Saturday, July 07, 2007

Feel free to vent here!

Yes, Jean, and anyone else who is the spouse of a diabetic, feel free to vent here. I blog to vent my own frustrations with this disease and it certainly helps to know I am not alone in all of this.

I was reading about caregivers the other day and one of the websites said that a caregiver should do just this....blog, vent, journal. So somehow, I figured this out way before I read it's a good thing to do.

It's sort of like....if I write it down, then I can quit worrying about forgetting it, and I know I need to keep a record of this journey. I need to be able to go back and look at the progression of this disease. I need a place to vent my frustrations and my fears so that I do not vent to him.

I need a way to get through the stress of the day.

So whether your spouse has had this diabetes for a day or 30 years or more, join me in my journey with a man who is refusing to take care of himself, who is near end stage renal failure, who is in denial that there is anything wrong with his body.

Or start your own blog and send me a link....I will add a links section to the side of this. As spouses, we are all in this together and need the support of one another, maybe more than I realize at the moment.

Thanks Jean, for telling your side of the story. I do not feel near as alone as I did a year ago.

7 comments:

Elyse said...

Hi:

I can so relate to your situation. I married my best friend 23 years ago. The quintessential "Angry Young Man" in the Billy Joel Song. Never expected to live past 30, snaps at me, is self-centered, been a type 1 diabetic since he was 6 (1965).

Been to Emotions Anonymous (it helped, but then he felt 'cured' and stopped going). Even writing this makes my insides churn.

It's very hard to find what's still good, still there to love because Scott has hurt me so much. Now, he thinks he's doing me a great favor by virtually ignoring me. TO make this marriage work, I have to make all of the initial moves. He thinks he fine. Yet at times he will admit that he is aware of how he has hurt me.

We do nothing together unless it is of interest to him. It's no wonder that one of my closest male friends is my emotional savior.

Like your husband, Scott's driving can make the Cyclone roller coaster at Coney Island Amusement park seem like a cake-walk. He has 3 motorcycles (riding with him was more of a chore because he would always forget something and then the anger made it not worth the fun of the ride).

So, how low is my own self-esteem that I stayed for 23 years? Better yet, I had the perfect out a couple of years before our daughter was born. He moved out for 2 weeks.

I don't think that I could ever hurt that badly again over him. I thought death would be better than the excruciating feelings I was experiencing. And I told him he either came back now or we got a divorce. So, although he was not ready, back he came.

Oh, and the little chippy that he was paling around with well, that came out later on because he was a bit sloppy with his planner.

For me, the benefit of staying with Scott is in the greatness of our daughter, Jessica. Maybe that was my reason for staying with him until now. However, I can't remain with someone so self-consumed, someone who thinks that they have licked their issues with rage by having to distance themselves from their wife. If I am not the right person, then why not leave?

When asked, Scott has often replied with "I am not going anywhere". When I ask if it is because he has never lived alone as a diabetic, he tells me that this is not the reason (I really don't believe him here).

I don't think the man is capable of love because he firstneeds to have the primal scream with a good therapist over the fact that he has diabetes and it sucks. His parents did not do the greatest job, but the did the best they could. And either he wants to love me and loses the phrase (I'm greatful for you and everyhting that you have done), or he screws on a set of balls and tells me that he is not in love with me in the way that I want to be loved and we end this.

Is it diabetes? Is it a nasty, arrogant personality? Why are some Type 1 diabetic folks nice people? Is there something more? Bi-Polar, ADHD, I can't believe that this is just diabetes related...

Thanks for listening.

Elyse said...

Hi:

I can so relate to your situation. I married my best friend 23 years ago. The quintessential "Angry Young Man" in the Billy Joel Song. Never expected to live past 30, snaps at me, is self-centered, been a type 1 diabetic since he was 6 (1965).

Been to Emotions Anonymous (it helped, but then he felt 'cured' and stopped going). Even writing this makes my insides churn.

It's very hard to find what's still good, still there to love because Scott has hurt me so much. Now, he thinks he's doing me a great favor by virtually ignoring me. TO make this marriage work, I have to make all of the initial moves. He thinks he fine. Yet at times he will admit that he is aware of how he has hurt me.

We do nothing together unless it is of interest to him. It's no wonder that one of my closest male friends is my emotional savior.

Like your husband, Scott's driving can make the Cyclone roller coaster at Coney Island Amusement park seem like a cake-walk. He has 3 motorcycles (riding with him was more of a chore because he would always forget something and then the anger made it not worth the fun of the ride).

So, how low is my own self-esteem that I stayed for 23 years? Better yet, I had the perfect out a couple of years before our daughter was born. He moved out for 2 weeks.

I don't think that I could ever hurt that badly again over him. I thought death would be better than the excruciating feelings I was experiencing. And I told him he either came back now or we got a divorce. So, although he was not ready, back he came.

Oh, and the little chippy that he was paling around with well, that came out later on because he was a bit sloppy with his planner.

For me, the benefit of staying with Scott is in the greatness of our daughter, Jessica. Maybe that was my reason for staying with him until now. However, I can't remain with someone so self-consumed, someone who thinks that they have licked their issues with rage by having to distance themselves from their wife. If I am not the right person, then why not leave?

When asked, Scott has often replied with "I am not going anywhere". When I ask if it is because he has never lived alone as a diabetic, he tells me that this is not the reason (I really don't believe him here).

I don't think the man is capable of love because he firstneeds to have the primal scream with a good therapist over the fact that he has diabetes and it sucks. His parents did not do the greatest job, but the did the best they could. And either he wants to love me and loses the phrase (I'm greatful for you and everyhting that you have done), or he screws on a set of balls and tells me that he is not in love with me in the way that I want to be loved and we end this.

Is it diabetes? Is it a nasty, arrogant personality? Why are some Type 1 diabetic folks nice people? Is there something more? Bi-Polar, ADHD, I can't believe that this is just diabetes related...

Thanks for listening.

Diabeteswife said...

Elyse. Your comments are quite interesting as my hubby has shown some of the same behavior. But I think I've traced to when he is having a low. He can say some pretty mean, hateful things. And then, of course, he doesn't remember that we even had a conversation.

I have tried to tell him how much he has hurt me, but he only denies it because he doesn't remember it. For awhile, I honestly thought I was going nuts. He almost had me believing that he never said those things. And then I started this blog. I now record when he has his moods, his fits...and I know it's him, not me.

My husband will often say to me, "I'm not going anywhere". His exwife moved out while he was away on a business trip and I can fully understand why she chose to leave while he was gone. I think if I ever decided to leave, I would go the same way. I think he would either get extremely mad at me, or make me feel guilty about leaving, or try to stop me.

And you have a good point. Does staying with him mean that I have low self esteem? Is the way he yells and screams when he is having a low contribute to my self esteem? I'm sure it does. There are moments when I don't think I have an ounce of self esteem. But therapy has helped me with that.

All I know is that I am not ready to leave yet. I do love him terribly. But when the time is right, I will leave. And I have no idea when that time will be.

For me, I know that I cannot do some things. I cannot stay with him if he starts to physically hurt me. I cannot stay if he verbally abuses me to the point I can't tell if it's him, or if it's him in a low. And of course, I would leave if his mother moved in with us! :o) I would never stay with him if he had an affair.

Life is too short to give up what life you have left in order to stay with a man who does not treat you right. Living alone can be quite intimidating....but it has to be better than what I see some spouses of diabetics enduring.

Are diabetics capable of love? I believe that you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. And if you do not love yourself enough to at least try to work on getting some sense of control over this disease, then how can you love anyone else? Great question.

Fran said...

I am so pissed as a wife if a diabetic. The man is over 50 and I am his 5th wife. He never takes his meds like he is supossed to, but it's how he treats me that is killing me. I really believe that I going crazy. He won't talk to me but will spend hours on his cell phone that I pay for talking to other females that he has met while visiting his best freind in Atlanta. I'm hurt by his negative attitude and his hurtful word. My dauhter came over because she is cincerned with what's happening. He will shre things with her about our relationship and she dosen't wajt to be involed. As it should be. I sometimes share my frustration with her, so she is in the middle and it's not fair. He was no like this when I was dating him. Because he is now legally blind and his kidney function is down to 25 percent. I guess he feels that he time is near. He is very money hungry. Since we retired 4 years ago he nickles and dimes me about everything. He expects me to finance more around the house so that he will have enough money to pay for his daughter to go to gradute school. He refinanced his house to pay for 4 years undergradute. He does not ask his ex the childs mother for a dime to help with college. He expects me to supplement the funds. He makes much more than I do, yet expects me to pay more that I have. When I took him to a very expensive night out to see a play and dinner, he never said thank you and when I asked if he liked the show he said, what little I could see of it. I was angry, why would you attend a function that you could not see. And I had purchased front row seats. He always tells others that what makes him happy is when I'm happy. Well he is not making me happy yet he he won't admit it I love him but I'm not in love like I was before I retired. He s always on the comuter playing loud music because his hearing is going as well. There is no sex, no communication and lack of financial support.

I'm tired, lonely, neglected and scared. I want to go to counseling. He won't commit. I really feel close to elyse and her story.

Thanks for listening. I think I have strength for tomorrow.

Diabeteswife said...

Fran, my husband also tells everyone that he is happy when I am happy.....yet he continues to do so many things that make me unhappy.

I'm wife # 2. But I can totally see my husband going through 6 or 7 wives if he were to live that long....and if I give up. It's like there is no consideration for what the spouse has to go through.

I feel for you. But I don't think I have any answers.

I wonder if anyone has answers for the spouses of diabetics who have progressed so far.

My hubby is not blind yet. He has had cornea transplants and wears hard contact lenses over soft lenses (yes, 2 pairs of contact lenses at the same time!) and he wears readers on top of that to read. He's about as blind as one can get without being declared blind.

He also always has the volume on blast. But I never thought it was about him going deaf, I just thought he liked the TV loud. OK....new things to think about and research.

Hang in and come back and let us know how things are going.

DW

Anonymous said...

Hi, i'm Nid. I'm from Italy (Sorry about my english)

I'm starting to date a man with diabetes type 1. I'm so scared and sad, he acts the same way you're all describing! He has many outbursts of anger, now and then he yells me so loud, insults me, and blame for everything.

It is first time i meet this kind of personality, first time someone acts so violently towars me, so i go all the time from one side to another. From thinking that he doesn't like me at all, to thinking later that is just because of his sugars going crazy, and therefore wanting to be more compassionate.

What to think? What to do?!

I've found a link that could be useful. I don't know.

http://www.menalive.com/depressjed.htm

Diabeteswife said...

Dear Anonymous:

Run! Run away as fast as you can. And not because he has diabetes, but because of how he treats you. You deserve someone better.

DW