A few days after he passed away, I received a sympathy card from a dear elderly friend who lives about 150 miles away. I couldn't figure out how on earth she had heard of his passing. I picked up the phone to call her and thank her for her sweet note. She said that I had called her the day after he passed away. I had absolutely no recollection of making that phone call. I still don't remember it. And I probably never will.
Yesterday, one of my sisters said to me that I was kind of funny after he died. I would say and do the strangest things. So I decided to google and that's when I first saw the term "widow brain". Who knew?
Yep, I think I might serve as a textbook case. I knew I was in a fog and I just allowed it to happen. I didn't care who did or said what. I didn't really understand why I didn't care. I remember so many people surrounding me and I just wanted to be alone. I remember watching hours of Hallmark Christmas movies.....and I never watch Christmas movies in July! It was simply my brains way of insulating itself, protecting itself.
Then today, someone posted this on facebook:
and that hit me hard. It is so true. Every. Single. Thing. Changes.
No matter how much I hated his diabetes - we still did things together. We were a couple. And everything is changing/has changed. I even lost 10 pounds.
So I am still learning. And while the diabetes aspect of my life has ended....the repercussions of it will never, ever end. I wish I had known about widow's brain before he died and maybe I did - I just forgot that I did. LOL! Yes, the humor is starting to return.....ever so slowly. Life is getting into a routine. I get up and walk with my sis, I spend a couple hours tending the gardens, I spend about 4 hours doing paperwork and then I do something I find fun.
One of the rather important things is once you get done with estate papers (to the point where you are just waiting for responses and more paperwork) you have to re-do your own paper work. My will, medical and financial power of attorney all needed new beneficiaries. My bank accounts, life insurance....all need new beneficiaries. So just when you think you might be done with all of "his" paperwork, you have to start in on all of your own paperwork. And there are days when it seems endless. Four hours a day because sometimes, just one entity takes four hours. That's how much time I spent trying to close out his 2 phones and 1 sim card for wifi hotspots while traveling took. And then he hand another carrier with a sim card for traveling. I'm grateful he had an app that had all of his accounts and passwords in it - that has helped immensely!
This week, I think I'm finally coming out of my widow's fog a bit. I have started a daily diary on paper. I write down what I need to get done today (and sometimes tomorrow). I have daily goals. I am keeping copious notes of who/when I talk with someone and what they tell me. I have follow-up tabs on pages that need to be taken care of down the line. If I don't do that, I know I will forget. I should have been doing it since day 1 - but I didn't!
I'm feeling a little more organized. I can't begin to look at the entire task ahead of me. Downsizing. Selling the truck and travel trailer. Selling the house. Keeping up with the flower gardens. Giving up so much of what we both loved. So I am breaking it down into simple tasks. Do this today. Find this today. And I think it is helping.
They say don't make any major decisions for a year. But I cannot keep this house. It will financially drain me. I have put my name on a waiting list in an apartment complex where my sister lives. There are no vacancies and a year waiting list. I know the management so there's always a chance my name might get bumped to the top. Our mom lived there and they loved her.
Monday it will be 4 weeks. And I still don't have the life insurance paperwork. That is a surprise. The fact that it has taken this long just surprises me. My advice....have at least $5k in cash in a lock box at home. You will need to pay for funeral expenses, ambulance rides, health insurance co-pays, utility bills (they don't seem to stop), food, gas, etc. I am surviving. But barely. Once the life insurance gets here, I will be just fine. But that could take another 6 weeks.....a total of 2 1/2 to 3 months after death. Yep, that is a surprise!
And this is a time when you just don't need surprises. Not like that! But it will get better. I do know that. And I am blessed beyond measure. I have 2 sisters who live right here who are here almost every day. I have a brother-in-law who will drop whatever he is going at the drop of a pin to come help me. One of my sisters is a widow and has been through this and has been gently counseling me. So I know I am so much better off than so many.
I am learning that you cannot live on "what-ifs". You go forward with what is. You deal with life one step at a time and I know that it won't be long before there is a new, different beat. Things will go on - but they will be different.
Someone asked me the other day, "what's next for you?" and I said that I didn't know. It's something that I will have to figure out. But that's a good question. What is next in my life? Do I move into an apartment and just live a daily life? Or do I go do something extraordinary? There is a light at the end of this tunnel. I'm not seeing it just yet, but I'm learning a little about why I can't see it - perhaps widows brain is more like widow fog - you just can't see it yet.
DW
