Saturday, June 14, 2008

No energy to even think about posting.

I just can't do this. I can't keep up with him, with my life, with our existence. I am beyond exhausted. Just cleaning up the crap after him. The whole house smells of urine and I know it's from the depends. He refused to take the trash out and I find myself going nuts taking out the trash, washing his sheets, just trying to keep up with the smell and nothing else. I don't know what I'm going to do. Tonight is really bad.

I have moved into the guest bedroom and it is pleasant in here. But the moment I walk outside, I smell it. We have a trash can for the upstairs out in the hall and I guess tomorrow I will move that into the master bedroom. At least get that smell out of the hallway. Sigh.

He is sleeping almost all the time these days. Part of me thinks that's a blessing. The other part of me is just so bored I could just scream. When he is awake, he just lays on the sofa and watches TV. Today, he got up at 11 am. Went back to sleep at 2 pm. Woke up at 5 pm. and then dozed until 7:30 when he went upstairs to bed. This seems to be a daily pattern. He says he is not sleeping well at night, is having really strange dreams. I suggested it might be side effects from some of his drugs. He said "no".

I do think he is really depressed right now. And he refuses to tell his doctor. I have been doing all of the yardwork this summer and I know that has me worn out as well. I just can't maintain a yard that is over 2/3 acre. Those weeds grow way faster than I can move these days! LOL!

It scares me to think about what we are going to do next. I'm having a terrible time just sorting through things trying to downsize. It seems to be taking forever. But I am working on it, slow but sure.

Got an offer to travel and demo with a manufacturer for the rest of the summer. Will make 5 or 6 weekend trips with them and I totally jumped on the chance to get out of the house even for a few weekends.

Oh, he said he went to his doctor this week and there have been no changes in any of his levels. I really wish I could see the lab results, but he won't share them with me. I just have a feeling in my gut that he is not telling the whole truth. Someone said they think he treats me like an employee - he only tells me what he wants me to know. My thoughts - employees do quit! :o)