Saturday, September 12, 2009

and 3 hours later

he is over his low, has apologized, it's like his little fit never happened - he's all sweet and agreeing once again.

I'd really like to take the hammer and hit his thumb good and hard right about now! LOLOL!

Here's what I think I am learning:

1. When in the middle of a heated argument, stand up to him. Do not let him say mean things to you....say them right back to him. In a calm voice. If he calls you a pig, then tell him quietly that it must take one to know one. If he tells you it is his house, not yours, then tell him that you will be most happy to help him remove your name from the deed. Do not let him talk down to you. Fight back. Be loud but don't yell. Be authorative, but don't use an angry voice. Go from loud to quiet. Get right in his face.

He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.

2. Do whatever it takes to get his adrenaline flowing and arguing, talking back in a very very calm voice, refusing to yell, but continuing to make your points, will probably get him so mad his adrenaline will kick into overtime.

His body and brain want him to fight. They know it will get his adrenaline going and get his sugar back up. He probably has no idea why he is yelling, but his body is telling him that he has to do this to survive. Let it happen!

He is going to completely forget it as soon as it's over.

3. Protect yourself. If he starts to get physically violent, walk away. Get into the car. Leave. If he approaches anywhere close to 3 feet of you, walk away. Tell him the the 3 feet around you is your personal space and he does not have permission to enter it when he is angry.

He actually fell for that! But remember, his sugar is low and you have to treat him like a child.

4. When he decides to stop yelling, make sure you have the last word, no matter how long that takes. He said, "you are a really mean, mean woman to say these things to me" and I said, "and you are just the sweetest man on the face of earth to be standing there yelling at me like you were."

By that time, his sugar has started to rise, he will be exhausted.....

and he will completely forget about all of this in about 30 minutes.

5. Walk away when it is over. Leave the room. If he follows you, wait 3 or 4 minutes, then get up and go to another room. Continue this. He will stop following you. I think it must have something with wanting to apologize but not knowing what they did that they need to apologize for. Yet taking comfort in knowing that you are there next to him.

and he will completely forget that he has been following you in about another 30 minutes.

6. Write it all down. Word for word. Start your own blog. Let other women know they are not alone. Let them read all the different things that you have tried as it will help them realize that not every thing works each time they go low (or high).

and if you don't write it down, you will probably forget about it in a week or two!

7. Know that it is going to happen again.

because he will have forgotten that it happened this time
because he doesn't take care of himself and he has highs and lows
because he has this disease.....and remember, it is HIS disease, not yours.

8. Do not accept his apology, make up, or have sex with him for at least 48 hours. OK, on some level, he knows he did something wrong, he knows he needs to apologize....and my personal opinion is that by rewarding him, I am only encouraging this horrible behavior! Yep, sex is important to any relationship. But so is respect And when he goes low and starts saying horrible things to me....I'm really not in the mood for sex

even when he forgets that anything happened!

9. Most of all, know that you are not alone. Every single spouse of a non-compliant diabetic goes through this on some level every time the diabetic's sugar goes high or low. We just all deal with it in different ways. Some episodes are short, some are drawn out, lengthy, dramatic - that's when I leave and go to a movie.

I can almost count on him apologizing within 3 - 4 hours. I can also count on me not getting over it for 3 or 4 days. It's simply how I process the ugliness of diabetes.

the saddest thing is that we will survive. And most likely - they won't.


It's that low thing again

I just experienced it. He was low. He got upset over something so senseless and screamed his head off at me. Actually got up and "came at me". Got his adrenaline running. And now he's all calm and quiet again.

But I'm raging inside. I think I'm going to start carrying a hammer around and when he goes low, I'll just ask him to put his thumb out on the table and then I'll whack it good and hard.

It serves the same purpose - gets the adrenaline rushing!

And I'd get an ounce of self-satisfaction out of the act of doing it!



I'm enjoying the comments

You know, I have to laugh. Some of the people who read my blog just don't get it, do they?

Diabetic wife is a serious concern for those who conduct research. Sexual impotence results in a default celibacy. Sex is very important to marriages according to counselers who work with couples. I can also suggest an article written by a person who conducts research on this subject.
As we can clearly see, the diabetic condition can not be a "Me" issue but must be an "Us" issue.

How can it be US if he refuses to allow me to go to the doctor with him, refuses to eat right, refuses to exercise. I'm not doing any of that refusing.....but there's very little US in anything that he is doing and not doing, so from my standpoint, this is HIS disease - there is no US at all and that was 100% HIS choice!!!

Tom's wife wrote:

DW - I'm glad for you. It can be so empowering (I don't a better word) to just start doing something. It sounds like you have ambitious plans. I have no doubt that you will accomplish everything you set out to do -- your husband will be so impressed/bowled over/kicked in the pants that he will either join you in the effort or just leave your to your chores. Either way the result will be great! I'll bet it will also be cathartic (sp?) Here on your blog, we have your back. Keep going where your heart leads you.

And Anonymous, my heart goes out to you, its during these difficult "tornadoes" that we want you to know that you don't stand alone.

"we" are out here just hoping you also know that we are supporting you also.

Tom's wife

Thanks TW - someone needs my back - I'll write another post in a few about the "current" events!

Wordygirl wrote:

Hi! My husband was diagnosed with type II six years ago and has not taken it seriously at all. He wasn't having any problems until recently and now we've been to the ER twice in 6mos with blood sugars in the high 400s. Yesterday I was at work when I got the call that he was disoriented and lost parts of his day. I'm absolutely terrified and extremely frustrated and angry. I've been on him since he got diagnosed that he take care of himself but he's 38 and I can't make him do it. Aside from my wanting him to be here for a long while, we have 3 young children that want their dad around. Any suggestions on what I can do to help/support him and keep my sanity?

Well, your statement, "I can't make him do it' is just about the bottom line. And the only options you have are to stay or to leave. If you stay, know that you can't change him. Change has to come from within him.....not from you. If you leave - it's a different set of problems. I'm in no position to offer help at all - I just am here to listen and to write my own experiences. It's just a complete roller coaster, up one moment and down the next, calm, easy days and screaming "hell" days. I always pray that I just make it through this one more incident and I'll be ok..but in the middle of it - I just want to leave, to walk away, to get out.

So far I'm still here.

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

DW - don't ever apologize to us for not posting - true, we miss you but only if it helps you. If it would ever be helpful to you (YOU!!) tell me if I can help with the blog. You mentioned once that you get lots of stuff that you have to screen out. I'm only offering to help, not to
take anything away from you.

I'm sorry he is so sick and not going/listening to the doctor. being in the car when they drive like that is so scary. and what maybe the hardest part is that there is no warning -- sometimes no way to tell at first when it is just their poor driving skills or their sugar. Grrr!

I'm also sorry about your friend - that makes the stuff with him so much harder. that must be really tough and you are a wonderful person to be helping her. I imagine how close to home it all must hit seeing her "manage" her move and imagining yourself in a similar position. But you still have your health and I commend you on leaving the house when you do -- its the best thing you do -- take care of you!!!

You have written several times about being concerned about moving - but it feels likes a monumental task. One little suggestion, if I may? Why don't you try to find one small thing that you can change now. Maybe you have a junk drawer that you can clean out or maybe he has a box in the basement that he hasn't touched in years. Just address ONE item next week and see if you can decide what to do with it.

See how that goes before moving onto a second item. You don't necessary need to consult with him. if you don't need his help and he won't miss it, it really doesn't matter.

that's my bit for today -- mine is on his best behavior this week because he wants my help. then he travels then I travel. Its a few good weeks for me.

thank you for being here and I'll try to always be here for you

Tom's Wife

Thanks TW! Actually - I have started the "one item" thing! But in a bigger way! LOL! I've been working in our basement this week and making amazing progress (for me). Four HUGE bags to the trash (I think the 59 gallon sized bags!) and 2 bags for the thrift store up and in my car. The hardest part is carrying it all upstairs - but it has to come up and out sooner or later. I am giving myself all winter to clear out the basement.

Hubby has done model trains in the past. All in the basement. So I told him he has til December to decide what he wants to do with them.

a. box them up for storage.
b. give them all away
c. List them on Craig's list or ebay
d donate them

He didn't seem opposed to at least thinking about it. I do think he has come to accept that he probably is not going to get back feelings in his hands and can't really operate tiny little trains.

In the meantime, I am getting stuff cleaned up, sorted through and it really feels good. I have also decided that it will take 2 years to get this house ready to I am going forward with that as a plan. This winter to clean out the basement. Next spring to get the yard into shape. Summer will be the 3 car garage (I told him we will probably end up selling the ATV as we haven't been out on it at all this year.) Next fall will be the upstairs. And then we should be good after that.

While I know it will be a really slow process - it's a start. I think it's done me good to see my friend go through this.

And thanks for being here for me! Our weekend was just awful....but things seem to be turning back around this week. He has a lot of business meetings and I'm hiding out in the basement! It's the same old roller coaster....just I understand it a bit better!

Anonymous wrote:
Geez! I hope everyone is having a better day! My hubby has had the headaches, backpains, the ups and downs and of course, the driving like a crazy person (I do all the driving now when I am in the car). I just don't get why these men cannot get the fact through their heads that this disease is a road to self destruction and hurts everyone in their path. Well today is another day full of more ups and downs. All are in my thoughts and prayers, just remember to be strong and that it is their disease!

They are sort of like a tornado - going through life - ripping up the path of everyone around them.....and then we scurry around to make it all look normal and happy again......just to have the same tornado come ripping through again - huh? LOLOL!!!

Or I have this image of being on the front seat of a roller coaster...holding on for dear life...knowing that it's there in front of me, it's coming, it's going to upset my stomach and make me want to puke my guts out....anticipating the exact moment it's going to hit.....

Today, we are on a plateau. It's nice.