Tuesday, March 09, 2010

36 hours

It's sort of a countdown around here. A very different type of rollercoaster ride. We have our good moments and our rough ones. He is obviously scared. As am I. But we are talking our way through it. I think we have finished with the last of the "business" stuff. We have things set up so I can take over finances if he has to stay in the hospital more than a couple of weeks. We have a system to notify family and friends of his progress. Tomorrow will be fun. We have family coming in and then a dinner with friends. Enough to keep both of our minds off the next morning.

He seems to be way too worried about me, so I interpret that to mean he is worried about himself. But if it helps him to get through this by worrying about me, that's fine, too.

I don't know what I would do if I were in his shoes. The very thought of them cutting open his chest is horrifying. I know they do it all the time....but they do it to other people all the time, not to him. And I think he is having some of the very same feelings.

We sat together for awhile this afternoon and talked some more about our future plans. Things we are both afraid of when he gets back home to recover. I'm glad we are talking about the future. I'm afraid he's not going to want to go to physical therapy. He said, "I know I'm not going to want to go!" and then he laughed and said that I would just have to make him go.

I said I was afraid he would be on the phone with work before the first month is up. I warned him that I will unplug the phones and take his cell away from him. He laughed. But at least he knows what I'm worrying about.

While he's in the hospital, I plan to strip our bedroom and clean it from top to bottom. Get all the pet hairs out of it. I don't want him to risk getting an infection. If the doctor suggests that the pups not be in the bed with him, I'll go find a carrier that they can be in when they are in the room with him. I do think they are going to be his best therapy - even if all he can do is pet them from a distance.

Thank you for your prayers. While I know that Thursday is going to be an incredibly long day, I know that we will get through it. Family will be there with us and that will make time pass a little quicker.

I'm still doing stupid things. I think I'm ok, then I realize there was no need to take the trash out to the curb - trash day is tomorrow, not today. LOL!


Monday, March 08, 2010


He has a new meter that has a software package and cable to upload tests to his laptop, drop them into a spreadsheet and allow him to email them to his doctor. He is testing 7 times a day.....at the specific time requested on the spreadsheet. That requires that he eat at specific times - which he is trying hard to do.

Why didn't he do this 25 years ago??? Why did it take a quintuple bypass surgery to get him here?

And that's sort of where I am today in my own emotions. A whole lot of whys. And while I know there are no answers for my "whys".....I still have to go through the process of asking them.

I didn't sleep at all last night and this morning, it's already 8:30 am, and I don't wnat to get up. I don't want to move forward. I don't want the days to progress. I made a "to do" list for exactly this moment and I don't even want to look at it.

He had a rough evening yesterday. I laid next to him, holding him, saying all the right words to comfort him. And it seems to have worked because before we went to sleep he said thanks and told me that it had helped.

But while I was saying all the right words to him, my own brain was asking all the questions.

It is completely impossible to be angry with him at the moment. Yet I am. Or perhaps the anger has dissolved to a sense of fate - that this is out of my hands - but why didn't he do the right thing 25 years ago?

I have always said that I would not drive him to dialysis....but is this different? I am driving him to all of his appointments.

And then the "what ifs". What if they can't find enough healthy veins to do all the bypasses he needs? What if they can't get his heart to fire back up when they ae done? The list is endless I know they are all typical questions that every other spouse has asked and I know there are no answers because we simply can't predict the future.

And then my biggest question. How can I help you so that your spouse doesn't lead you down this path? And I still don't know the answer to that one. Because if they are like my husband.....they won't make any changes. I even doubt if this had been someone else's blog and I had read it to him if he would have made any changes. Again, I think he has been in denial over so much of his diabetes for so many years.....and now he is getting his eyes opened overnight.

Is he afraid of death? I think his fear of pain that they cannot relieve is his greatest fear. I've tried to reassure him that medicine has come along way and that all he has to do is tell them that he still has pain and they will give him something for it. If he can calm that single fear, then I think he will do a whole lot better.

So what next? I am going to force myself to get up, shower, get dressed, and then put one foot in front of the other and walk my way through the day.

But I'd sure just rather stay in bed.


Sunday, March 07, 2010

The numbers game

If you have an average blood glucose, you A1c should be 5.0. This means thatyour blood glucose averages 101 over time. So we are going to start with that for the purpose of this example.

Let's say your A1c is 5.0. Does that mean you are always at 101? Of course not. It's just an average.

If you test over a day something like this:

8: am 170
11 am 120
2 pm 40
5 pm 70
8 pm 100

That totals 500. Divide that by 5 tests, your average for that day is 100.

Your A1c would come in at 5.0.

But that 120 and the 170 could be doing damage.

Let's expand that over a 24 hour period.

Let's say that at midnight, you are at 300
at 4 am, you are at 50
at 8 am, you are at 90
at 11 am, you are at 60
at 2 pm, you are at 90
at 5pm, you are at 90
at 8 pm, you are at 90

The total here is 770. Divide that by 7 and your score is 110. Still probably a good A1c of 5.0
But that 300 is bound to uspet something.

And if you do this every single day.....go high and then go low....yet have a good A1c, how would you ever know if you are not testing 24 hours a day.

Because my husband has lows during the day and always had a good A1c - it was my indication that he had to be going high at night. Yet he would never test. And....the doctors never asked a question. Because his A1c was always good.

That 300 that he must have been hitting at last once a day.....is exactly what got him to this point. Where he now needs to have 5 bypasses. High sugar in the blood will eat the arteries right up.

With a good A1c, a diabetic like my husband will tell you there is no reason to test. Why should he? There is nothing wrong. Blood sugars are under control. A1c is averate.

So learn from his experience. It's just a numbers game. Unless you do your own person A1c, test every single day, get up at midnight ant test, get up at 4 am and test.......get and average and then compare that to you A1c, you will never have a clue about what might be going on inside of your body.

The numbers game. It could be "your" number if you don't test multiple times a day.