Tuesday, December 31, 2013

I know....I know....

it's new year's eve and here I am writing another post on this blog.  Yes, I live a boring life!  LOL!!!

First - I need your help.  Does anyone out there have experience  with ESRD?  What are the signs of the final end stages?  I have read about it, I'm just looking for personal experience - not textbook information.

Hubby is still gone - still taking care of his dad. He has been gone 1 year, 3 months and 2 weeks.   This week he got sick.  He has not been able to keep anything down in the last 3 days.  Everything he eats and drinks comes back up.  No, he will not go to a doctor.  I know that it could just be the flu, but he has had so many episodes like this that I wonder if his digestive system is shutting down.  Neuropathy of the stomach?  intestines?

He said this evening that he is feeling a little better.  Well, I think that he hasn't had anything going in for 3 days so he should be at the point where there is nothing left inside to come back up.  He said that his ribs hurt and I reminded him that a couple of years ago, he broke his ribs coughing.  

Second, I'm sharing a comment from a reader:

I've followed your blog for awhile now and I wanted to let you know that you have helped me cope in my own struggle to try to co-exist with a non-compliant diabetic. After 26 years of watching the downward spiral of my loved one I can truly say that I have been able finally to detach and try to recover my own life lest I lose it due to stress and worry. She continues to eat whatever and however she wants, refuses to take her meds properly or at all, won't go to the doctor, won't exercise, etc. I know the worst case course of this disease and she is on it and knows it and refuses to change. I am done and your example has given me the strength and courage to step away and save my own life. Thank you for your sharing and courage. God bless

I have to say that this past week has been an interesting for me.  Probably my usual end-of-year review.  I'm an artist.  And I have always admired Laurel Burch.  However, I had absolutely no idea that she had passed away.  At the end of 2007!!!  And when I did the math....that is about the time that hubby started getting ill, having complications from his diabetes....about the time that I sort of took a hiatus from my art and started caring for him almost full time.  It was quite a shock to realize that the last 6 years of my life have literally been on hold.  I wonder if I should have said I was done before I ever started???

I continue to get back some of the person that I used to be.  I now know that while I feel so sorry for him, he is not here, he is 1000 miles away, and it is not my job to worry about him, or help him out.  I can (and am) a good listener.  He can call me anytime and I will listen and then try to remind him of things he has forgotten.  We do have a history together.  We still talk 2-3 times a day.

My youngest sister and I are planning a vacation together.  We are going overseas and it will be our 3rd trip to this destination.  In the past, I have planned everything about every trip and this time, I turned it all over to her.  I told her that I am just not who I was.  Not yet.  And she said she understands.  Part of it is due to mom's death.  I am coming out of that grief.  But I am also coming out of the grief that this marriage is over.  Yet at the same time I know I am so much better than I was a year ago.  I'm in a much, much better place.  I have found my art again.  I am being creative again.  I am discovering things such as the death of someone that I completely admired.  I am taking care of myself.  my body AND my spirit.

Which brings me to tomorrow.  Someone sent me a great quote.  Tomorrow is the first page of a blank book....write an amazing story!  I feel so refreshed and energized.  I want to write an incredible story in 2014.  I want to have an incredible year.  I pray that my grieving is over.  I know that we all have to go through it.  I know the steps well.  I am looking at midnight as a door.  And while I cannot shut the door to the past completely (not sure I would really want to do that),   I am opening the door to 2014 wide.  I EXPECT it to be a great year!!!  I am praying that God will bless me and make me a blessing to others.  I pray for anyone who is living with a non-compliant diabetic.  That God will bless you and lift you up and give you the strength where I failed.  And my failures have been huge.  

I pray that I can continue to share the knowledge I have of living with a diabetic....even having a long distance non-relationship with one, and that my life might help you a little.  I thought when he told me that he was staying to take care of his dad, that my life with a diabetic had stopped.  But not really!  The stress is less.  My life is much better.  The diabetic spouse is in the background now.  Backgrounds by nature of the term are always there - they never completely totally go away!

May each of you have a wonderful 2014!


Wednesday, December 11, 2013

another month

I truly cannot believe how fast time goes any more.  I keep busy with my family here.  Hubby calls 2 - 3 times every day.  His dad seems to be doing well.  I am enjoying the peace and quiet.  Gaining strength every day.  Have finally started a little bit of exercise which I know that I need.

With all the changes in health care plans, I decided to go from high option to standard option.  It means my deductibles and co-pays will be higher, but the monthly premiums will be lower.  I simply do not have the income to pay for the "best" insurance any more.  And I carry hubby on my insurance so it will be interesting to see what the changes will do to him.  I hope that his insulin will still be covered.  Only time will tell.

In all honesty, I do not think about his diabetes very much at all.  It's not the daily/hourly issue that it is when you are living with a diabetic.  I don't worry about the little things or the big things any more.  I just do my best to make it through one day at a time.  And for the moment, I'm OK.  :o)


Tuesday, November 12, 2013


I was invited to travel to teach an art class not too far from hubby, so I came to see him.  His dad went into the hospital 2 nights ago for emergency surgery.  The pain meds caused delusions.  Last night, he saw a dog sitting on his lap.  Sort of funny.

Asked hubby how he was doing health wise.  He said he was fine.  But I couldn't help notice the odd shaped depends in his bathroom.  I'm sure they are made for men to catch urine at night.

Also saw that he has not dusted since I cleaned when I was here in January.  Dust so thick you can write in it.  Bathroom mirror covered with toothpaste spits.  Bathtub covered in dust.

Is he doing this just to see how long I will let it go before I clean?  Has he turned into his mom and simply not ever going to clean again?  I think it is so sad.  However, it is not my life and I am not his maid.  I'm not touching a thing.

He is being terribly sweet.  I am keeping my mouth shut.  It really is sad.  I no longer know this man. But then, we have been separated for 14 months, so why would I know him?

He looks puffy to me.  His clothes are skin tight.  I'm not planning to stay long.  It's so difficult keeping my mouth shut.  It breaks my heart to see him like this.  But I cannot fix him.  I cannot change him.  And I'm not going to be his maid.

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Untimely death

A good friend of mine, age 49, passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago.  Her husband died of a heart attack 2 years ago. Her son asked me to help with her estate.  She had owned her own business.  I'm not sure I can describe the house I walked into.  She did not have a will.  She had not sorted, organized, catalogued, labeled....anything!  It took 5 people working 10-12 hours per day for 5 days to even make a dent in her home.

It got me to thinking.  I downsized last year from 3700 SF to 1100 SF, but I sure need to downsize again!  Why is it we like so much stuff?  Why is it hard to part with what we have?

This week, I'm taking a few days to clean and sort, organize and perhaps get rid of stuff.  I know we all have things we never use.  Time to let go of them.

On the other hand, the moment I let go of something....I will want it or need it.  :o)

Then just as a humorous side....is this like holding onto a diabetic spouse?

Sorry, I couldn't resist!  LOLOL!!!

DW - finding humor in her everyday life

Thursday, September 26, 2013

New labs

A1c is 9.1
Triglycerides are 1441
Kidney function is 36.1

Most of the other labs are all bad.

Protien in urine is off the charts at 525

He says he is not having any chest pains.

They started him on a new med this week for his sciatica.  It's a drug designed to control seizures, but they think it will help pain.  I have a son who has had seizures all his life.  All of those meds dull the senses,  increase reaction times, cause memory loss.  This one also increases depression and suicidal thoughts.  This is not what he needs!

But you can also tell just by watching him walk he has to be in severe pain.  His back is even more curved than before his surgery.

I have been wondering if the thing keeping him alive is caring for his dad.  If he were to come back here, would he live long.  I think it's good that he moved away to care for his dad and I think it's good he's going back.  We have come to an understanding and the past few days have been ok.  I do not envy him any of his medical conditions, but these new labs just are not painting a good picture.

Thursday, September 19, 2013

I'm in hell and don't know which way out!

Yes, it really is that bad.  I flew to meet him last Saturday and on the drive from the airport to the hotel, he started in arguing with me.  Manipulating me.  He wanted me to sit in the hotel room and babysit the dogs while he, his dad and brother went to a football game.  I had already told him I was not going to do that.  But he managed to get his dad and brother in on the act and I stayed.  I was so pissed off.  Still am.  But it has been like that almost non-stop since Saturday about one thing or another.

He has played the "I forgot" card, the "that's not what I heard" card, the "I'm sorry, I didn't hear that" card....you name it, he's played it.  This morning was a major blow out.  We drove home yesterday. He ate at 6:30 am and 11:30 am, then refused to eat after that.  Of course he crashed!  The apologized this morning.

Absolutely nothing has changed.  I was so pleased with all the changes I've made in the house and he merely felt threatened by them.  He wants everything back the way it is, but he's going back to his dad's, not staying here.

I'm exhausted already and can't wait for him to leave, but he's here for a whole week.  Sad, huh?


Wednesday, September 04, 2013

Upcoming visits

I used to own and antique business in another state and when I moved here, I moved a gorgeous antique glass showcase.  It's about 6' tall and 3 1/2' square with all glass sides and glass shelves.  Then we moved it to my mother-in-laws so she could store her dolls in it.

Now, my sisters and I have signed up for a space in an antique mall and I need it back here!  So I'm flying out in a week to help hubby load it into the truck and bring it home.  I need to be there to make sure it gets packed well so it doesn't break....and to help him make the drive home.

He'll be here about 10 days.  He said there is more of his stuff that he wants to pack and take back.  In all honesty, there isn't too much of his left here!  But he's been gone a year, and I'm sure if I were in his shoes, I'd want all my stuff with me and not here.

I think it will be interesting to see how we get along while we are together.  His doctor finally decided to stop his prescriptions, so he has an office visit scheduled for when he is here and he will get all of his labs done.  It will be interesting to see if the labs have changed much in the past year.  He is living at a lower altitude, so I would think they might be better.  He hasn't been here since April and then he said he definitely noticed the altitude.  Will be interesting to see if it's worse for him on this trip.

A year ago, neither of our moms had died yet and I promise that none of us had a clue our lives were going to change so drastically.  Life sure is interesting!


Monday, August 19, 2013

Time flies.....worse than ever!!!

My monthly update.  We had a flood here and it washed out all my lovely flower gardens!  Needless to say, I have been busy recreating them!!!  Life is still great.  Hubby is coming home for a week the end of next month.  Nothing has changed - I can tell.  I asked if he had made appointments with his doctors.  He has not see a doctor, nor had any lab work done since June 2012.  You know it's going to be bad news.  And no, he hasn't made any appointments.  We are with a huge HMO and he absolutely has to make the appointments this week, or he won't get in.  Is it my problem?  Nope.  But it just irks me to no end that he doesn't care enough to even get labwork done.  NOTHING HAS CHANGED!!!

Well...nothing has changed with him.  I think everything has changed or is changing with me!  I had the funniest experience that I want to share.  I used to work in this town 35 years ago and I had lunch with some of the gals I used to work with.  Over time, my name has gotten shorter.  Example:  Margaret, Margie, Marge.  (not my name, but you get the point!)  This gal knew me with my earlies name and a different surname and had read about me in an art newsletter with my shortened name and current surname and had no idea that I was the same person!!!  So I've decided to go back to using the name that I used when I lived here before.

Then I went to a garage sale one day and I just knew that I knew the woman hosting it.  But I couldn't make the connection.  3 weeks later I was going through old photos and realized she had been my son's babysitter 30 years ago.  I took the photos and knocked on her door and we just had a great reunion!!!

I have the time - and the energy - to renew old friendships.  That's been wonderful!!!

There have been some comments in the last month and I'd like to share them.  Day by Day wrote this:

I feel like I've found my family~ I try to convince my husband's family that he's Really bad off and not taking care of himself, and some of their responses hurt almost as much as this daily hell of watching him die!This group has given me quite a feeling of peace today- thank you SO much. My husband of 13 yrs. is non-compliant type 2 diabetic. At this stage he's sleeping more hours of the day than awake, his feet are so bad he can barely walk. He's given up and won't accept any help now. I've left him twice already, once to shock him out of it, once to save my sanity. Now I can only share some part of myself with people who know exactly what I'm talking about. I am encouraged by the post's that emphasize to take care of ourselves and make whatever future plans we need to, it really gives me some hope that I'll get through this somewhat intact.?? I hope - need this so much right now.

I really thought I was the only one going through this torture of watching someone you love...slowly go away. And I've left him twice- once to 'shock' him out of it, the second time to save my sanity. I'm back again and watching him die because he gave up. I would like to write more details, if it would help anyone else. I wanted to respond to 'waiting to live's comments, I relate so much to her thoughts. I feel like I can take a bigger breath now at least, knowing I'm in a bigger group that I never knew existed.

Well, you are definitely NOT alone!!!  While I've had a year off, I still go through the emotions every day.  I doubt it ever ends, even after the spouse dies.  I know that my hubby is lying in bed all day long at his dad's, watching TV.  I know he is not eating right at all.  But he's there and I'm here and I'm doing so much better at taking care of me.  And because of that, I'm feeling better than I have in the last 4 years!!!


Deb wrote:

've read your blog for quite a while now. I live with a diabetic partner too, so that's how I started reading it. Just wanted to say that I am very happy that you have found peace and a life for yourself!

Thanks Deb!!!

Jane wrote:

So glad to hear your update. Have thought of you often. You do not know me---but I am behind you on many levels for many reasons.

Well, Jane, I do not know you, but I'm sure our lives are on similar paths if you read this blog.  And because of that, I may know you better than those who know you!  LOL!!!  I guess what I'm saying is that wives of non-compliant diabetics are all sisters on some level.  And these blogs do help.  

Here's to all of us - may we have a great month!


Friday, July 19, 2013

Another month gone by

I will try to post once a month just so I can remember what's going on.  Hubby is still living at his dads. He has now been gone 10 months.  I'm adapting nicely to being "single".  He still calls 2-3 times every day, but says he is not coming back here.  Week before last, he had to put our 13 yr old chihuahua to sleep.  That was very sad.  But it is so much better than having the pup suffer in pain.

I bought a new dining table and chairs.  I have always hated the one we had.  He bought it when he was still married to his ex.  I have not told him.  I put the old one in the garage.  I'm still busy in the garden and see absolutely no end in sight to that!  Taking up way too much of my time, but I love it.  Life seems to be flying by.  I rarely even think about diabetes.  I have much less stress, much less worrying.

He calls and says he is depressed, sad, tired.  I wonder why he calls to tell me things like that.  Does he want me to cheer him up?  It is not my job.  Does he want me to feel sorry for him?  It is not my job.  Does he think I can fix things for him?  It is not my job.  But I do wonder why he keeps calling so much.  Am I a "connection" to something he wants to hold on to?  Does he honestly think we can live apart for a year and then pick up where we left off should his father die?  What if his dad lives another 10 years?  No - I would not allow this to go on that long, but how long?

Family and friends are starting to ask me why we are still married.  I tell them I will not ask that question until it has been a year, then I will start asking.  But the questions are starting.  Do I want him to come home?  Could I live with him again?  Could we make a "home" together after so much time apart?  Am I refusing to move forward because this is "easy"? and the unknown future is frightening?  Am I just too comfortable with the current arrangement?  All questions I will face sometime, but not at this time.

For now, I'm continuing my own personal grief over mom's death. I'm growing as a person.  I'm healing after 4 intense years of caring for a diabetic roller coaster ride from near death to life.  And I think as long as I'm healing, I'm in a good place.


Monday, June 17, 2013

Living a full life

at the moment.....


Who knew that I would love gardening?  It has come as a complete surprise to me!  Up and outside most morning by 6 am and working until 10 or when it gets hot.  I've built a 4x12 deck, framed in a porch over it in front of a shed that I'm converting to a play house....for me!  LOL!!!

Put in a timed sprinkler system.  Put in a terraced stone wall flower garden, 3 layers deep.  Learning that I can do just about anything I want to do.  Took an old youth bed, cut the sideboards and turned it into a bench for the new deck.  Dug up a pond, moved it, making flower beds and paths everywhere I can.  And to my amazement, things are surviving and growing.  :o)

Spending parts of most days with one of my sisters, crafting, visiting old friends, doing things I want.  It is nice.

Hubby still calls 2-3 times a day.  He has settled into a routine of taking care of his dad, shopping for groceries and other things, taking his dad to the doctor, taking the dogs to the vet.  He seems resolved to stay put and I'm still enjoying the absence of diabetes in my daily life.  He did have another optical migraine over the weekend.  That day he called me numerous times.  I know he gets scared when he can't see.  But he took his meds, took a long nap and it did eventually go away.  Other than that, things seem to be just fine.

As I meet new friends here, or hook up with old friends, and tell them our history, it makes me wonder how I've gotten through the past few years.  And then I remember - one day at a time.  I think it's sort of like gardening.  You just do a little bit every day, a couple of hours ever morning, and in 6 weeks you realize what great progress you've made!  So for those dealing with a non-compliant diabetic spouse, just take it one day at a time.  :o)

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Just how noncompliant can you get?

It has now been a year since hubby has seen any kind of a doctor or had any labs done.

How long will they allow him to refill his prescriptions?

He is self medicating.  His humulin ru500 is now 50 units in the morning and another 50 units at night.  Remember, it is 5 x the normal insulin dosage.

How much is too much?

He has been gone 9 1/2 months.

I fill my days with gardening, crafts and family.

My nights are awfully lonely.

My denial of what I know he is doing to himself grows daily.

Denial is what keeps me surviving.

Tuesday, May 07, 2013

Time heals all

Hubby is much better.  His dad is getting better.  Still in the hospital, but making baby steps every day.  He's been in for 4 1/2 weeks now with no sign of getting discharged.

Monday, April 29, 2013

He is scared

Hubby called.  He is scared.  He has had almost non-stop diarrhea for the last week.  He can't eat a thing.  I told him to go to a doctor.  He said he won't go.  He's a thousand miles away.  His dad is still in ICU, battling kidney failure right now.  His brother went home.

2009 Heart attack
2010 Bypass surgery
2011 Spinal fusion surgery
2012 Let go from work/moved/mother died

only 4 years since his heart attack.  only 3 years since his bypass surgery.  he should be good for at least 2 more years.

2 years since the spinal fusion surgery.  I honestly think that they re-routed his intestines as he has simply not had a correct digestive system since then.

Or is it the long-term diabetes simply catching up with his intestines?

Is he at "uncontrolled diarrhea" listed here?

Does he have diabetic neuropathy?

He is either going to get sick enough that he will want to see a doctor, or continue to suffer until he winds up in ER.  I feel so bad for him.  But I really can't help him.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

He's back!!

I must really be a terrible person.  I am so not enjoying his company.  He is passing the worst gas ever.  We were in the car for an hour today and I thought I was goimg to vomit.  That's how rank it was.  I know he can't help it, but I can't stand that rank sweet smell that tells me his sugar is out of kilter.  Have you ever smelled what I'm talking about?

He has the volume on the TV so loud the floor vibrates.  Has he gotten that deaf?

H started out driving today and in 5 minutes he had to pull over.  He took a prescription pain pill last night and it made him start to get ill.  I was happy to drive, but I wonder why he even wanted to head out.

He bangs every single door whether it is the kitchen cabinets, the bedroom door or the front door.  I don't know why or when that started.  I think I am just over sensitive to everything right now.  But sad as it sounds, I am not enjoying his company.  Nothing has changed.  It's like I stepped back in time to 7 months ago.  All I can say is that I was blessed to have such a long break.  I am really, truly sorry that I feel this way.  I don't think he has a clue.  He is just like a bull in a china store...plodding his way through life completely obvious to how fragile things around him are!!!

Monday, April 08, 2013

has it been a month?

since I last posted???  WOW!  How time flies.  Hubby is still living a thousand miles away helping out with his dad.  Dad had a colonoscopy last Friday and is in surgery at this moment having 1/3 of his colon removed.  It's cancer.  Age 81.  They will send samples to the lab to see if it has spread to his liver and we will know in a couple of weeks.

Hubby seems to be holding up well.  His brother is there right now.  If all goes well, he will be here the end of the week for 10 days, then back to his dad's so his brother can go home.  I have packed up more of his stuff that he wants to take back with him.  Looks like this separation is for the long haul.

He was supposed to line up doctor's appointments and that didn't happen.  It has been a year since he last saw any of his doctors.  He continues to tell me that he will not go back.  I cannot worry about that.  What I do know is that his A1c is down because he has increased his Humulin Ru500 (5x concentrated) to 40 U am and 40U pm.  I know that is way, way, way high.  I cannot worry about that.

When we video skype, he looks different.  It will be good to see him in person.  I have not seen him since 1/22.  I can tell a lot just by looking at him.

I am keeping busy with gardening.  I'm also in the process of encapsulating the crawl space on my own.  That is a huge undertaking - hauling out chunks of concrete and other items one bucket at a time. I figure someone will find me dead under the house one of these days!  LOL!!!  My son has been coming here on the weekends and helping me dig up sod to put in new flower beds.  Time is flying.  Literally.  It has now been 7 months since hubby moved in with his dad.

I'm doing just fine.  :o)


Sunday, March 03, 2013

FIL is out of the hospital

Sometimes things are too funny to believe.  Hubby's dad woke up early Sat am and somehow had his partial plate tangled around his tongue.  The nurses couldn't get it out!  I think it scared them so they decided to discharge him.  Then he got his contact lens stuck in an eye and they had to suction it out.  

There are reasons why one should wear eye glasses and take their teeth out at night when you reach a certain age!  :o)

And a family of at least 7 skunks has come to life under the house, so the exterminators have been called and 4 have been trapped and relocated.  The remaining 3 (at least that many) had a squabble last night and I guess the smell is horrible.  I am glad I'm not there!

Can I tell you how much I am enjoying the reprieve from medical stuff?  From diabetes?  From highs and lows???  OK - also from channel surfing, grocery shopping, cleaning......from the roller coaster?

Some days I just sit here in my solitude.  Other days I am beyond hectic.  My youngest sister popped in for a visit today while I was out back cleaning out the shed and working in the garage.  Tomorrow another sister is coming to cut my hair.  Next weekend I will spend with a friend a hundred miles away while we get creative with our art.  I'm starting dance lessons with my youngest sister this week.  She's been going for  a few weeks and I decided to join.  

So....I sing on Mondays, dance on Tuesdays, do Bible study on Wednesdays, teach art on Thursdays....and try to keep my weekends free!!!  I know that things always change and this may not last, but I am truly enjoying life at the moment!  And I think it's finding it's own balance!

Hope the same goes for each of you!


Friday, February 22, 2013

Even Steven

Where did that phrase come from?  LOL!!!  I think it's how to describe my life right now.  Good days and bad days...even numbers so things are in balance.

Hubby's dad is in the hospital and while I don't think it's too serious, he will be in at least 5 days and hubby is stressed to the max.  I'm noticing it.  Hubby doesn't remember that he told me something or that I told him something.  He is getting facts confused and his dates are out of whack.  He's done this in the past when he has high stress.  I have to handle the situation carefully.  "Yes, I know.  Don't you remember I told you your daughter called and told me that?"  And then he will say that he remembers. Or he will argue for an hour that I never told him his daughter called.  Some of it is comical.  Most of it just annoys me....like he should get a notebook and write it down.  LOL!!

I am continuing my cleaning spree!!  And that is keeping me busy!!   After I took down the cabinets in the garage I came across boxes of hubby's stuff he never unpacked.  So I decided to gut his bedroom.  Took down all the board type shelves and put in 2 huge glass front bookcases.  All his books, nick knacks and such are now behind closed doors....way less dust.  I bought him a new desk.  Will be his surprise when he comes home.  Of course the hutch was 2" too short for his monitor.  My incredible brother-in-law built a riser and it looks like its part of the hutch.  All the computer components fit nicely inside the desk and no more huge clumps of cables to stare at!  All the boxes are unpacked and everything has been put away.

So next week I will get back to working on the garage.  I'm also teaching art again.  2 classes this month.  And taking some classes.  It's all good!

Balance.  Even Steven.  Things are working out.  Evolving.  Just thought I'd let you know!


Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Sometimes I do wonder

How much a person can go through.  To Tom's wife, I truly understand.

I used to think in terms of "years".

2/2009 hubby had a heart attack in Mexico
3/2010 hubby had a triple bypass
2/2011 hubby had spinal fusion surgery and nearly died

Then things started speeding up...

3/2012 hubby was laid off
5/2012 we downsized by 2000 sf and moved 125 miles away, giving up our friends and lifestyle
7/2012 mom got really ill, started on hospice, required 24/7 care

Then weekly

9/14/2012 hubby's mom died
9/21/2012 my mom died
9/22/2012 I find out about hubby's credit card debt
9/30/2012 hubby approved for disability, files for bankruptcy

12/12/2012 we file for legal separation

A month cleaning out 2 houses
My 14 year old chihuahua has a heart attack and we are told he has 6 months to live

There have been so many many moments when I have not been able to breathe.  Panic.  Fear.  Grief.  Loneliness.  Sometimes it is just too overwhelming. Sometimes I simply can't think.  Some days I pretend its not me just so I can get thru the day.

Hubby continues to do well.  Thank goodness!  We continue to get along just fine.  Maybe we are meant to have a long distance relationship.  He has his moments when he wants to get in the truck and just drive home.  But he can't leave his dad.  I have moments when I want to hop on a plane, but I have responsibilities here.

Today was not a good day for me.  I ripped out all the old junk cabinets that were in the garage when we bought this house.  Symbolic?  Cleaning out the crap in my life?  Who knew that I could take out cabinets???  Last week I completely rearranged all the furniture inside the house.  Excess energy?  Working through all my grief?  Maybe I should just take up running!  LOL!!

Life does go on.  One step at a time.  One day at a time.  I am slowly getting back into a pattern, a routine.  A new pattern.  Not the same as it was before, but scheduling trips to the big city, dentist and doctors visits, taking a few classes....getting back into life.

There are still moments when I miss mom so much I have a good cry.  Still times when it hurts to breathe.  Still days when I don't get out of bed.  But they are fewer and far between.  Slowly, life is getting back to life.

How much more can I take?  I'd rather not even think about it!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Life is too funny - in retrospect!!

I didn't leave!  Well, I tried.  Got 10 miles east and my car died.  Literally.  Guess it should...it's 11 years old.  No one here wants to fix it.  The dealership wants $4000 to fix it and I can't see putting that much into a car that old.

So we bought a new car today.  A small compact that gets excellent gas mileage.  I'm delighted.  I will stay til Sunday as hubby's birthday is Saturday.  Had to cancel all my plans at home.  Hopefully my brother-in-law can help hubby fix my old car when he comes to visit...he's a pretty good mechanic.

Needless to say, I just went right back to cleaning.  It's a never ending thing with this place.  Tackled a very old chandelier with at least 50 glass prisms and it came out gorgeous!!

FIL continues to make progress.  He's more alert, participating more and more in conversations.  Went to the dealership with us today.  Doing much better at taking his medications on time.  Hubby seems to be doing better as well.  He is laughing and teasing more.  I've seen more of the old hubby in the last month than I have in the last 4 years.  Maybe this is a good place for him to be.

So even though I've had a setback in getting home, it's been a good week.


Sunday, January 13, 2013

My last day here

Tomorrow is my last day and then I'm heading home.  Very mixed emotions for both of us.  We know he has to stay.  We're pissed off that his brother isn't willing to help out.  I'm peaceful about being separated.  Exhausted at all the cleaning, sorting I've done.  Pleased that the guys will be living in a clean place.

Tomorrow will be bittersweet.  Hubby has been doing very well for the most part with is diabetes.  He has to remind his dad twice a day to take his shot and he takes his first so he can tell his dad he already took his.  Maybe he needs someone to take care of?   Maybe having someone else with diabetes helps him?

Overall, it's been a good month and we have gotten along better than we have in the past 4 years.  Isn't that an eye opener?  I will fly back in a couple of months and hold a huge estate sale.  I have a 2 1/2 car garage full to the brim with stuff.  And I've found a few treasures to take home....mostly genealogy files and photographs to scan in.

I am looking forward to getting some good rest.  To having some alone time.  To seeing my sisters.  I have not had a moment to work on any of my art projects that I brought with me, so I'm looking forward to that as well.

Been a pretty good month.


Monday, January 07, 2013

Losing vision with lows

We were going into a small cafe at lunch today and hubby was having a low.  He couldn't see.  Scared me to death!!

Walked right up to the counter and told the first gal I saw that he was having a low, did they have OJ.   She brought him a tall glass so fast.....  And he was just fine.  But she was more upset than anyone.  Came over several times to check on him and said she knew she could find a candy bar if he needed one.  I just thought that was so cute!

Came home and he slept most of the afternoon.  Seemed to be just fine this evening.  I reminded him that hie as to take care of his himself so he can take care of his dad.  He promised to put glucose tabs in the truck.

I'm making great progress here and have a week left to go which will be so hard as there is still so much to do.  Happy with what is getting done!