Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Response to "Managing"

"Managing" wrote:

My husband does and it is almost unbearable to be around him because of all the stupid things he does and says. I worry that it will also make him be so forgetful that he will get himself into real trouble in the shop around tools and vehicles, etc. But he will not listen to my words of warning. 
The weird thing about our ongoing grief is that it is such a constant that I have trouble recognizing what "normal" would be. I am not sure to what degree this has affected my personality. Am I even able to make good decisions anymore? I love this man and am commited to helping him but as he loses his ability to think straight his requests of me become less and less "Do-able" or he'll forget and change them. I think that MJ makes his mental state much harder for me do deal with. But for some reason it is what they want. Maybe to run away from reality?  
All of this combined with his anger and hate for everything and everyone has pushed us further apart than ever before. Each consecutive step that separates us makes me feel guilty that this man who used to be my partner in crime - now sometimes straight up disgusts me. It makes me not like myself very much. I pray for him and now I pray for myself to find the love and kindness and patience to love him and forgive him his human flaws. 
Looking at your timeframe makes me so scared that I will not make it through this. It is so depressing already. And I do things that I need in my life and get out a couple times a week. I'm thinking that getting a place of my own for some of the time may be necessary to get away from it and refresh myself enough to come back at it with a kinder, more patient and loving attitude. Do you think that will help me to make it through the long haul?

If you have read past posts, you know that hubby left me for 3 years.  All I can say is that in retrospect, it was a gigantic blessing.  Not anything I had planned for.  But I certainly needed the respite and while I'm not sure it will help me through the long haul....it's gave me time to grieve my mom's death.

It also taught me that he was well enough to take care of his father ....and himself.  He's been back since last August and I do not take care of him.  I worry about them.  But if he was "well" enough to leave me to care for his father....he's well enough to take care of himself now.

And I did put my foot down in a couple areas.  If he ever threatens to leave me....he best be prepared to do so as I will be packing his stuff up that moment.  That used to happen on a weekly basis.  Not anymore!  If he gets mad and demands that I let him out of the car...I will...and I will not go back for him.  So that has changed a few things.

I keep telling myself that he picked his father over me.  For three years.  Thus, now, I have the absolute right to pick my life over him.  That was his choice.  This is mine.  And it does make things different!

DW

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Glucose inbalance once again

You'd think I'd be prepared.  But I never am.  Increase in sugar lows.  Too much insulin?  Too little food?  He almost passed out twice this week.

Skin tone is very gray.

Other problems going on.  Many nights of no sleep - awake vomiting.  So I don't sleep.

You'd think I'd be prepared.  After his heart attack, bypass surgery, spinal fusion surgery...you'd think I'd be prepared for anything.

But I never am.  And I doubt I ever will be.

I was thinking about grief.  I know 10 people who have passed away so far this year.  No one really close - cousins, quasi-kin, etc.  Yet I watch the survivors grieve.  Each in very different ways.

A couple of close friends have spouses who have had heart attacks - I watch their panic set in.

Grief can make you do stupid, stupid things.  I've been there.  I've done them all.

Hubby said he doesn't want to travel any more.  I love to travel.  So I will grieve that "loss".  Is one loss bigger or smaller than another?  I'm not sure anymore.

I no longer know how to help those who are in "new" grief.  Perhaps because there has been so much in my life?  Words do not comfort.  You just get up and get on with life.  Or you don't.  It's about that simple!  I turn to my faith and I get up every single morning and start a new day with a song in my heart.  But I'm realizing that others do not understand that.  They think I should be lost in grief.  These days, I give it "10 minutes" - then get on with life.  Otherwise, I doubt I could function!

It's been a rough night.  But a new day starts in about 3 hours.  And I will get up, put on my happy face, and start the day in a positive mode.  It's only here, in this blog, that I share my sadness, my grief, my feelings of hopelessness.  That way, I can let go of them and get on with life.

Seems to be working pretty well.  :)

DW

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Diabetes and marijuana

It doesn't really matter whether you live in a place where it's legal or not.....anyone can get it with very little trouble.  And hubby does.  Am I watching him turn into a pothead?  What impact does it have on his diabetes?  What does it do to lungs/body that are being eaten away by high blood sugars?

I don't have any answers.  I'm watching.  Sort of like watching a water...wondering when it's going to boil?  It does ease his pain.  He sleeps better.  He only uses it at night before going to bed.  But he doesn't get up til about 10 am.  His is lethargic.....mostly an "I don't care" attitude.

In some ways, I think it makes living with him easier.  The mood swings aren't as great.

But the "forgetfulness" is at an all time high.

Any drug that numbs the pain has to numb 100% of the sensors in the body and that includes memory, response time, thought processes, etc.

Most forgetfulness can be forgiven.  But forgetting to lock the door?  Not so much!  Forgetting what you said....problem causer.

Did he tell his physical that he is using MJ?  Of course not.  And I'm sure that would have an impact on his treatment plan.  I can't fix stupid - I hope I have at least learned that.  He's been using pretty heavily for the last 8 months.  I do see him becoming more mellow.  I am watching closely.  Not sure there's anything else that I can do.

If you've had experience with a non-compliant diabetic who uses I'd love to hear your experiences.

DW

Wednesday, February 03, 2016

Ulcers and other such nonsense

I am convinced that a non-compliant diabetic spouse can give you an ulcer!  And I am determined that it doesn't happen to me.  But I have my days, that's for sure.  Can't believe it's been a month since I last updated.

He went without any insulin for 5 days (last post) and he was a complete mess....not to mention my emotional status!  But we finally got his health insurance straightened out, and got the insulin.  You know, he has been on disability for 3 years now and a year ago, he went on Medicare.....and that was the beginning of a year long battle with our private insurance.  They couldn't handle technologically that I am the payor, I am not on Medicare, he is the spouse, on Medicare.  It took 5 people, 4 departments and 3 months of me calling or emailing each person every week to follow-up.  But finally, we are on the right track.  I even filed a grievance with the insurance company.

The end result is that his insurance is correct now, with the right co-pays and benefits.  However, he overpaid the entire past year and I do not have the energy to request a review of that....it's paid for, I'm going to drop it.

Completely exhausting going to battle with a private insurance company.  But well worth it.  His $667 Humulin R-U500 now costs him $40 (2 month supply).  His former $50 office visits are down to $10.  The Medicare gap is gone.  And he would not have any of these benefits if he was not married to me.  Yeah, I sort of let him know that!  LOLOL!!!

So now that we are done with the whole insurance/Medicare issues....I'm ready to get back to my life.  Hubby spends most of his day in his room.  Playing a lot of computer games.  Watching reruns of sports.  I'm writing a history book, upcycling clothes, walking with my sister, doing Bible Study, creating art.....keeping as busy as I can, creating an active live (yes, even at this age) in order to have a life outside of diabetes.  I'd say it works 90% of the time.  And that is good.  I am setting goals, working to achieve them, trying to maintain as "normal" a routine as is possible.  And working on my weight again.  I am up 15 pounds since he moved home and starting the long journey of getting that back off.  For the most part, life is good for the moment, yet I realize that it can all change in a heartbeat!

DW

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

So bad it's almost funny

If you have followed this blog over the years, you will know that I have given up.  My mantra, "you can't fix stupid"!

So we were at the in-laws place finalizing some estate stuff and left to drive home Sunday afternoon.  We were packing up and I started asking him questions, "do you need to take...." and he got pissy and said, "I have my checklist and I will get it when I get to the list."

I shut up and packed up my stuff.

We got 6 hours away and he realized he did not pack his insulin.  I had seen it in the refrain....but it was on his "check list".

We found a hotel and yesterday morning, he called the pharmacy.  Made up a lie rather than simply telling them he forgot it 6 hours back.  They needed to check with is doc to see if they could refill it.

I drove the next 6 hours.  Got to the pharmacy which is an hour away from our home and they had gotten the doc's ok, but they don't stock Humulin R U-500 - they would have it today.

Today, he drove the hour and they had no record of any phone calls.  No Humulin.  Will have it tomorrow after 1 pm.

That means he missed 40U Sunday, 80U Monday, 80 U today and at least 40U tomorrow.

Yep, he is about a cranky as I have ever seen him.  Pretty much slammed the door shut to his room, not speaking to me, grumbling, snorting, trying desperately to piss me off every time he surfaces.

But this is his problem, not mine.  All of it.  I went to see my sisters today and we had a great time.  Then I unpacked most of what I brought home and now I'm cleaning the teapot, bread machine, etc., that he had been using down there the last 3 years.  I swear, the man never cleaned a thing.  The toaster oven (it's a $350 oven or I'd throw it away) is so bad....but I'm making progress.  Exhausted.  But ever so grateful to be home.

Am I worried that he might go into a coma? Of course I am.  I'll deal with it if and when it happens.  There is nothing I can do to make him think, reason, plan....I have learned.  He is like a bull in a china shop - going to do it his way, every step of the way!  I just sit back and watch.  It is his body, his disease, and he won't listen to me, gets upset when I remind him of things or ask him about things.....so yep,  I simply sit here and wonder why anyone would treat their body the way he treats his.

Most of the drive home, I pondered his need to lie to the pharmacy and how much he must be lying to me.  I wonder if he lies because he lies to himself about his diabetes?  Interesting thought.

At least we are home. :)

DW

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Eyesight and filth

I understand that diabetes will attack the eyes.  Hubby has been having events which he calls white migraines.  He will get the headache, everything goes white and he cannot see.

But I'm wondering about other vision.  He had cornea transplants at age 30 and now wears hard lenses over soft lenses in both eyes which are supposed to correct his vision to 20/40.

We are at the in-laws working on some estate issues.  I pray this is my last trip here.  I left in May and he came home in August.  He's been here for 2 weeks this time and I flew in yesterday.

I cannot begin to describe how filthy the toilet is.  Stuff piled everywhere in this tiny place.  It's like he comes in and just lays things down wherever there is a spot.

So I have started cleaning.  Can he not see the urine stains on the rug under the toilet?  Or is it that he just down't care?  Can he not see that the stopper in the sink is covered with toothpaste skum?  Or does he just not notice?

I am packing up everything that is mine and taking it home this trip.  So do I even care?  He can keep this place as a place to stay when he comes to visit his brother.  Our "real" house is quite small and I don't have room for much, so I will leave everything here except for personal items.  I simply can't keep up with the cleaning - I just cleaned his bathroom at home when he left for this trip!

The piles that I have to look at are gone, the bathroom is clean.  I have packed several boxes already.  I think I'm done for the day.  And yes....it's the day before Christmas.  Not exactly what I planned to be doing but a bathroom at McDonald's was cleaner than this one!

May 2016 bring great joy to your life and may your non-compliant diabetic have their blinders removed!

DW

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Holding our own

Well, we still haven't resolved the pharmacy issue with our insurance.  But I did go ahead and switch to high option for 2016.  I decided that I would rather be broke than risk losing the house to medical bills next year!  Such a choice, huh?

Things are on a pretty even keel around here.  We are going to head to his parents in a couple of weeks to finalize a few more things on the estate and close the house up.  I will get a few things of mine that I left down there.  Hoping to only be gone 10 days, but we are driving and it will all depend on what weather we run into.  It's about 1000 miles away.

We are bringing back a power lift chair and a jazzy wheelchair in the event they are needed in the future.  So I have been purging the house, deciding where to put the chair and cleaning out the front of the garage so the wheelchair can go out there.   This is a tiny little 1100 sf house, so there's not much room for even 1 more chair!

I will get a few things of mine that I left behind and bring them home.  And then there are no plans to return.  His brother will be there this trip to help with the estate issues.

There have been no highs or lows, no medical issues, and I almost feel like this is the calm before the storm.  Ever get that feeling?  I am enjoying the quiet.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving - there is so much to be grateful for right now.

DW