Sunday, February 18, 2007

I am just so tired today!

And I know it's because I did not get any sleep at all last night. Because he was not sleeping. He would get up, toss, turn, the point the entire bed bounced several times over. He had gas so bad the puppies would run out from under the blankets, jump down onto the floor, go under the bed, then come back up and crawl under the blankets....until the next episode. And I was too tired to get up and leave the room but I finally did around 4 am.

I'm pretty sure the gas is a result of an eating binge consisting of Dove chocolate, Girl Scout cookies, potato chips and chips and salsa. Yep...for about 4 hours last night he couldn't quit eating junk food.

Sarah, I so understand about staying away to stay sane. I don't know how much longer I can sit here and watch this man kill himself. But today, I am just too tired to even think about leaving him.

And I can tell that he has gone to "that place" in his mind. Example. He hates going to the grocery store. We talked yesterday about going sometime today. But from past patterns, I know he has to work up to it and it's usually after lunch, late afternoon, before we go. So I got up, put on my painting clothes (yes, the wall painting is going quite slow, but I am on my second room!) and he sees me in these clothes and decides he wants to go to the grocery now.

Had I dressed to go shopping....he would not want to go til later.

It's a total no-win situation with him. So I simply told him I was painting this morning while the sun light is good and that we can go to the store later today, or he can go without me. Of course....he's angry. Of course, it's 9:30am and he hasn't had a thing to eat today.....after a sugar binge last night. And I don't think he got any better sleep than I did.

I'm starting to think it's time for another visit to therapy. He has started on another spending binge and he is looking to purchase some huge ticket items. We can afford the debt....but will he live to pay it off? His credit line is so good no one seems to turn him down. Why is it there's not some red flag at the bank that says "man with diabetes....may not live to pay this back"?

Buying is a sign of sure depression in my mind. He is trying to make his life better by buying something new. Or is it that he knows he is going to die and doesn't care about the debt/mess he leaves behind for me?

We do not need new things. He needs counseling, he needs help, he needs to get out of his denial, to process his own grief, to accept this disease and to learn how to control it and live with it. But a 4 hour sugar binge just sends him into a downward spiral. Hitting rock bottom for him only seems to initiate a spending binge.

Is there anyone else out there who is living with an out-of-control diabetic? How do you sit there and watch them destroy themselves and their family one step at a time? Do you just give up and walk away? Or are you like me, so tired you can't function?

His feet seem to be getting worse. In my mind, I have nicknamed him "the hobbler". He walks on the outsides of his feet, I'm sure to relieve the pain. The lumps seem to come and go in different places, some bigger than others. The drugs do not seem to be eliminating them at all. He wants to do less and less....and thus I seem to be doing more and more. Maybe that's why I'm so tired?

Today, I'm going to clean out paperwork.'s a form of therapy for me. Doesn't require any physical activity and I will feel good when it's all organized and I can find stuff when I need it.

And maybe take a long nap this afternoon and just send him to the store alone! LOL!


whimsy2 said...

Dear Wifie...y'know, you're more than a "wife of a diabetic," although it may feel that's all you are. You're a PERSON. You're an individual with a name and a face and a LIFE! Why don't you give us a name we can call you by? That'll at least be a start.

It appears that you're seeing things quite clearly but haven't the strength to make a positive move. You know what that is, I'm sure. Do you love him enough to sit by and watch him destroy himself? At what point do you cut yourself loose?

This is too, too sad.

Diabeteswife said...

Hi Whimsy. I honestly prefer not to have a name here, I'm trying to keep myself as annonymous as possible. For 2 reasons. I think I speak for a lot of other wives out there who are in my situation. But mostly in the event my husband is reading this. He is in such great denial, I don't think he would recognize me, but he might. Hope that makes sense.

I do know that I am a person. Not sure I have much of a life at the moment...just days that I tolerate more than other days. When I'm tired, like yesterday, I don't have much strength at all. Do I love him? Obviously that's why I have not left him....because I do love him terribly.

But the question has crossed my I love him, or do I just need to nurture him and make him well and that is "love". Since most of us as women have this inate need to nurture our men....

Some days I think it's similar to abuse. An abused child wants nothing except to be closer to the parent that abuses them....believing that if the parent will only love them more, they will not abuse them.

At what point do I cut myself loose? Is that a question with an answer? I have no doubt that I love him and that is why I am still here. I have no doubt that I am watching him kill himself, bit by bit. Do I love him enough to stand by him and watch this through to the end? That I cannot answer today.

For me, not all days are bad days. I live for the good days, the times I can laugh and have a bit of joy in my day. Today was a pretty good day! Mostly because I was gone all day, spending time with a great friend who gives me lots of encouragement. We went shopping, to a movie and then to dinner.

Plus....I got a really good nights sleep last night! That always helps!

Thanks for caring!