Saturday, May 07, 2011

Diabetic abuse

I truly wish some professional non-diabetic would take this on as a case study.  But I wonder if a diabetic and their families would acknowledge it as a whole.

Here's what I'm thinking.

Most women/wives who are abused deny that they are abused.  Verbal abuse is the use of words that threaten, harshly criticize, ridicule, or harass a person.  It's a pattern of behavior that can seriously interfere with one's positive emotional development and can lead to significant detriment to one's self-esteem, emotional well-being, and physical state.  It has been beenfurther described as an ongoingemotional environment organized by the abuser or the purpose of control.

Emotional abuse - any kind of abuse that is not physical. It can includ constant criticism, intimidation, manipulation, refusal to ever be pleased.  Just google the terms and see what you come up with.

I found this discussion thread and know there are many more of us out there.
and this article about mood swings in men with diabetes.

You can read about anger issues, personality changes, relationship problems and more in discussion threads here

Some days, the more I read, the more "sick-to-my-stomach" I become.  It hurts to rehash what I go through over and over in my own life.

Some days, I am struggling to keep his depression from becoming my depression. And I can barely function.  Let alone try to help someone else.  This is not abuse.  This is me allowing his depression to enter my emotional state.

Some days, his verbal onslaught sends me deep into a shell and no one can reach down and help me up.  That IS verbal abuse towards me.

Some days, I want to flee.  To just run away from everything.  This could be related to abuse, but more likely is related to how I handle the stress of living with a non-compliant diabetic.

Some days, I want to fight.  Fight for his life.  Fight for the life we used to have.  Fight for the life I had before I married him.  Fight him to get him to take better care of himself.  Again, not abuse, but self-imposed reaction to whatever the situation is.

Some days, I spend my entire day/week/month in denial.   Could be related to abuse.  Could be just my way of dealing with his diabetes.

I don't think I'm in denial about diabetic abuse.  It is abuse rendered by the diabetic towards their spouse, children, loved ones.  And it has the very same impact/issues as any other type of abuse.  Even if the diabetic does not remember what he said or did.  Verbal and/or emotional abuse can lead to physical abuse.  Regardless of whether the person is a diabetic or not.    It is when he tries to make me feel less than I am.  It is when he tries verbally to control me or manipulate me.  And I am accutely aware of when he tries to do that and simply address it immediately and tell him that it has to stop, that he does not have the right to verbally abuse me.  And yes, I use those exact words.

No one, diabetic or not, has the right to abuse another person.  And no one needs to allow themselves to be abused by another person.  It really is that simple.

In many abuse situations, the person being abused will not step forward, will not seek help, doesn't understand or know that they are being abused.  They feel that it is all their fault and if they mend their ways, it will stop.

So rule number one for a diabetic spouse.  If he goes into a low and starts verbally abusing you, I think you have 2 options.  1) inform him that he does not have the right to speak to you in that manner and 2) inform him that if it continues, you will leave until he has had time to realize just how valuable you are in his life.  And then if he continues, calmly walk away.

It has worked for me numerous times.  Keep in mind that if my husband ever indicated he was going to become violent in any manner, I would immediately call 911.  After all, my safety, my physical, emotional and mental health are critically important if I am to remain his primary caregiver.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

The "battle" continues.....

I am having a great time with my sister this week!

He is pouting and sulking....

She and I started Atkins and we are eating according to the plan.  We offer what we are fixing to him along with bread or something he can get carbs from.

He fixes his own meals or goes to a fast food place and brings it home.

He said, "guess I'm on my own again tonight".

I said, "if you don't want to eat what we fix, then I guess you are"

She and I are talking non-stop about everything.  Making plans to move to the same retirement community.

He is answering any question with a one syllable, one word answer

We are creating and designing

He is sulking and pouting.

This week, I happen to be able to see how hilarious this is.  He is trying to manipulate and control by using his emotions and the more we ignore him, the more he acts out his behavior.  Nothing less than a 10 year old boy!

Last night, I inquired about his glucose.  It's been running 190 - 220.  I asked if he had been reporting his numbers to endocrinology.  He said yes.

Does he not know that I can go online and check this out myself?  Last time he emailed her was 3/27/11.   I also found out that he has not emailed his personal physician like he said he would do.

So I cannot help him.  There is no help.  He is back to his old tricks and the only thing I can do is ignore him.  And I swear, when he goes into that diabetic coma....I will not be the one who calls 911.  Yes, it is beyond frustrating, but I have been living like this for 12 years and it's time it stops.  He has taken away so much of my life and it's time to get it back.

Today, we are off to have a very special lunch with an elderly couple.  He is going.  He refused to eat breakfast of any kind.  I'm sure he is planning to gorge himself at lunch.  Then we are driving another hour to drop my sister off - meeting up with her husband.  I will certainly miss her.  But the weekend is here and next week we are off to the beach for a much needed vacation.  Yep, more on my anticipatory fears of TSA pat downs coming soon!  LOL!!!


Monday, May 02, 2011

Ignoring it better or worse???

My sis and her hubby arrived Saturday and my Hubbard was in a horrible snit. I decided to ignore him! Sunday morning found my brother-in-law repairing our gas fireplace and hubby was in his office fiddling on his computer. I walked in and said, "he came down here to visit with you. You need to be out there helping him."

Hubby said he wanted to work on his computer. I said, you can do that late, now get out there and help!

So, they got the fireplace working again. Then they got the rails on the back deck tightened. Then we got a stain glass window out of an upper level window. They got the battery replaced on hubby's sportscar. We got their iPods hooked up and working. it was one thing after another all day long. Brother in law left this morning, but sis is spending the week. Hubby is sore and exhausted and still just totally grumpy. He went to bed at 6 pm. I taught sis how to do eBay and craigslist today. I think we listed 20 auctions. Watched a movie tonight. Got a walk in...down and around the lake and back. It is so wonderful to actually be doing things!

I have decided that all of hubby's doctors have released him with no follow ups for a year. So until one of them decides there is a problem, then there is no problem. And he is just going to have to chin up and start carrying his weight around here.

Tomorrow sis and I are going shopping. Will be another fun day!!

In the meantime, hubby is pissed and answering questions with one word, refusing to get engaged in conversations...trying hard to punish me. It's just not working!