It's been a couple years since I last posted. Much has happened! My hubby has been gone almost 4 years now. The pandemic is "over". I did manage to get the delta variety and survived, but I was pretty sick. I dosed myself with ivermectin and a z-pack that I had obtained from Mexico. 10 days sick. 2 months later my hair fell out. Well - that was special! It's growing back nicely. No other side effects.
Bought a little r-pod travel trailer and have spent the past 2 winters in Yuma next to my sis and her hubby. Been quite the adventure. Went out camping with 4 other women last week and 1 of the gals managed to roll her vintage trailer. It was totaled. She walked away. She drove to the campground and spent the night with me in my pod.
About 11 pm, I woke up to this very faint beeping. 4 beeps and then a pause, 4 beeps, a pause and it would repeat several times then quit. I didn't want to wake her up, but I finally had to turn the lights on as I thought it could have been one of the sensors for gas or carbon, etc. Nothing was flashing. I told her what it sounded like and she pulled her glucose monitor out of her bag. Sure enough, that was it and she was LOW and had not heard it.
I got her something to eat. I guess I will stock some glucose tabs! I told her it was God's plan that she spent the night with me and I could hear it and wake her up! She had never told me that she was diabetic and that was the last thing I was thinking about.
But it hit me.....it just doesn't matter where I go or what I do, I have decided diabetes will follow me forever! And I think enough time has passed that I can start to handle it a little better. So I have come back to this blog to look at comments. There were more than I anticipated. This one I will share:
Thank you for this forum. My husband of 45 years was diagnosed with Type2 diabetes about 3 years ago. He took it seriously at first, and it was a real joint effort. In fact he did so well that 3 months later the doctor took him off insulin. At the time, my older daughter said she wished it had'nt been so easy..it would be too easy for him to think he could beat it whenever he wanted. Fast forward 3 years..she was 100% right.When he started becoming really disoriented, barely able to walk, I kept begging him to check his blood sugar, and he kept refusing.We went to the doctor on Monday and his A1C was 12.1,blood sugar 550+ I heard him tell his brother he was just "going to take it easy and let me take care of him" I cant tell you how furious that made me. He refused to test even after I begged him, and now I'm supposed to pick up all the pieces and give him all this the support and understanding.I can't put all this worry, anger, frustration, and resentment on my daughters..it"s not their burden. Thank you all for sharing your stories and allowing me to vent. I figured I wasn't the only one out there..the lying to the doctors,(and everyone else) the irritability,the defensiveness..I'm so sick of it.
I get it! Obviously I've been through it. He did not get to 12.1 overnight, in a week, even in a month. It probably started 3 years ago when he went off insulin. But I have to ask....did his doctor check his insulin? I remember that my hubby's kidney function was at 50% the first time it was tested and I wondered how that could be possible? Why had no doctor ever checked it when he had been a diabetic since his 30s? I get your anger. I still have moments of sheer anger over what my hubby put me through. But we all have to remember that this is NOT our disease. And we cannot fix it, control it, stop it, or help it. It's up to that person who has it to do the right thing, to take care of their body, to follow their doctor's orders. That being said, it still pisses me off!
You would think that the friend who camped out with me would have told me that she is a diabetic. I can't fathom spending the night with someone and not notifying them that there was a possibility that I could go low. To me, that seems unreasonable! But then I think back and I can remember numerous times when hubby was unreasonable!!!
I will try to check in a little more often. But in all honestly, diabetes is no longer at the top of my thought list. I seriously miss him, but I do not dwell on his death or my loss. I try hard to focus on the good memories, the happy times, the fun we did have.
What I have learned living in the retirement apartment complex and living through covid is that there is a lot of loss. I lost 12 friends in 3 months last fall. Half from Covid, half from other reasons. More loss than I ever anticipated living through. But in retrospect, if you recall, my 33 year old on died 7 months before my hubby died. That was the biggest loss I have endured. It doesn't get easier or better....you just adapt your life and keep doing your best. The loss of all those friends was so hard. That definitely changed my life again. Surviving covid changed ME. I have become more determined to continue to take care of me, do the things I love, be my best self every single day. I'm 70 years old now and most days I can out-do any 50 year old so I'm pretty happy with that!
And have I mentioned karaoke? A friend here got me started back singing and I just love it! I've bought my own equipment and can set up and sing whenever I want. What a glorious way to recover from grief! It's turned out to be a great lung exercise and stretches my brain cells having to memorize music and words. I run the computer so I had to learn the software. It's been a great journey of recovery!
My prayer for those who find this blog is that you will come to realize how important you are. Love yourself. Treat yourself well. That will give you the strength to be the caregiver you need to be. But that's it - you are a caregiver, a spouse, a companion....but you are not the diabetic!
I converted a pantry in my apartment to a "garage" - a place to store all my tools and cleaning stuff. I put a sign on the door that says "My garage - I can fix most things except stupid!!!" Need I say more? LOL!
