Friday, July 14, 2006

Friday nite.

Well, we used to do that. Not much anymore. But we should! Here we are sitting in the living searching family trees online and him...sitting in his recliner, watching TV. The story of my life!

He is not type1, but type2 who is now taking 2 shots per day. He developed type 2 over 30 years ago. And he is STILL in denial.

From the comments made on my last blog. Yes, we do need marital counseling. But you see, the problem with a diabetic who is in denial over their also in denial over any type of marital problems.

Unfortunately for my husband, he has had some very bad doctors....and probably currently as well. They tell him things like....

1. You can eat anything you like, the meds will control your insulin.
2. As long as your A1c is within a normal range, you are doing great.
3. As long as your A1c is within a normal range, you are not having any problems.
4. There is no daily fluxuations in your sugar levels
5. Your sugar goes up after you wake up....even after you take your morning shot
6. Your anger is not related to your diabetes
7. You just have gnarly feet...due to your Scottish ancestry

and on and on the list goes.

Of course, he thinks his doctors are gods because they tell him what he wants to hear.

He seriously does not believe that there is anything wrong with him, with our marriage...and that if there is, it has nothing to do with his diabetes.

And he will deny to his death that he is depressed.

So, short of tying him up and dragging (kidnapping) this 6', 250 pound man....not sure I can get him to thearpy. But he did agree to go and I have put the call in, so I will push like I've never pushed for anything in my life!

About his daughter. She was supposed to come over tonight for dinner. I wrote out 3 pages of terms and conditions for her to agree to in order to stay here for the next 90 days. She called at 4:45 pm and said she had a job interview tonight. I almost had to burst out laughing. I have been a manager for a number of years and I cannot imagine anyone conducting an interview at 4:45 pm on Friday night! Well...unless the "job" is for something other than what I'd want to do for a living! LOL! I'm positive she has a date tonight. NOT a job interview! But what do you do? Tell this over 30 year old woman that she HAS to come discuss her request to move in? She said she would try to make it over here on Sunday. That's fine. I plan to hand the letter to my husband and have him read it before she arrives. I have more than enough on my hands without adding his unemployed daughter to the mix!

Finding friends. Well, I sort of have the opinion that we all have our own issues. Mine are my husband's diabetes. But another woman might have a serious weight problem. Another woman might have a child who is difficult or causing problesm. Another might have a spouse who beats her or verbally abuses her. I guess I don't think that the other person has to have lived with a diabetic to really understand what I'm going through. I do believe that you can transfer issues and become great friends and support each other through your troubles. The friends that I called in my last blog live several states away from me. Do I believe that you can form friendships even over the internet, call each other on the phone, and be there to support each other.

The other half of that is just explaining what you are going through. My sisters have never understood my problems with diabetes....until I sat down and literally walked them through a day in my life. OK, so I picked a really bad day. But after doing that a few times, they started to understand. After calling them and telling them that once again, he blew up and told me to get out....they actually started creating rooms in their case I really do need to leave. One of my sisters has actually told me that I should leave him...but I am not ready to do that.

I love him with all my heart. When he is normal. We have the best time together. And we are happy.

I do not like who he becomes when his sugar is out of whack. But I think I am starting to learn to recognize the difference between the 2 men. I hope I am. I do not like him at all at that time. But as long as I can recognize the "other" him....and realize it is not who he really is....I hope and pray I can handle all of this.

Should I let him read my blog? Not yet. Maybe never. I need a place that is "safe" where I can totally dump and get this all off my chest. Some of what I write would hurt him terribly. He is such a sensitive man at times. Yes, he may "need" to read this, but I "need" to know that it is just for me....even more right now. I hope that makes sense.

We used to get all gussied up on Friday night and go out to dinner. Sometimes we would go to the theater or to a dinner theater, take in a local play. It was so much fun. But now he just hurts too much. I asked him if he wanted to at least go to a movie tonight after his daughter called and said she wasn't coming over. He said no. He just wants to sit here.

Which leads me to my next question. We are both over 50. I consider myself to be right in the middle of my life. I plan to live at least another good 50 years. I certainly do not want to "sit here" for the next 50 years!!! And I'm starting to wonder if he can do much else other than just "sit here" until he dies. When do you make the decision to leave your spouse's side and let him just "sit here" and go off and do the things that you want to do, but do them alone? I know that I understand that he is dieing and I am not....but I do love him and would love to do things with him, but he does not feel like doing anything....or he is in too much pain...or too tired....there is always an excuse. I know that I can get up and go to the movie alone...but that is not why I am married! I am in this relationship to have a partner, someone to go places with, someone to share life with.

And perhaps I'm just rambling in a circle of thoughts tonight....but by putting them down on "paper" via this blog, perhaps some sense will come of this.

Thank you for your comments. It really is nice to know that I am not alone in this world of diabetes. I have done so much research and looked for support for spouses....there really isn't much out there. I did read that the divorce rate for this disease is 67% and to be quite honest...I was suprised it was that low!!!

In my next blog, I want to talk about the lack of communication from diabetics. Does it exist?

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

A network of friends...a life line

There are moments when I think life cannot get any worse...and then it does! My husband's 32 year old daughter quit her $50K a year job because she didn't like her boss. Geez! And tonight he announced that she was moving in with us the end of the month.

At first I thought I would scream. I quietly got up and took a walk around the lake, calling my sister, and then my 2 best friends. Just talking and listening. Wondering what I would do. Absolutely certain that if I told him she couldn't move in, he would go ballistic on me.

Background. She lived with us a few years ago and life was horrible then. She is a primadonna spoiled drama queen, to say the least. I do like her as a person, but I do not like her living habits. You know, wet laundry in the washing machine for 4 days, dirty laundry all over the guest bathroom floor....blobs of hair color on the carpet that we still have not replaced.

So I walked and talked to my friends for an hour. Talked out all the options. Came back to the house and asked him if we could talk. Completely and totally ready for him to blow up and start screaming at me again.

But he didn't. He actually turned off the TV and sat and listened to me. And I do think I was more desparately open than I have ever been with him. After I got out everything, he said, "well, let's call her and have her come over and we will sit down and tell her all this".


My conditions will be that she move into the basement for a maximum of 90 days and that she must work 40 hours a week looking for a job and that on weekends and evenings, she helps cook, clean, and do yardwork. She will not be a guest, she will be an adult member of this household and pull her own weight around here. I just can't imagine that she will agree to any of this and think she will come up with an alternative living arrangement. Which is fine.

He also agreed to go to marriage counseling. I'm calling first thing tomorrow to set up an appointment! I'm going to start with the diabetes nutritionist that I've been seeing.

I am so grateful for my friends, that they listen to me and that even though they do not live with diabetes or fully understand it, they are here for me at all times!!!

If you live with a diabetic....find yourself a a network of friends. And then call them when you need them!

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

It's 2 o'clock in the morning....

and who is there to listen to me? The house is not quiet as I can hear the roar of his snoring. I know he is in terrible pain tonight as I woke up to him flopping his feet on the bed. I'm fully aware that he is clueless as he is sound asleep. But how can I sleep with the bed literally jumping every few seconds? He will lift a foot and flop it back down on the bed. It must be some natural instinct to find a comfortable position?

So I get up and come downstairs thinking I will sleep on the sofa, but I can't sleep. I did look at his feet last night and they are worse than ever. Huge orange gnarles on them that have white tips. Carbunkles the size of an egg coming off his heels. Lumps and bumps everywhere. I really do not know how he walks.

He is going to die. And I think I have finally realized that. The problem is that I am not going to die. Well, at least not from diabetes. He even said to me this weekend, "If I am going to die, I am going to live the way I want". And in two days, he ate a bag of potato chips, a bag of chocolate chip cookies, and a chocolate ice cream sundae. Does he know from his feet that he is going to die? Is that what is going on? I feel like I'm sitting here just waiting for "it" to happen. That my own life cannot progress until his ends.

Yep, it's 2:00 am and I must be rambling...I'm so tired, so exhausted....and I can't sleep because I can't be in my own bed with him due to all the flopping about!

Maybe I will sleep tomorrow! :o)