And it happened again

I'm going to quit saying "what next?"

His mom called this morning, crying...her usual drama stuff. They were air lifting his father 3 hours to a heart center to perform a triple bypass. Of course, we both go into over-active radar mood. He books a last minute flight (can we just say mega bucks?) rented a car, got a hotel while I did his laundry, drove him to the airport and came back home.

Now....I should have stopped to think, but I didn't. All I thought about was that if it was my mom, I'd be on the move as well. But I forgot, it is his mom.

And the strangest thing kept gnawing in the back of my mind. She said she couldn't get there until some time next week.

So, your husband is going to have a triple bypass in a city 3 hours from where you live and you can't drop whatever is going on in your life and be with him? I just do not understand that. But then, I don't make any bones about it...I do not understand my mother-in-law and her constant drama.

Anyway, he calls me. He's talked to the doctor. They are going to release his dad. Hubby has to drive him the 3 hours home and then next week, drive him back to do the bypass surgery.

I came unglued. What doctor in their right mind AIR LIFTS someone to another hospital just to have them released and sent home? Well, I have been emailing his brother's wife tonight and we agree...the local doctors just don't want to deal with our mother-in-law! LOL!

But hubby is out a monstrous airplane bill, hotel, car rental....and if he had just waited 6 hours....he would have seen that he did not need to go down at all.

So why am I concerned? Because he does not need any of this stress. He certainly does not need to be driving that 3 hours back and forth. He just took a week to run down there because of his grandmother...now this. Am I seeing a pattern start this year? Ever few weeks there is going to be some type of crisis? I'm ready to relocate to a foreign country! Well....almost!

And now...he says he may fly me down there to stay with his grandmother so his mom can go with him and his dad for the surgery. I'm thinking home care would be a cheaper and better solution. But on the other hand, I will do nothing but worry about him the whole time he is gone.

And my next note to self....he is now wearing depends day and night. So the incontinence has gotten worse. Sigh. I worry that the stress of this will do him in.

I have what I'm calling a "survival" trip planned starting 4/11. I'm planning to fly to visit a close friend for 3 weeks to rest, recover fully from my pneumonia, and take a break from all this. His plans to fly me down to take care of grandma will cancel that trip and honestly, I think I desparately need it right now.

DW

Right big toe

Oh my. It looks like it could explode any second. The base of it is so narrow and the top is totally swollen up. It seriously looks like someone slipped a rubber band around the base. I don't know how he can stand the pain and there just has to be pain because it makes me wince just to look at it.

My sister commented the other day that he seemed to be "out of it".....not really aware of anything going on around him. I certainly thought that today. He seems disconnected from life. It's like I want to say to him...let's take a trip somewhere for the weekend....let's fly to LA and take a mini cruise....I want one more vacation with him before he can't do anything. And I fear we are not too far away from being where we can't get away.

Today, he slept almost the whole day. He is so blessed to have a job where he can pull that off. I wish I could get him to walk....to do any kind of exercise. I'll just continue to suggest it and try every day. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

DW

Today's a little better

He truly did watch what he ate today. His mood seemed a bit better. I decided to give Atkins a try for me. I know he won't do any diet, so I picked one I can do for a short time. I decided to quit soda and sugar again and asked him if he would quit sugar to help me out. He said he would, so only time will tell.

Maybe he just senses that I'm at the end of my rope. Whatever it is, it's been a pleasant day around here. Part of the never ending roller coaster ride.

So now he's mad at me

because I asked him if he could please put the depends in the trash and not leave them laying on the floor. He said he forgot. I quietly said he did not forget because he put it on the puppy's potty pad yesterday and didn't pick that up either. He then said that I put it in the trash while he was in the shower and I didn't give him time to do it. I reminded him that no, he had already had his shower, went downstairs, had left the door wide open, the bed unmaid, and we had 12 guests here all day long.

He certainly does not do well with me reminding him of things like this. But on the other hand I am not going to let him blame it all on me. It's his problem, his trash, and I am NOT going to be his nurse maid.

I swear, if I had a job, I would leave him right now. So, next mission, get a job. And at my age, I really even hate to think about trying. But tonight...it's my survival mode talking. I just need to get out of this situation.

DW

Suddenly....I'm just depressed.

My sister was here this weekend. And this morning, she wanted to take me out to breakfast. So we went. She really laid into me and I think I needed it.....but she's gone home now and I just feel so alone. So I need to write to get this out of my system.

She said that she was concerned about the amount of weight my husband has put on so far this year. I said, "I know." She said, "no, you live with him every day and you don't notice the change like we do when we only see him once every couple of months."

Which is true, I know.

She said that his upper arms are so big he can barely drive. Ok. I had not noticed that at all. I do know that his jean size have gone from a 36 waist to a 45 waist. Only because he asked me to go buy him new jeans. I also know that there is nothing in his closet that he can fit into.

I remember hearing about a diabetic when we were kids growing up. His religion prevented him from getting medical treatment. And I remember at church, they said he "blew up". I later asked mom what that meant and she said he just swelled up so much that the circulation shut off and he died.

Is my husband "blowing up"??

And then my sis said that she didn't want me to get in a fight with my hubby, but she thought that I needed to know that she saw him take a bag of candy and throw it on the very top shelf in the kitchen cabinet (where I would never look because it's too tall for me to get into.)

So, is he trying to die? Is he stuffing himself with sugar, eating it behind my back, hiding it in the house.....because he wants to die?

And that's what has thrown me into a blue funk this afternoon. Half of me says....just feed him all the sugar he wants. The other half of me says that I should go find the bag of candy, put it in the trash, and take the trash to the dump! And then there's that part of me that's the nurturing, mothering caregiver that wants to do whatever I can to help him through this. And the other part of me that says, NOT MY DISEASE....and just take a nap!

Somewhere in the middle of all these emotions...there has to be some balance. But I sure haven't found it yet.

I just want to smack every single person who has diabetes that does not take care of themselves and shake them by their ears and scream into their faces...."IT IS TOO MY DISEASE.....YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE!"

OK. I will get past this. One step at a time. But right now....I'm pretty pissed off that he's hiding candy.

I also need to note that he went to the bathroom last night and did not flush the toilet. His urine is near blood red.

And he took off his depends and tossed them onto the puppy's potty pad and just left them there in the corner of the bedroom. OK....yeah, just a little rage over that one. I am NOT his maid and I am NOT going to go around and pick up his depends after him. And I cannot believe he has gotten to this point....too lazy to throw away his own depends?

I am about 2 shakes away from walking out on him today and never looking back. But I'm so completely exhusted and drained that it's not going to be today. All I can do is say a prayer that the good Lord will see me through this round of emotions.

My sister also said that she has noticed a huge change in his personality. He does not care about anything. She says it's like he is in a drug induced fog. I told her that I've noticed he does not answer me when I say something more often than not. And it's true....it's like he is in a fog. He doesn't seem to be interested in anything much anymore. Except watching movies on TV.

It's good to have sisters who come visit on ocassion and can tell you thinks that you miss when you live with this on a day to day basis. Right now, I'm just very tired, and very depressed.

DW

DW