Dear DW
Hello! Thank God I found your blog, you have no idea how I wish I could talk to someone who understands, not only understands but knows exactly how I feel. I have met this amazing handsome guy, he is 34 and I am 28. He is diabetic, diagnosed at the age of 19, applies 4 shots a day. We have been going out for two months but we already feel very connected. At our age we talk about a future together. At first I was really excited at finding someone so special, but when my dad met him, he told me the consequences of being with a diabetic and how this could be inherited to my kids. It has kept me worried, and crying all the time, I wish I could ignore diabetes, but I can't, firstly, I am worried my kids might get it, and secondly, all of the things posted on your blog are shocking, I am reaaaally into him, but my doubts keep coming and coming....I just wanted to tell you how I feel, my relationship is bitter sweet, and I can't imagine what my married life would be...any words of wisdom or hope are helpful...I will pray for you and your significant others..thanks for the opportunity.
Dear Tigo,
I think you know the answer to your question, but since you asked, here's what I think.
You are both young. But if he is taking 4 shots a day, his diabetes must be progressing at a pretty healthy rate. Does he eat healthy? Does he count carbs? Does he keep to a regular schedule of eating and taking his shots? Does he test before and after meals? In other words, is he compliant?
When I was your age, I did not listen to my dad. ha ha! But I've since learned just how smart he was. Your dad is correct in that there is a possibility your children could inherit diabetes. My husband's father, grandfather and great grandfather all have/had diabetes. But my husband's brother does not have it. There is no way to tell who will and will not inherit it.
No, you can't ignore diabetes. You probably need to go with your gut instinct which I think is telling you to run. You might want to get counseling and get as much education as you can on diabetes before you run or stay. Education is always a good thing. It has really helped me. Counseling has been good. You won't find a counselor who is a pro on diabetes (at least I haven't found one yet), but some of their suggestions are good and do work. Some are rubbish, of course! :o) You have to decide what does and doesn't work for you, but that is the same with any issue you seek counseling on.
What you do need to be acutely aware of is the fact that your children could end up with diabetes. And that you could have to carry insulin, needles, glucose tabs and more with you everywhere you go. If your husband first acquired diabetes at age 19, I don't know if it is type 1 or 2. If type 1, your children could get it at a much earlier age.
The other issue is his progression. If he is now at 4 shots per day, how long before he will go to the concentrated type insulin or to a pump? And how long before neuropathy sets in.
Tough choices my dear. Love IS blind, but I hope you will at least seek education and learn as much as you can before you move ahead either direction. Most hospitals and health insurance plans offer free classes or you can google and find them locally.
Write back and keep us posted as to how you are doing. Hugs,
DW
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
a reply from batgirlnj
What I find so touching about your post and John's post is that you mention being a normal diabetes caregiver for your partners. Even when I was non-compliant my husband never allowed himself to be my 'caregiver'. As long as I am physically functioning and there are no other issues like you have had to deal with, then there is no reason for anyone other than myself to care..for myself.
Other than complications, diabetes should not affect your lifestyle in many other ways. There is nothing that I depend on him to do for me. I should say that I am 44 years old, so that might make a difference, however I cannot imagine my husband needing to change even an iota of his lifestyle to take care of ANY of my diabetic needs.
If I did not tell you that I was diabetic you would have no idea. Our relationship is one of married 'partners' and definitely not one of my dependence on him. He did go to the diabetes classes given at our local hospital so that he would understand the disease better, and what is going on in my body, my feelings, my actions, and what he can do in case once in a blue moon, I was incapacitated and he would need to administer a needle or something else.
John mentioned that he has only found support groups out there and that's all that there should really be. In my opinion there shouldn't be groups for partners as caregivers, because most diabetics shouldn't ask their partners to be their 'caregivers'. But, I guess this all ties into the denial by the patient.
Dear batgirlnj
Are you saying that you don't depend on your husband to get you orange juice or a glucose tab when you go low? How do you manage that? Or have you never slipped into a coma?
I think that's the problem. When you have diabetes as long as my hubby has had it and have been non-compliant the whole time, there are bound to be other issues. I'm not a caregiver for his normal diabetes. He handles that just fine. But when he had a heart attack in 2009....for the next year, I ran up and down stairs, carried things, etc. He had his bypasses in 2010.....and because of the stenosis in his back and that surgery in 2011....I basically did lifting, driving, schlepping, laundry, cooking....everything for him for the last 3 years. He still cannot lift more than 35 pounds and at my age, I can barely lift that.
Very few people know that hubby had bypass surgery. Just close friends and family. But more know about his back surgery. Primarily because of the way he walks.
So, while these other issues are not diabetes....they are brought on by neuropathy. When nerve endings die, when you don't control what you eat and your cholesterol is sky high....all of hubby's problems are secondary to his diabetes. And yes, he might have them even if he didn't have diabetes....but the chances that he has them at his age are higher because he does not control his diabetes.
And now with neuropathy of the intestines.....I'm running around the house making sure all the plug in fresheners are full, that each room has a can of spray.....LOL!!!
He did not have any of these problems at age 44. And if you develop any of them, I'm sure your hubby will have to increase his workload. When your doc says that you cannot lift anything over 5 pounds, or that you cannot walk more than 20 feet, or that you cannot do stairs more than 1 time a day.....someone else is going to have to take care of those types of things that you are not allowed to do. And that will probably fall on your husband.
I don't think diabetics ask their partner to take care of them. I think it just happens. There are support groups for caregivers. Just not specific to diabetes. But plenty of support groups for caregivers to people with cancer, altzheimers, elderly, etc. And you may well be 1 in a million because I have received so many emails over the years from diabetics who tell me that it is my "job" to care for my husband, even to give him his insulin shots if he needs that done. I think the spectrum of thought on this goes from one end of the earth to the other!
I think there should be support groups for diabetic caregivers. OK, caregivers to non-compliant diabetics. I could use fresh ideas on how to get him to call his doctor when he is vomiting for 3 days at a time and I know that his kidney meds need to be adjusted....but he won't agree.
I need new ideas on what to do with the horrid smells coming from the neuropathy in his stomach.
I need new thoughts on how to take a break to revive myself when my back is on fire from carrying all the heavy groceries into the house because he can't life.
I need to hear from other spouses and know that I am not alone. And I think that is what John is looking for.
I do feel that my husband and I are a team. I step in and do things when needed. I try to let him do as much as he can. But he is under so many different physicians and has so many different "orders" and is so limited as to what he can do physically - that I have to do things for him. And because he is non-compliant, that increases the occasions when he goes low....and when he is low and non-functioning, I "have" to get him orange juice, glucose tabs, something to get him back into this world.
One final thought. Hubby has parkinsons brought on by neuropathy from his diabetes. He shakes his hands so ad that a knife and fork will jump out of his hands. He has taken to ordering sandwiches when we eat out so that he doesn't need utensils. Every now and then, he just want's a good steak. And I will happily cut it up for him. Some people see that as love. Others see it as an added workload. To me it's part of being a married couple. But in reality.....if you look at it literally.....he is depending on me to cut up his meat so he can eat. And he would not have this problem at this age if he controlled his glucose.
Again, your husband is very lucky that you can handle all this on your own. Mine can't.
DW
Other than complications, diabetes should not affect your lifestyle in many other ways. There is nothing that I depend on him to do for me. I should say that I am 44 years old, so that might make a difference, however I cannot imagine my husband needing to change even an iota of his lifestyle to take care of ANY of my diabetic needs.
If I did not tell you that I was diabetic you would have no idea. Our relationship is one of married 'partners' and definitely not one of my dependence on him. He did go to the diabetes classes given at our local hospital so that he would understand the disease better, and what is going on in my body, my feelings, my actions, and what he can do in case once in a blue moon, I was incapacitated and he would need to administer a needle or something else.
John mentioned that he has only found support groups out there and that's all that there should really be. In my opinion there shouldn't be groups for partners as caregivers, because most diabetics shouldn't ask their partners to be their 'caregivers'. But, I guess this all ties into the denial by the patient.
Dear batgirlnj
Are you saying that you don't depend on your husband to get you orange juice or a glucose tab when you go low? How do you manage that? Or have you never slipped into a coma?
I think that's the problem. When you have diabetes as long as my hubby has had it and have been non-compliant the whole time, there are bound to be other issues. I'm not a caregiver for his normal diabetes. He handles that just fine. But when he had a heart attack in 2009....for the next year, I ran up and down stairs, carried things, etc. He had his bypasses in 2010.....and because of the stenosis in his back and that surgery in 2011....I basically did lifting, driving, schlepping, laundry, cooking....everything for him for the last 3 years. He still cannot lift more than 35 pounds and at my age, I can barely lift that.
Very few people know that hubby had bypass surgery. Just close friends and family. But more know about his back surgery. Primarily because of the way he walks.
So, while these other issues are not diabetes....they are brought on by neuropathy. When nerve endings die, when you don't control what you eat and your cholesterol is sky high....all of hubby's problems are secondary to his diabetes. And yes, he might have them even if he didn't have diabetes....but the chances that he has them at his age are higher because he does not control his diabetes.
And now with neuropathy of the intestines.....I'm running around the house making sure all the plug in fresheners are full, that each room has a can of spray.....LOL!!!
He did not have any of these problems at age 44. And if you develop any of them, I'm sure your hubby will have to increase his workload. When your doc says that you cannot lift anything over 5 pounds, or that you cannot walk more than 20 feet, or that you cannot do stairs more than 1 time a day.....someone else is going to have to take care of those types of things that you are not allowed to do. And that will probably fall on your husband.
I don't think diabetics ask their partner to take care of them. I think it just happens. There are support groups for caregivers. Just not specific to diabetes. But plenty of support groups for caregivers to people with cancer, altzheimers, elderly, etc. And you may well be 1 in a million because I have received so many emails over the years from diabetics who tell me that it is my "job" to care for my husband, even to give him his insulin shots if he needs that done. I think the spectrum of thought on this goes from one end of the earth to the other!
I think there should be support groups for diabetic caregivers. OK, caregivers to non-compliant diabetics. I could use fresh ideas on how to get him to call his doctor when he is vomiting for 3 days at a time and I know that his kidney meds need to be adjusted....but he won't agree.
I need new ideas on what to do with the horrid smells coming from the neuropathy in his stomach.
I need new thoughts on how to take a break to revive myself when my back is on fire from carrying all the heavy groceries into the house because he can't life.
I need to hear from other spouses and know that I am not alone. And I think that is what John is looking for.
I do feel that my husband and I are a team. I step in and do things when needed. I try to let him do as much as he can. But he is under so many different physicians and has so many different "orders" and is so limited as to what he can do physically - that I have to do things for him. And because he is non-compliant, that increases the occasions when he goes low....and when he is low and non-functioning, I "have" to get him orange juice, glucose tabs, something to get him back into this world.
One final thought. Hubby has parkinsons brought on by neuropathy from his diabetes. He shakes his hands so ad that a knife and fork will jump out of his hands. He has taken to ordering sandwiches when we eat out so that he doesn't need utensils. Every now and then, he just want's a good steak. And I will happily cut it up for him. Some people see that as love. Others see it as an added workload. To me it's part of being a married couple. But in reality.....if you look at it literally.....he is depending on me to cut up his meat so he can eat. And he would not have this problem at this age if he controlled his glucose.
Again, your husband is very lucky that you can handle all this on your own. Mine can't.
DW
Saturday, January 28, 2012
And a letter from Paula to John
I am having a hard time keeping up with emails this week!!! But I think each one is so important that they deserve their own blog. Here's what Paula wrote:
Dear DW,
I'm at work and just kind of waiting for an assignment and came across your blog. I don't know how these blogs work, but I'd love to comment briefly on the letter from John.
My husband has been diabetic for 50 years (he's 73 now) and we've been married for 41 years. We've successfully raised two kids, meaning they are happy, healthy, well educated and employed. Kind of a broad definition of "successful" but, I think if you asked them, they would say they are very close to their Dad.
It's such a roller coaster being married to a diabetic. The short answer is make sure you have a good family therapist on board. That's what kept us going through all the ups and downs. At one point, my husband was behaving really aggressively towards me and I insisted on a mental health exam and it turned out he was suffering from three different types of depression.
My best friend at this stage of the game is the glucagon kit. I keep two on hand at all times, carry one in my purse if we are out and about. My husband has lost two toes on his right foot and one toe on his left foot. He's suffered two heart attacks, has five stents, four in the heart area and one in his left artery. He had an arterial replacement on his right leg in 2005.
I can only say that, when we married in 1971, being a diabetic was something "special." Now it's not. It's part of our culture and health care. I treasure this "quiet" time starting in 2012 when we aren't battling blockages, necrotic toes, just normal aging stuff. This is the bonus time when you can just kind of be two folks doing day to day stuff. But, don't be shy about calling 911 when you need help and keep your glucagon kit on hand.
Blessings to you and your family,
Paula
Now, while this is to John, I'm going to respond with a huge WOW!!! I do not think I have ever met anyone who has had diabetes for 50 years. That gives me some degree of hope. He must be relatively compliant? I don't see how he could have survived this long being completely non-compliant like my husband and John's wife is.
I agree with the part about a good family therapist. It just can take quite some time to find a "good" one. I have given up on trying to find a good one that understands diabetes. I think that's too much to expect.
And while your best friend is the glucagon kit, I'm still refusing to carry one. He can. But that's where I do disagree with so many spouses. I know it's what the professionals tell you to do. But this is not my disease, it's his. It is not my job to take care of him.....when he does not take care of himself. Now be sure to read that last sentence a hundred times! LOL!!! If my husband took care of himself, if he counted his carbs, laid off the sugar, exercised....I'd be the first person in line to do whatever I can to help him out. But he doesn't. So why should I carry anything in my purse (if I carried a purse which I don't) to assist him? My cell is always in my pocket and I can call 911 from anywhere (I'm not the least bit shy about that!) :o)
Your husband is very lucky to have you. Everyone needs a wife like you. But I'm a person who needs a hubby who is complaint, who follows the rules, who takes care of himself...and I didn't happen to get that lucky straw! And perhaps therein is the difference.....if your hubby is non-compliant and has been for the last 50 years, I'd like to know his secret to staying alive!!!
I'm certain John will read this and if he replies, I'll post it in the comments below. You have no idea how excited I am to know that someone has had diabetes for 50 years! Your husband must be 1 in a million!!!
DW
Another letter from John that really made me think......
He said,
"My kids are used to her testing and needles and know if mom is low they need to get surgar..."
I had never even considered how it must be to be a child and have a mom who you have to care for. My mom always cared for me, not the other way around! And how frightening it must be when mom passes out. Geez! I have such a needle phobia (and my own mom was a nurse) I simply can't imagine having needles all over the house. I know it's not just John's kids....it's hundreds if not thousands of other kids who live with a diabetic parent that have to go through this. Childhood should be a time to play and be a kid....not a time to care for a sick parent, that's for sure!
i keep thinking back to the move "Steel Magnolias" where the little 2 year old was sitting there crying his heart out when dad came home and found mom passed out. As a parent, that has to be the last thing on earth that you want to happen. So as a diabetic parent, how on earth could you be non-compliant?
Yet I understand that there are those spouses and parents who are non-compliant for their own reasons. It's just so hard for me to understand why.
John said,
"But even for me after 10+ years of this, you just start to get worn out, That is when I searched for a support group for diabetic spouses and just found information on how to support the diabetic.... Your blog was the only source that I could find were someone anyone can relate in someway anyway..."
I think all of us have been so disappointed in support groups. They really do just tell us how to support the diabetic. And I have to agree.....I'm beyond exhausted from this disease....and I'm extremely healthy. The last 3 years have been beyond stressful here with hubby's heart attack in 2009, triple bypass in 2010 and double spinal fusion surgeries in 2011 with 8 dialysis treatments to get his kidneys functioning again. No one should have to go through that much care-giving on top of the normal everyday diabetes caregiving. And I wake up some days thinking that I can't move....I'm just that tired.
Yet, if I went to a counselor, they would just tell me that my role in life has changed and I'm now a "caregiver". So yes, John, I truly understand - there isn't much (if any) support out there for those of us who's role has changed......against our wills....and in an untimely manner. (I'm not ready to be this "old" when I'm still this "young".)
So, while John's life is much different than mine - I don't have kids, I don't work....and I do have time to write about this disease, he probably doesn't. He has TWO full time jobs (work and home) and I'm surprised that he's had time to google and find my blog. But I can relate to that as well. When my hubby was so sick....I really had no time to blog. It was just short little bursts, not feelings, fears or thoughts. When I go into times of 100% caregiving, there is just no time for anything else and I am truly grateful that I am retired because I know there are days when I could not go to work.
John, again, I just wish you the best. I hope you will keep writing and sharing and that maybe others who read this blog can write in their suggestions. I know it really helps to know you are not alone and that there are other spouses going through the very same emotions that you experience.
Hugs,
DW
"My kids are used to her testing and needles and know if mom is low they need to get surgar..."
I had never even considered how it must be to be a child and have a mom who you have to care for. My mom always cared for me, not the other way around! And how frightening it must be when mom passes out. Geez! I have such a needle phobia (and my own mom was a nurse) I simply can't imagine having needles all over the house. I know it's not just John's kids....it's hundreds if not thousands of other kids who live with a diabetic parent that have to go through this. Childhood should be a time to play and be a kid....not a time to care for a sick parent, that's for sure!
i keep thinking back to the move "Steel Magnolias" where the little 2 year old was sitting there crying his heart out when dad came home and found mom passed out. As a parent, that has to be the last thing on earth that you want to happen. So as a diabetic parent, how on earth could you be non-compliant?
Yet I understand that there are those spouses and parents who are non-compliant for their own reasons. It's just so hard for me to understand why.
John said,
"But even for me after 10+ years of this, you just start to get worn out, That is when I searched for a support group for diabetic spouses and just found information on how to support the diabetic.... Your blog was the only source that I could find were someone anyone can relate in someway anyway..."
I think all of us have been so disappointed in support groups. They really do just tell us how to support the diabetic. And I have to agree.....I'm beyond exhausted from this disease....and I'm extremely healthy. The last 3 years have been beyond stressful here with hubby's heart attack in 2009, triple bypass in 2010 and double spinal fusion surgeries in 2011 with 8 dialysis treatments to get his kidneys functioning again. No one should have to go through that much care-giving on top of the normal everyday diabetes caregiving. And I wake up some days thinking that I can't move....I'm just that tired.
Yet, if I went to a counselor, they would just tell me that my role in life has changed and I'm now a "caregiver". So yes, John, I truly understand - there isn't much (if any) support out there for those of us who's role has changed......against our wills....and in an untimely manner. (I'm not ready to be this "old" when I'm still this "young".)
So, while John's life is much different than mine - I don't have kids, I don't work....and I do have time to write about this disease, he probably doesn't. He has TWO full time jobs (work and home) and I'm surprised that he's had time to google and find my blog. But I can relate to that as well. When my hubby was so sick....I really had no time to blog. It was just short little bursts, not feelings, fears or thoughts. When I go into times of 100% caregiving, there is just no time for anything else and I am truly grateful that I am retired because I know there are days when I could not go to work.
John, again, I just wish you the best. I hope you will keep writing and sharing and that maybe others who read this blog can write in their suggestions. I know it really helps to know you are not alone and that there are other spouses going through the very same emotions that you experience.
Hugs,
DW
A letter from Geri
Geri wrote this to me as a comment on "A letter from John" - but I decided it needs it's own blog:
Dear DW,
I'm glad I found your blog. I used to be a non-compliant diabetic. I have had type 1 Diabetes for 10 years and no matter how high my sugar would go, I would deny that I was doing damage to myself and shortening my life span.I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, did not test my sugar levels, did not go to the doctor regularly. I am sure my sugar was in the 300's on a daily basis.
I take 4 shots of insulin a day and I am overweight. A year and a half ago, my husband of 13 years got angry with me and refused to support my lifestyle any more. He was my enabler, just like a drug addict has an enabler. But he had had it. He did not want to see me leading myself to an early grave.
Thanks to him, and his 'hard' tactics I went to a good endocrinologist. My A1C was a 9.5 when I started seeing her. My last visit a month ago it was a 6.0. I test my sugar 3 times a day, I watch what I eat, but allow myself a day for carbs so that I don't go crazy. I have lost 45 pounds and I just feel so much better than the fatigued, lethargic mess that I was.
I found that the healthier diet and no junk food, has brought my own stomach issues , high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, under control.
Most of us diabetics are in some state of constant denial about our disease. I went to classes on how diabetics affects us, inside and out and it really opened my eyes. I wish you luck in your own struggle with living with a non-compliant diabetic. I hope he gets the help he needs to get his own diabetes under control. Trust me, he is the only one who can take control...when he wants it.
Geri
Dear Geri,
You are so brave and so wide to be doing what you are doing. I know from my own hubby that it is not easy to lose weight, eat healthy and do the things you need to do to be compliant....so huge kudos coming your way from all of us!!! Congratulations on getting your A1c down so far! That is amazing!!!
It is nice to hear from a diabetic that you think most diabetics are in some state of constant denial about the disease. I have been saying that for years now. I don't see how my hubby can eat and live the way he does without being in a near constant state of complete denial.....let alone "some" state. I'm the one who has had to learn that he has to take control.....I can't.
You didn't mention - is your hubby still with you? I do hope so. And I wish you continued success with your "awakening"!!!
DW
Dear DW,
I'm glad I found your blog. I used to be a non-compliant diabetic. I have had type 1 Diabetes for 10 years and no matter how high my sugar would go, I would deny that I was doing damage to myself and shortening my life span.I ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, did not test my sugar levels, did not go to the doctor regularly. I am sure my sugar was in the 300's on a daily basis.
I take 4 shots of insulin a day and I am overweight. A year and a half ago, my husband of 13 years got angry with me and refused to support my lifestyle any more. He was my enabler, just like a drug addict has an enabler. But he had had it. He did not want to see me leading myself to an early grave.
Thanks to him, and his 'hard' tactics I went to a good endocrinologist. My A1C was a 9.5 when I started seeing her. My last visit a month ago it was a 6.0. I test my sugar 3 times a day, I watch what I eat, but allow myself a day for carbs so that I don't go crazy. I have lost 45 pounds and I just feel so much better than the fatigued, lethargic mess that I was.
I found that the healthier diet and no junk food, has brought my own stomach issues , high blood pressure, cholesterol problems, under control.
Most of us diabetics are in some state of constant denial about our disease. I went to classes on how diabetics affects us, inside and out and it really opened my eyes. I wish you luck in your own struggle with living with a non-compliant diabetic. I hope he gets the help he needs to get his own diabetes under control. Trust me, he is the only one who can take control...when he wants it.
Geri
Dear Geri,
You are so brave and so wide to be doing what you are doing. I know from my own hubby that it is not easy to lose weight, eat healthy and do the things you need to do to be compliant....so huge kudos coming your way from all of us!!! Congratulations on getting your A1c down so far! That is amazing!!!
It is nice to hear from a diabetic that you think most diabetics are in some state of constant denial about the disease. I have been saying that for years now. I don't see how my hubby can eat and live the way he does without being in a near constant state of complete denial.....let alone "some" state. I'm the one who has had to learn that he has to take control.....I can't.
You didn't mention - is your hubby still with you? I do hope so. And I wish you continued success with your "awakening"!!!
DW
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
A letter from John
Dear DW,
I have read thru most of your blog here and ALOT of what is posted is so true. My wife is a type 1 who has had diabetes for the last 10 years. She does try to control her numbers because she is forced to but the side effects and the laziness/not exercising is just as bad as your husbands.
I feel your frustration of having no place to vent and always having to be supportive. It does not end ever, you never know when a (for me) low number is going to show up! I can relate to so much, the yelling and fights over the dumbest things and then once you figure out that they need to get out of a low they act as if nothing happened, just gets me so mad!
My wife never sees my anger or hatred. We have 2 young kids and I have to explain that mom is not mad at them but it is just part of diabetes. I try to absorb as much of this hatred and anger to me. She also tries to pass tests, for her A1C if she wakes up and her numbers and not in the normal range she will go and get the lab work done on a day when her numbers are good. It’s Like a denial, throw in the depression and I never know what kind of day that I am waking up to.
I am also always phoning the house just to make sure she is alive. It's like I have 3 kids and the worrying never fully leaves you. And the sleeping on the couch! I am a really light sleeper and have lost track of the number of times that I would wake up and she would be in a low induced coma, the glucagon needle has saved us so much on ambulance costs! She would be low and with this sugar needle in 15 mins she is up and working normally, give her some food to stabilize her and she is fine. And I love how she is mad at me for waking her up in the middle of the night and can’t recall a damn thing.
Sorry if I am going on and on and my thoughts are jumping all over the place but it has taken me a while to go thru your blog and I did not want to add comments all over the place. I am in my 30's and there are days I just want a normal life. Where did my 150lb working wife go? She is so over weight and the things she eats, just boxes of chocolate and candies, she always tells me that she is in control of her numbers but she is not. I hate to argue and fight! it is not in my personality! The times I have tried to reason with her have just ended up in disaster.
The hate tread that is directed to me! I work and do all everything, cleaning, cooking, you can tell what rooms I have been to by if they are clean or not! and she just found out that she is getting kidney problems. I read where you are in your life and it is where I am going. I will keep working my butt off and taking care of my kids and wife but she is slowly starting to die.
There is no way she will hit 55 at this rate. I would never tell her any of this, I always have to be positive to her even with the screaming that I get. Again sorry if this is going on and on but it is the truth. It is amazing that we were able to have kids who are pretty healthy but there is NO support for the spouse's of diabetics. Every day she is getting bigger and with the depression you get laziness and sleeping in. Say the wrong thing in the morning and your day is shot. I find it very frustrating that she no longer gives signs of going low! No more sweating or her telling me. It’s just down to her yelling and or just little things only a spouse can pick up.
I wish I had family that could help me so I could get 1 day off from this, But our family have no idea on how to handle the simple things , like use a meter! They call me for instructions. I love the kids that we have but on a personal basis. There is a point where I want to put myself first for once!
My reward will be kids grown up and moved out, dead wife and I will enter my golden years without a spouse. I look forward to the break from the diabetes but the cost will be me on vacation by myself and I will not want a companion (my love).
There are days I am so tired, tired of the yelling, fighting, depression, worrying, responsibility , work, no sleeping, It does not end. My personal drive of being forced to get stuff done because there is no one else some days are the only thing that keeps me going.
The brief moments of a normal life are so far and between, just enough to reminds you and tease you. Only a spouse of a longtime non-compliant diabetic will ever understand the rant that I just posted. Keep up with the blog, it is my future!
Best of luck, I fully understand and feel for you!!!!! - TYPE_1_DH
I wrote back and asked John if I could post his email here and he said I could. Of course, I wrote back much more than that. But I wanted to share his email here because I just think there are more and more of us spouses with no way to connect, no resources, no one listening to us, and John is just another example.
My heart goes out to him because he has young kids. And while his wife probably can't help here highs and lows if she's non-compliant....the end result is that the kids get the brunt of it. We all know how our spouses get towards us - imagine a small child seeing mom in a high or low. Just breaks my heart!
And John is just so young. He is doing exactly what I do. He is venting here....and then being a loving, devoted, helpful, caring spouse in real life. I think that's what all of us do. But we need a place to vent, that's for sure!
When John replied back (I won't post all of what he wrote) he hit me in my heart when he said,
" I just want to yell at her " Is this not a team effort? do your share of the work around here and free up some of my time!" But if I even hint to that, she will get very depressed, bla bla bla and I can see her or some family memeber will pull out the diabetic card on me!" I would be such a evil person for being unsupportive. "
Isn't that the truth? Diabetics pull out the "diabetic card" and make us, the spouses, feel like we are evil, unsupportive, uncaring.
To John, you and your kids are in all of our prayers. Write back and let us know how you are.
DW
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Physical was today.....
and the GP said he needs to talk to the Endo and the Nephro. But he did tell him that the problems he's having with his digestive system are related to his diabetes. Told him that he needs to get his sugar levels down and lose weight.
Anyone want to take bets on this happening? Sad, just so sad that he won't do what he needs to do to make his own life more comfortable.
Anyone want to take bets on this happening? Sad, just so sad that he won't do what he needs to do to make his own life more comfortable.
Monday, January 23, 2012
New labs
A1c is 10.5. It's continuing to climb upwards.
Triglycerides are climbing - up to 1451.
He has his annual physical tomorrow. I'm not going. I sure hope he talks to his doc about the gas he's been having.
My sis is here and we are having fun. We are converting the exercise room into a studio/bedroom. I am already sleeping so much better and I think he is too. I think he wants me in the same room with him, but he is really understanding that at this point, we need separate rooms. We have sort of converted the MBR into a man-cave and he likes it. We are painting browns, blacks, creams and arranged the furniture so he has a big overstuffed recliner he can rest in as well as his bed.
I'm doing so much better now that I'm sleeping all night long. I usually spend an hour or so watching TV with him before I head off to bed - that seems to keep him happy as well.
It also seems that when my sister is here, he is on his best behavior. So life is good at the moment!
Triglycerides are climbing - up to 1451.
He has his annual physical tomorrow. I'm not going. I sure hope he talks to his doc about the gas he's been having.
My sis is here and we are having fun. We are converting the exercise room into a studio/bedroom. I am already sleeping so much better and I think he is too. I think he wants me in the same room with him, but he is really understanding that at this point, we need separate rooms. We have sort of converted the MBR into a man-cave and he likes it. We are painting browns, blacks, creams and arranged the furniture so he has a big overstuffed recliner he can rest in as well as his bed.
I'm doing so much better now that I'm sleeping all night long. I usually spend an hour or so watching TV with him before I head off to bed - that seems to keep him happy as well.
It also seems that when my sister is here, he is on his best behavior. So life is good at the moment!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Allowing the diabetic to drive
Dear Tom's wife:
In Europe, people who have had 2 hypos in a year cannot drive. Link here.
The ADA says to pull over if you are low. They tell you it's similar to driving drunk.
But we know that seasoned diabetics cannot always tell when they are going low. They become immune to that sensation.
The ADA explains the risks here
Each state here currently has different laws. Here's California's matrix. If we lived in that state, which we don't, hubby would not drive!
If you take insulin and live in Texas, you need a medical evaluation. You can click here to find your state.
But here's the deal. My husband would never admit that he takes insulin. He thinks it's none of their business. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure his doctor would put down on a medical evaluation that he is perfectly capable of driving!
I know that my hubby should not ever be behind the wheel of a car. But that does not prevent him from driving. If I go with him, I drive. If there is anyone else in the car with us, I drive. That is my rule. I/we will simply not get in the car with him if he is behind the wheel. And yes, I get terribly tired of doing all the driving.
And yes, it was my sister who brought about this change. Was I upset with her? Not at all! I am eternally grateful that she said to me, "I will not ride if he is driving." I needed to hear those words. I needed to be made aware of just how dangerous it is to get in the car with someone who has diabetes behind the wheel. It really is like driving drunk. Some drunk drivers never ever get into a wreck. But you just never know when it could happen.
For the past 2 years, my mantra has been that if he gets behind the wheel, he takes his life into his own hands. But he will not take my life, my friends or my family's lives into his hands. It's just not allowed.
Yes, he fought me tooth and nail on this one. He got mad. He threw a fit. He refused to get into the car with me behind the wheel. But he did get over it. And he no longer drives my car. And I rarely if ever get into his truck if he is driving.
Read the links. I think it will be a real eye opener. It was for me!
DW
In Europe, people who have had 2 hypos in a year cannot drive. Link here.
The ADA says to pull over if you are low. They tell you it's similar to driving drunk.
But we know that seasoned diabetics cannot always tell when they are going low. They become immune to that sensation.
The ADA explains the risks here
Each state here currently has different laws. Here's California's matrix. If we lived in that state, which we don't, hubby would not drive!
If you take insulin and live in Texas, you need a medical evaluation. You can click here to find your state.
But here's the deal. My husband would never admit that he takes insulin. He thinks it's none of their business. And to top it off, I'm pretty sure his doctor would put down on a medical evaluation that he is perfectly capable of driving!
I know that my hubby should not ever be behind the wheel of a car. But that does not prevent him from driving. If I go with him, I drive. If there is anyone else in the car with us, I drive. That is my rule. I/we will simply not get in the car with him if he is behind the wheel. And yes, I get terribly tired of doing all the driving.
And yes, it was my sister who brought about this change. Was I upset with her? Not at all! I am eternally grateful that she said to me, "I will not ride if he is driving." I needed to hear those words. I needed to be made aware of just how dangerous it is to get in the car with someone who has diabetes behind the wheel. It really is like driving drunk. Some drunk drivers never ever get into a wreck. But you just never know when it could happen.
For the past 2 years, my mantra has been that if he gets behind the wheel, he takes his life into his own hands. But he will not take my life, my friends or my family's lives into his hands. It's just not allowed.
Yes, he fought me tooth and nail on this one. He got mad. He threw a fit. He refused to get into the car with me behind the wheel. But he did get over it. And he no longer drives my car. And I rarely if ever get into his truck if he is driving.
Read the links. I think it will be a real eye opener. It was for me!
DW
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
How many ways are there to handle your spouse's diabetes?
My dad's brother is married to a wonderful woman. They are in their 70s. She has had diabetes all her life and recently had her leg amputated. Prior to that, she had multiple surgeries trying to save her foot....cutting bits and pieces out at a time.
My uncle has always had a funny sense of humor - he simply can make any situation funny. He laughs a lot. He never gets upset. He has been that way my entire life. And that is how he handles her diabetes. Everything is a joke. Everything.
And while that is how they get through every day or their life....that does not work for me. My aunt has pretty much always ignored her diabetes. Overweight. Eats anything she wants. Does not exercise.
I've been off for a visit with my mom and she made a comment that I found quite interesting. She said that my aunt's daughter should go move her computer from the back bedroom to the living room so my aunt and my mom could email each other. Apparently my aunt can no longer physically get to where the computer is. They live about 1000 miles away from my mom. And that gave me even a different perspective on different lifestyles. My mom has her computer in her living room. Skype is always on. You just ring her up and she's there. My aunt, has her computer in the back of her house, via a maze that she can no longer get through.
So is the way each family handles diabetes the way you handle your life as a whole? To some is it a joke - to be written off completely? To some, you hide it in the back corner of a room somewhere - out of sight, out of mind? To others it's in the center of the living room - in the middle of your life and something you deal with every single day?
Oe does it move around? Some days it's right there in front of you and you deal with it - other days it's hidden away and you don't even think about it.
Interesting thoughts.
Having been off on a visit to my mom and then my brother - I've escaped the whole diabetes thing for a few days. Life is pretty good on the road! LOL! Back at home, I'm again painting walls and ceilings, moving entire rooms inside the house. Exercise equipment is going to the basement and the front bedroom will be a studio/bedroom. The current studio is getting turned into a library where I'm hopeful I can easily access cookbooks and medical reference books. So loads of painting to keep my days occupied. When done, I should have my own bedroom I can sleep in and we wills till have a guest room for when my sisters come to stay.
Hubby is still having horrible flatulence. Doctor's visit is next Tuesday. He still hasn't done labs that neuropathy requested he do a month ago. We both got off track on the heathy eating while I was gone, but will start back on again today. It's good to have goals!
DW
My uncle has always had a funny sense of humor - he simply can make any situation funny. He laughs a lot. He never gets upset. He has been that way my entire life. And that is how he handles her diabetes. Everything is a joke. Everything.
And while that is how they get through every day or their life....that does not work for me. My aunt has pretty much always ignored her diabetes. Overweight. Eats anything she wants. Does not exercise.
I've been off for a visit with my mom and she made a comment that I found quite interesting. She said that my aunt's daughter should go move her computer from the back bedroom to the living room so my aunt and my mom could email each other. Apparently my aunt can no longer physically get to where the computer is. They live about 1000 miles away from my mom. And that gave me even a different perspective on different lifestyles. My mom has her computer in her living room. Skype is always on. You just ring her up and she's there. My aunt, has her computer in the back of her house, via a maze that she can no longer get through.
So is the way each family handles diabetes the way you handle your life as a whole? To some is it a joke - to be written off completely? To some, you hide it in the back corner of a room somewhere - out of sight, out of mind? To others it's in the center of the living room - in the middle of your life and something you deal with every single day?
Oe does it move around? Some days it's right there in front of you and you deal with it - other days it's hidden away and you don't even think about it.
Interesting thoughts.
Having been off on a visit to my mom and then my brother - I've escaped the whole diabetes thing for a few days. Life is pretty good on the road! LOL! Back at home, I'm again painting walls and ceilings, moving entire rooms inside the house. Exercise equipment is going to the basement and the front bedroom will be a studio/bedroom. The current studio is getting turned into a library where I'm hopeful I can easily access cookbooks and medical reference books. So loads of painting to keep my days occupied. When done, I should have my own bedroom I can sleep in and we wills till have a guest room for when my sisters come to stay.
Hubby is still having horrible flatulence. Doctor's visit is next Tuesday. He still hasn't done labs that neuropathy requested he do a month ago. We both got off track on the heathy eating while I was gone, but will start back on again today. It's good to have goals!
DW
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
