Friday, March 23, 2012


He admitted he had a complete meltdown

Things are better today

The first retirement party was tonight. He did great for the first hour, but tired quickly

I'm sure it's the stress of leaving.

Just so sad. Watching him, I want to cry, I hurt so much for him.

Time will heal. We will move on.

This next week is going to be the hardest..

Never easy saying goodbye

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

When do you walk away?

it's no longer "if"'s now "when".

I'm not sure I can handle his layoff. Not with sugar lows, stupid decisions, age 10 behaviors and so on.

We had 3 vehicles.  An off wheel 4x4 Ford that is jacked up and he could no longer get's sold.

A 2001 Camaro SS convertible - his 50th birthday gift to himself - so low to the ground he can no longer get into it.  So it's on the market.

And a 2002 Ford Escape - which has been my car all these years.  We decided to keep it because whenever he has surgery - it's the car he can get into.  So we took the money from the truck and had the engine fixed yesterday.

This morning, I asked him to take it to BigO and price new tires and a battery. I specifically used the word "price".  But he got 4 brand new top of the line tires - $1000.

He came home and I was just a little pissed.  But I very calmly asked him, "When do you want to make the change from a PF Changs lifestyle to a McDonald's, maybe, if they have a coupon style?"

He blew up. I expected it.  But we have to get over this hurdle and I don't know how to do it.  His gross pay was $140K with bonuses taking it as high as $198 in a year.  His retirement pay will be a gross of $21,588.  His last check is next Wednesday.  I know he is not thinking.  I know he is in denial.  But when does the spending stop???  We need every penny that we don't absolutely have to spend to get us moved to a smaller place.

And I'm pretty sure he was low this morning.  No breakfast. Nothing to eat since about 6 pm last night.

Yes, it's my fault that I asked him to go price tires.  But seriously?  Do I have to do everything myself?  In my world, "price tires" means you get an estimate, then you go to another tire store and get an estimate, you price around.  In his world, I guess it means go buy them and get them put on....and buy the very most expensive set you can get.....that "covers" price.

OK - you gotta laugh sometimes.  What a complete idiot?  And yes, I love him, but I just don't know if I can stick around and endure the idiot in him!!!  He is going to drive me to a complete poor house in less than a week!!!

And the outburst was horrendous.  Him ranting, screaming, flailing his arms, coming at me then backing away and just completely babbling about nothing.  I know you know exactly what I'm talking about.  Half of what he said made no sense at all.  I wonder if that's not a "power trip" tactic....get me completely confused so I have no idea at all what the real conversation is??   He threatened to leave, he walked out the door, he came back, he went to his office and started working. Mind you, it was 10:30 am and he had not worked at all yet today.....and he wonders why he was laid off????

It's another rollercoaster day here....but if he doesn't wake up and realize that he is going to have about $1200 a month to live on.....what is he going to do???


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Blog names

I was doing a little research online and these names of blogs were so much fun, I had to share them!

The Rock in My Shoe (a diabetic)

The Joys of Secondhand Diabetes (a spouse)

Daddybetes (dads dealing with kids diabetes0


So I'm thinking I should change my blog name:


The thorn in my side!

The thrill of the roller coaster ride!

wife can beat this

I could go on and on!  But what fun!!!

As I've been reading through other blogs, the same thing hits me.

Most diabetics are in denial about what their future has in store for them....compliant or non-compliant, the end result of elevated glucose is bound to catch up with them at some point in time.

The never-ending constant words that they are upbeat, positive, doing great, loving life, living life....yada, yada, yada.  I just want to say, are you serious???  Wait until you turn 60 and you've had this disease since you were 20.

The positive spin that therapists put on diabetes.....if you eat right, you can control your sugar.
Really?  when you've had this so long that your body can't fix things, it's all worn out....nothing is going to help!!!

Oh, and don't forget the pumpers.  Life is always grande with a pump.  No one dares write about the pump fails, cleaning it out, how it can miss warning signs....

And the future.  It's like a blank page on the world wide web.  Where is the personal experience of a diabetic who is in stage 5 ESRD?  Who writes about the decision to forego dialysis?  And who blogs about kidney failure?  Not chronic kidney failure....but the kind that is gradual and goes on forever?

Stay active.  Walk.  Exercise.  Eat healthy.  That's what they write about.  But what happens when your body gives out and you cannot physically exercise?  What happens when you lose the desire to eat healthy?  Why isn't anyone writing about that?  Depression?  Who's blogging that?

Not to mention life in a wheelchair with diabetes, leg amputations, loss of touch, ED...the list is pretty much endless!

It's like the whole diabetes world has to stay positive, has to stay upbeat, has to stay cheerfully order to maintain.  Isn't that sort of a lie?  A lot of self-pep-talk?  Always a cheerleader, never a player in life?

I really do try to write about the good days as well as the bad days.  it's just that the bad days seem to outnumber the good days about 20 to 1.

But I am constantly researching the web to see if anyone is writing about what happens next.  What is the journey from stage 4 kidney failure to stage 5?  What is the process from 5x concentrated insulin to dialysis?  What is the personal impact of that journey?  And why isn't anyone out there preparing the diabetic for that?

It's almost like there's this unspoken code out there...."we do not write about the future unless it's positive and happy."

What a shock when it isn't so positive and happy!  I mean, you have diabetes for 30 years and die of a heart it wasn't the diabetes that killed you?  it wasn't the high sugar that clogged your arteries? After all, it does say "heart attack" on your death certificate!!!

OK, so I get it that no one wants to write about the "bad" stuff.  But don't we need the warning signs, the yellow and red lights, the we know what to do when they hit???

Does denial stay with a diabetic until death?  Are spouses overlooking all the warning signs?  Do we just go through life blindly and not talk about how scared to death we are of those 30 and 40 readings???

Something to give thought to.  :o)

So, in the vein of writing honestly about diabetes....hubby is slipping into a deep depression over the loss of his job.  I think I've been pretty honest in my writing the past couple of years about how he will take a nap in the morning and in the afternoon.  Yet he is "on the clock".  But because he works from home, if he doesn't have a conference call to be on, he will snooze.  Did he think this would not have an impact on his performance?  Did he think he could get away with this forever?  I honestly think he did!

His last day is a week from tomorrow.  Several of his employees are flying in this weekend to surprise him.  There's a big party Friday and one Saturday.  He is terribly loved by his employees.  Think about it....would you fly at your own expense to attend your bosses retirement party that is not a company sponsored event?  I cannot think of any boss I ever had that I would have done that for!!!

My fear is that in a week, when he has left the company and everyone has flown back home....his depression is going to fly off the charts and I have no clue how to handle that!

Yes, I have asked him to make appointments with all of his doctors and he has not done that.  Tomorrow is my day to be a little more forceful and really try to get him to schedule the appointments.  I really hate to nag him, but I think this is rather important.  I have to wonder the impact of depression on diabetes.  How does one handle depression and diabetes?

Just random thoughts coming from a wife who happens to be pretty scared of the future right now.