Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I feel a huge depression coming on...

I'm off visiting mom. About 100 miles from home. I thought I could "get away" and get some rest....but no. He called. He went to the doctor's and there is a gout infection on top of where they just did the surgery to remove the gout and infection.

I tell you....it is never going to heal.

He can't walk. They did give him a new pain med which does seem to be taking the edge off the pain and then told him to go to bed for 2 days.

He went to the Apple store.

I can't change him. Oh! How I wish I could. I wish he would just take care of him. I did ask if he wanted me to come home, but he told me to stay. Mom just moved into a new place and she hasn't driven in about a year, so I'm here taking her around to get all the mandatory change of addess forms, etc. So he understands that I need to be here to help her for a few days.

But I need to be home to help him.

Yet in some strange way, being here with mom is just a little better. Maybe it's just a change of scenery. At least she and I have had a few laughs.

Am I bad to not want to go home knowing that I have to go? Do you ever just want to run away? Like maybe to New York City and just lose yourself in the crowd of people there?

I'm feeling like I want to run away tonight. I don't want to face his future. Not at all.


Amylia said...

I'm sorry to read this post, and know you want to run away.

As a type 1 diabetic for almost 19 years (I'm 30), I can't imagine what problems I might face when I am your husband's age. Even though I try my best to control my diabetes, complications might crop up and things might get ugly. I hope I have a loving, supportive spouse. And while I totally understand your need/want to blog and share some of this buden with others, I hope my husband/loved ones don't feel the same way about me as you do about your husband. It seems you really love him, but resent him, as well.

I'm sorry for this, and wish you could change that.

Good luck with things, and enjoy your mom. Be sure to take care of yourself, too.

Blessings to you!

Jean said...

I struggle with resentment so often. In my case, it's because my husband won't do anything (taking insulin, testing, seeing the doctor) to manage his disease. Although I realize complications can occur even with the best of self-care, I feel that he is inviting the worst-case scenario for us both. I know we all can sound harsh sometimes, but there's no other healthy place else to go with these feelings that churn up within us as we watch our loved ones destroy themselves and our future.