Today, I'm scared

We all have our moments. They come and they go. Today - I'm scared.

He is depressed. I know this is common for post open heart surgery. I know he needs counseling. He won't go. I can't help him.

He said all he wants to do for the next 5 days is sleep.

Part of this has to be because he is back eating all the crap he wants. Not exercising. Loading up on sweets.

With increased medical bills due to the surgery, back, all the specialists, office visits and prescriptions.....we have had to cut way back in other areas and this is contributing to his depression.

He is gaining weight and quite puffy looking. His eyes look especially swollen to me. I am noticing that sweet uric smell in our bedroom once again. He says he doesn't smell it, but I sure do. There was a TV series out here while back with a grim reeper.....and I feel like this smell is his grim reeper. It's almost a warning that kidney failure is around the corner once again.

It is so sad to see him in such a state. But I know I can't do anything except be here for him. I am doing my best to keep busy and active, fill my day with projects and outings. But in the background - he is overshadowing everything.

He went to bed at 1 pm, it's now 3 pm. He was supposed to be off work today, but got called into major meetings starting at 6 am this morning.

I'm scared that the infection in the venous ulcer in his ankle is spreading.

I'm scared that he is reverting back to kidney failure.

I'm scared that something else is going on with his heart and he is not getting sufficient oxygen to the brain. (He's acting much like he did before he had bypass surgery).

I'm just scared.

And I realize that it's ok to be scared. As long as I don't allow the fear to consume me. As long as I don't allow the emotions to overcome me to the point that I can't function. Or to stop living my own life.

Too hot to do yardwork, so I'm going to read a good book this afternoon. Have already had a visit from an art pal today and went to a warehouse sale.

But in between all that....I just wanted to note that I'm scared. And that I don't think he's doing well at all.

DW

venous ulcer

As expected, it'snot healing. So his physician referred him to the wound care center last Wednesday. When he went to make the appointment, they told him they couldn't get him in until 9/14.

So for the next 2 weeks, we simply wait and hope that the infection doesn't spread. It is just amazing to me that our healthcare system is so completely stupid!

His back pain has increased. Probably because he is favoring his leg.

The neurosurgeon is referring him to an orthopedic surgeon who is supposed to schedule a consult appt by the end of this week.

We talked a little bit today about back surgery. 50% chance it won't help at all. Chance he might be paralyzed. I told him all we can do is see what the new surgeon has to say.

He is sleeping more and more. Always tired. I think the pain is wearing him out.

My sister surprised us with an overnight visit last night. Always fun!

He is taking 5 days off over Labor Day weekend and just wants to stay home.

The blessing in all this is that he can still work.

DW