Monday, June 26, 2006

Tme heals nothing

It's been about 3 months since I posted here. Mostly because my laptop crashed and I lost the link. But also because I've been traveling and he's been gone as well. Life has been good. Then I returned from San Deigo to a house smelling of dog urine and all "hell" broke loose!

So, I understand that he doesn't feel well. I understand that he has the flu. I don't understand not changing the pads for the dogs. I don't understand not letting them go outside. I feel certain that he just sat in his chair watching TV the whole time I was gone.

And I had no plans of saying a word. Just going to clean up all the messes. But he wanted to know what was wrong. THREE times I told him nothing. Then after he kept asking, I said, "do you really want to know?" and he said "Yes".

My mistake. I should have known that he was out of balance. Completely, totally, insanely out of whack! And the end result was a tirade of accusations towards me, another screaming match, him yelling at me to move out, just get out, just leave!!! The verbal abuse that flowed from his mouth is something I've not heard to date, so I know he is getting worse. I sat on the corner of the bed and did not cry this time. I listened and listened and then told him that he is the only person who can make himself happy, that I do not have any control over what he is feeling.

Yes...duh! That only made him angrier. I've written down everything he said in a word document because it's just too personal to put here. But I see a pattern. He is getting sicker. He is not taking care of himself. He is having major bouts of pain. And he is doing nothing to manage any of it.

As I was driving home from my last trip, it hit me, in the middle of the road, that he IS dieing. And I am NOT. That is the difference between us. With his kidney function down to 30%, and his complete denial (he still thinks insulin shots alone will cure him) he has done nothing to change the path he is on. I cannot change it for him. So he is dieing. And I am not. And that is the division between the 2 of us. Oh, I do realize that I could die long before he does! LOL! But my body is taking the normal aging route where his is expedited due to this disease and he unwillingness to manage it.

The rest of the weekend was spent with him sitting in front of his TV, watching movies because he is literally unable to do anything else. I walked 3 miles each day. Did a bit of yard work. Have decided to quit all soda (yeah!) quit all sugar (yeah!) and eat healthy (Weight Watchers for me.) At least in doing something I consider positive, I hope to put his latest outburst behind me and move forward.

I do believe that with this disease, if the person who has it is not willing to work to heal themselves, time does nothing but make it worse. My question is, how many more times will I have to endure his outbursts? I survive by knowing it is the disease, not the loving man I once married, that is being so verbally abusive towards me. I am just the vehicle that his anger gets dumped into. But how long this vehicle remains I cannot say. After all, I am human, too.