Monday, August 04, 2008

Does he or doesn't he....

want me to know the truth? I am in a rather jovial mood tonight and it's a darn good thing! We had this big blow up last night and I told him I don't want to hear another word about his diabetes.

So he left the doctor's papers on the kitchen counter. Nothing else. Just that one piece of paper. Out in the open. Of course I read it! LOLOL!

Diagnosis "ACUTE RENAL FAILURE" - primary

Are we surprised? Not really!

BP was 90/60
Pulse 90
and the orders for all the labs they were doing that day.

And of course, it's reversable at this point, so for some reason, it's just another day in the life of us at the moment.

They want him back in for more labs tomorrow.


Sunday, August 03, 2008

Feeling so alone

Do you ever have that feeling? I'm there tonight. And even though I know in my head that I'm not alone, I'm having that feeling tonight. Hubby went back to the doctor's yesterday and they ran a whole battery of tests. I went to spend the night at my mom's. Came home and we went out to dinner. While at dinner, he started to talk about yesterday's office visit. I asked him when he has to go back and he said he was to call his doctor tomorrow to see if he should restart his meds.

So naturally, I asked him which meds he stopped and he didn't know their names. So I asked him what the meds were for and he said they were both diuretics. I asked him why he was taking 2 diuretics, did they have another purpose and he just blew up at me. Right there in the restaurant. And I am so tired of this type of behavior that I looked at him and I said, "Fine. I will NEVER ask you anything about your medical condition again. But do not EVER ask me to drive you to he doctor's office or to go with you." And he said, "Well you asked me 3 times what the meds were, once is enough." And I said, "No, once is not enough when you cannot tell me what the med is for., If you asked me you know good and well that I would tell you the exact name of the drug and exactly what it is for and exactly why I am taking it." He looked at me and he said, "you are so right." And we have not said a word to each other since.

I know that he treats me like an employee. He only tells me what he wants me to know. But I have also witnessed that is exactly how he treats his doctors. And he does not hesitate to lie point blank to them, so of course, that's why he doesn't want me in the doctor's office with him.

Yet, when he is scared like he was on Friday, he wants me right there taking him, waiting with him, bringing him home, comforting with hin and listening to what he wants to tell me about the office visit.

Something snapped in me tonight. I am no longer willing to be a partial participant in this journey. Either I am not going to have anything to do with his disease at all - or he is going to turn a corner and involve me 100%. So for now, I will continue to write what I see in him, the changes that I observe and what his behavior is like, but I am not going to discuss it with him, ask him a question, anything. I am tired of how he treats me so I'm stepping out of this part of his life.

Which makes me feel alone.

We'll see how long he wants to travel this road all by himself. It will be interesting for sure.