When does it end?

Yep, 1:30 am and I'm wide awake. He started out with the CPap on, yanked it off and is thrashing and kicking, gasping, choking for air, and I felt like I was living in an earthquake again. No, I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm in the guest bedroom and can't get back to sleep. I just want to cry.

I would love to get twin beds, but he refuses. He said he is too large for a twin bed, which is sadly true.

I would love to get an additional twin bed to put in our bedroom like a daybed....there is enough room. But he said it would make it too crowded in there and I have to agree that I would still wake up from the snoring.

He takes numerous naps throughout the day and is so tired all the time. Before he went to sleep last night, he said the calves of his legs were hurting so bad....it felt like the bones were broken.

His doctors prescribed him new meds for his feet almost 2 weeks ago and he has not been to the pharmacy to pick them up. Our HMO will re-shelve it after 7 days, so when he does go, he will have to wait to get them refilled.

I think starting tonight, I will just start out in the guest bedroom. Simply because I know that I cannot continue to sleep in a rocking bed.....and I cannot continue to manage with nights where I don't get sleep.

A lack of oxygen to the brain can kill the cells and I do think I am starting to see this. I mean, I can see the logic that when he wears the cpap, he does not thrash and he has more energy during the day, takes less naps, has less pain. Yet he cannot see that. Or perhaps it's "the present is more than the future" so when he pulls it off in the middle of the night he doesn't think about what tomorrow will be like?

I truly feel like I am watching this man die right before my eyes and there is not a single thing I can do to stop the process. He is in the driver's seat making all the decisions, going about 120 mph down the road and keeps taking his hands off the steering wheel. And I'm sitting here next to him with my hands over my eyes screaming my head off!

I met a wife

of a diabetic who is much worse than my husband. He is currently in the hospital with a heart that operates at 20%....after getting a pacemaker installed. The doctors told her they don't know what's wrong. And I just wanted to scream...but I didn't! :o) I am sure his nerve endings are shot. He's been in a wheelchair for years. He, too, eats potato chips by the bag and anything else he wants.

And I wonder....no, I know, this is where I am headed.

In the past 2 weeks, I have buried myself in a project for charity. A young 15 year old girl that I know is going to be doing a walk and I am raising funds to support her. It's been good. It's taken my mind off everything going on here.

Hubby has not started his new meds yet...he "forgot" to get his Rx filled. Swears he will go pick them up tomorrow. But he has been down with pain in his back so severe that he can't walk. He "promised" to call the doctor tomorrow about that as well.

I just go hide in my studio and play with my art! It is my escape!

And I'm over my pneumonia. Thank goodness. Still quite weak and taking lots of naps....but I have a clean bill of health from my doc. It was not contageous and he said I might have gotten it from working in my basement studio, so we did go out and buy 2 huge space heaters this week....it is definitely warmer down there now!

It's always sad to meet someone who is worse off than you are. But on the other hand, it truly makes you thankful for what you have and where you are in life.