Sometimes I do wonder

How much a person can go through.  To Tom's wife, I truly understand.

I used to think in terms of "years".

2/2009 hubby had a heart attack in Mexico
3/2010 hubby had a triple bypass
2/2011 hubby had spinal fusion surgery and nearly died

Then things started speeding up...

3/2012 hubby was laid off
5/2012 we downsized by 2000 sf and moved 125 miles away, giving up our friends and lifestyle
7/2012 mom got really ill, started on hospice, required 24/7 care

Then weekly

9/14/2012 hubby's mom died
9/21/2012 my mom died
9/22/2012 I find out about hubby's credit card debt
9/30/2012 hubby approved for disability, files for bankruptcy

12/12/2012 we file for legal separation

A month cleaning out 2 houses
My 14 year old chihuahua has a heart attack and we are told he has 6 months to live

There have been so many many moments when I have not been able to breathe.  Panic.  Fear.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Sometimes it is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I simply can't think.  Some days I pretend its not me just so I can get thru the day.

Hubby continues to do well.  Thank goodness!  We continue to get along just fine.  Maybe we are meant to have a long distance relationship.  He has his moments when he wants to get in the truck and just drive home.  But he can't leave his dad.  I have moments when I want to hop on a plane, but I have responsibilities here.

Today was not a good day for me.  I ripped out all the old junk cabinets that were in the garage when we bought this house.  Symbolic?  Cleaning out the crap in my life?  Who knew that I could take out cabinets???  Last week I completely rearranged all the furniture inside the house.  Excess energy?  Working through all my grief?  Maybe I should just take up running!  LOL!!

Life does go on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am slowly getting back into a pattern, a routine.  A new pattern.  Not the same as it was before, but scheduling trips to the big city, dentist and doctors visits, taking a few classes....getting back into life.

There are still moments when I miss mom so much I have a good cry.  Still times when it hurts to breathe.  Still days when I don't get out of bed.  But they are fewer and far between.  Slowly, life is getting back to life.

How much more can I take?  I'd rather not even think about it!!!