Diabetic spouse residual trauma

I was coming out of a friends apartment the other day and the gal across the hall happens to be one of my best friends.  I'll call her Jane.  Tilde, another gal, was visiting her and Jane was rushing out of her place to run up the stairs to Tilde's place to grab her insulin tester.  Jane yelled at me, "can you watch her til I get back?"

Let me back up a moment.  Jane's husband died of diabetic complications 2 years before mine did.  We are probably the 2 most knowledgeable gals in the building when it comes to dealing with a  diabetic.

Of course I went in to her apartment and started talking softly to Tilde.  She was having sweats, felt like vomiting, had her head between her legs and a wet cloth around her neck. She had eaten peanut butter, drank orange juice and wasn't making any progress.  I was trying hard to determine if she was low or high......having no prior knowledge that she was diabetic.....and non-compliant at that.

Jane returned with the testing kit and she didn't know how to use it.  (her hubby had been on a pump for years).  The test strips were dated 2000!!!  It didn't take me 2 minutes to figure it out and we tested her.  298.  Was she coming down or going up?  Knowing what she had just had to eat, I made the call that she was low, going up and would probably be ok for now.  But I urged her to call her doc first thing the next day.

When I left to go back to my apt, I couldn't help getting pissed off.  I have come to love both of these gals.....but I am certainly not ready to take on diabetes again!!!  Tilde certainly needs to get her diabetes under control.  I have eaten enough meals with her (not knowing that she was a diabetic) to realize that she merely eats everything and anything she wants to eat and is severely overweight.  Why am I surprised to find out that she's diabetic?  I don't know!  I think life just continues to surprise the crap out of me on a daily basis!  LOL!

Perhaps my vast knowledge and experience with the disease will be of assistance down the line.  Everyone in this complex is over 62.  Many in their 80s and 90s.  I will help when needed.  I will always help.  It's just what we do.  On the other hand....it hasn't been long enough and it brings back so many fresh memories and I just don't want to replay that record.  I knew that would happen.  I knew that the moment hubby died, I would run as far away as I could from anything diabetes related. But you can't get away from it in this world.  And you need to use your knowledge to help others.

The second interesting thing I'm learning......death.  If you recall my 33 year old son died 10 months before my hubby did.  In the past week, 3 people that I know have died.  2 locals.  I thought that I would attend their funerals....but have decided that I can't.  I'm just not ready to be around another person's grief.  I feel bad that I'm not going, but I hope they will understand.  I sent sympathy cards.  I have no idea if/when I will be ready to attend a funeral....but it is just too soon for me.

I guess I like that aspect of my current phase of life.  I am starting to listen to my gut and do what is best for me, not what my head says that I should be doing.  I've been traveling the past month and went off my diet.  My stomach is totally out of whack so yesterday was my day to get back on track.  Listen to my gut!

Is this all residual trauma from having been married to a diabetic?  having gone through the loss of him and my son?  There are just things that my gut says, "don't deal with that" and I walk away.  Will I regret it down the line?  Perhaps!  Will it help me heal?  I have no idea!  And what other residual issues will I face in the months to come?  Am I staying as active as I am in order to avoid dealing with grief?  Or is it healthy to move on and live the best life you can while you still can?  I'd like to think the later is the truth, but perhaps the truth is that we will never know.

What I am learning is that each and every one of us has a story to tell.  We've had ups and downs in life.  We deal with grief differently.  We deal with disease and health issues differently.  But in that process, we are there for our friends - whether we want to be or not.  We can support them, lift them up, hug them and mostly, just listen to them.

When Tilde was having her sugar crash....all I did was ask her a series of questions.  But it took the focus off how she was feeling and made her think and that got her out of her crash.  I was persistent, reasking each question to make sure she was listening and in the moment with me.  The first few were like dragging her out of a bog, but it got easier and we got her back to the present and she responded with great accuracy to most of my questions.  This is what you do with friends.  It's what I did with hubby.  Stick with it to the very end......and then deal with how you feel about what just happened after it's over.

So yeah, I still get pissed over diabetes.  I haven't forgotten about it at all.  I will always remember every moment of hubby's life and now I will add to that the stories of my friends who are non-compliant.  You can always lead that horse to water, but you can't make it drink.  Residual trauma.  With us for life.  But my life is so, so, so much better now that I'm not a diabetic spouse.  Yet at the same time, I will support, help, assist, love and cherish my friends - even the non-compliant ones.

Hope you are having a calm period with your non-compliant spouse/friends.

DW