Friday, February 01, 2008

Back on the roller coaster

Why do I stay? I love the highs and hate the lows? The never ending roller coaster when I don't know whether to jump off or stay on? I just don't know.

Seems we are in a low right now. He is having severe headaches today and everything has him upset. I should have posted yesterday, but I almost knew he would provoke a fight tonight and go to dinner with his group without me. I can read him like a book. He just did not want me there. So rather than just say that, he came home with a headache, yelled at me, and left without me. No biggie....I took my sis to the movies tonight and we had a great time. Came home and he is in bed so I came down to the studio for awhile.

What I don't know is when is it just him, when is it a sugar low, when is it a bad reaction to new prescriptions? What I do know is that in another week or 2, we will be out of this and back to a normal routine.

So, I'm just going to say it. He's having his group here Sunday for superbowl. No one else's spouses will be here. I'm sure he doesn't want me here. So I'm going to assume that Sunday morning he will provoke another argument so great that it will piss me off and I will walk out. HA! What he has forgotten is that we have a houseguest all next week and I have to go pick her up at the airpot at noon on Sunday. Should I just go ahead and remind him that I won't be here. No, I think I will wait and see if my forecast comes true. He is just so predictable it's almost funny.

There are those who would say this is just a bad person behaving badly. But I still tend to think that these cycles come and go and it all ties around what is going on inside of him. He is truly swollen and puffy this week, retaining fluids again, and has a gout infection in his hand. He's on additonal antibiotics for that, has eaten every single meal out this week and seems to be hell bent on his own personal destruction.

Maybe I'll sleep on the sofa tonight just to get some rest. I'm sure he won't have the cpap on when I go to bed. I'm sure he will have the restless leg syndrome all night long. Am I being cynical? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just laying it out like it is. At any rate....I just wonder how much longer I'll be willing and/or able to stay on this ride. Right now, I'm pretty tired of it.

My stress on his stress!

I can't handle much more of his stress this stress is getting too high! LOL! Oh dear, let me make some notes here. He has an annual unofficial team meeting for his staff at work. It's about 2000 miles from here. So this weekend, everyone is coming here for what they are calling a "pre-planning meeting". They all have to pay their own way...totally unofficial. And he has been in a complete mood all week long.

My sis is here visiting. Well, rather, she is stuck here as her car is in the shop getting repairs. The second day she was here, she said, "he looks bad. He looks really bad." He is totally swollen and all puffy again, but we did this 3 or 4 months ago when everyone who saw him thought he would be dead the next day, but he wasn't. He does look like he's gained another 20 pounds at least. And I'm sure he is just miserable and has the stress of his staff being here.

Last night, he came home after a dinner with them. He just snipped at both of us. He barely looks at me...absolutely no communication with anyone, just goes to bed and turns the TV on. Sigh.

This morning, again, nothing. I asked quietly if he was ok and he just snapped at me. So yeah, just leave him alone and let him get through this on his own. They have an event tonight, an all day long event tomorrow, then here all day Sunday to watch the super bowl. So I'm busy cleaning the house, getting ready to have them all over here on Sunday. Do you hear my huge sighs? I'll just go get lost in my studio for the will be fine.

But this stress that he is going's just not worth the stress it's causing me. And I'm sure he just wants to make sure his staff has a great time while they are all here. Maybe it's really time for him to retire...or at least consider disability.

He is not eating properly at all. I think he has had every meal out this week with the team. And no sight in end for that until Monday. He has not been using the cpap at night, so I'm sure his lack of solid rest is not helping him at all.

I am giving up for the moment. Will just try to get through the rest of the weekend and see where we are on Monday. Hope your spouses are doing better than mine this week.


Monday, January 28, 2008


How do you communicate with someone who is having a sugar low? Do you yell at them trying to snap them back into reality? Do you just walk away knowing that nothing is going to work? Do you talk to them in soothing tones thinking it will all get better?

I like to mix it up and try different things, but I swear, yelling is what works best. He seems to "snap out of it" and get back to reality. I haven't quite figured out yet if it's the tone of my voice, if it jars him back to earth, or what...but it does seem to work.

This evening, I think he was so low, he was nearly passed out. He was laying on the sofa and did not respond to anything. I shook his shoulder..nothing. I raised my voice, nothing. I yelled at him and he slowly turned his head to look at me and started to talk. I asked him if he was OK and he said he didn't think so, so we got him something to eat. Note...I had been out all day and I don't think he ate breakfast or lunch. Sigh.

You would think that this grown man could fix himself somethin to eat when I am not here. But alas, seems he can't even warm up leftovers!

It's 6:48 pm and he has gone to bed. My sis is here and she thinks he could have a heart attack any day. I think he could like this another 30 years. Just asking these questions of myself...I think I will continue to yell at him when he doesn't respond as it seems to work..for now.