loud as I have ever heard you. You do NOT have the right to make any kind of comment that insinuates there is anything wrong with me."

Found my earplugs and got back into bed and I heard him mumble, "well, maybe I had been asleep, but I sure don't feel like it."

It got me to wondering.....was he having a sugar low and this anger was his body's reaction to bring it back up? In the episode earlier this week, it was about 10:30 am.....the time when he usually has a low according to the nutritionist who charted his daily tests.

I have decided I am going to put myself out there and start telling him that he does not have the right to raise his voice at me. I'm just so tired of all this and it HAS to stop!!! And yes, of course, this morning, he's his usual sweet self....like nothing happened. While I am quite stand-offish....he is widening the chasm between us and I don't think he even has a clue.

Rambling thoughts.

Let me preface this by saying....I decided to edit my notes! LOL! Hubby made a comment the other day that hit me as so totally strange. He has type 2 diabetes. He was on pills for 30 years and then switched to insulin shots when I started blogging in early 2006.

He said that "his" diabetes is a disease of "his" pancreas, not of his kidneys. He said diabetes means you have an non-working pancreas, one that does not produce insulin.

When I did some online research, I find that Type 1 diabetes is where the pancreas does not produce insulin. Type 2 is where the pancreas produces insulin, but it's either not enough, or the body does not process the insulin correctly.

He has had this disease since he was in his twenties. I can't figure out why he made the comment that his diabetes (type 2) is caused because his pancreas does not produce insulin. That's my rambling thought tonight.

Regardless of that, his kidney function is at 30%. I know that people can live without a pancreas. I know that you can live without one of your kidneys, but if you lose both of them you need dialysis. I think what I'm trying to figure out here is why he would say this is all about the pancreas when it's the kidney function that he should be focusing on. OK, I still can't word that they way I want to word it. He thinks that his problem is with his pancreas, NOT his kidneys. I have to wonder if this is another way that he is denying the seriousness of his disease. As long as he tells himself it's his pancreas that's the problem, does that justify eating whole bags of potato chips every night?

I fully understand that he absolutely needs to change his diet and exercise....but he does not agree with me. He says that as long as he takes his meds, he can eat whatever he wants. He claims that is what his doctors have told him. Yet when he went with me to the diabetic nutritionist, she disagreed. But of course, she is not a doctor and he will not listen to her. I have to wonder if he does not understand that by continuing to eat the way he does, he will tax his kidneys and be on dialysis sooner than necessary.

This man is absolutely beyond belief brilliant when it comes to some aspects of life. But when it comes to nutrition, I just can't figure out where he is coming from. But one thing I am learning. The less he cares about himself, what goes into his body, and the physical problems he is having.....the more I am learning about nutrition, my own physical health, and the impact of what I eat. So there is positive growth in this for me. Yeah!

OK, I hope I've rewritten this just to clarify my thoughts.

DW

For Better or For Worse.....

Obviously, this is not my first marriage. If it were, I might be more willing to just walk away. But I have learned that there are worse off people to be married to than someone with diabetes. Yet there are days when I wonder how much worse this could get?

A piece of me somewhere inside seems to die each time he yells at me. I blame it on a sugar low. But I am starting to wonder if it is learned behavior. He has a grandmother who is in her 90s, still living, who controls everyone in her life by yelling at them. So perhaps this has nothing to do with his diabetes. Today, I have been asking myself the question...is it learned behavior, or is it drug-induced/medically related behavior?

I know that as an older woman, I have experienced hot flashes.....and that is just miserable. I didn't want to be around another living human being. I just wanted to "sweat it out" alone. My fantasy was always to run out in the back yard in the middle of the night and lie naked in wet grass! Although I never actually did that....I really had to talk myself out of it! So I know that what happens inside the body can have an affect on how we act around other human beings. But when he spews out such vile words as he did 2 days ago, is it a medically related condition....or is it just him?

He followed his usual routine. Did not speak to me for a whole day, woke up yesterday as though nothing ever happened. Kissed me good morning and was back to his usual self. It was a pleasant enough day, but something just wasn't there. Something in me was missing. It's like I don't have the energy to bounce back and forth any more. I don't have the strength to be a loving, devoted, faithful spouse one day and then be on the defensive the next day. Maybe it's just easier to blame the disease rather than blame the man.

Instead, I immerse myself in my art and can smile, laugh and giggle at some of the things I create. There is comfort for me in creating, in working with matter to design something new. I can step out of the world of diabetes and an angry spouse and lose myself in a world that is magic to me. Today, I am melting glass in my kiln trying to see if I can form a glass bracelet. If I fail....I will learn something new in the process. If I succeed, I will be estatic!

I think that's how my life with him is. If we have a normal day with no highs and no lows, no problems with this disease....then I feel so elated! And if we have a day that is filled with misery....I try my best to learn something from it. But every now and then, we have a day like Sunday.....and it just takes time to recover. I just keep reminding myself that there are "worse" things in this life than diabetes.

DW

Another low that he won't remember.....

He just won't remember getting mad, yelling, hollering, making all kinds of accusations towards me. And in about 4 - 6 hours, he will wonder what's wrong with me. Do I tell him I'm just sad from this morning? Do I repeat what he said to me and let him deny it? Do I just go about my day and let him think all is well with the world?

The words hurt. No matter how much you tell yourself that they don't hurt....they continue to cut through you like a knife. And while I "know" that it is not him...it is his sugar low....somewhere deep inside him, he must think these things about me or he would not say them during a low.

And then I have to ask the question.....is this really what he thinks of me? Does the truth surface when he is angry, in the middle of a low, and just frustrated with everything in life?

And if this is really what he thinks of me, then why am I here? How can I love him like I do? Why do I care?

Is it because I am denying this is the truth? Because I cover it up with the excuse of a diabetic low? Because he continues to claim these are words he never said? Yet he said them. And he must truly mean them on some level.

I am truly sad today. I want to cry. But what is the point? I still have 2 options. Stay with him or leave him. I tell myself it's just one morning in a week that has been pretty ok. So stay. But then I wonder....when will the next "one" hit? How long will it last, what will he say that will cut to my bones once again...how much of this can I take?

DW

On driving (me nuts?) :o)

I've notice in the past 2 months that he asks me to drive everywhere we go. It's a slow transition and I didn't even notice until today when he wanted me to drive and I just didn't feel like it. But I did.

Perhaps he is realizing that there is a risk having him behind the wheel? But do I have the energy to play chauffer? Not today! But maybe tomorrow. We are driving to the ocean leaving Friday and I know that I cannot drive the whole distance. But how much should I let him drive? We are breaking the trip up into 3 days. Hotel on Friday night, his parents on Sat and Sun nite, the the ocean on Monday.

But due to my appointments and his surgery schedule, we will be in LA on Monday morning (10/1) and then 1200 miles home that night. YIKES! I'm sure we will be driving into the wee hours of the morning. I'm hoping I can snooze during surgery.

He will be on crutches afterwards and I wonder if I have the energy to be his go-fer girl?

Today, he is not moving about too much...lounging on the sofa, watching TV. His foot just causes him too much pain when he walks.

The doc gave him and Rx for othotics last months. Has he scheduled an appointment yet? No!

His CPap mask needs to be recalibrated (for 3 weeks now)...has e done that? No!

Can I fix him? No! LOLOL!!!

I'm spending the rest of my day in my studio creating, designing and playing! :o)

DW - journaling the journey of a spouse of a diabetic

Foot Surgery on 10/2

Yep, it's official. Well, he said they are not going to amputate, just cut out a portion of the outside of his foot that has not healed in 2 years.

I think it's just the beginning. I don't think this will heal and they will need to carve out more.

But before surgery, we are leaving on 9/21 and going back to sea level for a week just to see if his feet heal. If they do, this would be the 3rd time at sea level that his feet heal and proof that we need to move.

It's going to be outpatient surgery, so I'm not preparing for it....but somehow think I should....like rent a bed for the living room. We will see.

Today, we started on the South Beach diet together. So, here come the lies! My sis is here and I asked him just now if he was going to get on the stationery bike and he said he already rode today. Now, I was gone so I have no proof...but I'm 100% positie he did not set foot on it! LOL! He is just soooooo bad! I don't know why he can't just say, "I don't feel like riding tonight!"

But then I will confess here for my own journaling that when I was at my doctor's yesterday for my annual physical, I asked her to write and RX for me to go on a diet.....so he would help me out. I love my doc! She wrote and RX for the South Beach Diet and I stopped and picked up a book on the way home, then told him I had to do it...would he help me. :o) Hopefully this will at least reduce the number of bags of potato chips that he devours in a week. And maybe get him on the bike at least 3 - 4 nights a week. Better than where we are now.

I know, you all want to email him and tell him what I've done! Well...I do need to eat better and it's my way of loving him....he can help me and think he's doing a good thing!

I'll let you know if it works. The first 2 weeks will be the hardest as we're leaving next week to go visit the ocean. (Sort of like a pet...we must go visit every so often!)

DW

Life's little frustrations

Apple upgraded it's operating systems and there is a glitch for those who have intel based wireless systems...we can't access anything in blogger.

Then I woke up and realized I could get to it from my old laptop! LOL!

There are some days when my brain just does not function! My apologies to those of you who sent notes and they didn't get approved til tonight!

DW

and now....no more movies?

We ALWAYS go out on Friday nite. We call it "Friday nite, date nite". We almost always go to dinner and a movie.

So, this afternoon, I showered and got dressed to go out, brought the laptop downstairs and started asking him what movie he wanted to go see. I could instantly tell from his tone that something was wrong, so I just asked him. Come to find out that he doesn't want to go to movies anymore. He said it's too much trouble to change clothes, go stand in line to get tickets, and too much hassle dealing with people in the movie.

Personally, I think it's because he hurts and just doesn't feel like moving any more than he absolutely has to. He quit work about noon today and has been sleeping on the sofa ever since.

So date nite will now be to order pizza and wings in and watch another movie on TV.

I realize that pain makes a person miserable. But I'm the spouse. And I just don't want to live this miserable lifestyle. Not tonight. I'm not a recluse, I don't want to spend the rest of my days in this house. Don't tell me diabetes doesn't have an impact on the spouse. It sure as heck does! And yes, of course, I can go to dinner and the movies alone....but then what is the point of being married?

I am so pissed off at this %&*(@#$^$*(!#$&(* disease right now I could just scream.

We have a 3 day weekend and I'm going to predict that we sit here and watch TV the entire time. Well...he will. NOT ME!

Sleepless nights

The past 2 nights have just been horrible. It could be due to my brother-in-law's heart attack (he is going to be just fine). But my hobby has had such a bad restless foot syndrome I don't know what to do. On Monday night, he went to sleep with his head at the other end of the bed (close to the TV) and his foot kept flopping right into my face....hard! I finally woke him up and asked him to turn around. He is not wearing his CPAP, so I asked him to please put that back on which he did last night. But he flopped all night long again.

The flops are so hard they literally bounce me in the bed. Very difficult to get any kind of sleep, yet he seems to sleep right through them. His foot will raise at least a foot up off the bed and then flop back down.

He had to get up at 5 am this morning for a business call and he got dressed as he was going to go into the office today. Of course, he sat on the edge of the bed and bounced as he put his shoes on. But I noticed his breathing. This is not the first time I've noticed this, it was very short, rapid and labored breathing. Almost like panting for pregnant women. I don't think he was aware of it at all and it has happened a few times. It's like the least bit of physical activity and he starts to pant.

My sis has gone back to the hospital and hubby has gone to work and I realized this is the FIRST time I've been totally alone in 2 weeks! And I'm so tired all I want to do is go to sleep. But if I sleep today, then I will be awake all night tonight. And I'm certain that he has no idea whatsoever that I haven't slept the past 2 nights. I told my sis this morning that I don't need separate bedrooms...I need a separate house! LOL! She got serious on me and told me that I need to start planning for the day when he has a heart attack. And that made me even more tired. I can't even think about it right now. Maybe tomorrow or the next day. How on earth does one plan for that? Something to ponder.

The body's amazing ability to heal

So, someone stepped on hubby's sore foot and he did not walk for 3 days. On day 4, he was back to normal. Thank goodness! I think he is learning how to manage his injuries a bit better, and what to do when he has an open sore. The pressure from the impact forced his wound open, so it was oozing puss once again, but it has healed closed which is record time for him. Which is a blessing.

He is also doing so much better with what he eats. Today for lunch, he opted for grilled chicken breast. I believe that my eating changes are catching up with him. He is drinking less and less soda, more water. I can tell by the number of bottles that we go through each month. It may not be long before I have to increase our order.

He is sleeping a little less throughout the day and having a little more energy. He is not being real faithful about his CPAP, but at least he is trying to use it.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the kidney's could heal themselves as well? For the moment, I'm grateful for the progress he is making.

DW

Life changes in a single moment

My sis and her hubby were with us all last week in Vegas. We went out riding in the mountains on our ATVs yesterday and had a great time. We all went to the kennel this morning to pick up our pets and they left to go 2 1/2 miles through the mountains to their home. I knew that he was going back to work at noon today. At 2:30, I got a phone call from her telling me that he had had a heart attack and they were air lifting him to the "big" city.

And I just started crying. He is only 54 years old. Just a year younger than me. Way too young. And I know she is not ready for this at all.

There are a zillion things that flash through your mind. Like....I just saw him this morning. He was perfectly ok. He looked great. Are you sure he had a heart attack? Is this some kind of a joke?

She had just had my hubby help her place an order for a new computer online last night and wanted me to cancel the order. Amazing what you can do when you explain that someone has just had a major heart attack and you don't know if they will live or not. Amazing service. The order had shipped, but the guy was going to contact the carrier and have them return it.

Amazing what your priorities in life are when someone has a heart attack. My youngest sister's husband went to sleep about 3 years ago and never woke up. Had a heart attack while sleeping. I don't think my family has recovered from that loss yet. And now this.

I called her back and he is stable. We have another sis (mom was smart to have so many kids!) who lives next door and she is driving her halfway down and I will meet her and bring her into the hospital. I am so glad we live in the "big city" so she has family here and isn't stuck alone in a hotel at night. But things to think about when planning for our future.

Do you ever have enough insurance? Is there money set aside to pay for hotel rooms? Is there an empty credit card for emergencies? How long does it take to find the DNR? What do you do with the pets? And will there be a tomorrow?

My brother-in-law does not have diabetes. He works in construction and I've always thought him to be remarkably healthy. While in Vegas, he walked about 10 miles per day before the heat set in. I so admired him for his ability to get out and do that. Proof that life is not partial to those who are healthiest, or to those who are sickest. But the question is, how well do we plan for what might happen? Can we plan for it?

I do think that my hubby and I need to start now planning for the future. For what might happen. I know I keep a credit card that has a $10K limit empty. I used to joke and tell him that it was in case he died overseas while traveling for work. Now I'm thinking I need a couple of those in case I have to air lift either one of us somewhere and we need nursing home care, etc.

I have a couple of hours before I need to go meet her and be off to the hospital. Me, who hates (abhors) hospitals....but at least he is alive. Prayer is a powerful thing and I've already put out the call for more. I believe in it more than anything. But I also believe that Jehovah knows what is best for all of us.

Life changes in a single moment. In the blink of an eye. In one phone call. In one breath.

I need to do a better job of taking care of the life that I have, and in planning for my own future.

Viva Las Vegas!

We are in Las Vegas this week. Here with my sis and her hubby. My sis and I are attending an art convention. I can't begin to explain how wonderful this is. The creative juices are just flowing and I am having a blast. Hubby and my brother-in-law are exploring Vegas and the casino/hotel/convention center where we are staying.

We all went to Tony & Tina's wedding tonight. While in the buffet line, some idiot stepped on hubby's sore foot and totally crushed it. Hubby could barely stand the pain, made it through the rest of the show, hobbled home and is in such pain I just want to cry for him. There isn't much he can do except take some pain pills. His toe is swelling and bright red. I just wish other people were more considerate. I'm sure the other guy didn't mean to step on it....I'm sure it was an accident. But I also am sure the other guy has no idea what he is putting my poor hubby through.

Just makes you stop and think that you never know what reactions your actions will have on another human being.

I know this will keep hubby in bed the rest of the trip. Fortunately, we don't have anything else planned except for the 2 of us gals to attend the convention. Should be a fun weekend!

DW

I'm worn out from the weekend....

and not because we did anything at all. I think it is exhausting to just sit around the house. And that's all he wanted to do this weekend.

His foot is all infected again. It hurts for him to walk. We are supposed to fly to a convention this week. Scheduled to leave Wednesday. I wonder if he will be able to travel. He commented today that he would rather just stay here and I go by myself.

Is that my future? I have to make a choice? Either I do these things alone.....or I just sit here all the time and do nothing at all?

Isn't the reason we got married to have someone to share life with? If I'm going to be off doing all these things alone, why be married? Good question, huh?

And yeah, I'm just talking to myself! I do it a lot! I think it's pretty good therapy!

DW

If you wrote a contract to your diabetic spouse...

What would it include?

Cici wrote a comment that really got me to thinking:

http://wifeofadiabetic.blogspot.com/2007/08/home-week-and-infection-is-back.html

I happen to think this is a brilliant idea, and wonder if it would work. But what all would it include? As women, we are caregivers. It's in our nature to "heal". Taking care of those we love is what we do best. So where do we draw the line?

I've always said that I will not drive him to dialysis. I will not push a wheelchair around with him in it. But I find I am doing most of the driving already, just because I don't want him causing a wreck when I'm in the car!

So I thought I'd start a list and see if anyone wants to add to it. I might just actually write a contract one of these days!

1. Will not pick up meds
2. Will not go to the doctor with him
3. Will not make doctors appointments
4. Will not ask him if he packed enough meds
5. Will not drive him to dialysis
6. Will not push his wheelchair around
7. Will not ask him if he remembered to take his meds
8. Will not set his meds out for him/count out his pills
9. Will not fetch things for him when his feet are so sore he can't walk
10. Will not do yardwork for him


and while we are at it, I think I will write up a contract for the dogs! OK....let me explain. He loves his 2 little dogs. I have never allowed pets inside the house. Mostly because my oldest son had severe asthma. But when I married this guy, he already had a dog. Then he got a second one because we were both working outside the house and he said that dog # 1 needed company during the day. He promised to take care of them. And now, he has me do all the dog related chores. I've sworn that when one of these dogs dies we are NOT going to replace it. But then the realization hit me that I am enabling him to have his pets. I'm the one doing all the maintenance for them. So here is my "dog contract"

1. I will not pick up pet poo
2. I will not feed/water the dogs
3. I will not shampoo the carpet or mop the floors to remove dog stains in the carpet
4. I will not run to the store to get pet food when we are out.
5. I will not brush the dogs
6. I will not bathe the dogs
7. I will not take the dogs outside for potty
8. I will not walk the dogs
9. When we travel, I will not pack up the dogs gear
10. When we travel, I will not put their leashes on and take them for potty walks.

Yeah, and if I don't do it, I know he won't and I will have to live with the messes, the stench, the dirt. OK, I guess some things just cannot be handles with contracts.

But isn't diabetes the same? If I don't drive the car and he has a wreck, I'll be dead. If I don't make sure he packs his meds, we will just turn around and come back home.

Where do you draw the line as a spouse as to what you can live with "not" doing?

DW

Home a week and the infection is back.

I swear, we are going to hop a plane and get him to a lower altitude and see if it heals up again. I cannot believe this. His feet were so healthy looking. Then today he said they were killing him. Tonight he had me look at them and yep, once again, he has a horrible sore on the side of his toe, open wound, oozing out stuff all over the place. But this time, the red infection is just almost the color of fire, it's so bright.

He is feeling quite sick, as though he had the flu. Doesn't want to move. Sad thing is we have overnight guests so he did stay downstairs and chat as long as he could stand the pain. And he kept his socks on!

But the moment he got up to the bedroom....he took the socks off. So, what do you do? I'm sure the fibers from the carpet, the bedding, etc., are not good getting into an open sore. And the thought of the puss oozing into the carpet.....I just want to hire someone to come shampoo on a daily basis. It just cannot be healthy for him, me, the puppies......

And just looking at his open sores totally makes me go queezy. I can barely do it. But I know I have to. Problem is, tonight, I had just taken all my vitamins and minerals. Now, I always have to down them with crackers as they make me a bit nauseated. But then to have him ask me to look at his feet....and me not expecting to see an open wound after a week of healthy feet....

How on earth can it go from being so normal looking to being so infected so quickly? Now that's beyond me.

I'm just more and more convinced that it has something to do with altitude. But it's going to be at least 3 weeks before we could possibly fly to sea level. We do have some frequent flier miles, so we can go last minute. I think we should go ahead and book the trip now, but he wants to wait and see if his feet heal up on their own.

In the meantime....it's oozing out on my cream colored carpet......

Oh, and yes, he refuses to put bandaids on anything. they make him itch. I'm sure it's the damage to nerve endings of some such thing....but to walk around with open sores that are infected.....

And I should make note that since he got back from his overseas trip, he has not worn the CPAP. We are back to nights of flopping legs. He said that he needs to take it in and get it calirated as he can't breath with it on. Hmmm....he's been home a week...what is the hold up?

oiy vey!

DW

What a difference.....

He was gone 10 days. He's been back since Thursday evening. I know...just 48 hours. But he is well. His feet still have the nodules on them, but no open sores. He is in a good mood. I don't think we've had a high or a low. I am actually enjoying being with him! He says he's feeling great. He's walking. We ran a ton of errands this morning with no complaints.

I wonder if his drugs are all kicking in finally. Or was it just being gone so long. Or the low altitude and he reacted positively to it. I wonder how long this will last. Was it foreign cooking? So many possiblities. Whatever the reason, I am so enjoying the man who is here now! I hope he stays for awhile! I figure I need to blog (remember) the good moments right along with all the bad.

We're planning on taking the ATV out tomorrow for a full day ride. Should be fun!

DW

On being a smartass......

There's an interesting thread going on here about husbands who don't take care of themselves:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/1/108435/ShowThread.aspx

And this response caught my eye in particular:

I'm sorry to hear about your husband! you know a positive and healthful approach will do the trick. Maybe something he should look into if your willing to guide him with thise simple apprach is checking out Dr. Weil's Vitamin Advisor for Diabetes. You can find everything and more on his webiste, DrWeil.com. He basically will give you a recommendation on supplementss that he should take to help him manage the symptoms and maybe give you a little stress off your back! :) he offers a lot on his website with his Vitamin Advisor and Healthy Aging as well that you should take a look at.

Let me know if anything helps and if anything gets better!!

Junebug

I so want to be a smartass and ask this writer if they are a professional trying to get people to buy Dr. Well's book or something? Seriously, I think the original poster titled this thread very clearly....the husband REFUSES to take care of himself. So this writer is suggesting that the spouse try to change the husband?

I'm thinking, "like are you wanting a murder on your hands here?" LOLOL!

It just does not matter how positive or healthful my approach to this disease is....I CANNOT CHANGE HIM!!! I CANNOT FIX HIM! I CANNOT MAKE HIM TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF!!!

When is anyone out there going to get that? When are the professionals, the book authors, the nutritionists.....anyone and everyone going to comprehend that I CANNOT CHANGE HIM???

I get that I must have a postive and healthful approach to my own life so that when he starts to die I can have the strength to get through it. I need to have the energy to be here for him. But I am NOT his caregiver. I AM his wife, his friend, his companion. I am NOT a nurse! I am not a nurse's aid. I'm not going to change bedpans....I will hire a home nurse if/when we get to that point.

And there are NO TRICKS! I almost think that is hilarious!!! TRICKS? You want me to trick a 53 year old man into taking care of himself? What planet do you live on? YIKES!!!

So yes, I can be a smartass, and I can have a great sense of humor about all of this. After all, he has been gone for 10 days, I'm well rested, quite ready for him to come home and I will go about "tricking" him into taking care of himself!

well, at least the post gave me a good laugh!

DW - still chuckling!!!

Does altitude have an impact on diabetics?

Hubby and I are in the middle of a very interesting "self-study". We took a recent trip and were at sea level and he felt wonderful. His feet were well. Came back to the mountains....he had the worst flare up ever and was on crutches.

For the past 10 days, he has been back at sea level and says that he feels fantastic. He's been out walking all over the place. He even walks 1/2 mile each way to and from the office site.

We plan to watch what happens when he returns home. And then we have discussed taking a trip to sea level next month just to see if there is a pattern here.

When I tried to do some research online, I don't find much other than 14,000 feet....far higher than where we are! I have a firiend who had a baby born here with heart problems. They made her move to sea level for the child's heart. I've read articles about diabetics coming to a high altitude to ski and having problems, but not anything about a diabetic living at a high altitude feeling better or improving when they move to sea level.

But I think our experiment is worth a try. And if he continues to feel better at sea level...that might well determine where we retire.

There is comfort in sharing.

Jean wrote in the last post:

I don't have to continue my protector-in-chief role where the kids are concerned, as now that I've talked with one, it will be easier to share things with the others.

And I have to agree. My comfort comes in blogging. By keeping a record of his ups and downs, his happiness, his anger, the dramatic sudden character changes, and the eating patterns....I have found relief. I know that I have a record that I can go back to when I want to see if there is a certain pattern. I have a place where I can get my frustrations out and not have to keep them bottled inside. I can share my blog with my sister so that she more fully understands what it is that I'm dealing with. And I have a record of the progression of this disease for his children, should something happen to him, and should they ask questions.

So, yes, there is comfort in sharing what I, as a spouse, am dealing with. And whether it be by blogging, by telling my sister or my best friend, or by sharing with a complete stranger.....at least someone else out there knows what I am going through.

Thanks Jean!

DW

And so I DON'T get a break!!!

I have to laugh, otherwise I would be in tears. His overseas trip was extended and he didn't take enough Rx with him to see him through. It's 11 am....and I have been running around all morning. It's night where he is. He has enough Rx left for 2 more days.

I went to the post office. They will not ship presription drugs....they have to be sent through a pharmacy. Since it takes his HMO 3 days to fill an Rx, that's out.

I called United Airlines. Due to post 911 TSA regulations, there is a 10 day hold on new member accounts and you cannot send anything without an account with United Cargo.

I went to UPS 15 miles from our house. The "international expert" just happened to be at that location. Basically, it's the same TSA reg. I don't have a UPS account...I can't ship. But she also said that for the country where he is, I need to go to a specific agency and get permission from them to have the drugs delivered to him if they were to arrive there.

So, I have a friend who used to be an international triage nurse and I called her. She said he needs to go to the American consulate who can find him a doctor that will write an Rx to get him back home. Problem is, he has been tied up 18 hours a day in meetings over there. So she told me to tell him just to go to ER and explain what's going on.

I emailed him all the info from the bottles of each of his Rx. Because he's tied up in meetings right now, I can't get him on the phone.

In my email to him.....I suggested that he get his employer to purchase a ticket for me and I'll just fly over and bring all of his Rx to him.

He told me last night that it was 60 degrees there. I asked if he took a jacket....he said "no". I just keep saying to myself "duh!" LOL!

Anyway, I've spent half my day doing research and running around for him, so now I'm going to do something for me! :o) Maybe I should go buy a new outfit just in case I end up on an international flight! No....maybe I'd best go shower and wash my hair in case I only get an hour's notice! :o)

Extended break

Well, he called and said his trip has been extended another 5 days. I have to global express his meds to him as he only took enough for 7 days. But with 5 more days to myself....I might actually get a few things done around here! Need to move a couple of flowerbeds....major things like that. Should be a great couple of weeks!

He's calling a couple of times a day.....about all we have due to time zone differences. It sounds like they are working him to death. I imagine it will take him a week or so to recover once he gets back.

In the meantime, my sis is here for another day and we are just enjoying each other's company, creating new projects in my studio, and getting some shopping and movie watching in.

A week of quiet!

A business trip took my hubby out of the country today and I am looking forward to a week of quiet, so I won't be posting unless he calls with problems.

My sis is coming over the first part of the week, I'll go visit mom for a couple of days and then an artist pal is coming over and we will be designing and creating towards the end of the week. Should be great fun!

DW

Normal lab results

His A1c is at 6.0. And he said everything else is normal.

But how can it be normal when he has so many lows and crashes....and HAS to be having highs to balance them out?

How I wish he would test himself on a daily basis, but I know that is too much to ask for. At least the "normal" A1c is a bit lower than last test.

Feet are still a huge problem. He has an overseas business trip this Saturday for a week and I worry about how he is going to cope with that.

I asked about his uric acid level and he said he did not get the result on that one yet.

He has stopped eating bags of chocolate. Especially since I told him that I needed his help. Today is day 73 for me with no sugar and no soda. And it does help that he's not keeping it in the house.

Now if I could just get him to stop eating bags of potato chips! :o)

It has been a very quiet, pleasant week here. Such a relief. And I'm planning out next week.....expect one of my sisters to come for a visit and a friend in the art world is coming to spend a couple of nights. Should be great fun!

Is my husband, a type 2 diabetic, a sick person?

I get so many anonymous posts telling me that diabetics are NOT sick. That they can be perfectly healthy. And I find that quite troubling....looking at this from the viewpoint of a healthy person (me).

My husband is a diabetic. He has a disease. Even if he were to have it under perfectly good excellent control and be in a "healthy" state, he would still be a sick man because he has a disease. I don't quite understand how anyone with any disease can be considered a healthy person. Perhaps I need help with the meaning of the word healthy!

So I looked up the word in an online dictionary and it says, "having or indicating good health in body or mind; free from infirmity or disease". Quite simply then, one who has a disease of any kind cannot be healthy.

Next I thought...look up the word "disease". And it said, "an impairment of health or a condition of abnormal functioning".

I'm pretty sure that diabetes is a disease. So I searched for lists of diseases and sure enough, diabetes is on every list out there.

So next I looked up the word "sick" and found: "afflicted with ill health or disease".

I'm going to stick with my original thoughts that if a person has diabetes in any form at any stage, then the person is sick, not healthy, and there is no way that person can be healthy. And for me, that explains so much. I will agree that there are various levels of sickness, some more sick than others, some more progressed in their stage of this disease than others. But if the person has diabetes, they are not well, they are not healthy. There just is no such thing as a "healthy diabetic".

I think that if my husband understood that, he might be more able to accept this disease and exactly how far it has progressed in his body. I think the term "healthy diabetic" has done more to harm him and prevent him from facing this disease head on than anything else.

When people email me and say that they are a "healthy diabetic" living a "healthy" life, I have to wonder if they are in denial as well? Why not just state the fact? "I have a disease, but it is under control"?

I raised 2 sons who had diseases. One had grand mal seizures, up to 7 a day. He did not have epilepsy as he did not have the "spike" in his brain waves. But we called it epilepsy for lack of any other explanation. For the most part, the seizures are under control today, but he needs to let those who are close to him know that he has this disease, this condition, so that when he does have a seizure, they are not taken by surprise. If he were to go around telling everyone that he is healthy, what a shock then if he were to have a seizure!

And if my husband were to tell anyone that he is a healthy man....how would he ever explain a crash at the neighbors house where we have to call 911 and rush him to ER? We simply let our friends know that he is a diabetic and does have crashes where he will pass out. They all know what to do.

Maybe there's a good reason why the dictionary defines a healthy person as one who does not have a disease. Maybe it's good to let the people around you know that you have a disease....just so they can be a little more prepared if something were to go wrong.

And finally, is saying that a diabetic is a healthy person a form of denial? In my opinion, I think it well could be.

Thank you Simon!

I can't thank you enough for what you wrote.

http://trunkles.blogspot.com/

I think you have nailed it much better than I ever could. You have made my day. I struggle so often with finding the words to express what it is that I'm feeling.....while at the very same time struggling with that daily choice that all spouses must make....stay, or just walk away.

Walking away is the easy option. And trust me, there are moments when it looks like the only option. There are times when I think it's the only way I can survive. But I'm still here! Thus far! Yes, because I love him that much.

In life, do we choose the easy path? Do we take the route that is best for us? Or do we stick out the current ride and see where it takes us? It's a choice that each one of us must make on a daily basis....sometimes every moment of every hour of every day.

We are having a really good week here which makes me so grateful that I've chosen the path I'm on. But I'm also quite aware from past experience that a really good week can turn into the week from hell almost overnight. So I will love this moment for all it has to offer me and not worry about the next one!

Thank you for your support. From the bottom of my heart!

DW

On moving

I'm going to have to think about how I name my posts so I can find them when I want to reread them. So there's going to be a bunch on moving so I can sort out my own thoughts on this one.

It's been our main topic of conversation. He asked me to check out some new condos going in, which I did and they are stunning! One level. Elevator access. About 2 blocks from a grocery store. So that got us to discussing all of the ammenities we are going to need and I'm listing them here so I can add to them as we have more converstaions. I swear, developers are just not taking into consideration baby-boomer's needs....let alone ADA.

We need:

1800+ square feet
2 bedrooms minimum
1 car garage or underground parking
elevator access to the unit
one floor unit or personal elevator inside the unit to access all floors
wheelchair accessible unit/halls/bathrooms/shower

close to grocery store
close to bank/post office
close to public transportation
exterior deck/patio
doggie park/run


Things I'd like:
breakfast bar
live/work unit to keep my studio
place for workout equipment

Last night, he said I could look in the area where my sisters live. It's 2 1/2 hours away and I never dreamt he would even consider moving there. It's at a higher altitude as well and I'm not sure he would do better there at all. I'm starting to think a lower altitude would be better, but not sure.

I looked at some live/work lofts yesterday as well. They are almost too big, but I love everything about them except there is no elevator access to the upper 2 levels. It would be perfect for me and I could actually expand my studio and have retail hours. I probably wouldn't open a store, but I'd love to have a "real" place to have classes other than in my unfinished basement. The stairs in these units go up and then at the top, there is a platform landing, so the 2nd floor splits and part of it goes off to the left and then 3 more steps up to the kitchen/living area. The same with the 3rd floor. So even if you put an elevator in, you would need 4 stops, or the 3 steps down would be unaccessible with a wheelchair.

I would really prefer loft living as I'm thinking open, no halls, easier to move around in.....the gal who showed these to me said they were building some more about 10 miles away and we could go to the contractor now and discuss an elevator inside. When I explained the split levels she said she would go talk to them about having floors 2 and 3 all on one level. So I'm waiting to hear back from her on that before I move forward.

I'm really torn between living where we are (city, all the ammenities, close shopping/doctors, etc) and moving to where my sisters live (small town, higher altitude, 2 1/2 hours away from "real" shopping). I know I can do all my shopping online, but I also know how much he likes to eat out. Moving away from all these restaurants might be ok from that aspect. But housing prices are obviously higher where they live and there are no live/work lofts...ok, there are no lofts, only condos. If I could talk to a builder, we might be able to design a condo with no walls, so that's an option as well.

Lots to think about and if I write it all down, then I won't "forget" the things I need to think about.

I really think he might be serious this time. But I also realize that when we go to actually computing the cost/time/energy in moving, that might change his mind!

2:00 am and a big low

I woke up and he was downstairs. So I came down to make sure he was ok. No, he was having a major low. I can almost see it in his eyes these days. They get all glossed over and he just can't seem to focus when he looks at me. He was eating canned peaches. I sat down beside him and rubbed his back for about 10 minutes, asking if there was anything I could do to help. He said, "Just sit here with me".

It's been awhile since he's had a middle-of-the night low. But with a high A1c, I still can't figure out when he is having his highs.

I'm glad that he still wakes up, but I often worry that he won't.

This is a low that he won't remember. When he wakes up he will feel like he slept all night long. I also find that to be so strange. He's back sound asleep, I can hear him snoring.

As for me...I'm wide awake!

Can diabetics read???

LMBO! OK, for all of you who send me your nasty little annonymous comments that I will continue to reject....you all need to learn how to read!

Anyone who writes to me about type 1 diabetes obviously does not have the ability to read that my hubby has type 2 and that's what I'm writing about and NO, I will NOT post that information in each and every single post I make!

Anyone who writes to me that what I write is way too personal, well, duh! It's MY PERSONAL blog....so get over it!

Anyone who tells me not to be giving advice to diabetics....ok...I have absolutely no intention of doing that at all! READ! I am just merely writing my thoughts and sharing them with other women who are in my situation.

We are NOT diabetics.....we are LIVING with UNCONTROLLED, non-compliant diabetic spouses.....READ the name of my blog! LOLOL! For heavens sake....don't take it so personal...it's not about YOU! It's about ME and what I am experienceing and living with on a daily basis.

And let's just discuss attitude for a moment. Most of you who email me and I reject your comments have an attitude 100 times worse than my poor hubby, so I can't fathom being married to you or you having/raising children! Get over yourself! It's a disease. You have lows and highs where you do not remember what you say or do and THAT is the part I blog about. Those incredibly horrible moments when my hubby turns into this unleashed monster that absolutely no one would want to be around.

It's your disease and you have to deal with it. But don't email me and think I'm going to post your negative, nasty, horrendous letters.....especially when you have not taken the time to read all of my blogs and when you are so inconsiderate and lazy that you think for a second this disease has not or will not affect you in the same manner in which it has consumed my husband.

WOW! I feel great now!

OH, and the only way you can prove to me that you can read if you are a diabetic is to carefully read ALL of my posts and then decide if you still need to vent to me! Remember....I'm NOT talking about Type 1 diabetes here.....no matter what the similarities are and if you think I am, that's all the proof we need that you don't know how to read!!!

:o)

He's gone round the bend!

OK...I'm laughing as I write this. A lot of history here, so this may be long, but I need to get it out!

In October, 2005, I had the chance to move to Phoenix and go to work for an art company that I was designing for. Hubby encouraged me to go and said that in the spring, he would spruce up the house, sell it, and move down to join me. Unknown to me, the next month, he refinanced the house and then said we could not afford to sell it. I stayed south for the winter and then came home....madder than a wet hen at him for refinancing behind my back because I knew he did it because he did not want to move. Yes, even after he told me he would move.

We have since replaced most of the items HE sold at a garage sale in anticipation of the move. Things like a riding lawn tractor, garden wagon, etc.

I have resigned myself to living in this house forever and started fixing it the way I want. Moved my studio to the basement. Spent a fortune on 10 classroom tables, wheeled chairs, etc. Last week, we strung cables for satellite TV in the studio and the guest bedroom.....doing things that we have never done, making this a place we can enjoy.

So today, we are driving to brunch and pass a new condo development and he says, "why don't you check those out?" I just looked at him and said, "you want to move to a condo?" and he says, "yes, I think it's time".

Half of me says go find one today and sign the contract because in 3 months he will change his mind! But at brunch, I decided to ask a bunch of questions. You know, things like, "do you want a garage?" "no" "well, where would we store the ATV?" "I'll have to think about that I guess"

"are you going to sell the new garden tractor"

"No"

"where would you put that in a condo?"

So I decided that he really has not thought this out....but I will start looking for a one story loft or condo as I know he is not going to be able to do stairs much longer and I know he can't continue to maintain the yard and outside of this house.

But I swear....why didn't he just move with me 2 years ago? It would all be over by now as we had said back then we would move to a loft.

Men! I think they can be so funny!

Another new sore

on his right foot. Same place. 3 open, oozing areas. I wonder if this one will heal. He said he is going to call his doctor on Monday. He doesn't feel like leaving the house again. I'm sure his feet are killing him. It's painful just for me to look at it, so it must be bad for him.

Good progress on sleep. The Cpap is really working. He is sleeping more and longer and does have more energy. But the energy is being zapped by the increased pain.

I can't help but think if we could get the feet well.....we could get the rest well.