On moving

I'm going to have to think about how I name my posts so I can find them when I want to reread them. So there's going to be a bunch on moving so I can sort out my own thoughts on this one.

It's been our main topic of conversation. He asked me to check out some new condos going in, which I did and they are stunning! One level. Elevator access. About 2 blocks from a grocery store. So that got us to discussing all of the ammenities we are going to need and I'm listing them here so I can add to them as we have more converstaions. I swear, developers are just not taking into consideration baby-boomer's needs....let alone ADA.

We need:

1800+ square feet
2 bedrooms minimum
1 car garage or underground parking
elevator access to the unit
one floor unit or personal elevator inside the unit to access all floors
wheelchair accessible unit/halls/bathrooms/shower

close to grocery store
close to bank/post office
close to public transportation
exterior deck/patio
doggie park/run


Things I'd like:
breakfast bar
live/work unit to keep my studio
place for workout equipment

Last night, he said I could look in the area where my sisters live. It's 2 1/2 hours away and I never dreamt he would even consider moving there. It's at a higher altitude as well and I'm not sure he would do better there at all. I'm starting to think a lower altitude would be better, but not sure.

I looked at some live/work lofts yesterday as well. They are almost too big, but I love everything about them except there is no elevator access to the upper 2 levels. It would be perfect for me and I could actually expand my studio and have retail hours. I probably wouldn't open a store, but I'd love to have a "real" place to have classes other than in my unfinished basement. The stairs in these units go up and then at the top, there is a platform landing, so the 2nd floor splits and part of it goes off to the left and then 3 more steps up to the kitchen/living area. The same with the 3rd floor. So even if you put an elevator in, you would need 4 stops, or the 3 steps down would be unaccessible with a wheelchair.

I would really prefer loft living as I'm thinking open, no halls, easier to move around in.....the gal who showed these to me said they were building some more about 10 miles away and we could go to the contractor now and discuss an elevator inside. When I explained the split levels she said she would go talk to them about having floors 2 and 3 all on one level. So I'm waiting to hear back from her on that before I move forward.

I'm really torn between living where we are (city, all the ammenities, close shopping/doctors, etc) and moving to where my sisters live (small town, higher altitude, 2 1/2 hours away from "real" shopping). I know I can do all my shopping online, but I also know how much he likes to eat out. Moving away from all these restaurants might be ok from that aspect. But housing prices are obviously higher where they live and there are no live/work lofts...ok, there are no lofts, only condos. If I could talk to a builder, we might be able to design a condo with no walls, so that's an option as well.

Lots to think about and if I write it all down, then I won't "forget" the things I need to think about.

I really think he might be serious this time. But I also realize that when we go to actually computing the cost/time/energy in moving, that might change his mind!

2:00 am and a big low

I woke up and he was downstairs. So I came down to make sure he was ok. No, he was having a major low. I can almost see it in his eyes these days. They get all glossed over and he just can't seem to focus when he looks at me. He was eating canned peaches. I sat down beside him and rubbed his back for about 10 minutes, asking if there was anything I could do to help. He said, "Just sit here with me".

It's been awhile since he's had a middle-of-the night low. But with a high A1c, I still can't figure out when he is having his highs.

I'm glad that he still wakes up, but I often worry that he won't.

This is a low that he won't remember. When he wakes up he will feel like he slept all night long. I also find that to be so strange. He's back sound asleep, I can hear him snoring.

As for me...I'm wide awake!

Can diabetics read???

LMBO! OK, for all of you who send me your nasty little annonymous comments that I will continue to reject....you all need to learn how to read!

Anyone who writes to me about type 1 diabetes obviously does not have the ability to read that my hubby has type 2 and that's what I'm writing about and NO, I will NOT post that information in each and every single post I make!

Anyone who writes to me that what I write is way too personal, well, duh! It's MY PERSONAL blog....so get over it!

Anyone who tells me not to be giving advice to diabetics....ok...I have absolutely no intention of doing that at all! READ! I am just merely writing my thoughts and sharing them with other women who are in my situation.

We are NOT diabetics.....we are LIVING with UNCONTROLLED, non-compliant diabetic spouses.....READ the name of my blog! LOLOL! For heavens sake....don't take it so personal...it's not about YOU! It's about ME and what I am experienceing and living with on a daily basis.

And let's just discuss attitude for a moment. Most of you who email me and I reject your comments have an attitude 100 times worse than my poor hubby, so I can't fathom being married to you or you having/raising children! Get over yourself! It's a disease. You have lows and highs where you do not remember what you say or do and THAT is the part I blog about. Those incredibly horrible moments when my hubby turns into this unleashed monster that absolutely no one would want to be around.

It's your disease and you have to deal with it. But don't email me and think I'm going to post your negative, nasty, horrendous letters.....especially when you have not taken the time to read all of my blogs and when you are so inconsiderate and lazy that you think for a second this disease has not or will not affect you in the same manner in which it has consumed my husband.

WOW! I feel great now!

OH, and the only way you can prove to me that you can read if you are a diabetic is to carefully read ALL of my posts and then decide if you still need to vent to me! Remember....I'm NOT talking about Type 1 diabetes here.....no matter what the similarities are and if you think I am, that's all the proof we need that you don't know how to read!!!

:o)

He's gone round the bend!

OK...I'm laughing as I write this. A lot of history here, so this may be long, but I need to get it out!

In October, 2005, I had the chance to move to Phoenix and go to work for an art company that I was designing for. Hubby encouraged me to go and said that in the spring, he would spruce up the house, sell it, and move down to join me. Unknown to me, the next month, he refinanced the house and then said we could not afford to sell it. I stayed south for the winter and then came home....madder than a wet hen at him for refinancing behind my back because I knew he did it because he did not want to move. Yes, even after he told me he would move.

We have since replaced most of the items HE sold at a garage sale in anticipation of the move. Things like a riding lawn tractor, garden wagon, etc.

I have resigned myself to living in this house forever and started fixing it the way I want. Moved my studio to the basement. Spent a fortune on 10 classroom tables, wheeled chairs, etc. Last week, we strung cables for satellite TV in the studio and the guest bedroom.....doing things that we have never done, making this a place we can enjoy.

So today, we are driving to brunch and pass a new condo development and he says, "why don't you check those out?" I just looked at him and said, "you want to move to a condo?" and he says, "yes, I think it's time".

Half of me says go find one today and sign the contract because in 3 months he will change his mind! But at brunch, I decided to ask a bunch of questions. You know, things like, "do you want a garage?" "no" "well, where would we store the ATV?" "I'll have to think about that I guess"

"are you going to sell the new garden tractor"

"No"

"where would you put that in a condo?"

So I decided that he really has not thought this out....but I will start looking for a one story loft or condo as I know he is not going to be able to do stairs much longer and I know he can't continue to maintain the yard and outside of this house.

But I swear....why didn't he just move with me 2 years ago? It would all be over by now as we had said back then we would move to a loft.

Men! I think they can be so funny!

Another new sore

on his right foot. Same place. 3 open, oozing areas. I wonder if this one will heal. He said he is going to call his doctor on Monday. He doesn't feel like leaving the house again. I'm sure his feet are killing him. It's painful just for me to look at it, so it must be bad for him.

Good progress on sleep. The Cpap is really working. He is sleeping more and longer and does have more energy. But the energy is being zapped by the increased pain.

I can't help but think if we could get the feet well.....we could get the rest well.

It only takes a moment

for all of life to come to a standstill. My middle sister was in a serious car wreck yesterday and her Escape was totalled. She walked away with only a silver-dollar sized bruise where the side airbag hit her hip. 2 merging cars from the on-ramp forced her car into the rail and it flipped and skidded upside down down the freeway.

A state patrolman was on the frontage road and saw the whole thing. He started running when she flipped and was there when she stopped skidding. She said she was hanging upside down and could not get her seatbelt undone and all she wanted to do was get out of the car before it caught fire.

A woman who saw the whole thing came up and held her and hugged her and would not let go of her. But my sis walked away. And for that, I thank God. I told her I will be up there Friday and I'm going to hug her non-stop too!

It only takes a moment to flip a car, skid upside down a highway. It only takes a moment to lose a life. Today, I am just grateful for the moments I have left with my husband because I truly do love him.

Another welcome break!

This week, I'm visiting my sister because our mom is visiting her. My "job" is to entertain mom so my sis can have a bit of a break. I drove up this morning and will be here til Thursday, so getting a break from diabetes. Quite nice! And I will have time to create and design so I can slip into that mode and just play!

Hubby always complains when I go away, but I've explained that I need to help my sisters as we all take care of our mom. So he doesn't battle me too much.

He is off the crutches now. But for how long? Our weekend was peaceful and we actually got a few things done around the house.

The down side of being gone is I know he will go to the store and indulge in bags of chocolate. So I will predict that by next weekend or early next week, he will be having more flare-ups with his feet or an infection in a joint somewhere.

So sad that I can now predict the cycle.

But at least I'm on a holiday! :o)

I'm going to die in that car of his!

Hubby has a powerful little sports car....you know the type. It's the car that is always zooming in and out of traffic and you swear some inexperienced teenager is behind the wheel.

No...it's my 50 something husband.

One day, he got a ticket for going 93 in a 65 mph zone. All I heard for months was that there is no way he was going 93. I happened to have been in the car with him that day and am pretty sure he was going 103 and the cop was being quite nice to him.

I have taken to driving more and more in my SUV, offering to drive wherever it is we are going. And I have started refusing to ride with him when he drives the sports car. I've used every excuse in the book from being blunt, "you drive that car too fast and I'm not ready to have a heart attack" to "I feel like driving today".

I've been researching and studying more and more about end stage renal failure. But it was a discussion on sleep apnea and driving that really got my attention this week! People with sleep apnea are more likely to have or cause a car accident while driving. OK....that's more than enough information to prevent me from getting behind the wheel of the car with him!

But I also think some of it goes back to my earlier discussion about him giving up and deciding to die, deciding to live his life like a mad man. It's like eating all the sugar that he wants, driving as fast as he wants, weaving in and out of traffic as much as he wants.

Could it be that a diabetic has no control with what is going on in their body.....and transfers that lack of control to "control" over other elements in their lives? He can control the sugar going into his body by eating everything that he wants. He can control his driving by speeding as fast as he wants.

My youngest sister lost her husband to an unexpected heart attack over which she had no control. Since then, she has turned into a cleaning freak. She will run the vacuum cleaner while we are visiting her house. She cleans non-stop. I think it's because she has control over that. And until she can give up the lack of control she had over her husband's death, she's going to clean because she has control over that. Make sense?

Hubby is also the angriest driver I have ever known in my life. Even when I drive, he yells at the other guy "it's the big peddle on the right, dummy". If there's not a wide open space in front of us, hubby gets angry. Heaven forbid a semi passing another semi in front of us on the freeway. And anyone who actually drives the speed limit (including me) is a complete moron.

For the most part, I either ignore his comments, say soothing little things "it's great that we left early and don't have a deadline" or pray. Man! Do I pray when he is driving! It's the only way I arrive alive most times. Not because we didn't have a car wreck....but because I didn't have a heart attack!

Does this have anything to do with diabetes? Only if it's from the control aspect. No control over diabetes.....control behind the wheel of the car. But it seems to me that in the last 10 years, the more complications he has had from diabetes, the more reckless his driving has become.

I worry when he takes the car out without me because I "know" he is going to be in an accident. But I'm starting to think that type of "worry" is better than riding in the car with him!

Feel free to vent here!

Yes, Jean, and anyone else who is the spouse of a diabetic, feel free to vent here. I blog to vent my own frustrations with this disease and it certainly helps to know I am not alone in all of this.

I was reading about caregivers the other day and one of the websites said that a caregiver should do just this....blog, vent, journal. So somehow, I figured this out way before I read it's a good thing to do.

It's sort of like....if I write it down, then I can quit worrying about forgetting it, and I know I need to keep a record of this journey. I need to be able to go back and look at the progression of this disease. I need a place to vent my frustrations and my fears so that I do not vent to him.

I need a way to get through the stress of the day.

So whether your spouse has had this diabetes for a day or 30 years or more, join me in my journey with a man who is refusing to take care of himself, who is near end stage renal failure, who is in denial that there is anything wrong with his body.

Or start your own blog and send me a link....I will add a links section to the side of this. As spouses, we are all in this together and need the support of one another, maybe more than I realize at the moment.

Thanks Jean, for telling your side of the story. I do not feel near as alone as I did a year ago.

It's a bit like cancer

OK, I "know" diabetes is not cancer. But it is a bit like it in that it creeps up on you and consumes the body. The sore that is on the side of hubby's right foot is starting to heal. But when I looked at the big toe on that same foot tonight, I just gasped! It is all engorged and purple. Completely deformed and misshapen. And when I looked at his other foot the whole thing is swollen.

He said it's because he went into the office today and wore shoes all day long. I think it's because he's just getting worse.

So we sat down to watch a movie and I went to hold his hand and on the sides of his index finger, there are now lumps like on his feet. They've never been there before. I'm sure it's tophi gout. I'm sure it's because he's back to eating meat and such.

When cancer mestatises, it spreads everywhere. Just like his gout it. And I know the gout is from uric acid which his kidney's can't process anymore due to his diabetes.

I just wonder where it's going to spread next. So sad.

Diabetes Denial

Thinking outloud again, but feel free to chime in if you have thoughts on this one. Just for fun, I looked up the word "denial" in wikipedia. Here's what it says:

Denial is a defense mechanism in which a person is faced with a fact that is too painful to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence. The subject may deny the reality of the unpleasant fact altogether (simple denial), admit the fact but deny its seriousness (minimisation) or admit both the fact and seriousness but deny responsibility (transference).

Types of Denial include denial of fact: of responsibility: of impact: of awareness: of cycle: and denial of denial.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Denial

It also classified denial as a mechanism of the immature mind, because it conflicts with the ability to learn from and cope with reality.

WOW!

My husband was in his early 20s when he was first diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I think he denied it then and got stuck in denial.

Today, I don't think he denies the "fact" that he has diabetes. That would be rather difficult with all the ongoing problems that he has. Yet he freely lies to me about what the doctors tell him. Hmmmm...interesting.

He definitely has "denial of responsiblity". But I do believe this is brought on by his doctors. He is with an HMO and I know that they are instructed to keep their patients as positive as possible. The doctors in this HMO are not allowed to give a negative forecast as the "current thought" is that it will bring on a depression and make the patient worse. Thus they keep telling him that he is doing just fine....while prescribing more and more drugs to relive his current symptom/problem.

He has "denial of impact"....but then I'm not sure he can even remember some of his behavior when it occurred during a low.

I believe he has had denial of cycle for 30 years now.

And obviously, denial of denial is definitely an issure here.


Reasons why I think he's stuck in denial:

He won't test his blood sugars. He says he knows what they are based on how he feels.
He won't stick to any kind of a meal plan. He did quite well with a low purine diet until his levels started to go down...now he's back to eating anything he wants.
He doesn't take care of his feet, doesn't wear socks, ignores them until he gets an open wound.

I think I have learned that I cannot help him get past this stage of his mental issue with diabetes. But it is certainly sad to see it. I often wonder how different he might be had he accepted this disease in his early 20s and made life changes back then. I often wonder if he is too old now to make the changes. And if being in denial so many years has increased his propensity for depression. It's sort of like, what came first, the chicken or the egg? I will never know!

I found a website I like for caregivers:

http://www.strengthforcaring.com/manual/stress-relief-time-management/time-and-time-again/

Diabetes, Depression, & Sleep Apnea

My current research shows all 3 are inter-related. Hubby went to the sleep center a few weeks back and got his results yesterday. Now, I knew he quit breathing at night. I thought maybe 2 or 3 times throughout the night. My problem was that when he started breathing again, he would flop so hard on the bed it would wake me up.

The results of his sleep study show that he quits breathing 60 TIMES AN HOUR! And that was an average! OK....I was completely shocked over that one!!! Thats once per minute! I am amazed the guy is still alive!

He got the machine and put it on last night, but had taken it off sometime before 1:00 am when I woke up to his flopping once again. He said this morning that the machine shut off and he will try it again. I didn't bother to ask why he didn't try it again last night!

The research I've read shows that Sleep Apnea can cause weight gain which can cause diabetes and depression. Diabetes can cause depression. Depression can cause weight gain. Seems like a vicious cycle.

But here's my question (and I can't find anything on this, maybe I'm not searching right). Hubby has been a diabetic for years and has nerve damage. Could it be this damage that causes him to stop breathing? Something doesn't "fire" correctly within his central nervous system. Could it be possible that the CPAP machine will not work for him?

And what about all the long naps that he takes during the day....he still quits breathing during them.

Once again, observing the progression of this disease, combined with the aging process and the loss of kidney function is an interesting journey.

Eating Right

Today marks 7 full weeks, 49 days, of no sugar and no diet soda for me. I simply can't believe it at all! I never thought I could go this long and I'm still not sure where this is coming from.....except that I continue to see the damage that it's doing to my husband.

I wanted to make notes on how I'm feeling. Yes, I still do have a moment here and there where I really really really want something sweet. But for 7 weeks, I have not had a cookie, a piece of cake, pie, or candy. I haven't given in. And it's been about 9 months since I've had any ice cream.

I am still not completely off of aspertame. But with no soda, it's mil compared to what I used to ingest. I try to be very careful of labels, but I do know that some is getting past me, especially when we eat out. Mostly in sweeteners. And I'm trying to watch that a bit more.

I also have not had any red meat in about 7 weeks. Limiting myself to seafood and chicken.

I've cut way back on white flour, using flour tortillas and pita when I can. I have not completely cut it out of my diet yet, but have substantially reduced it.

And I've walked 3 miles a day almost every day for 4 weeks now.

What do I think it's done for me?

1. I've lost 10 - 15 pounds. That's not my goal, but it's an end result of the changes.
2. I have less pain. Noticeable less pain. My arthritis only bothers me about once a week now. I'm moving better. I get up out of a chair much quicker. I can tell I'm gaining muscle.
3. I'm not irritated. I think I'm handling things a whole lot better. His flare ups don't seem to upset me as much as they did a few months ago and I think it's because I know I'm taking care of me.
4. He has slowed down on the candy. And I know it's not my imagination. I got mad at him one night as he was sitting here eating a bag of chocolate and told him if I ever saw anything sweet in this house I would throw it out! So he's either slowing down (just a candy bar every couple of days) or he's taken to eating in the closet when I'm sleeping (which I sure would not put past this guy!)
5. I have more energy.
6. I am sleeping all night long. Every night. Two months ago, I was getting less than 4 hours of sleep a night and had big black circles under my eyes. They are almost gone now. Even hubby is noticing a difference.
7. I'm getting more done. See # 5. It's like something sparked inside of me and I'm not nearly so tired, I'm happier. And I really think it all stems from the fact that I know I'm taking care of me.

And I know that I have to take care of me because I can't take care of him, I can't fix him, I can't change him. But 3 cheers for me for the changes I've made, and for making it to 7 whole weeks! :o)

Foot xray today

As I log the journey that he has chosen, it seems to me that less and less makes much sense. Today he had his foot xrayed. Summary to date: Two weeks ago, it was just fine and he was walking better than ever while on vacation. Back home, swelling and pain so intense he could not walk for 4 days. Dr. treated it for a bunion. Put the circles on it, skin got white and raised up (died off). Then hubby decided it was gout, told the doc who put him on prednisone and crutches. Pain immediately subsides. But skin has now opened and is festered and oozing yellow puss. Doc orders xrays which were done today and he has an appointment on Tuesday to go see him.

Hubby refuses to put anything on the open wound, not even a bandaid. He is wearing socks and sandals. But cotton socks can get fibers into an open wound and I think he is almost wanting a worse infection, although I can't imagine why!

He continues to be extremely grumpy, so I have gone to my basement studio and am happy as a clam creating fun stuff. It's a work day and I'll venture he has spent less than an hour actually working. That concerns me, but until he gets laid off or fired, I'm not going to worry a whole lot about that as there just isn't a thing I can do.

He had steak fajitas for lunch. Far cry from what he is supposed to eat on his current diet to reduce his uric acid. Again, not a whole lot I can do.

Memory Loss and lethargy in diabetics

Jean wrote: I've noticed for the past year or so now that my husband completely forgets entire conversations. As with most things with this disease, it's not a consistent symptom so I too wonder if he's really forgotten or just "conveniently" forgotten. He's had double-digit A1c's for most of the time I've known him, and one of the docs I transcribed for told me memory lapses and ultimately dementia were more common in diabetics and of course elevated even more in those who don't care for themselves.

I've noticed a lot more lethargy with my husband lately. He goes to work as normal but really lets things go with the lawn, car care, etc. Lots more sleeping and laying around during the day. So I wonder . . . is it just a normal phase of being tired out or is it depression, problems with the heart, failing kidneys or ???? It's to the point that I sometimes tiptoe to the side of the bed or sofa and just stand there til I see the rise and fall of his chest that lets me know he is still alive.
++++++++

I find these comments amazingly interesting. One of the reasons I decided to blog was to write down things that my husband says because he denies making some comments that I know he made....and it was driving me nuts. I got to thinking that maybe I was the one who couldn't remember things or that I was making things up that he had never said. I agree, it's not a consistent problem. But it is a problem that bothers me. When is it a lie, when is it a convenient forgetfulness, and when is it memory loss?

How high or low, and for how long of a duration does it go, before there is memory loss? I think I have noticed a distinct pattern that when he is low and says something, he will not remember it at all. It's more like a short term memory loss. But I can almost guarantee that he will not remember anything that is said or done when he is in a low. And for some reason, I notice it more with a low than with a high.

I have also definitely seen an increase in his lethargy. I do think it is partially due to depression. I also think his body is simply wearing out. He cannot do the things that he used to do. However, I also think it's a partial excape. If he's watching TV, sleeping, reading.....he can escape the reality of what is happening to him.

What bother's me most are his comments like, "just take me out to the desert and leave me" or "why don't you just shoot me and put me out of my mysery". That's when I know he's most depressed. And although I don't think he would take his own life, one never knows.

I've also noticed that he doesn't want me to go away. I just spent 48 hour at my moms and he called me 6 times. And all he could do was tell me that he missed me. I don't think he misses me so much as that he is afraid when I'm not here.

I wish more spouses who were experiencing issues like this would post, but I have a feeling they have left, or are too frustrated, or too busy taking care of their spouse.

I had a lovely 48 hours away and am just delighted that prednisone is bringing down the pain in his foot.

Is it a lie....or does he honestly not remember?

That's the problem with highs and lows and memory loss. He had a low this morning. So I said, "can you tell when you are having a high?" He said "huh"? I said, "well, I remember someone telling us that with a normal a1c, if you have a low, you have a countering high.

And he said, "my a1c was high, over 7" and I nearly fell off the bed. I KNOW he said it was normal. He said that all of his tests came back normal at the last testing.

So if he is having a low, with a high a1c, then he must be high a whole lot of the time.

I asked him if they had mentioned getting a pump. He said his insurance will not pay for a pump. I went to their website and sure enough, they WILL pay for a pump. But I'm not about to confront him as he's just mad tonight at the world. He is in such pain and his foot is just so horrible. Yet he still ate a bag of potato chips at dinner.

I'm about exhausted as I've been running up and down the stairs all day long fetching things for him. The neighbor came over and said we had a broken sprinkler, water was shooting into their yard. Hubby tried to tell me how to test the sprinklers, but I couldn't make it work so he went out to the garage and ran the test while I ran back and forth between the garage and the side yard trying to figure out what was wront. He finally told me to put a brick over it and sure enough, the water doesn't shoot into the neighbor's yard. But we will have to get it fixed this weekend. That little bit, just walking out to the garage, did him in. He was in bed all day long with an infection in his foot and he literally can't walk. And I can't continue to fetch things for him. I wonder where we go from here.

We've been at this since last Thursday. I'm taking a break and going off to visit my mom and my sister for the next 2 days. Scared to death to leave him alone, but know that I need a break and he has to make some choices about how long he goes without calling his doctor. I suggested that he get some crutches. Maybe it would help for him to take some of the pressure off that foot.

On the other hand, if he has a high a1c, I'm not sure much of anything will help. I'm tired of the lies. And if his brain cells are so fried he can't remember what he tells me, well, I'm tired of that, too.

What do doctors really know?

My husband went to his doctor yesterday. They told him his feet were in excellent condition. And I said, "with all those lumps and bumps????" I almost laughed! However, upon further explanation on his part....the "excellent" condition is the fact that there are now no open boils or open sores (ok....can we just say 8 days in the ocean water will heal most anything?) And what good timing on his part....to visit the doctor after he's had is feet soaking in "salt water" for 8 days!

Yet I do not see how any doctor could actually say to this man "excellent condition" when his feet still look worse than the photos I posted on the side of this blog. Note, those are NOT his feet...just similar photos I pulled off the web. His feet have many more nodules and lumps and little yellow pointed boil type things on them. He has been hobbling since Thursday night and was hobbling when he went in for the doctor's visit.

I think I have less and less confidence in physicians as they continue to look at one single element of what's going on with him and not with the entire picture. And they have absolutely no idea what it does to say something like this to a man who is in denial that he even has diabetes!!! OIY!

The good news, ok, the really great news is that they also told him his insurance will cover one pair of shoes and a free shoe fitting and they scheduled that for him. I, of course, have been telling him for 3 years that he needs to get diabetic shoes made for his feet, but he has never shown the least bit of interest. But now he is excited to get special shoes made. If only they would tell him to wear diabetic socks...ok, I can at least hope they will do that when he goes in for a fitting. He absolutely refuses to wear socks, even in the dead of winter when there is 3' of snow on the ground!!! Ever since I met him, he has been wearing "boat shoes"....sort of look like the old penny loafers, some call them deck shoes I think, with no socks. At least he will be getting fitted shoes and I truly hope they help him.

The other problem is that they told him he has a bunion and have started treating him for that. He has forgotten that a different doctor told him it was his tophi gout. So it will be interesting to see what happens with the area that is so infected at the moment. For some reason, I don't think a bunion would get infected the same way tophi gout does. But again, I'm not a doctor and he's not going to listen to me. However, I must say, I'm delighted that he at least listened to the doctor yesterday and actually scheduled the appointment with the people to get fitted for shoes. That's progress in my book!

But it still seems like we are treating the end result, not looking at what the cause is. As long as his sugar levels remain out of control, I don't see any means of improving what's going on. But at least he's listening to suggestions for relief on the results. I'll take baby steps at this time!

If you had one wish....

what would it be? OK, I know I'm just talking out loud here, but I wonder if there are spouses of diabetics reading my blog, and you had one wish, what would it be? Aside from wishing this disease would go away!

I want to dance. With my husband. I want us to take ballroom dance lessons. It's the reason we met! I put an ad on a singles website posting that I was looking for a dance partner. We met. We went over the local dance class adds in the weekly newspaper.....but we never took the class. It seemed like there was always something that came up. He was always traveling and gone back then (about 9 years ago). Or he had family events. Or he would schedule us to go to a show or play. Every time I tried to schedule a class....one that met one or two nights a week for 4 - 6 weeks....there was always a reason he couldn't take the class. I should have known then.....but I think I was "in love" and just not even thinking!

We took one class after we got married and he did nothing but complain about how bad it hurt his feet. 25 years ago, I was dating a guy who was an Arthur Murray dance instructor and I absolutely loved to dance. I still know how....and I still need a partner! LOL!

Tonight, I think I realized I have to make a choice. I either have to put this dream on hold until my husband dies. Or I can go to dance classes and dance with someone else. He is never going to dance with me. I think I have held out hope for 9 years. But in reality, it's just not going to happen.

Last week, at our vacation spot, he was walking just fine. No problems at all. Even commented on how great his feet were doing. Tonight, he came home after a day in the office, and he can barely walk. He has infections going on in both of his feet. They are horribly swollen and hurt him so bad he could barely make it up the stairs to our bedroom. It's 5 pm and he's in bed. I don't think he's going to be dancing ever again.

So, if you had one wish.....what would it be?

Amazing stuff!

I had my last soda on May 12. I never thought I could do this....but I it's done. I no longer crave the stuff. I can sit with a group of friends who are slurping it down as fast as they can, and I don't crave it. Someone told me I would get to where I crave water. Well, I'm not there yet....but I am enjoying water more than ever.

I had my last candy bar on May 11. Not a bit of sugar since that date. No candy, cookies, chocolate, sweets. No sweetener. No stubsitutes.

And I am not craving them at all.

I started walking 3 miles a day on June 1. I have walked at least 10K steps every day except for 3 days. And I totally missed walking those days. I look forward to that hour alone in the early morning hours. Most days it's my only alone time since hubby works from home. I bought new walking shoes today! :o)

I have started holding classes in my studio. Meeting new people. And I've invited a group of friends to come over one day a month to create and share.

Little by little, I am starting to fix things, do some home repairs, put up lights where I want them....clean out boxes that have been stored away.

My life is back on track and I'm starting to enjoy each day once again.

I am denying my husband's diabetes for the time being. OK, I know that he has it....but I am refusing to allow it to consume my life. He can eat all the chocolate he wants...I'm not about to enable him. He can eat bags of potato chips and drink 12 cans of diet coke a day, I'm not going to join him. He can sit here on the sofa and sleep, watch TV, vegge out for hours on end....but I'm not going to join him.

Hopefully, one day soon, he will start to miss me and decide to join me. If not, I'm determined to continue to make healthy changes in my life as I watch this disease deteroriate his body and his life.

Amazing stuff? Yes, I am just so amazed that I am doing this on my own!

21 days of walking.

42 days of no sugar and no soda.

YEAH!!!

An amazing vacation!

OK, so we really did not do that much where he was on his feet....but it was exactly what both of us needed!

We went snorkeling. No walking there! Just floating on the surface of the ocean watching the amazing life below us. I honestly think that the hours we spent in the salt water helped his feet. I haven't seen them looking this good in about 3 years. He still has all the swelling from tophi gout, but no open sores. No boils. Truly deformed and misshapen, but whole. Amazing!

We took an ATV tour through the jungle. Again, no walking. But he actually did a few jumps! We both laughed so hard and just had so much fun with our totally non-English speaking guide who figured out quite quickly that we knew what we were doing on ATVs....and decided to put us to the test!

We rented mopeds and spent a full day exploring the region. No walking there. But we fell in love with mopeds and the whole area. We tried to go out into the jungle and find a river, got lost, ended up at a bar on the beach where we drank bottled water and listened to the waves pound the shore.

Took a cab to another beach with yet another day of snorkeling. Spent lots of time laying under the cabanas letting the bartenders bring us bottled water. He did have several near crashes so I know there were and equal number of near highs. He corrected them yet again with chocolate bars. But we did eat a whole lot healther for a full week. Loads of fish and shrimp, salmon, salads. I actually lost a pound! I think we got plenty of exercise pushing the fins through the water to get to our snorkeling spots.

I did get him to walk around the pool, on the beaches, into the villages to do a little shopping. We just took it slow. I kept reminding him we had no schedule and we would walk a block, sit and have some water, checking out a different restaurant and then walk a little more. I know he got more exercise last week than he has in the prior month.

We did some shopping and wandered into a jewelry shop. He picked out a ring and chain for himself then asked me what I wanted. I had my eye on a most ridiculously priced necklace and he was able to get it down to half price and bought it for me. He said I deserved something that pretty. I was in awe!

He was the "old" guy that I fell in love with. He was sweet, kind and generous all week long. We laughed so much...it was enough to make me want to move there! I am just so grateful for the vacation, for the break and for the fabulous time we both had. Made me realize also that part of life at home could just be the stress of his every day job and we need to run away just a little more often. He did agree that we can stop eating out all the time and save out money to do this a little more often. I call that great progress!

Maybe there is hope! I'm feeling quite optimistic at the moment!!!

Some FUN stuff!

About 3 years ago, we took a cruise and stopped in a little known port on the south coast of Mexico.....way the heck down there. A new port, little used. Absolutely fell in love with the place and swore we would go back.

So yesterday, I got one of those last minute deals where they haven't filled up the plane.....to this very place...at such a cheap rate I couldn't believe it! I showed it to hubby and he said, "book it!" OK...."last minute" is very literal. We leave in 2 days!!!

We've been running around trying to get stuff together. We both love to snorkel. It's a very relaxing thing as you just float on top of the ocean and look down at all the beauty below. Hubby tried on his fins.....of course they don't fit. His feet are so swollen these days. He has decided to just rent a pair when we get there.

I'm just so beside myself that he agreed to do something. And even if he just sits in the hotel room, sleeps and relaxes....there will not be much to stop me from going out exploring and seeing the area. I can hardly wait!


And on a different positive note. I have started a 21 day "give it up" thing. About 4 weeks ago, I gave up soda and sugar. I made it 21 days and obviously am still not using it. Amazing the difference in my own life. One week ago, I started walking 3 miles a day. Will continue that for 21 days (and then past that, of course). In 2 more weeks, I hope to give up white flour.

With these changes, he is grudgingly making a few changes. I refuse to cook 2 different meals, so he has to eat salad with me or get up and fix his own meal. So at least that gets him off the sofa! I told him that I don't care what he eats, but he has to be supportive of me. I haven't seen a bag of candy in a week. Now if I could just explain to him that I don't want potato chips in the house......

And I've told him I'm not going out to eat except once a week. Well, we've been out twice this week and will obviously eat out next week, but when we get back home....it's back to fixing salads and grilling chicken and fish here.

OK...I will settle for baby steps. He walked 4 blocks with me this week as I told him I need to get in 10K steps per day and I was only at 9500....and wanted to take the dogs for a walk, but couldn't handle both of them at once. So he joined me. I think I see many days in the future where I just can't get in 10K steps! :o)

This blog is very good for me as when I reread it, I see that I am the one who has a life and I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. Hopefully with the changes that I make, he will follow. Who knows? I've decided it's worth a try.

Plus....I'm feeling better. I know that I need to build muscle. I need to increase my circulation. So walking is it for me. I hope to get to 5 miles a day....but I also know that will take time.

It takes me an hour to walk 3 miles. And I realized today that is a full hour I have away from the house....with time to think, time to be alone, time to pray. It's time that I need.

He's been a bit grumpy about all of this. But I keep reminding him that I need to be healthy. I tell him that I'm doing this so I will feel better. And he hasn't argued with that too much.

But I still find entire bags of potato chips that he downed in one setting. Sigh.

Maybe next week I can get him to walk with me on the beach. Now that would be fun!!!

Notes/Fatigue and back ache

Today was one of those "we just have to do yard work" days. I noticed that he kept sitting down on the steps so when we broke to get some lunch, I asked if he was OK. He said that he is just totally wiped out and feels weak. I asked if it could be one of the new drugs that he is on or a combination of drugs and he looked a bit surprised, thought a moment and then agreed that it could be. So I suggested that he let his doctors know the next time they see him. He said that he thought he might have low iron. And I reminded him that they could also do something for that.

Then we were talking about contacting landscapers to re-do our yard. I think we want more trees and border hedges. I threw out a couple of ideas and he said that there was no way we could do it ourselves, his back hurt him too much. He said, "Just bending over picking up the few branches you trimmed just about killed me."

Well, that just doesn't seem quite right because I had been bending over picking up branches, twigs and leaves for about 2 hours and he had only done about 5 minutes.

I wonder if at this age, the less you do, the less you are able to do? Has he lost muscle from sleeping so much? Will he ever be able to regain it if he wanted.

So, at lunch, I asked him what his thoughts were about getting a bowflex machine and he said that might not be a bad idea. I know that I could use some muscle building help and it's obvious that he can. My question is....would we use it? I guess we'll find out!

Notes/Swollen temple

Yesterday, hubby had a swollen left temple, very painful, tender to touch and a really bad headache. I asked him to contact his doctor, but he did not.

Today, it was a little better. But he was tired. Slept most of the time from 5 pm - 9 pm.

Not sticking to his low purine diet. Had steak last night and again tonight.

He seems to be sinking deeper into a depression.

Just logging my notes

Normal A1c and daily highs and lows

When I visit the diabetic nutritionist, she continues to explain to me that although my husband's a1c is within normal range, every time he has a low, he has to be having a high at some point in order to balance the a1c to a normal range. And that those continued highs and lows are not so good for everything else that is going on in his body right now.

He thinks that because his a1c is normal, everything that is going on in his body is related to anything other than his diabetis.

He is such a brilliant man in so many areas, but his logic fails to present itself when it comes to this disease. This past weekend, he said he was having a low and reached for a piece of cake at a relative's house. I noticed that he did not test his blood sugar, so I ponder if he simply just wanted a piece of cake and knew I would see him eat it? or if he was really having a low.....and why did he not notice the "high" that he must have had to balance out his a1c?

Yesterday, we went out to lunch and he did eat a healthy lunch, but then topped it off with a huge piece of chocolate cake and ice cream.

With so many medical problems, I have to wonder if he's not trying to speed up the process, the natural progression of this disease by eating like this. Or is it just beyond the realm of possibilty for him to believe that he can halt the progression? He says that with a normal a1c, there is no need for him to prick himself at all.

There are weeks like this when I think this is the lull before the storm. What will I do if he goes blind? Will I stay? Would I be able to provide care for him? What will I do if the surgeon he is scheduled to visit recommends amputating his feet? There are days when it's almost too much to think about. There are days when I refuse to think about it at all. And there are days when I just get so angry and upset because he won't even try to halt the progression of this disease.

I think today needs to be a day for me to just put it all out of my head and find something constructive to do. One of the greatest things about blogging is that I can write down my fears.....and then stop thinking about them. Writing....it can be such good therapy!

More spouses.....

A friend found this link and sent it to me:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/thread/88751.aspx

So perhaps spouses are starting to speak out about uncontolled diabetes and a person's unwillingness to take care of themselves.

My hubby already has neuropathy, kidney failure, erectile dysfunction, tophi gout, high blood pressure, loss of nerve endings/feelings and loss of eyesight.

He will not eat a thing all day long and then eat a bag of Dove chocolate because his sugar is low.

One person wrote "I told him I've been a caregiver all my life and dont feel like seeing you dieing".

I can certainly understand where this person is coming from.

Another wife wrote: " I TRY VERY HARD TO FIX THE KINDS OF FOODS HE SHOULD EAT. HE EATS WHAT I FIX AND THEN GOES TO THE STORE AND GET COOKIES OR CANDY AND EATS THAT".

Oh, that is just so familiar!

Someone suggest printing out facts from the internet. I have tried that. Hubby says you can find anything to prove anything on the internet. And he is probably right on that one. But you would think something from the Mayo Clinic would have an impact on him...but it doesn't.

It is so sad to read about the other diabetics who do not take care of themselves. It makes me want to cry because I know exactly what the spouses are going through.

______________

Hubby informed me that he has a cataract coming on one eye. He has had cornea transplant and already wears soft lenses over hard lenses and reading glasses for close up work. I read somewhere that high blood sugars raises the risk of cataract by 40%. His doctors have told him to pay attention to it and when he starts to notice a loss of vision they will discuss it more. He has also been told that he may need new cornea transplants in the near future.

I guess I hadn't thought much about the risk of him going blind...but I know it's possible.

All the signs are there. He just can't "see" what his continued eating pattern does to him. He had cake and pie on Saturday.

Day 12 of my altered life

No soda, no sugar, no chocolate, no fried foods, nothing but healthy eating. And loads of water.

Next step is to add walking and exercise. Taking it slow. Living one day hour by hour. But I am feeling so much better.

Maybe simply because I'm making time to do something solely for me. Maybe because I am eating healthy.

Maybe just because it's time.

The power of prayer.....

There is a verse in the Bible that says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. I have never doubted that, but I have always realized how tiny and insignificant my faith is as I can't begin to move a mountain.

But I do have faith in the power of prayer. And sometimes it just shocks me. And I don't know why because I continue to keep that verse in the foremost part of my thoughts.

Last night, my cousin and my sister spent the night in the guest bedroom. That meant I slept with my hubby. I think he was quite happy, but I was dreading it because of the flopping, tossing, turning and snoring. I finally went up to bed about midnight and put in my earplugs and just started praying. I prayed for Jehovah to heal this man that I love. I prayed for open passages so he could breathe without snoring. I prayed for calmed nerves so his legs wouldn't jump on the bed. I fell asleep praying....

and I woke up at 5:30 am. Refreshed, rested, ready to go!

I want to work on increasing my faith....I want it to grow from the size of an microscopic amoeba to something greater than that. I don't need to move a mountain, but I do need to have the faith that this will all work out.

Somewhere I have a mustard seed necklace that was my Grandmother's. I need to go find that.

Ear plugs??? EAR PLUGS?????

LOLOL! Sorry, I just had to type that. Someone posted a response to an earlier post that ear plugs are needed even with a CPAP machine. Oh me...I wish I had a machine that measures decibles.....he's totally over the limit. OK....when he is in bed on the second floor and I am in the basement, with 3 doors shut between us, I can still hear him snore. Just imagine what it's like to be in bed next to him! No one sleeps!

Last night, I laid here and just watched him. He was sleeping on his stomach. Snoring loudly. But his lower leg would raise up, rotate in a circle a couple of times and then just bang back down to the bed so hard it would bounce me up off the bed. Now, I know this sounds strange, but I know he was sound asleep as he was snoring quite deeply (translate that loud). And this didn't happen once, it repeated over and over until I finally just got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

But it totally amazed me that his foot would raise straight up from the knee, perpendicular to his leg, rotate in a circle anywhere from 1 to 3 times and then just as if it lost all sense of being, drop with a dead weight to the bed.

And I can't believe it didn't wake him up.

I asked him this morning if he knew he was doing that and I don't think he believed me at all....it was just so bizzare.

Ear plugs won't do a thing to solve the tidal wave that leg of his creates! I so hope the sleep study will turn up something.

Good news. We rode 5 hours on the ATV today over very rugged terrain. I know he is sore and exhausted....but he was outside doing something! I'm planning at least 2 rides for next weekend. However, I think I may be the one who is in the most pain at the moment! LOL! It's really hard when the body gets old, but the brain doesn't. I still think I can do all the things I did when I was 18. Well, I'm not giving up this sport just yet.

And by the way. Day 8 with no diet soda for me! Yeah!

Long distance lows

What do you do when you are 3 hours away and you know he is having a low?

The plans are that he drive up this evening with the ATV and we go out tomorrow with my sis and her hubby. Granted, we have not been out since last fall and this is an unplanned trip. He has called me numerous times looking for things that he needs for the ride. Goves, goggles, etc.

So he calls me a little bit ago and says, "I am really getting tired of this Easter egg hunt you are taking me on. Where did you put the trailer hitch?" I said, "I wouldn't have put it anywhere, you would have put it up." And he said, "You took it off the truck." And I said, "No, that's something you would have done." And he replied, "I don't know why you take it off, but you always take it off the truck." And I said, "I don't need this, goodbye."

Now...a bit of logic thinking. The truck is his. I have a 4WD vehicle. "My" trailer hitch is on my vehicle. So why on earth would I take his off? and leave mine on? So I can tell he is not thinking well and therefore, must be in a low. I'm not there, so I can't tell for sure. But the one thing I do know is that I have never taken the trailer hitch off his truck. I would have no reason to do that.

So once again, I'm sure he has not eaten a thing all day long, (I wasn't there to fix meals for him) he is trying to do something and it's not working for him, so he is calling me, 3 hours away from him, and blaming all the problems on me.

Well, that tells me a couple of things. I can't escape his lows no matter where I am. And it reinforces what a lovely week I've had.

I think if he calls me one more time, I will just tell him nicely to stay home. It's just not worth the frustration of all this.

And I have had such a lovely week. So much that I am dreading going home. Now, isn't that sad?

No answers needed....I'm just thinking out loud, and documenting yet one more incident because I know he will not remember that he blamed me for this.

Note to self. When you get home, go buy some type of shelving for the garage where everything is out in the open. Most likely he looked inside the tub and there was a jacket or blanket on top that he did not bother to remove. So you need to put everything out in the open where it can be easily found.

Day 5 of my new altered life

So, I left home last Saturday. Took a leisurely drive up through the mountains. Spent the night at mom's and celebrated Mother's Day with her. Then took another 3 hour drive up a different mountain highway to get to a small place where 2 of my sisters live. I have been here all week. It has been a slice of heaven! One of my sisters and I are starting a jewelry making business. So we have been designing and creating prototypes all week long.

When I left home, I decided to give no soda a try. Today is day 5. I will survive! LOL! I also decided to totally alter the way I eat. Day 5. I will survive that as well! I am hoping that when I get home, I can continue doing good things for me, regardless of what else goes on in my life.

Hubby is driving up tomorrow and we will spend the weekend out exploring the surrounding hills on our ATVs. It will get him outside which is so good for him! And good for me as well!

It's been such a nice week. I've slept 8 - 10 hours every night. So I'm starting to feel a bit more rested. We've been in constant contact via cell phone calls...but it's just been a nice reprieve to be away, to have time to think, to be creative with my sister. We've had lunch with our other sister almost every day, so that's been fun, too.

And we've been walking every day.

I think I've just decided that hubby can eat all the bags of Dove chocolate that he wants. I'm going to get serious and take off my extra 25 pounds, do good things for me and put good things in my body. Hmmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I'm having too much hope that it will rub off on him? Nope! I'm doing this for me, not for him. I'll be fixing salad for me and he will be cooking for himself! Well, unless he wants salad with me!

Feels good!

And the doctor said......

Well, he finally had his appointment with his doctor today. He has rescheduled it for 3 months now! So here's the outcome:

1. They are scheduling him for a sleep study (good!). He does scare me to death when he quits breathing in the middle of the night.

2. They are scheduling him to see a surgeon about the bunions on his feet. Not so sure how I feel about this one as I think it is tophi gout....but we will wait and see what the surgeon says.

3. Scheudling him to see a foot doctor since the uric acid levels continue to go down, but the swelling and nodules are still in his feet (different bumps and lumps from the ones the doctor thinks are bunions)

4. His prostate is enlarged. He has been having a weak urine sream. And they gave him 2 more prescriptions to handle this.

5. They told him to lose weight and to exercise.

And sent him off for a slew more labs that we won't know about for a week or so.

No new A1c yet. No new kidney function yet. Sigh.

I was out all day long and came home to find him with a bag of Dove chocolate in his hands. Sigh.

Life goes on. It's dinner out and a movie tonight.

Why are diabetics so sensitive?

Recently I have been inundated with posts that I have not allowed. They seem to be coming from rather young, type 1 diabetics. People trying to tell me, the spouse of a type 2 diabetic, how to take care of him.

I was told that my question "Does diabetes make you lazy?" is an "unfair question". HELLO!!! It is a question. Not a statement, not an opinion..just a question!!! How on earth can a question be unfair....unless you are reading it as a statement!

I was told that "diabetes doesn't make anyone anything except a person with a disfunctional pancreas". OK....what about a pair of non-functioning kidneys? What about all the other things that diabetes makes a person? What about the emotional things it makes a person? Aren't there just a myriad of things that diabetes "makes" a person? I think the author of that comment must be in denial about all the things that diabetes is.

Note: the words "I think" should be read "this is just my opinion, it is not a statement, and it is not a general statement about all diabetics"!!!

I was told that I have "strong words against diabetes". Sorry, my words are about the results of diabetes....not about diabetes itself. Read carefully....I am writing about the impact that this disease has on a spouse. And it is my PERSONAL story of what happens in this single, solitary family.

But I may change my mind on that one. If having diabetes gives you the "right" to write stuff like this to me....then perhaps you need to sit back and look internally to who you are.

Someone wrote to me "I belive diabetes management is best done when there are multiple people "assisting" the person with the disease. Not doing it for them, not hand holding them every step of the way, but doing what they can to make the burden just a little easier and less lonely."

Well, I will respond to that comment with this: Who is here "assisting" me when he is having a low and is screaming at me to get out of the house? Who is making that a little less lonely? It sure as heck is not him! He can't even remember that he did it....let alone be there for me. Life is a 2-way street. It is give and take. It's not just all take, take, take.....which IS how it is in this house.

There needs to be some balance here. If you have this disease, this blog is not something you are going to want to read....unless you want to make life for your spouse a little easier. If you have type 1, I doubt this blog is for you either.

If you really want to know the frustrations that your spouse might be feeling, if you really want to hear the voice of a woman who is married to a man who does not take care of his out-of-control diabetes, keep reading. If you have highs and lows and don't remember what happened, then read here. If your spouse tells you things that you don't remember, or you don't believe, then read here.

I will continue to write my own, very personal, thoughts on this disease as a view that most of you may not want to hear. I will continue to moderate comments and I will not allow any that come from angry diabetics. Sorry, it's my blog and I will set my own rules. I just wanted to post this to clarify where I am coming from.

That being said, may all of you women have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. If you are the spouse to a diabetic, I especially hope your day is calm and level...you deserve that at least one day a year!

Things do change.

We live 15 hours by car from my in-laws, or it's 6 hours to fly/drive. In the 33 years since my husband left home, he has always been with his mother on Mother's Day. It's the one thing he made quite clear when we got married. And that's always been fine with me.

He told me today that his knees and hips hurt too much to even try and fly down and there's no way that he's driving. Now, before some of you jump the gun and decide to write and tell me this has nothing to do with his diabetes, let me explain that for him, it does. His kidney function is down to 30%. That means that his kidneys cannot remove uric acid from his blood. So it deposits the uric acid crystal in his joints. His joints swell and become red and inflammed. And they hurt him so bad that he cannot walk. Sometimes it presents itself as gouty lumps and he has surgery to have them removed when they exceed the size of a grapefruit. Usually those appear on his elbow.

He has started taking drugs for this and he's been about 50/50 recently on his low purine diet. I'd say that he has a hamburger, hotdog or steak once a week....but that is down from 5-6 times a week in the past.

So things do change. Sadly. His parents are in their late 70s and I know that his mom looks forward to having him with her on Mother's day. But if he can't make a 6 hour trip right now...that tells me that his pain level is much worse that he is letting on.

It just makes you wonder where he will be a year from now?

Drugs

Several have asked me to post the drugs hubby takes. As best I can tell, here they are.

I'd have to go back and look at my notes, but on the Novolin, he does both at 6 am, then one at 6 pm and the other one at 10 pm and I'm not sure of the doseages.


Gemfibrozil 600MG x2/day for cholesterol

Simvastatin 40MG x1/2/day for cholesterol

Clindamycin 150mg x3/day for infection

Novolin R 100U/ML

Novolin N 100U/ML

Allopurinol 100mg x4/day for gout

Furosemide 20mg x 1/day for fluid retention

Lisinopril 20mg x 1/day fro high blood pressure

Tramadol 50mg x 1 every 6 hours for pain

So in addition to diabetes, he is being treated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and tophus gout. The Clindamycin is for the infections in his joints. He also does a lot of Tylenol arthritis and Pepcid AC. And I think that's it.

Kidney function is holding at 30%

He has postponed his March physical once again. Now it is scheduled for this Friday. He is complaining that his hips and knees hurt so bad he can barely walk or sit. I'm pretty sure it's because of the gnarls on his feet and he walks on the outside edges of his feet....that would be enough to throw off anyone's knees and hips.

Good news....he found a pair of shoes to fit his feet. Size 10 WWW at SAS. First time in 3 years that he has had "real" shoes on his feet. WWW in order to fit around all the gnarly growths on his feet. They only had one pair, so he has ordered a second pair and hopefully they will arrive this week.

Another quiet day as he went into the office. I plan to get loads done!

Only a few more hours....

and hubby returns from his business trip. I have to say, the past 5 days have been sheer bliss. There have been moments when I have just sat here on the sofa and listened to the quiet. I've not had to fix him a darn thing in 5 whole days! I've not had to look at his feet, watch him hobble, take him the phone.....and it has been a little slice of heaven!

What have I done? Well, 2 days were spent with my best friend at a local event we attended. I spent a whole day out shopping. Did a little yardwork and visited another friend. OK...I think I had a touch of a normal life this week!

I did not have to pick up after him, or clean up after him. When I pulled something out of the pantry, it got put back. When I dropped something on the floor, I reached over and picked it up. I think at times, his pain level must be so high that he just can't do simple tasks like that. But on the other hand, he could go out and get himself one of those little grabber thingies! LOL!

Does diabetes make a person lazy? Where is the defining point between living a normal life (picking up the piece of envelope that dropped on the floor) and being in so much pain that you can't bend over to pick it up....or "using" the disease as an excuse to not pick it up?

Good question, huh?

When does a diabetic "give up" and decide to eat all the greasy french fries and sugary drinks that they want rather than saying "no" and eating the right foods?

Do some diabetics never make that choice because they remain in denial that they have this disease?

Do some diabetics consciously make a choice to live the remainder of their lives exactly as they want because they would rather live life to the fullest than die taking a zillion drugs to contol their lives?

Do some diabetics make their choices based on religious beliefs? I went to high school with a gal who's dad died from this disease because he refused to take any type of drugs whatsoever based on their religion. He was a pretty young man when he died. He had 7 children.

Do diabetics have the right to make those kinds of decisions when they have children and spouses that have to deal with the outcome of those decisions?

Feel free to answer those questions.....but I'm going to sit here and contend that spouses and children have the primary rights when it comes to a diabetic and the decisions that they make because I have learned that he cannot remember, and when he is in a low or a high, he cannot make a "healthy" choice for himself.

So....he's on a business trip with a bunch of his work peers. You KNOW he has been eating fried hamburgers, french fries, ice cream sundaes all week long! I dread what will arrive home today as I'm sure he will be on a total sugar high for the next few days.

For the next couple of hours, I'm going to sit here in the quiet solitude of this house and just listen to the silence!

It's NOT my job!!!!

Someone posted the following in response to one of my comments:

"If you thought he was low, why didn't you ask him to test and have him eat something sugary?"

and it got my dander up just a tad!

Why on earth does anyone out there think it's the spouse's job to do this?????

OK....if the diabetic individual was doing everything in their power to take care of themselves, i.e., eating healthy, testing, drinking fluids, keeping meds on schedule, exercising, getting therapy.....then I could see perhaps doing this to help them.

But when the patient refuses to do anything to help themselves.....why on earth would you think that the spouse is responsible to help them?

Sorry, I just don't get this one at all.

Sorry, but he has to grow up, get out of his denial, get past his grief, and get on with his life. I cannot do that for him. And I'm not about to put myself into the path of his wrath by suggesting there is any problem with his diabetes! I do need to protect myself.

But seriously. He's not going to take care of himself. Why is it my job to take care of him? Yes, I love him dearly. But he is not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35 or..... he is more than old enough and capable enough to test his own blood, eat healthy, exercise and so on. But since he denies there is a problem......he certainly is not going to do anything to fix something that's not broken.

Sad, isn't it?

Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!

Second issue this morning. I spent yesterday out with a dear friend. We were driving in the car and like a lightening bolt...it hit me that hubby was supposed to go in for his physical on Thursday (the day before). He either lied to me (he really did not have his annual physical scheduled for Thursday) or he spaced it out and did not go. We were both home all day long on Thursday.

This was supposed to be the visit where he gets his new A1c....and they give him a new kidney function level. I really do not think he "forgot"....I think it was never scheduled.

I think the guy is totally incapable of telling me the truth when it comes to his diabetes. But why lie? Why?

And of course....today is NOT going to be the day I ask him anything! LOL!

Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE this disease?????

Weekend War?

I tried sleeping in the same room with him last night. Why? Why on earth do I think that I need to sleep with him just because I'm married to him? Went to bed about 10 pm. Put on the headsets and started to watch a movie on my little DVD player to drown out the TV. He had the volume set to 33 which is not all that bad...my headsets will muffle the surround sound.

Next thing I know....I'm hearing guns and booms and I look up...he's upped his volume to 44! I should have known right then and there he was going into a crash. But you know....some things I just never learn. So I simply turned up the volume on my DVD player and started to snooze off.

About midnight, he got up, banged the doors on his wardrobe, turned off the TV and left the room. Absolutely no idea what he was doing other than the door banging totally work me up.

Fell right back to sleep.

About 3:30 am....I woke up to a thud on the bed. He was throwing those heavy foam pillows on the bed. I just laid there...trying to get out of my sleepy fog. He flopped down on the bed so hard that I raised off my side of the bed. I still just laid there. About 10 minutes later, he was snoring and of course....I was wide awake.

So I decided to just get up and come work in my studio.

At 6:45 am, I hear a thud....a door bang...and then I hear the alarm on my cell phone. It was ringing. He had gotten out of bed. Walked over to my makeup table, unplugged it, gone all the way back across the bedroom, opened the door, walked out into the hall, and thrown it over the balcony onto the sofa downstairs in the living room!!!!

Yet he couldn't just open the flap and turn it off????

I'm in the basement and I hear it ring, so I go upstairs to find it. Went all the way to the upstairs as that's where I'd left it plugged in. Not there. Still ringing. Find it on the sofa. Go back upstairs and ask him, "did you throw my cell phone downstairs?" He says, "no." I said, "You did too!" He said, "No I did not". I said, "I heard you open the door and I heard it hit the sofa!" He said, "I turned it off and 10 minutes later it rang again. You do the same thing to my alarm clock." I said, "I have NEVER thrown your alarm clock down stairs!!!" And I walked out of the room cursing him all the way down the stairs.

It has NOTHING to do with him throwing the cell phone down on the sofa. It has EVERYTHING to do with him waking me up at 3:30 and I quietly leave the room....but if I (via my cell phone) wake him up...he HAS to make a scene.

Weekend war? I think it just started.

Age 10? I think he is there. So my question this morning...has there been any kind of study done to show that a diabetic who is having complete and total out-of-control sugar levels reverts to the IQ and age of a 10 year old? I swear. There has to be come coorelationship to this. I cannot believe that a 50something year old man will pick up a cell phone and throw it over the balcony just because he can't figure out how to turn it off. I KNOW he's in the middle of a low. I just know it.

The other day, he commented that I treat him like a child.

Well...duh! He's certainly acting like a child today!

He's gone back to bed and I'm leaving here in half an hour and may just be gone all day long. I'm so not going to deal with him this weekend. NOT even going to try!

I HATE this disease.

Marijuana and diabetis

I've done all the research on this that's available on the internet. Marijuana does provide pain relief. BUT it also impacts the release of glucose into the body and sets off yet another rollercoaster affect. Sort of the same thing as if you hit your finger with a hammer and started screaming....there's that rush that forces the body to generate glucose and release it.....which follows with a low.

But he seems to think the occassional relief of pain is worth the roller coaster ride.

After all....he's inside the ride...he's not on the outside watching the total destruction that's going on.


Anyone else watching the ride, wondering when the body is going to go fly off and hit a brick wall and come to a screatching stop?

Drama! Drama! Drama!!!

NEVER ask a diabetic a question! My new rule. He called me into his office as his company has changed life insurance carriers and he can up his insurance one time without a physical. He wanted to know if he should do that. I said I couldn't see why not. So with that as the lead in, I asked him if I could join him for his next physical. And he totally blew up at me, yelling and screaming. Which was interrpted by a business call.

So I give up. I will not ask him again and I will not be going with him to his physical.

I got up and came to my studio and just sat here. I nearly started a blog. I knew that as soon as his meeting was over, he would be down here apologizing, kissing me. And he was.

It's this total, constant roller coaster of emotions that I cannot deal with. Yes....I created the roller coaster. I did not need to ask him if I could go to his physical. But it really is "my" disease in that I have no idea what the prognosis is, I do not know what drugs he is taking let alone the contradictions of these drugs....and I would like to know.

But I guess I will continue to live in the dark, and continue to learn as much as I can about this disease.

Inability to Sleep....

is this something that is synonymous with type 2 diabetes? It's 8 am, on a work-at-home day and I had to go wake him up. I asked if he was ok and he said, "Yes, I just didn't sleep last night." I asked if he was missing meetings and he said, "probably".

I know....not my disease, not my problem. But...if he loses his job....THEN it's my problem! aarrrgggghhhh!!!

So, is is a common thing with diabetics that they do not go to sleep until 3 or 4 am? I know he is in horrible pain. But on the other hand, I know he is not managing this disease at all. He does not even try to eat right. There's another whole bag of Dove chocolate on the top of his dresser and I watch it shrinking by about 1/4 per day. OK...maybe 1/3 and maybe this is the 3rd bag this week!

We have a treadmill and exercise bicycle....he can't use them as his hips hurt too much. He will guzzle diet soda by the bottle and I've read what that can do to diabetics. He just is not willing to change anything about his lifestyle habits and then gets so angry at the world, so depressed....and can't sleep.

I just wonder if other spouses have moved out of their bedrooms like I have in order to get some rest on their own. Yes...the only reason I've moved down the hall is that his inability to sleep was keeping me up all night long.

He also has restless leg syndrome. He flops his leg all night long which in turn flops the bed. He doesn't roll from one side to the other....he literally lifts his body up and flops back down. Which, of course, generates a huge tidal wave to my side of the bed. OK, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic here...but do you get the point? I will be nearly asleep and the bed will move with a sudden jolt.....and of course I'm back fully awake thinking I'm living in southern California and we just had an earthquake!

I'm also quite sure he has sleep apnea. He will totally quit breathing, then gasp for air. These gasps are so loud that they would wake me up as well. He refuses to even have a sleep test done. So, between the gasps, snorts, farts (nerves in the intestines are dying off), RLS, flops and bounces.....I really have had no choice but to start sleeping in the guest bedroom.

Sigh.

It's only been a couple of weeks now....and just today I am starting to feel a bit rested. I think with 2 more solid months of good sleep, I may be back to joining civilization! :o)

At least I feel good enough this morning to attempt to go out for a walk! Yeah! Just wondering how the rest of the spouses manage to get a good night's sleep?

Drive thru diet soda

Went to Taco Bell for lunch, in the drive thru and ordered a diet pepsi. Drove away, 2 blocks before I took a sip and it was cherry pepsi. So I turned around, drove back, got out of the car and went in to make the exchange because the line in the drive thru was just too long to go that route again.

And I wondered.....what would all that sugar do to a diabetic? I'm not sure my hubby can tell the difference in taste. Often, I will get a soda and think it's not diet, but not be able to tell, ask him to take a sip, and he can't tell.

But I know the sugars in a loaded soda are so much higher than in a diet and just started wondering where the responsibility is with fast food chains? (OK...no answer needed as we know they don't presume to be resposible for anything!)

What if this had been a child with diabetes and they handed them a soda rather than a diet soda?

So I came home and sent Taco Bell's website an email complaint. Not that I assume they will actually read it, but wouldn't it be nice if there were enough people emailing them (and all the other fast food chains) and they actually started to pay attention to what went out the window?

We used to have 2 McDonald's in our town. One has exceptional service and never gets and order wrong. The other constantly gave out the wrong order and the wrong change. I can't tell you how often I've emailed a complaint on that store. Believe it or not, they went out of business last year. I doubt it was my emails...but maybe they had some small part in it....or maybe everyone else in town was complaining as well!

Someone should invent a meter that you can place inside the soda that identifies which drink it is! I would buy that!

Rights as his wife?

I understand medical privacy. I understand and believe that each one of us should have the right to go to our doctor, chat with them, confess to them, and know that our medical records are private.

But I also think that as the wife of a diabetic, I should have the right to know MORE about what is going on. I think I should be informed of treatment plans and be asked to participate.....even if it is against his will.

So let the slamming begin! LOL! Anyone who wants to tell me it is his disease....go right ahead. We all know that. But I'm the one who has to live with it...and I have no input into the management of it. Well...if we can call this management!

He went to the doctor today. I asked to join him and he said he preferred that I not go. So to avoid a huge battle, I stayed home. I asked what they said. Here's the full extent of the reply I received, "well, they didn't seem to think it is good at all. My hips are deteroriating and they can't give me anything for the pain because of my kidneys. My knees are shot, too."

And I asked what they said about his feet and he replied, "well, they said they are not good".

He was there for 2 hours and that is all I got. And then he sunk into a horrible depression. He laid on the sofa for the next 5 hours not moving at all. About 6 pm, I asked what he wanted for dinner and he said "wings" sounded good. So I heated up the oven and pulled a bag out of the freezer and put them in. When the timer went off, I was on the computer and told him they were ready. He just laid there. I said, "They are for you, you can get up and go get them out of the oven!" To which he replied, "it would be nice if you would get them for me."

And in my head I'm thinking "when hell freezes over" and I just sat there. I could not believe this man would not get up off the sofa and walk over to the oven and take the wings out. Not even 10 feet from where he was. I didn't move and he did get up and go get them, groaning and moaning every step of the way.

I really want to know what they said to him that put him in such a mood! I think I have that right!

He said it would be next week before the labs are back and that he has a physical sometime in May when he thinks they might tell him what is next. I am going to start pushing to go to that appointment with him. Just so I can ask all the questions that he will not ask because he does not want to know the answer.

I seriously doubt he was there for 2 hours and they said 2 sentences to him. I'm more apt to think he is blocking what they said, in denial about it, or just doesn't want to discuss it. Which is fine. But what's not fine is the total depression and the desire to have me turn into his personal maid. Lord help us when he goes on dialysis, or in a wheelchair.

And there's more....I'll start another post!

Thanks Robin!

I had started to post this morning, then deleted it because I thought, "oh why? Why share any more of my story with anyone else?" And then Robin's post came though.....so here I am again. But first, Thanks Robin for posting. I really do hope you get it all under control before it get's so out of control you can't. And I think that's where my hubby is....just so far out of control that there is no way to control this.

I've found a photo of what his feet look like and will try to post it here in my blog. No, I'm not going to photograph his feet....as he is totally unaware of my blog. This is "my" space....the place where I can vent. This is where I write my notes, my thoughts, my feelings. This is where I come when there is no place else for me to go.

This past week, he has had pain in his lower back. I have not had the energy to research this. But his pain has been disabling. He spent the entire weekend on the sofa. Thank goodness for me....I had a weekend away with my girlfriends....much needed laughing therapy! I left him on the sofa and came home to him on the sofa! I actually asked him if he had moved at all over the weekend! LOL!

He has cut the back out of his shoes and is now walking with his heels hanging over the backs of them. He's going out less and less as he can't walk much right now.

On the up side, his uric acid level is down from 11.6 to 6.0. Incredible progress on that one....between the meds and going off all red meat, I think we are on the right path with that. However....at 30% kidney function....I'm not sure how much longer what he has remaining is going to last.

So here's todays "food" for thought. He is on at least 20 different prescription drugs. Kidney function must be "stretched to the max" processing drugs. These are all in addition to the insulin injections that he receives. He's on meds for blood pressure, arthritis, pain, diahrrea, gout and just a whole lot of other problems that continue to crop up. And it seems that with each new drug, there are new additional side effects. Some of those are controlled with even more drugs. Yes, you should see our bathroom.

The funny thing is that you couldn't find a single pill in our house that would help if your nose started running, you got a sneeze or had a bad cough! LOL!

I think the more meds he takes, the less I am willing to take anything. I have worked hard and long to get myself off all drugs and have succeeded. Although I wonder at my age how long that will last and am seriously thinking I need to start something for my arthritis. But I am procrastinating and I know why!

Yesterday, I spent the day in a chemo unit with a dear friend who is going through breast cancer. As I looked around me, at nearly 50 other people receiving injections....all in various stages of that horrible disease, I realized that I am blessed. All I'm dealing with is diabetes. And as horrible as this disease is, I do not yet think it is as devastating as cancer can be to some.

Laughter is perhaps the best healing medicine of all time. I've had a fabulous weekend with dear old pals and we just laughed and laughed. So much so that I do think my jaws are still hurting.

Hopefully, one day soon, I can look back and find something about diabetes to chuckle about.

And life continues on....

It was NOT cancer. It WAS a diabetic dermopathy. Like I suspected. Isn't it amazing what you can learn from the internet? There are some pretty accurate photos that tell me exactly what is going on with his body. So sad that he doesn't car enough to study, research and learn. I guess I want to know what to expect next.

He has his major 6 month lab tests coming up on the 20th. He will get a new a1c, and we'll learn how all the other levels are doing. It will be interesting to see where we are. He acknowledged today the he has "restless leg syndrome"....I sort of had to chuckle. I'm not sure if that's what he has...but I haven't slept in the same bed with him in a month because every time I try...he jumps and bounces so much that I'm awake all night long. I asked him if he would consider talking to his doctor about sleep apne. He didn't answer me yes or no....but at least the thought is out there. I know he quits breathing several times every night. But again....he has to want to help himself. But I think it doesn't hurt to put the thoughts out there.

My design work is keeping me quite busy, spending late nights in my studio and traveling a bit. A particularily busy week this week. He says that he "misses me", but I continue to explain that I need to build a life, that my life doesn't stop because he doesn't want to go on. So today, he actually got up and walked on the treadmill for 5 minutes. And said he was going to try to walk some every day and ride the stationary bicycle. I felt like doing a victory dance!

He has had about 3 weeks of severe back pain....seems to need more and more naps. Is it the pain wearing him out? Or is something else going on? He is now working from home almost full time, will set alarms for meetings and sleep between phone calls. So far it seems to be working.

And he did say that he is thinking about trying to work for 3 more years, and then filing for disability. At least he has a goal....being able to work for 3 more years. I think that is good!

He also agreed to try to do one more trip through Europe. Mostly on the trains. I know it really is a struggle for him to move that much, but he would like to see the south of France, and I want to go back to Germany. So hopefully we can do that this fall....again, something to look forward to.

In general, all is quiet and I just wanted to check in and report that it wasn't cancer.

Melanoma or diabetic dermopathy or something else?

He has a spot on his left arm that he claims is skin cancer. He has had some of these burnt off in the past. His dad, also a diabetic, gets them and goes in every 3 months to have them all burned off. But about 4 weeks ago, this one developed a yellow tint to the edges, then started to grow as a lump. He scratches it, so the top is now a scab and it's hard to say what it might look like if he did not scratch it.

He went to a doctor today (finally, even though it was just a GP) and they are going to biopsy it tomorrow. He is certain that it is malignant cancer.

I think (due to the yellow edge around the scab) that it looks more like diabetic dermopathy or tophaceous gout.

I'm starting to think I should go to med school....just so I can understand what's going on. He is in complete denial that anything can be related to or caused by diabetes. I'm pretty sure everything new that is happening to him has some direct connection to his diabetes. I'd guess the answer is somewhere between those 2 factors.

It is exhausting some days just trying to stay one step ahead of what is happening to his body. There is still no change in his acceptance of this disease. I think there has been a change in me. This blog has been so good for me. It's at least a place where I can express my feelings rather than bottling them all up inside of me. I find myself getting out more, doing things with friends, creating a life for me. Perhaps I just got consumed with his disease and needed a few people to remind me that it's all his...not mine!

I am just so tired today!

And I know it's because I did not get any sleep at all last night. Because he was not sleeping. He would get up, toss, turn, flop....to the point the entire bed bounced several times over. He had gas so bad the puppies would run out from under the blankets, jump down onto the floor, go under the bed, then come back up and crawl under the blankets....until the next episode. And I was too tired to get up and leave the room but I finally did around 4 am.

I'm pretty sure the gas is a result of an eating binge consisting of Dove chocolate, Girl Scout cookies, potato chips and chips and salsa. Yep...for about 4 hours last night he couldn't quit eating junk food.

Sarah, I so understand about staying away to stay sane. I don't know how much longer I can sit here and watch this man kill himself. But today, I am just too tired to even think about leaving him.

And I can tell that he has gone to "that place" in his mind. Example. He hates going to the grocery store. We talked yesterday about going sometime today. But from past patterns, I know he has to work up to it and it's usually after lunch, late afternoon, before we go. So I got up, put on my painting clothes (yes, the wall painting is going quite slow, but I am on my second room!) and he sees me in these clothes and decides he wants to go to the grocery now.

Had I dressed to go shopping....he would not want to go til later.

It's a total no-win situation with him. So I simply told him I was painting this morning while the sun light is good and that we can go to the store later today, or he can go without me. Of course....he's angry. Of course, it's 9:30am and he hasn't had a thing to eat today.....after a sugar binge last night. And I don't think he got any better sleep than I did.

I'm starting to think it's time for another visit to therapy. He has started on another spending binge and he is looking to purchase some huge ticket items. We can afford the debt....but will he live to pay it off? His credit line is so good no one seems to turn him down. Why is it there's not some red flag at the bank that says "man with diabetes....may not live to pay this back"?

Buying is a sign of sure depression in my mind. He is trying to make his life better by buying something new. Or is it that he knows he is going to die and doesn't care about the debt/mess he leaves behind for me?

We do not need new things. He needs counseling, he needs help, he needs to get out of his denial, to process his own grief, to accept this disease and to learn how to control it and live with it. But a 4 hour sugar binge just sends him into a downward spiral. Hitting rock bottom for him only seems to initiate a spending binge.

Is there anyone else out there who is living with an out-of-control diabetic? How do you sit there and watch them destroy themselves and their family one step at a time? Do you just give up and walk away? Or are you like me, so tired you can't function?

His feet seem to be getting worse. In my mind, I have nicknamed him "the hobbler". He walks on the outsides of his feet, I'm sure to relieve the pain. The lumps seem to come and go in different places, some bigger than others. The drugs do not seem to be eliminating them at all. He wants to do less and less....and thus I seem to be doing more and more. Maybe that's why I'm so tired?

Today, I'm going to clean out paperwork. Really...it's a form of therapy for me. Doesn't require any physical activity and I will feel good when it's all organized and I can find stuff when I need it.

And maybe take a long nap this afternoon and just send him to the store alone! LOL!

And he says, "Look, my feet are better"......

and I'm thinking "your eyesight is getting worse!" But I didn't say it! LOLOL!

I swear, I do not see any improvement in his feet at all....but perhaps they are feeling better, so I'm going to take this as a positive note in our battle to hang onto all 10 toes! I see him hobble and am not so sure there is any improvement. But life goes on. And I am really pushing him to be a bit more active, to do things, to get out and about.

We made it to LA and San Diego and back in the past few weeks and that is great. I know there were moments when he wanted to give up, but he was a real trooper, helping me out with my projects and work. Travel is always so hard as it's nearly impossible to eat right. I give him credit for really trying to stick to a low purine diet. I just need to convince him that a serving is closer to 3 ounces than 10 ounces! LOLOL! And I need to convince him that when it says 4 servings per week....that doesn't mean you can change the day you "start" your week on whenever you want!

My, he can be funny and taxing at the same time!

I am moving forward with my life. Painting the walls in our house once again. Trying to bring in some color, make things a bit brighter. I've started with the "exercise" room which used to be a guest bedroom. Painted the walls eggplant and peri. OK...shades of purple which is his favorite color. Yes...in the hopes that he will go into the room more often! I have a TV on the wall and a treadmill and bicycle. Now...if I can just get him to use them! I'd love to add a bowflex and then the room would be done. Well, I still need to find a suitable lamp....then it will be done.

Next I'm starting in on the dining area. I'm so tired of plain off-white walls and long for color. And painting walls seems to be quite theraputic for me. Sort of like I'm getting the house ready to sell because I know the day is coming when he is going to be in a wheelchair and we can't stay here.

At the same time, I've relocated my space to the basement where I can spread out....and most importantly, I am not at his fingertips. He will have to get up and fetch his own drink of water, his lunch....I've told him I'm going to work from 8 - 5 every day in the basement.....and he is on his own. Maybe he will decide to start going into the office a bit more if I'm not a holler away! :o)

So, life goes on. At least the screaming and yelling seems to be put at bay for the moment. He does not seem to be quite so frustrated. But I know his blood sugar is still totally out of control and I know he is not eating right. And yes, I do think he is committing suicide one day at a time. But it is a bit like living with an alcoholic. I can't help him. No one can. And until he wants to help himself....all I can do is take care of me.

Hope you all are doing better as well.