Friday, February 15, 2008

Liar again

I've noticed the past several days that he is back to taking a 6 pm shot. So tonight when he went upstairs to take it before dinner, I asked him when he changed back to 3 shots? He said, "I never quit."

Thinking how he often twists the questions I ask to give me the answer he wants, I said, "you said awhile back that you were quitting the 6 pm shot."

He said no, that he has always taken 3 shots a day.

So I found my blog where I noted he was changing to 2 shots a day:

"Creatinine level"

And I swear that he did quit the 6 pm fact I know he did.

So why lie? Did he really forget that he quit taking them? Can he not remember telling me he quit taking them? Maybe he quit for just a few days....but I seriously think it was more than a few weeks.

Either he lied back then or he is lying now.

Just makes me want to say "I don't what you want with your life".

Problem is that when he goes on dialysis, if I'm still married to him, I will be the one taking care of him. And I honestly do care what he does because it has a huge impact on the quality of our life together.

Sigh. Maybe I should take up boxing so I'd have something to punch!!! OK, just kidding..I'm way too old for boxing!

A civil discussion re diabetes

Something is happening with him. It will be interesting to watch over the next month or so. He came home from the doctor this morning and sat down right next to me on the sofa. Note...I'm still pretty sick with this pneumonia. He said, "well, do you want me to bring you up to date on what the doctors are saying?" I jokingly said, "is it good or bad news?" He said, "well, not so good". So I decided...not a time for jokes!

The doctors cannot agree on how to help him.

The urologist wants to start him back on the drug that made him incontinent. I asked if he was going to buy depends and he said he did not have an option. He is not voiding everything and they need to help him clear everything out.

The rheumatologist wants him to start back on colchicine to reduce the uric acid build up in his feet. If the tophi gout does not decrease, he is looking at both feet being amputated.

The nephrologist does not want him on the colchicine as it impairs and further reduces his kidney function levels.

So the primary care has agreed to start the colchicine again with monthly kidney function tests.

He was just is a very pensive, quiet mood, the whole time he was explaining all this to me, so I decided to push the envelope and asked if anyone had discussed nerve ending damage in his heart and he said no. I suggested meeting with an endocrinologist once again....thinking that would be a place to start. He agreed, but said he thought they would just send him back to the diabetic nurse. And I said, "well, she might be a place to start with that line of questioning. I just think someone needs to be looking at this."

I then (deciding to push a little more) asked him if he had given any thought to going out on long term disability at work? He said he was starting to think about it. I told him that once they diagnose him as ESRD, then he should apply for disability, SSA and medicare and get the ball rolling. But that he needed to start discussing this plan with his doctors now as they ultimately would be the ones to get this approved for him.

This is the first time ever that he has even been willing to discuss disability. And no one got upset!

So I then made the comment that I heard the housing market was going to turn around in 2009 and I thought that as soon as it did, we should sell this place and downsize to a 1 level place. He just said, "I think you are right."

At least the seeds have been planted for future discussions on what I think are 2 major changes we will need to make.

The sad part of our conversation is that he thinks he will not be alive in a year. I jokingly said, "oh, no you don't! I know the statistics. You have 5 more years before ESRD and then you have 10 more years at least!". I just don't want him to be thinking suicide thoughts because I know that leads to depression.

I am so thankful that he is at least seeing more and more doctors, that the doctors are at least finally talking to each other about what drugs are best for him and that we are moving forward. I think that perhaps my discussion with his diabetic nurse last week has done some good. I have a feeling she heard my desperation and took it to heart!

Now, back to getting me well so I can help him a little more.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Is it the flu or am I just worn out?

I've been sick since my last post. And flat on the sofa. So I'm getting rest...if nothing else. No fever. Really deep cough, but nothing "green". I still contend this is just my body's exhaustion and I'm allowing me to rest.

The diabetic counselor did call me back. She accidentally confirmed that he has never seen the diabetic nutritionist. And she agreed I need counseling. She said, "if I were your sister, I would agree with you, you have 3 choices...stay, leave, or keep things the way they are and I would tell you to get counseling." I told her that just hearing her say that to me helped.

Because I am not diabetic, she cannot counsel me without him. I have to go find a counselor through the normal HMO way. I will do that...when I'm feeling better. Right now, I'm just taking lots of naps, drinking lots of fluids and trying to get myself well.

And no, I can't even comment on how he's doing other than to say he is keeping his distance from me as he doesn't want or need to get this in the event it's something contageous.

From that respect....I'm having a bit of a break this week.