Saturday, October 20, 2007

He is swelling up

Well, I "knew" that. But my sister and her hubby came today. They got here about 8 am and I hadn't finished drying my hair, so I ran back upstairs to do that and my sis came right behind me, shut the bedroom door and said, "Do you know how bad he looks?" and I jokingly said, "Do you know how bad I look?" LOLOL! Well, she wasn't kidding. She got so serious on me and said that his whole body is swollen up and his eyes are just little slants. And I said, "I know".

And I do know. He has put on 40 pounds in the last 3 months and it's because his kidneys are not flushing anything out of his system. With his enlarged prostate, he rarely urinates....and when he does, it comes on so sudden and he has no control over it.

So yes, I really do know. We had a dog that we loved about 6 years ago. He died of kidney failure. His whole body just swelled up and you could push in on his skin and it was like liquid. No idea why poor puppy's kidneys quit, but he was gone in less than 5 days. I'm hoping I have a bit longer than that.

I told her that I'm going to the doctor with him on Tuesday. This is just the foot doctor. I'm going to ask if there's any way we can get an earlier date with his kidney doc than December. Maybe there is nothing anyone can do for him at this point. She agreed it is heart breaking to watch him like this.

The gout infection has increased in his incision today. I have been cleaning it morning and night. He probably did too much walking on it yesterday, so today, I got the crutches out. Do you think he used them? NOT!

My sis and I had a good discussion today. Do I nag him to no end, make him eat right, make him use the crutches, try to at least stall what is going on in his body? Or do I just let him do whatever he wants to do as long as he has left in the world and try to laugh and make him as happy as possible? I'm so torn between the pros of both sides of that coin.

Our uncle recently died of throat and neck cancer. Mom (a retired FNP) advised him to NOT have the cancer removed, and to do as many things as he had dreamed of doing as fast as he could do them. He went on a cruise in the Mediterranean (sp?) and saw his grandkids every weekend. He was truly happy and satisfied when he died. Sometimes, I think mom is just beyond smart! And right now, I think I just want my husband to be as happy as he can be. And if that means he doesn't use crutches, or he eats burgers 3 times a day, maybe that's the path I should let him take. I'm just not real good at being a "policeman"....and I certainly don't need him snapping at me just because I'm trying to remind him what's best for him.

It's so incredibly hard when you love someone so much and you see their life ending right before your eyes. Yesterday, I think I grieved this all day long. I'm much better today, just taken aback that his condition has deterioriated so fast since they last saw him which was only 5 weeks ago. It's really hard to see when you live with someone every single day.

I have emailed his kids and asked them to come visit him. I think he would enjoy their company so much. But they are in their early 30s and I remember that time frame so well in my own youth....the last thing I wanted to do was go visit mom & dad! Fortunately...I've grown up just a bit since then! I'm pretty sure his son will call and come visit. Not so sure about his daughter. But I know he would dearly love to see his granddaughters.

And I'm taking steps to get paperwork in order. It's time. So I will be quite busy this next week taking care of things I've been putting off. Nothing like today to start!


Thursday, October 18, 2007

The FNP said

"it's really bad". And that's all she said when she looked at his foot today. She did mark the dark pink and light pink areas of infection with an ink pen and said if that grows past the line, we need to call his doctors immediately.

She also told me how to clense the wound....which is not exactly what his doctors told him to do, but I'm going to follow her insructions for the present.

He is now totally unable to walk. He is confined to the upstairs bedroom. Well, he can make it to the bathroom, but does not come downstairs. Yep, I am definitely getting my workout! Not exactly tye type I had in mind....but I can tell my legs, calves and ankles are definitely getting stronger.

I had my 3rd Thursday art group here today and it was just fantastic. Such a stress relief. Time for me to play. They got a total kick out of the fact that he calls me on my cell phone in my basement studio when he needs something. We took turns running the stairs today so I got some relief!

Ah! Good friends! Sure do help! I just need about 300 more of them! :o)


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

A new day, a new insight

Feeling much better today. Back home, in my own bed with the heating pad on! I often wonder what like was like before heating pads were invented! LOL!

Hubby's foot is not doing well. I had to clean it for him tonight as he can't reach the incision. There is a gout infection there. The stitches have burst open in the shape of a "T". It is filled with puss and the surrounding areas are quite red. He is on antibiotics and has a new pain med which thankfully is giving him some relief. I have a FNP coming over tomorrow to look at the wound and show me how to clean it better.

I'm over the "I want to run away" feelings and on to "I want to be proactive about this" feeling. We had a fairly successful conversation at dinner tonight and if all goes will, I will be going with him to the doctor on Tuesday. That is such a huge step from a guy who said I had absolutely no reason to go with him to his doctor. So I'm pleased.

In addition, my sis called. Her hubby just survived a heart attack and he wants to come down and spend the weekend and talke with my hubby and tell him how important it is for him to make some changes in his life. I don't know why, but I'm totally hopeful that he will listen. Only time will tell.

Mom seems to be adjusting to her new place, I think we got all of her change of addresses done, so a bit of stress lifted there.

And yes, I am/was/will be suffering from caregiver burnout and am going to talk to his physicians abou that. As well as continue to search for a one level residence that we can move to.

So it was a good day for me...I'm doing much better.


Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I feel a huge depression coming on...

I'm off visiting mom. About 100 miles from home. I thought I could "get away" and get some rest....but no. He called. He went to the doctor's and there is a gout infection on top of where they just did the surgery to remove the gout and infection.

I tell is never going to heal.

He can't walk. They did give him a new pain med which does seem to be taking the edge off the pain and then told him to go to bed for 2 days.

He went to the Apple store.

I can't change him. Oh! How I wish I could. I wish he would just take care of him. I did ask if he wanted me to come home, but he told me to stay. Mom just moved into a new place and she hasn't driven in about a year, so I'm here taking her around to get all the mandatory change of addess forms, etc. So he understands that I need to be here to help her for a few days.

But I need to be home to help him.

Yet in some strange way, being here with mom is just a little better. Maybe it's just a change of scenery. At least she and I have had a few laughs.

Am I bad to not want to go home knowing that I have to go? Do you ever just want to run away? Like maybe to New York City and just lose yourself in the crowd of people there?

I'm feeling like I want to run away tonight. I don't want to face his future. Not at all.

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Intolerable pain

I've always thought hubby had a high pain threshold. Well, at least much higher than mine. But today, he wanted to ride in the back seat of the car, laying down, with his leg propped up on the window....that's how much pain he is in. He has never wanted to do that in the past.

I did some research last night on his foot surgery. Come to find can be the worst type of pain...and it can last for more than 3 months. Yes, worse pain that what he was in that made him want the surgery done in the first place.

Oh sigh!

He does not want to drive anywhere, so that makes me the driver. I'm getting a bit tired of running him back and forth to the doctors. And of course, I am doing exactly what I said I would not do since he is bringing all of this on himself by being so non-compliant.

Why do we do the things we swear we won't do? I think it's because it's a comfort zone....nothing is forcing us to move on, to make a different choice, to change who we are. For as much as I love this man....he is slowly, but surely, wearing me out. Maybe I'm just tired today and need a nap! :o)