Tuesday, September 18, 2007

For Better or For Worse.....

Obviously, this is not my first marriage. If it were, I might be more willing to just walk away. But I have learned that there are worse off people to be married to than someone with diabetes. Yet there are days when I wonder how much worse this could get?

A piece of me somewhere inside seems to die each time he yells at me. I blame it on a sugar low. But I am starting to wonder if it is learned behavior. He has a grandmother who is in her 90s, still living, who controls everyone in her life by yelling at them. So perhaps this has nothing to do with his diabetes. Today, I have been asking myself the question...is it learned behavior, or is it drug-induced/medically related behavior?

I know that as an older woman, I have experienced hot flashes.....and that is just miserable. I didn't want to be around another living human being. I just wanted to "sweat it out" alone. My fantasy was always to run out in the back yard in the middle of the night and lie naked in wet grass! Although I never actually did that....I really had to talk myself out of it! So I know that what happens inside the body can have an affect on how we act around other human beings. But when he spews out such vile words as he did 2 days ago, is it a medically related condition....or is it just him?

He followed his usual routine. Did not speak to me for a whole day, woke up yesterday as though nothing ever happened. Kissed me good morning and was back to his usual self. It was a pleasant enough day, but something just wasn't there. Something in me was missing. It's like I don't have the energy to bounce back and forth any more. I don't have the strength to be a loving, devoted, faithful spouse one day and then be on the defensive the next day. Maybe it's just easier to blame the disease rather than blame the man.

Instead, I immerse myself in my art and can smile, laugh and giggle at some of the things I create. There is comfort for me in creating, in working with matter to design something new. I can step out of the world of diabetes and an angry spouse and lose myself in a world that is magic to me. Today, I am melting glass in my kiln trying to see if I can form a glass bracelet. If I fail....I will learn something new in the process. If I succeed, I will be estatic!

I think that's how my life with him is. If we have a normal day with no highs and no lows, no problems with this disease....then I feel so elated! And if we have a day that is filled with misery....I try my best to learn something from it. But every now and then, we have a day like Sunday.....and it just takes time to recover. I just keep reminding myself that there are "worse" things in this life than diabetes.



Ellen said...

A piece of me somewhere inside seems to die each time he yells at me. I blame it on a sugar low. But I am starting to wonder if it is learned behavior.
~ I too feel this way, in fact its a homerun to where Im at right now in our situation. Im glad to know Im not crazy for feeling this way. I can relate to most all of your blogging and I have read almost all of it this morning. Last night was a hard night for me, words spoken that can not be taken back. I worry about how much I can take too. I worry about how much of this my son of 11 can take and how it affects him.

He seems very loving the next morning like nothing happened, this is hard for me. How do you deal with that issue?

Diabeteswife said...

Elle, I have no answer. I just get up and go on. That's it. Never easy, bu he is always is kinder and sweeter the day after his lows. I keep telling myself that is is a disease and there are moments when he has no control over it. Then there are moments when I get so pissed off because he won't take care of himself....and that's when I walk away for a couple of hours...go shopping for the day, go visit my sister. Yes, when it gets so bad I can't deal with it, I tell him my sister called and I need to run up (2 1/2 hours away) to go help her. It has not failed me yet and she totally understands.

I do not have young children at home. I'm not sure, but I think I would leave if I did, no matter how hard it was. I just don't think children should grow up in an environment this unhealthy. I think they need to be protected.

Now, why do I think children should be in a healthy environment and not me? Well...that's today's unanswered question. :o)

At one time, I thought I was crazy. I would cry at the drop of a pin. If he even raised his voice at me I would cry. That's when I sought counselng and through that, I have come to know that it is not me. I am not crazy. It is just a disease. A horrible one at that, but because I witnessed him as a healthy man when I met him, and because I have been here through the decline...I can attest to the fact that he was not always this way.

If your husband is making your son feel crazy, that's just another reason to leave. At the least, seek counseing for your son so he will know it has nothing to do with him.....and everything to do with your husband.


Ellen said...

Okay, its still nice to know that, yes I too pretty much just get up and go on. True, so true that its "never easy". I dont think my son is feeling crazy at this point. I think he is worried and I know he really concentrates on the healthy living side of it, like what is he eating, did he eat today? So... he is also noticing the fact that hes being different to me and we are having "a lot" of discussions..

We are all trying to handle it the best we can. Im the mediator it seems most of the time. I do and have executed "plan b" going to my sisters house or my mom both of whom live 1 1/2 hr away. This does prove for what I have termed "time out for serenity and sanity", and it does seem to help. My family is very positive,even about my husband.

I dunno, its clearly a disease that is unforgiving most of the time.

Funny thing is I think that too, about kids being affected by such erratic behavior that over time becomes unsettling in a soulful way. ~~
Now, why do I think children should be in a healthy environment and not me? Well...that's today's unanswered question. :o)
~~ Funny, but such a healthy question! You are a true caretaker, which is a blessing in many ways! You have the ability to ask the tough questions. I know you have the abilty to find a balance on a crooked see saw. Smiling..

I think what keeps me going even though its been tough these past few months more so than not.. is that in my heart of hearts.. I know that the time to leave was not today.

by the way, I was meaning to type 10,000 feet above sea level.. pardon my typos... :)

I am encouraged to get out my acrylics now.. that it seems to be a delightful part of your day.. Good idea!
Okay... a new day awaits.