and by the end of the day....

of course he apologized. Of course he has spent the day trying to make things right. He even went to the grocery store and managed to get about half of the list of stuff, brought them home and put them all away. That is a first in 9 years. He took me to a movie and out to dinner. So I assume all is well with his soul.

I've been doing some self-talk to me today. I want all to be well with my soul. But I'm having a difficult time as a woman. Men just want to fix everything. We don't let it rest. And I am trying to let this rest. I'm trying to cope with the realization that it's just his sugar levels. It's really not him. He doesn't mean anything that he says when he's having a low. He wouldn't say these things if he didn't have these lows.

So I'm back to being OK. But I swear, if he wakes up in the morning having a low, I'm going to start the fight...just to get it over with so he can apologize and I can get on with my day!

It's so strange being the spouse and looking at this from the outside. I realize that if he ever found my blog and read it, he would not believe it is him. He would not like the man he is when he is having lows. But he would just deny that this is who he is. Mainly because he isn't capable of knowing what he's doing when he's having a low.

On the other hand...this motivated me to at least take photos of stuff to list on ebay. I'm putting things in order, going to downsize this winter knowing that we will soon need to make a move to a one level house or condo. I'm upgrading my system software in a few minutes, so if it crashes, I will be offline for a few days.

It's good to have a goal and to have a plan. It keeps you focused when the rest of the world goes nuts around you.

I had forgotten

what it's like when he travels. He gets such a high, such a rush, from being on the road, being in front of others giving presentations. And when he comes home....there's the inevitable crash. It started at 7 am today when he got up and fixed himself something to eat. I can tell he's still low. About an hour ago I just wanted to say, "Let's have our post-trip blow out...just go ahead, yell at me, get it over with!" Well, I should have because it just happened.

By yelling at me, the adrenaline starts to pump into his system again and the low will start to turn around....and he will be just fine in another 2 hours.

I am eternally tired of this. So when he comes to apologize....when he's all fine and dandy and wants to know what's wrong with me....I just smile and move forward.

But a little piece of me dies every time this happens. And he has 2 more trips coming up.

I really wish I could explain this to him so that he could see what a repitious patern this is. But he doesn't want to see that, so he won't.

I can't reason with him

It's nearly 10 pm and I've not left for the airport to pick him up from this trip. He said his foot is just killing him and he sounds like he's in such an awful mood. Maybe I just won't go pick him up! LOL!

He said that he is flying out next Tuesday, home Thurs, then again on Sunday thru Saturday the next week.

I KNOW he is not well enough to this kind of rapid travel, to be on that foot that much.

But I swore to myself that I am going to support him and not bitch about it. So I AM going to vent here.

STUPID MAN!!! Have they written the "Idiot's guide to stupid men" yet? I NEED it! LOLOL!!!

OK...I still have my sense of humor about me tonight, but I truly think he is just being incredibly stupid. Maybe it's that he travels to please his employer....and I'm the one who has to listen to all the complaints? Maybe I should just write them all down and shove them in the complaint box at his work! :o)

Maybe I will just put earplugs in!

On the other hand...if he can do all this travel for work....maybe it's time we take that backpacking vacation across Europe!

OK...I need to quit...I'm laughing way too hard!!!

Another worried wife

Worried Wife just added a comment to the 10/22 blog, and I thought it important to bring it forward. Feel free to post your advice to her. Anonymous posts may or may not be published.

"I too have a husband with diabetes. He was diagonsed over 4 years ago and is still in denial. His sugar ranges from 399(today) to 260, and my patience is running thin. I worry all the time, I can no longer nag or make him take his pills or insulin. He has no idea what he is doing to his family or kids. I pray he is around to see them get married and have kids themselfs.
I totally resent what he is doing to himself and our family. I feel he is being very selfish for not taking care of this serious problem.
I am tired of his mood swings and saying hurtful things to the family. I don't know what else to do.

Any help would be greatly appreciated."

My advice....well, I have none as I think I'm in the same place as you are. Just tired. I've quit worrying though and am taking care of paper work and getting prepared for the future. I'm looking at floor plans that allow wheelchairs, setting us up for home delivery of groceries for weeks that I'm out of town, taking care of things like that. I'm taking better care of myself (almost at 6 months with no sweets, no soda, no red meat!!!). I don't nag hubby any more. I try to keep our life together as calm, happy and peaceful....but there are still moments when I come into my studio and just sit here and cry. I pray all the time that he will change his eating habits. But I'm learning to live with the fact that he's probably not going to. (Note that little ounce of hope I can't let go of!) I try to joke as much as we can. And rest.

I think the biggest change in me is that I'm doing much better at taking care of me. That's made his disease a whole lot less stressful. Most days I feel like we are in a lull before the next storm....or we're weathering a current storm. I wonder if there's ever been a study done as to the number of spouses of diabetics who have ulcers! :o) OK...that's just sort of a little joke....but you know...I wonder...there must be an element of truth in there!

DW