Friday, September 21, 2007


Well, he had his first incidence of this on the road today. I think it upset him quite a bit. I had already researched this when he said his prostate was enlarged, so it does not come as much of a surprise. We've already experienced a few bouts of bowel incontenence and now this. I'm just not sure I'm ready for it. I know he isn't.

What did surprise me was he said his doctor told him that he no longer needs his 6 pm insulin shot. He only takes them when he wakes up and goes to bed now. I wonder if this change is what has triggered our recent rounds of lows? I think I will go back to charting the time the outbursts occur. I wonder if the doctor ordered this change or if he just decided to make the change. I'm more apt to believe this is the case.

Other than that, today's leg of our road trip was uneventful (like that's not more than enough?)


Thursday, September 20, 2007

Road Trip tomorrow, no internet....

I have my journal packed and will be writing down my thoughts as we cross the mountains and travel to the Pacific Ocean. Oh! How I love to sit on the beach, dig my toes into the sand and listen to the gentle sound of waves tumbling over rocks and sand. I can hardly wait!

No idea if/when I will have internet access. I am totally looking forward to a few day of teaching workshops (art related) and a few days of rest and relaxation. I am so hopeful that his feet will heal once again at sea level. And we might even spend a day looking at places to live in the event we decide to move to a lower altitude.

My bags are packed and I'm ready to go! :o)


Adrenaline and insulin

From the internet:

"Any danger or stress triggers the release of adrenaline and other hormones into the blood stream and it is these hormones that enable the body to defend itself. Breathing and the heart rate increase and blood pressure rises pumping more blood to the muscles so that they are ready for action. This is when the blood sugars rise. If the stress is eliminated at this stage, then the body relaxes and goes back to normal."

To me, this indicates that regardless of the incitor, whenever there is a release of adrenaline in the body, blood sugars will rise.

A good solid fight with your spouse could trigger a release of adrenaline.

So, I think this must be why my hubby gets so angry with me over nothing so much of the time. Could it be his body's "natural" way of producing adrenaline? Just something to think about.

Last night, I was in bed with my headphones on watching a movie on my little DVD player. The movie ended about 1:30 am, I turned the player off and took the headphones off. He was snoring like a locamotive. I got up and started hunting for my earplugs (I think the puppies must have carried them off!) so I turned the bathroom light on to get another pair out of the drawer and he says, "what are you doing?" I said, "just looking for more earplugs" and he said, "I'm not snoring!". I said, "well, you were". He instantly yelled at me and said, "I'M NOT SNORING, I HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN TO SLEEP. YOU MUST HAVE BEEN DREAMING. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MIND!!!"

I was absolutely amazed at his comment and something in me just snapped and I looked at him and said, "It is 1:30 am, you have been asleep for over 2 hours and you were snoring as loud as I have ever heard you. You do NOT have the right to make any kind of comment that insinuates there is anything wrong with me."

Found my earplugs and got back into bed and I heard him mumble, "well, maybe I had been asleep, but I sure don't feel like it."

It got me to wondering.....was he having a sugar low and this anger was his body's reaction to bring it back up? In the episode earlier this week, it was about 10:30 am.....the time when he usually has a low according to the nutritionist who charted his daily tests.

I have decided I am going to put myself out there and start telling him that he does not have the right to raise his voice at me. I'm just so tired of all this and it HAS to stop!!! And yes, of course, this morning, he's his usual sweet nothing happened. While I am quite stand-offish....he is widening the chasm between us and I don't think he even has a clue.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Rambling thoughts.

Let me preface this by saying....I decided to edit my notes! LOL! Hubby made a comment the other day that hit me as so totally strange. He has type 2 diabetes. He was on pills for 30 years and then switched to insulin shots when I started blogging in early 2006.

He said that "his" diabetes is a disease of "his" pancreas, not of his kidneys. He said diabetes means you have an non-working pancreas, one that does not produce insulin.

When I did some online research, I find that Type 1 diabetes is where the pancreas does not produce insulin. Type 2 is where the pancreas produces insulin, but it's either not enough, or the body does not process the insulin correctly.

He has had this disease since he was in his twenties. I can't figure out why he made the comment that his diabetes (type 2) is caused because his pancreas does not produce insulin. That's my rambling thought tonight.

Regardless of that, his kidney function is at 30%. I know that people can live without a pancreas. I know that you can live without one of your kidneys, but if you lose both of them you need dialysis. I think what I'm trying to figure out here is why he would say this is all about the pancreas when it's the kidney function that he should be focusing on. OK, I still can't word that they way I want to word it. He thinks that his problem is with his pancreas, NOT his kidneys. I have to wonder if this is another way that he is denying the seriousness of his disease. As long as he tells himself it's his pancreas that's the problem, does that justify eating whole bags of potato chips every night?

I fully understand that he absolutely needs to change his diet and exercise....but he does not agree with me. He says that as long as he takes his meds, he can eat whatever he wants. He claims that is what his doctors have told him. Yet when he went with me to the diabetic nutritionist, she disagreed. But of course, she is not a doctor and he will not listen to her. I have to wonder if he does not understand that by continuing to eat the way he does, he will tax his kidneys and be on dialysis sooner than necessary.

This man is absolutely beyond belief brilliant when it comes to some aspects of life. But when it comes to nutrition, I just can't figure out where he is coming from. But one thing I am learning. The less he cares about himself, what goes into his body, and the physical problems he is having.....the more I am learning about nutrition, my own physical health, and the impact of what I eat. So there is positive growth in this for me. Yeah!

OK, I hope I've rewritten this just to clarify my thoughts.


For Better or For Worse.....

Obviously, this is not my first marriage. If it were, I might be more willing to just walk away. But I have learned that there are worse off people to be married to than someone with diabetes. Yet there are days when I wonder how much worse this could get?

A piece of me somewhere inside seems to die each time he yells at me. I blame it on a sugar low. But I am starting to wonder if it is learned behavior. He has a grandmother who is in her 90s, still living, who controls everyone in her life by yelling at them. So perhaps this has nothing to do with his diabetes. Today, I have been asking myself the it learned behavior, or is it drug-induced/medically related behavior?

I know that as an older woman, I have experienced hot flashes.....and that is just miserable. I didn't want to be around another living human being. I just wanted to "sweat it out" alone. My fantasy was always to run out in the back yard in the middle of the night and lie naked in wet grass! Although I never actually did that....I really had to talk myself out of it! So I know that what happens inside the body can have an affect on how we act around other human beings. But when he spews out such vile words as he did 2 days ago, is it a medically related condition....or is it just him?

He followed his usual routine. Did not speak to me for a whole day, woke up yesterday as though nothing ever happened. Kissed me good morning and was back to his usual self. It was a pleasant enough day, but something just wasn't there. Something in me was missing. It's like I don't have the energy to bounce back and forth any more. I don't have the strength to be a loving, devoted, faithful spouse one day and then be on the defensive the next day. Maybe it's just easier to blame the disease rather than blame the man.

Instead, I immerse myself in my art and can smile, laugh and giggle at some of the things I create. There is comfort for me in creating, in working with matter to design something new. I can step out of the world of diabetes and an angry spouse and lose myself in a world that is magic to me. Today, I am melting glass in my kiln trying to see if I can form a glass bracelet. If I fail....I will learn something new in the process. If I succeed, I will be estatic!

I think that's how my life with him is. If we have a normal day with no highs and no lows, no problems with this disease....then I feel so elated! And if we have a day that is filled with misery....I try my best to learn something from it. But every now and then, we have a day like Sunday.....and it just takes time to recover. I just keep reminding myself that there are "worse" things in this life than diabetes.


Sunday, September 16, 2007

Another low that he won't remember.....

He just won't remember getting mad, yelling, hollering, making all kinds of accusations towards me. And in about 4 - 6 hours, he will wonder what's wrong with me. Do I tell him I'm just sad from this morning? Do I repeat what he said to me and let him deny it? Do I just go about my day and let him think all is well with the world?

The words hurt. No matter how much you tell yourself that they don't hurt....they continue to cut through you like a knife. And while I "know" that it is not is his sugar low....somewhere deep inside him, he must think these things about me or he would not say them during a low.

And then I have to ask the this really what he thinks of me? Does the truth surface when he is angry, in the middle of a low, and just frustrated with everything in life?

And if this is really what he thinks of me, then why am I here? How can I love him like I do? Why do I care?

Is it because I am denying this is the truth? Because I cover it up with the excuse of a diabetic low? Because he continues to claim these are words he never said? Yet he said them. And he must truly mean them on some level.

I am truly sad today. I want to cry. But what is the point? I still have 2 options. Stay with him or leave him. I tell myself it's just one morning in a week that has been pretty ok. So stay. But then I wonder....when will the next "one" hit? How long will it last, what will he say that will cut to my bones once much of this can I take?