Friday, February 08, 2008

Part of the problem is just me

I was awake most of the night, and know I'm coming down with something. So perhaps part of my feelings when I posted last night were just being exhausted from the start of a cold. Knock on wood, I haven't been sick in about 4 years now. I'm hoping I can divert this one...will start on mega doses of Vitamin C as soon as he gets up.

Slept on the and on, sore throat, ear hurts, chest congested. I think it's just exhaustion. We've had house guests almost non-stop for 2 weeks....I've been trying desparately hard to keep life on an even keel with no outbursts from I've been suppressing a lot of my own emotions and feelings. Last guest left sis is returning today or's a little less stressful with her here. She knows everything that's going on and I don't have to try and cover up so much....but I still do.

Think I will just stay in bed today and try to sleep this one off. Can't really afford to "crash" until about next Wednesday. Have to giggle on that one....But it's what I'm doing today....self-talk....I just can't get sick just yet! :o)

So, as the spouse of a diabetic, why do we continue to cover up for them? And I know that we all do it....on a regular basis. We don't want our friends to know what we really go through? We don't want others to talk about us? I sort of think it's a normal process regardless of what "problems" go on in a family....and diabetes is a "problem" when it comes to outward behavior of someone who is non-compliant.

Maybe Vics Vapor Rub will solve more than just my sore throat today! LOL!

Yes, I can "dream". :o)

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Time to see a counselor

Me. Yes, I've requested an appointment to get some counseling as I know I need help. He has just started to lie about everything. Today, he said he had errands to run. I know it's not errands...he's going to the doctors. And he's not telling me because he knows I want to go...and if I go, then I will know what they have told him...and if I don't go, then he can lie to me.

So I asked him if he had ever gotten in to see the Endocrinologist. He said no, they sent him back to the nutritionist who changed his insulin.

!. When did he go to the nutritionist? Because he sure didn't tell me about that visit.
2. She is the person who first changed his insulin...upped it to 3 shots a day. His MD changed it back to 2 shots a day. We jsut seem to be on a merry-go-round with this. He bounces from one doc to another and each one changes his meds. That's why I want him to get into an they can then be the one to oversee all the changes in his meds.
3. His HMO is self referral. He can call an endo and get an appointment. So why on earth doe he think I'm going to believe that "they" sent him to the nutritionist?

I am just so sick and tired of all of this that I called and requested an appointment today. I need help in accepting his lies. I need help in knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. Today...I'm just so dang tired that I can't even think about it...past the fact that I know I need help.

I just don't even want to be in the same room with him. I just look at him and think "liar". I try so hard to rationalize that this is his choice. He has made a choice to live his life exactly as he wants and I have no input into it. My option is to sit here and watch him kill himself. Oh yes, note: He sat here yesterday and ate piece after piece of chocolate candy and today, he ate 2 whole chocolate bars, 4 slices of pizza and had fast food for lunch. He won't eat a thing that I offer to fix him....tonight was grilled chicken. He pulled out a frozen pizza. Sigh.

I know I'm starting to get angry and bitter. I'm tired of biting my tongue, but if I say anything, I know it will just end in a huge fight. And I know I'm tired because he is not using the cpap and I'm not sleeping at night. Think tonight I'll just stay on the sofa. It's hard on my back....but at least I sleep.

At this rate, he may well outlive me. I'm hoping that tomorrow, I can get back to my usual happy self.

A friend said to me today that we marry "til death do us part". So I asked her if that had to apply if the other party was intentionally bringing on their own death. She looked at me so stunned and said, "good question. no answer"

Perhaps that is how it is to be....there is no answer for those of us who live with this disease, but do not have this disease.