Response to "Managing"

"Managing" wrote:

My husband does and it is almost unbearable to be around him because of all the stupid things he does and says. I worry that it will also make him be so forgetful that he will get himself into real trouble in the shop around tools and vehicles, etc. But he will not listen to my words of warning. 
The weird thing about our ongoing grief is that it is such a constant that I have trouble recognizing what "normal" would be. I am not sure to what degree this has affected my personality. Am I even able to make good decisions anymore? I love this man and am commited to helping him but as he loses his ability to think straight his requests of me become less and less "Do-able" or he'll forget and change them. I think that MJ makes his mental state much harder for me do deal with. But for some reason it is what they want. Maybe to run away from reality?  
All of this combined with his anger and hate for everything and everyone has pushed us further apart than ever before. Each consecutive step that separates us makes me feel guilty that this man who used to be my partner in crime - now sometimes straight up disgusts me. It makes me not like myself very much. I pray for him and now I pray for myself to find the love and kindness and patience to love him and forgive him his human flaws. 
Looking at your timeframe makes me so scared that I will not make it through this. It is so depressing already. And I do things that I need in my life and get out a couple times a week. I'm thinking that getting a place of my own for some of the time may be necessary to get away from it and refresh myself enough to come back at it with a kinder, more patient and loving attitude. Do you think that will help me to make it through the long haul?

If you have read past posts, you know that hubby left me for 3 years.  All I can say is that in retrospect, it was a gigantic blessing.  Not anything I had planned for.  But I certainly needed the respite and while I'm not sure it will help me through the long haul....it's gave me time to grieve my mom's death.

It also taught me that he was well enough to take care of his father ....and himself.  He's been back since last August and I do not take care of him.  I worry about them.  But if he was "well" enough to leave me to care for his father....he's well enough to take care of himself now.

And I did put my foot down in a couple areas.  If he ever threatens to leave me....he best be prepared to do so as I will be packing his stuff up that moment.  That used to happen on a weekly basis.  Not anymore!  If he gets mad and demands that I let him out of the car...I will...and I will not go back for him.  So that has changed a few things.

I keep telling myself that he picked his father over me.  For three years.  Thus, now, I have the absolute right to pick my life over him.  That was his choice.  This is mine.  And it does make things different!

DW

Glucose inbalance once again

You'd think I'd be prepared.  But I never am.  Increase in sugar lows.  Too much insulin?  Too little food?  He almost passed out twice this week.

Skin tone is very gray.

Other problems going on.  Many nights of no sleep - awake vomiting.  So I don't sleep.

You'd think I'd be prepared.  After his heart attack, bypass surgery, spinal fusion surgery...you'd think I'd be prepared for anything.

But I never am.  And I doubt I ever will be.

I was thinking about grief.  I know 10 people who have passed away so far this year.  No one really close - cousins, quasi-kin, etc.  Yet I watch the survivors grieve.  Each in very different ways.

A couple of close friends have spouses who have had heart attacks - I watch their panic set in.

Grief can make you do stupid, stupid things.  I've been there.  I've done them all.

Hubby said he doesn't want to travel any more.  I love to travel.  So I will grieve that "loss".  Is one loss bigger or smaller than another?  I'm not sure anymore.

I no longer know how to help those who are in "new" grief.  Perhaps because there has been so much in my life?  Words do not comfort.  You just get up and get on with life.  Or you don't.  It's about that simple!  I turn to my faith and I get up every single morning and start a new day with a song in my heart.  But I'm realizing that others do not understand that.  They think I should be lost in grief.  These days, I give it "10 minutes" - then get on with life.  Otherwise, I doubt I could function!

It's been a rough night.  But a new day starts in about 3 hours.  And I will get up, put on my happy face, and start the day in a positive mode.  It's only here, in this blog, that I share my sadness, my grief, my feelings of hopelessness.  That way, I can let go of them and get on with life.

Seems to be working pretty well.  :)

DW