Wednesday, August 31, 2011

So tired

I am so tired of this.  I don't know where to start.  It's not just diabetes, it's everything. But diabetes IS the underlying cause.

He had spinal fusion surgery.  Granted, the surgeon did say that he would probably have future problems with his upper back and hips.  And he now can't move because his right hip hurts so much.  He can't do a thing it hurts that bad.

But I do not have any feelings whatsoever, except that I am tired.  I provide 3 months of care for him after his open heart surgery.  I gave him 4 months of nursing care after the spinal fusion surgery.  I sat here and watched him put n the 40 pounds that he lost and more.  A fine example is this very moment.  We just got home from a 2 1/2 hour lunch with friends.  It was a special event.  We were celebrating their 51st anniversary (yes, they are much older than us!).  And he is sitting there eating a bag of pistashio nuts like he hasn't had anything to eat in a month. He cannot possibly be hungry.  And he is going out to dinner with his staff in just another hour!!!

I told him to go ahead and talk to his doctors about his hip.  I also told him that I will not be there.  I will not go with him to any of the appointments, nor will I be at the hospital.  I will not fight for him any more. I am just too tired.  I am so tired of watching him slowly kill himself.  His glucose has been at 300 regularly.  He is eating himself into a dither.  All he does is sleep.  No intimate relations for 3 years now. it is a miracle that he is still working, but if his boss knew how little he works, that would end as well. (He's brilliant at covering his tracks).

There is absolutely nothing I can do.

My own life is keeping on track.  I continue to pull things and put on ebay, downsizing as I go.  I'm still working on painting the walls, although that has slowed way down. I am actually going to go camping for a weekend with my sister and her husband.  We think that will be a hoot as none of us have slept on the ground in about 20 years.  OK, I think it's only been 10 years for me.  I am getting out, doing things that I want to do.  But I tell you, when I get home, I am just so tired.

Today is trash day.  I went to take the trash out.  He had put a pickle jar in it.  Had not drained it.  Note, I do not eat pickles.  Of course, there was a leak in the trash bag and I had a quart of pickle juice all over the kitchen floor and had to mop it up.

then I had to clean the toilet from his latest burst of diarrhea.  No wonder I'm so tired.  I spend my day just cleaning up after him.  Now I'm doing laundry for the towels I used to mop up the pickle juice before I mopped the floor.

And he wonders why I get mad?  And if I tell him why, then he just gets so pissed off I can't deal with his anger, so  I usually don't say anything. I come here and write and vent so that life can go on at a hale way peaceful pace.  But I am tired.  So tired.