Saturday, August 25, 2012

Lab results

First, thank you Lilly!  My surgery has been scheduled for 9/5.  We'll know more once the lab has finished with the mass once it's removed.

Hubby had new labs done (finally) this week.

His A1c is 6.4.  Amazing since the last one on 3/27/12 was 12.1.

Cholesterol is 173
Tryglicerides are 331....down from 1451
HDL is 28 (low)
Cholesterol non-HDL is 145
LDL is 79

His labs are looking so much better since we moved.  But I honestly think it's the reduction in stress since being laid off.  He really was in a mega stressful work situation. You'd think he'd be so estatic about these changes, but he's not.

I sure am!!!  Now to get him to move.  I'll see if he will go walk with me in the morning.  Lovely paths along the river here.  Only about 2 miles from the house.  We can drive down, park and walk.  He is not a morning person and by the time he wakes, it's usually too hot to walk.

Only time will tell.


Thursday, August 23, 2012

Annie wrote:

I have reached a point in my 6 year relationship with someone who has type 1 and I can't stand it anymore. Most of the time when he gets verbally abusive he says its because he is high or in some cases low. Is it just an excuse or is this ligit? I would hope that he is not using this as an excuse but I cant stand his usual statement anymore : " you know how I get when my blood sugar is high. How come you are being so sensitive."? This is all hard to explain in one blurb but I have been so patient, and even if I need to be more understanding to his Highs and lows I cant say it doesn't hurt and weigh on my emotions.

She posted this to an old blog and it will be buried so I will copy it here.  Annie, 6 years is an amazingly long time to put yourself in a verbally abusive relationship.

Is it legit or is it an excuse?  Hard to say.  Probably a little bit of both.  If he is going really low, he probably doesn't remember what he says to you.  If he is going high, he will most likely be jittery, edgy, ancy, angry....sort of both the same type of reaction when high and low....just different ends of the spectrum.

And while he may really not remember the words he says to you, he still said them and you remember them and that hurt never truly goes away no matter how much you love him.

I have come to the point where I think it is what he truly thinks of me, but that those feelings are masked when his glucose is level because he is so afraid to be left alone.  When he gets pissed, he threatens to leave.  When he is normal, he is so scared to be alone.  It's what we all call the "roller coaster ride".  You just never can tell from one moment to the next what mood he will be in.  And it's such a hard way to function on a day-to-day basis.

Trust me, I have many moments when I cannot stand it any more.  That is when I go do something.  Go to a movie alone, go walk around the mall, just go to the park and sit and watch people.  I get out and away for at least an hour and almost always by the time I return, he is back to normal.  It's a chance for me to clear my head, keep my wits about myself and try to get a handle on the fact that he most likely is not directing his abusive comments to me, simply flinging them in my direction.

And the hurt.  Well - it is there.  I think I've learned to live with it and forgive him, but I have my moments when I don't have to and I can be mad and angry at him for a pretty long time.  But it still hurts.  It never goes away. 

On the other hand, when he is "normal", life with him is wonderful and fun, and everything is great.  I often say that I wish I could be with "that hubby" all the time - life would be grande!  But it simply does not happen that way with a diabetic.

Good luck to you as you continue your journey


Wednesday, August 22, 2012

And yet, again.....

he walked outside this morning with no shirt on, wearing only the skimpiest of boxer type shorts - at least these were navy and could pass for swimming trunks - about 4 sizes too small.  Grossly obese stomach hanging over them so much.....I thought to myself - how can I love someone who looks like this?

And my sister was here, helping me in the garden.

I just wanted to die.

I didn't say a word to him, but I ranted to her for 3 hours!  LOL!  She is a great sounding board!  We drove around trying to find a house that she can buy.  She's in so much limbo - living in a tiny duplex here, her hubby 3 hours away working, helping care for mom - and today was a day "off" - although we spent 3 hours of it with mom.

Came home and hubby is out in the pergola with the incense going.  Now, you have to understand that I am highly allergic to incense - I tend to get sick to my stomach if it is too strong and I have asked him not to burn it.  I guess I did not clarify that meant "anywhere at all".  I asked him to put it out and he got mad.  I mean he got livid.  I'm not sure what he wants - me puking all over the place.  It's one of those things that I can smell a mile away.  And I was out working in the yard when he decided to come out and light up.

What is is about incense?  It really is the most horrible smell and he was trying to use it in the house to cover up dog pee.  So he has slammed his door shut and I'm sure he's burning it in his room.  I believe that he has no sense of smell anymore and certainly does not comprehend that when he opens the door, it fills this entire place - such a tiny little house.

I know that he is depressed.  Beyond belief depressed.  And every little tiny thing sets him into a rage.  I have not been available to give him any attention for the last 4 weeks and I can tell he is on the edge of a volcanic eruption at any moment.  It is tough living like this, that's for sure.

But what can you do?  He won't go see a doctor.  He denies he is depressed.  He is like a 3 year old who wants to do what they want when they want.  Throwing "temper tantrums" when he doesn't get his way.

He has a retirement settlement of about $40K that is coming.  I almost expect him to take it and leave.  If he does, I will not allow him to return and I will not continue to pay for his health insurance.  I'm not sure if he is capable of logic and reasoning at this point, but if he walks out that door, he will not be coming back.  If he thinks he can go have a good time with the money and come back when it's gone - ok, that's not going to happen.  :o)

Anyway, just another post to vent and log what is going on here at home.  So sad that he simply cannot find happiness in his retirement.  Just really sad.


Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Forgetting the little things

Sometimes I forget to blog the little things....and then they turn into big things and I don't have dates or reference points to fall back on.

A few weeks back I remember seeing hubby outside one morning with socks on and I thought - good, he's protecting his feet.

Little did I know that he had started wearing a pair of "hospital" socks at night because he was scratching his feet in his sleep.  Rubbing them together until they were raw.

Tonight I saw his feet.  Covered in band aids and the parts not covered have what looks to be a rash with intermittent cuts and gashes.  Lots of scabs from healing wounds, but b asically just raw looking skin.

I asked him what was going on.  He said he couldn't stop scratching his feet.  I suggested some lotion and he said he was using some old stuff from a previous office visit.

Once again I asked him if he didn't needto see a doctor.  He said no.  He is adamant that he is not going back to a doctor ever again.  I think I'm thinking it's just a phase and if he gets bad he will end up going to a doctor.

Looking at his feet, I have to wonder.

I've been so busy taking care of mom, helping to get her moved, worrying if she will live thru the night for the last 4 weeks that I have had no time for hubby.  I still don't.  But I did see his feet tonight and realize I need to keep a little better records of what's going on with him.

My pre op is Friday and he agreed to get fasting labs done that day.  It will be interesting to see what his a1c is.  I am expecting it to be lower.