Thursday, September 20, 2012

My mom

We got the Call Tuesday night that my mom was failing fast.  I needed to come hme.  Hubby would not let me drive alone.  Because of the time, distances from airports, I knew I could drive faster than flying.  We drove all night and were at moms by 9'am yesterday.  We have said our goodbyes to her and now we wait.

I think he needed to come tell her goodbye as he didn't get the chance to tell his own mom.  He seems more at peace.  Today, his son will meet me 2 hours away and take his dad on to the airport where hubby will fly back for his moms funeral.

I am staying home until my own mom passes which we think might be rather soon now.  She has ceased taking in any water or food.  Simply comes back up.  She wants to have you hold her hand.  I will be doing that as much as I can starting this afternoon.

Hubby does not want to leave.  He wants me by his side all the time.  I understand that.  But what else can you do when you are in a situation like this?  When mom dies, I will need to stay here a few more days, then drive or fly back to start packing up his dad.

Hubby's diabetes and the non stop roller coaster ride have prepared me for this.  Just one second at a time, one incident at a time, one step in front of the other.  Breathe in, breathe out.  Life is good.


Sunday, September 16, 2012

His mom

Frifay 4:30 pm.  Had just handed her hubby a diet coke and was walking around to her side of their bed.  They always take afternoon naps while watching tv in their room.  She had a massive heart attack and fell to the floor.  The paramedics arrived and revived her.  Got her to the hospital and had to revive her again, and then she died.

His brother called us at 6:30 pm as he was coming in with fresh grilled hamburgers.

I threw them and everything else in the freezer and in 45 minutes we were packed up, puppies packed, and on the road.  12 hours later we are here at his parents hme.  Picked his brother up at the local airport.

His dad is a diabetic, but his brother is not.  None of them are grieving....they are all in shock.  All day yesterday, they watched football and joked.  It was as if mom had gone to get her hair done and would be right back.  It,was so interesting to sit here and watch them

Knowing my moms condition, I expected to,get the call that she had passed.  We were totally unprepared for this and my hubby is so very very close to his mom.  He finally commentEd last night that he thought he must be a horrible person as he is not sad that she died.  I explained the grief process and told him he was still in the shock and denial phase.  But I also assured him that he should be so grateful that she went fast and did not suffer as my mom is doing.  He agreed.

I'm certain his entire body is out of whack with adrenaline running sky high, not sleeping properly, eating in the middle of the night...but now is not the time to worry about that.  I'm concerned that his heart will not sustain such grief when it does set in.  I'm even more concerned about the coming depression when he finally realizes mom is not coming back from her hair appointment.  I fear it will be significant.

I have written about her in the past.  In summary, she got shingles which went to trigeminal neuralgia in her eye.  She had gone blind in that eye with continuing severe pain.  Was looking to have the eye removed and the nerve cut.  She had suffered much in the last 3 years.  Form that standpoint, this is a blessing.  But that's something he will never understand.  Hie would choose to have her here, suffering as she was, than have her gone.  Something I understand...but I don't.

She took care of his dads diabetes.  Set his meds out for him daily.  We all agree that he cannot live alone.  He is 80 with heart, kidney problems and severe skin cancer.  Many decisions have to be made in the next couple of days.  Life changing choices.  We live 1100 miles from hubby's brother.  Dad could move into the little retirement center where my mom was.  Or hue can move to the other sons 5 bedroom home and be with him, his wife and 20 year old daughter.  But what if he refuses to leave here?  And the house has to be cleaned, things sold, moved...much work to be done and it rests on his 2 sons to do this.

As I look around here, it is hard to fathom she is gone.  Everything is just as it was when she was walking around the side of the bed on Friday.  And the realization that could happen to any of us.  I need to get up and clean my house every morning.  And no wonder mom said to put on clean underwear every morning!  What if it is my sister wh has the next heart attack and drops?  What will we do with mom?   Mom could live as she is anotherm10 years.  I Ned to do more to help my sister provide care for her, but how do I do that with a diabetic husband that exists me most days?  And when does life become too much and you have t say no?

All great questions.

No answers today.

I do not know how long we are staying.  I may fly hme this week.  I may drive home and he stay and fly later.  Mostly we just need to get through the next couple of days, make decisions, and g from there.    Amazing how much life changes with a single telephone call.