Time heals all

Hubby is much better.  His dad is getting better.  Still in the hospital, but making baby steps every day.  He's been in for 4 1/2 weeks now with no sign of getting discharged.

He is scared

Hubby called.  He is scared.  He has had almost non-stop diarrhea for the last week.  He can't eat a thing.  I told him to go to a doctor.  He said he won't go.  He's a thousand miles away.  His dad is still in ICU, battling kidney failure right now.  His brother went home.

History:
2009 Heart attack
2010 Bypass surgery
2011 Spinal fusion surgery
2012 Let go from work/moved/mother died
2013....

only 4 years since his heart attack.  only 3 years since his bypass surgery.  he should be good for at least 2 more years.

2 years since the spinal fusion surgery.  I honestly think that they re-routed his intestines as he has simply not had a correct digestive system since then.

Or is it the long-term diabetes simply catching up with his intestines?

Is he at "uncontrolled diarrhea" listed here?

Does he have diabetic neuropathy?

He is either going to get sick enough that he will want to see a doctor, or continue to suffer until he winds up in ER.  I feel so bad for him.  But I really can't help him.

He's back!!

I must really be a terrible person.  I am so not enjoying his company.  He is passing the worst gas ever.  We were in the car for an hour today and I thought I was goimg to vomit.  That's how rank it was.  I know he can't help it, but I can't stand that rank sweet smell that tells me his sugar is out of kilter.  Have you ever smelled what I'm talking about?

He has the volume on the TV so loud the floor vibrates.  Has he gotten that deaf?

H started out driving today and in 5 minutes he had to pull over.  He took a prescription pain pill last night and it made him start to get ill.  I was happy to drive, but I wonder why he even wanted to head out.

He bangs every single door whether it is the kitchen cabinets, the bedroom door or the front door.  I don't know why or when that started.  I think I am just over sensitive to everything right now.  But sad as it sounds, I am not enjoying his company.  Nothing has changed.  It's like I stepped back in time to 7 months ago.  All I can say is that I was blessed to have such a long break.  I am really, truly sorry that I feel this way.  I don't think he has a clue.  He is just like a bull in a china store...plodding his way through life completely obvious to how fragile things around him are!!!

has it been a month?

since I last posted???  WOW!  How time flies.  Hubby is still living a thousand miles away helping out with his dad.  Dad had a colonoscopy last Friday and is in surgery at this moment having 1/3 of his colon removed.  It's cancer.  Age 81.  They will send samples to the lab to see if it has spread to his liver and we will know in a couple of weeks.

Hubby seems to be holding up well.  His brother is there right now.  If all goes well, he will be here the end of the week for 10 days, then back to his dad's so his brother can go home.  I have packed up more of his stuff that he wants to take back with him.  Looks like this separation is for the long haul.

He was supposed to line up doctor's appointments and that didn't happen.  It has been a year since he last saw any of his doctors.  He continues to tell me that he will not go back.  I cannot worry about that.  What I do know is that his A1c is down because he has increased his Humulin Ru500 (5x concentrated) to 40 U am and 40U pm.  I know that is way, way, way high.  I cannot worry about that.

When we video skype, he looks different.  It will be good to see him in person.  I have not seen him since 1/22.  I can tell a lot just by looking at him.

I am keeping busy with gardening.  I'm also in the process of encapsulating the crawl space on my own.  That is a huge undertaking - hauling out chunks of concrete and other items one bucket at a time. I figure someone will find me dead under the house one of these days!  LOL!!!  My son has been coming here on the weekends and helping me dig up sod to put in new flower beds.  Time is flying.  Literally.  It has now been 7 months since hubby moved in with his dad.

I'm doing just fine.  :o)

DW

FIL is out of the hospital

Sometimes things are too funny to believe.  Hubby's dad woke up early Sat am and somehow had his partial plate tangled around his tongue.  The nurses couldn't get it out!  I think it scared them so they decided to discharge him.  Then he got his contact lens stuck in an eye and they had to suction it out.  

There are reasons why one should wear eye glasses and take their teeth out at night when you reach a certain age!  :o)

And a family of at least 7 skunks has come to life under the house, so the exterminators have been called and 4 have been trapped and relocated.  The remaining 3 (at least that many) had a squabble last night and I guess the smell is horrible.  I am glad I'm not there!

Can I tell you how much I am enjoying the reprieve from medical stuff?  From diabetes?  From highs and lows???  OK - also from channel surfing, grocery shopping, cleaning......from the roller coaster?

Some days I just sit here in my solitude.  Other days I am beyond hectic.  My youngest sister popped in for a visit today while I was out back cleaning out the shed and working in the garage.  Tomorrow another sister is coming to cut my hair.  Next weekend I will spend with a friend a hundred miles away while we get creative with our art.  I'm starting dance lessons with my youngest sister this week.  She's been going for  a few weeks and I decided to join.  

So....I sing on Mondays, dance on Tuesdays, do Bible study on Wednesdays, teach art on Thursdays....and try to keep my weekends free!!!  I know that things always change and this may not last, but I am truly enjoying life at the moment!  And I think it's finding it's own balance!

Hope the same goes for each of you!

DW

Even Steven

Where did that phrase come from?  LOL!!!  I think it's how to describe my life right now.  Good days and bad days...even numbers so things are in balance.

Hubby's dad is in the hospital and while I don't think it's too serious, he will be in at least 5 days and hubby is stressed to the max.  I'm noticing it.  Hubby doesn't remember that he told me something or that I told him something.  He is getting facts confused and his dates are out of whack.  He's done this in the past when he has high stress.  I have to handle the situation carefully.  "Yes, I know.  Don't you remember I told you your daughter called and told me that?"  And then he will say that he remembers. Or he will argue for an hour that I never told him his daughter called.  Some of it is comical.  Most of it just annoys me....like he should get a notebook and write it down.  LOL!!

I am continuing my cleaning spree!!  And that is keeping me busy!!   After I took down the cabinets in the garage I came across boxes of hubby's stuff he never unpacked.  So I decided to gut his bedroom.  Took down all the board type shelves and put in 2 huge glass front bookcases.  All his books, nick knacks and such are now behind closed doors....way less dust.  I bought him a new desk.  Will be his surprise when he comes home.  Of course the hutch was 2" too short for his monitor.  My incredible brother-in-law built a riser and it looks like its part of the hutch.  All the computer components fit nicely inside the desk and no more huge clumps of cables to stare at!  All the boxes are unpacked and everything has been put away.

So next week I will get back to working on the garage.  I'm also teaching art again.  2 classes this month.  And taking some classes.  It's all good!

Balance.  Even Steven.  Things are working out.  Evolving.  Just thought I'd let you know!

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Sometimes I do wonder

How much a person can go through.  To Tom's wife, I truly understand.

I used to think in terms of "years".

2/2009 hubby had a heart attack in Mexico
3/2010 hubby had a triple bypass
2/2011 hubby had spinal fusion surgery and nearly died

Then things started speeding up...

3/2012 hubby was laid off
5/2012 we downsized by 2000 sf and moved 125 miles away, giving up our friends and lifestyle
7/2012 mom got really ill, started on hospice, required 24/7 care

Then weekly

9/14/2012 hubby's mom died
9/21/2012 my mom died
9/22/2012 I find out about hubby's credit card debt
9/30/2012 hubby approved for disability, files for bankruptcy

12/12/2012 we file for legal separation

A month cleaning out 2 houses
My 14 year old chihuahua has a heart attack and we are told he has 6 months to live

There have been so many many moments when I have not been able to breathe.  Panic.  Fear.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Sometimes it is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I simply can't think.  Some days I pretend its not me just so I can get thru the day.

Hubby continues to do well.  Thank goodness!  We continue to get along just fine.  Maybe we are meant to have a long distance relationship.  He has his moments when he wants to get in the truck and just drive home.  But he can't leave his dad.  I have moments when I want to hop on a plane, but I have responsibilities here.

Today was not a good day for me.  I ripped out all the old junk cabinets that were in the garage when we bought this house.  Symbolic?  Cleaning out the crap in my life?  Who knew that I could take out cabinets???  Last week I completely rearranged all the furniture inside the house.  Excess energy?  Working through all my grief?  Maybe I should just take up running!  LOL!!

Life does go on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am slowly getting back into a pattern, a routine.  A new pattern.  Not the same as it was before, but scheduling trips to the big city, dentist and doctors visits, taking a few classes....getting back into life.

There are still moments when I miss mom so much I have a good cry.  Still times when it hurts to breathe.  Still days when I don't get out of bed.  But they are fewer and far between.  Slowly, life is getting back to life.

How much more can I take?  I'd rather not even think about it!!!