Friday, April 27, 2012

Pulling weeds

Today is day 4 of walking 2 miles in the mornings.  It is helping.  After I got home I went to the back yard and started pulling weeds.  A gentle rain overnight helped soften the ground, but they were still quite tough.  It got me to thinking.  Perhaps I've allowed too many weeds to enter my life and I've been lax in trimming them back.

You know how weeds can vine around almost any plant and strangle them?  I think there's been some of that going on in my life and I got lax and just let them grow and take over.

So it felt good to be outside, to be pulling weeds, to be cleaning out my flower beds.

Our AC went out.  So I'm now keeping the windows open.  I hear the birds.  I feel the wind.  I smell "outside" - not closed up house.  It's putting life back into my soul and I just love it.

Of course, hubby hates it.  He wants to spend $3000 and get the AC fixed. When we are moving?  I don't think so!!!

He is finally completely and totally out of money.  I sat down with him and showed him what I have left til I get my next check on the 1st.  This is too much for him.  He simply walked out of the room.  I have no idea how he is going to live on "poor".  I was raised on it, so I'm just fine.  He wants to go to the movies and dinner with friends on Saturday.  We can go, but do we really want to spend that much money on dinner and movies???   I don't!  Especially when there's nothing I really want to see.

Put a smile on my face.  And this is really just short term.  Until his retirement check starts to arrive.  We'll be fine, then.  And we have plenty in the bank, but if he touches it once, it will all be gone.  To we are going to leave that alone and live on my retirement until his starts.  A good lesson for him.  I hope he stays awake or he will be the next weed I pull in my garden!  LOL!!!

DW - finding things to smile about hour by hour.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

And the verdict is

still out.  After a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy, they still cannot identify if the cells are cancer or not, so they want to remove the nodule.  The Surgery Dept will be calling me next.

Whatever it is, I swear it was caused by stress.  And I'm going to move forward to remove as much stress from my life as I can.


Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Life on the Titanic, when do you step onto the raft?

Now, I think that's a really good question as I continue to blog our life.  Yesterday, I had a biopsy done on my right breast due to what showed up on the ultrasound.  There is a spot bottom center.  But when I got into the unit and all set up, the doctor saw additional spots top center.  So she biopsied 3 spots.

I have this huge needle phobia.  HUGE!

She used 2 needles to numb the lower portion, then FOUR huge gigantic enormous needles to do biopsies!  Then, 2 more needles to numb the upper portion, and THREE huge, gigantic, enormous needles to do 3 more biopsies on top.

ELEVEN needles!!!  I am amazed I am alive - only due to the most amazing nurse who kept me engaged in stupid gibberish the entire time.  She was such a hoot I had to hug her goodbye.  She told hubby I needed jewelry!  LOL!

But the moment I started walking, I started getting nauseated.  Beyond belief sick to my stomach.  Hubby brought me straight home and I started on tylenol.  They had wrapped me so tight, I could hardly breathe. After 4 hours, I took the binding off and I've been ok since then.  But I'm not supposed to lift anything for 24 hours.

Hubby did a good job of taking care of what I needed last night.  But he woke up this morning with an optical migraine.  So who takes care of me until my 24 hours are up?

Maybe that's the whole problem of taking care of someone with diabetes.  There is no one to take care of you when you really need it.

He was supposed to go to urology this morning and he cancelled that appt.

I got up and walked 2 miles (the nurse said I could do that), managed to drag the trash barrels to the curb (they weren't that full this week since he's been gone), finished 2 loads of laundry and folded it (he can get the basket upstairs) and I'm probably done for the day....but it's more than he will do.  LOL!!!

So questions for myself - he complains that his mother cancels all of her medical appointments for one reason or another.  How is he any different?  He said that he and his brother tried to engage her in conversations.  When I brought him home from the airport Monday night, I tried over and over to engage him in conversations.  If I didn't ask a question, he just sat there.  Never started a conversation once.  How is that any different?

And I can see how it is having an impact on me.  Whether or not this is cancer, things HAVE to change.

We should have some results this afternoon, or in the morning at the latest.  Grateful that I don't have to wait longer than that.   I can guarantee you if this is cancer - he is going to be too "sick" to take care of me.  He can't last 24 hours during the testing could he make it through anything else?  His Titanic is sinking and I need to get my raft built fast!!!


Sunday, April 22, 2012

The titanic is sinking

I got a great night's sleep. And today after a chat with my youngest sister. I decided that my life was like the titanic and I need to get off. I wrote my feelings in a note to hubby. I'm not sure he understood what I was saying, but I think those of my regular readers will.

There are so many different things going on in our life right now. He is with his parents who are a sinking ship on their own. He is not communicating with me at all, making decisions with his brother that will affect my life. So I told him that I'm building a raft and getting on it and if he wants to get on it with me that is fine. But it means that I am involved in every decision. No more meetings with his parents without me. No more worrying about his mom getting upset because I know what is going on. And if we winter with them, they will not yell at me or talk down to me.

I told him that his diabetes is a sinking ship and on the raft, there is only exercise and healthy eating. He can make that choice, but if he decides to continue at the buffet on the Titanic, I won't be there with him.

I also explained that I'm not going to his doctors again. That ship has sailed!

I realized today that I can survive without him and that the stress with him is causing my own body to break down and that I need to step off the ship and get on a raft in order to survive.
I've been building this raft and didn't even know it. I started downsizing a year ago selling large items on eBay. I added a plank to the raft when we decided to move closer to my family...something I need in order to get back to happiness.

Of course, he wrote back and said he did not understand what I wanted him to say.

I wrote back that it was very clear and really simple. He can stay on the titanic or he can get on the raft. Each is a distinct place and there is nothing in between. I clearly wrote out what life on the raft will be like. I told him that it is a very strong raft, but it doesn't come with a buffet, and you can't hire done the things you don't want to do, you have to buckle down and work hard.

He still has not said what he wants to do. He said we could talk about it when he gets home....which I translate to mean that he doesn't want anything to change.

So, here I go. I am going to move forward ever so slowly...but I have taken the first step onto my raft. I have made a choice to get off his sinking ship. I am giving him a choice to join me. He will never be able to say that I left him. He can only say that he chose not to join me.
I feel great. I know I will have to work hard every day to stay on the raft...but I am not ready to sink!

It's the perfect analogy. And it's what I am going to focus on. I really have to get back to where I can laugh and enjoy life and not worry.

Yeah me!!

Ok, who is ready to build their own raft and step on it?