Friday, August 01, 2008

more problems

Well, he has been vomiting and having diarrhea and sulfur burps since Sunday. Took him to the doctor today. No, he did not want me to go in with him (soooo frustrating). His Creatinine is at 3.3, Potassium up to 4. His sugar was at 65 when he got there. The doc told him to go eat something while the labs were being processed, when we got back, sugar was at 126. And there are white blood cells in his urine. So an infection somewhere?

His GFR is at 21 today, Stage 4.

and he is still in DENIAL!!!

Telling me this is a virus.


They started him on even more meds and an antibiotic. If he vomits again, he is supposed to go to ER.

I think I need to throw up just thinking about all this.


Thursday, July 31, 2008

Pam said......

Thank you so much for what you do and write. My dad did nothing for his diabetes until it was too late. I had to deal with him as a child/adult and now I deal with my husband who has had type 2 for 4 years. My Dad recently past away, and now I face what you do in my own husband even more. Reading your blog has helped me to see that I am not the only one who had trouble dealing/ being a caregiver. It has even made me smile! Keep it up!

Well Pam, I write for my sanity. It is my release. My escape. My journal of this journey. My report to his kids when he is dead and they want to know why I didn't do more to help him live. It's a record of our lives from the perspective of living with this disease.

You are not alone. Oh me, I used to feel so completely alone until I started this blog. About 3 years ago, I truly thought it was all me. Now I know it's not. And I know there are many other spouses of non-compliant diabetics out there. There is strength in numbers. That's for sure.

Today was a fairly good day. I think he is done with this latest bout of diahrrea, but I swear, his poor feet look worse than ever. I don't know how he can stand on them. But he manages. He devoured another whole bag of tootsie rolls yesterday and today I saw him with a bag of potato chips. I really wonder how long he can continue this eating pattern. He definitely put on more weight while I was gone. Once again, it's his life and I know I can't change him. But watching him do this to himself is so hard.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Nothing to do with diabetes (I think) but GRRRrrrrr......

I've been gone for 10 days and you'd think I'd left a 10 year old home alone! EVERYTHING is a mess! And he didn't do any of the things he said he would do. ATV is still sitting on the trailer in the drive and our HOA has a 3 day limit. Well, so much for that rule! LOL! Kitchen counters are a complete filthy mess. I smell dog pee in his room. Thank goodness that's the only place I smell it and I just closed the door today. I need to finish moving the rest of my stuff to the other bedroom so there's no reason for me to enter his stinky domain!

It's so sad that all I can do is laugh. I've been up for 3 hours cleaning the main level, laundry is going, trash is out. He said that 2 days ago he was sick with vomiting and diahrrea. So I asked him what he ate. He said he scrambled some eggs. I looked at the expiration date on them - July 18. I can't believe that he can't even read the date and then it hit me - I wonder if he can SEE the date to read it???? I guess next time I leave I will toss out anything that will expire while I am gone. How sad is that?

And of course, he dumped a soda (not empty) into the trash in the office and when I dumped that into the big bag to go out, the soda went all over the floor and I had to mop it up. I swear, I spin my wheels just cleaning up after the man.

No wonder I enjoy my travels so much. I'm a guest instructor and get treated like a "queen" - I don't have to even think about him, no one to run errands for or clean up after - it's actually pretty nice. But then again, that's what caregiver respite is all about. Getting away, getting a break, resting, enjoying a moment of life.

I've agreed to do this all again, for 2 weeks, so it won't be long and I'll be on the road again. In the meantime, I don't have the time to worry about him or deal with him as I have to be making up class samples and then making class kits for the next round of classes.

And I even came home with surplus spending money (I made more than I spent!) So it was a good break and I suppose I will just put a smile on my face and continue on with life.

But no wonder so many spouses and partners of diabetics just walk out on them. No wonder his first wife left while he was gone. I truly do understand and would never fault anyone for leaving. For now, I will continue to stay, just increase the frequency of my trips away. I think it will work. I just need to get past the frustration of the mess I face when I come home.

And then I have to ask myself - can he even see the mess? Does he know what a trail he leaves behind? Can he smell the puppy pee? I don't really want to know the answer, for now, I'll just ponder the quesiton. But if diabetes kills the nerve endings in the fingers and toes, I'll bet money it kills the nerve endings in the nose just as much.

Well no wonder he can't hear me half the time - the nerve endings in his ears are gone!!! LOLOL!

OK, ya gotta laugh - else you will cry.


Sunday, July 27, 2008

My R&R

Well, just one more day and then I head back home. This trip has been just exceptionally wonderful. I've taught 150 students in 23 classes in the past 8 days. I've made wonderful new lifetime friends, stayed with new art pals, and just been over in the left side of my brain for the last 8 days. Tomorrow = lunch with musical pals. What fun!!!

Hubby has called 2-3 times every day and I know he knows I'm having just a little too much fun! LOL!

Last night was strange and I wanted to write about it. I didn't have a late night class and my friend I'm staying with offered to cook dinner. I think I got back to the house around 8 pm and her husband was already 2 sheets to the wind from drinking beer, so we decided to join in and poured some red wine. I had 2 glasses - which happens to be 1 glass over my limit! The 3 of us were sitting at the dining table, eating and laughing and her husband was just so much fun. He was trying to convince me that I should move here and just drink and party all the time. Now, I know that's not a possible lifestyle, but for the first time in a very long time, I wanted to party. I wanted to go dancing, to sing, to laugh and giggle, to tell wild stories, to flirt.....

whoa! Back up! I wanted to "flirt"???? What a long lost feeling! And it hit me - I have been so busy worrying about my husband's diabetes, what is happening to him, what might happen next - that I have completely let go of that fun girl I used to be. But the question is - how do you find her again? How do you get her back? How do I laugh more and smile more when I get back home and get back into my daily routine of caring for him?

Well, the store has invited me to come back out in just another 4 weeks and I said YES!!! So I have just a few days to create new class samples and get my act together. I don't think there's going to be a moment to worry about him when I get home. Maybe this is a good thing!