Thursday, June 21, 2007

If you had one wish....

what would it be? OK, I know I'm just talking out loud here, but I wonder if there are spouses of diabetics reading my blog, and you had one wish, what would it be? Aside from wishing this disease would go away!

I want to dance. With my husband. I want us to take ballroom dance lessons. It's the reason we met! I put an ad on a singles website posting that I was looking for a dance partner. We met. We went over the local dance class adds in the weekly newspaper.....but we never took the class. It seemed like there was always something that came up. He was always traveling and gone back then (about 9 years ago). Or he had family events. Or he would schedule us to go to a show or play. Every time I tried to schedule a class....one that met one or two nights a week for 4 - 6 weeks....there was always a reason he couldn't take the class. I should have known then.....but I think I was "in love" and just not even thinking!

We took one class after we got married and he did nothing but complain about how bad it hurt his feet. 25 years ago, I was dating a guy who was an Arthur Murray dance instructor and I absolutely loved to dance. I still know how....and I still need a partner! LOL!

Tonight, I think I realized I have to make a choice. I either have to put this dream on hold until my husband dies. Or I can go to dance classes and dance with someone else. He is never going to dance with me. I think I have held out hope for 9 years. But in reality, it's just not going to happen.

Last week, at our vacation spot, he was walking just fine. No problems at all. Even commented on how great his feet were doing. Tonight, he came home after a day in the office, and he can barely walk. He has infections going on in both of his feet. They are horribly swollen and hurt him so bad he could barely make it up the stairs to our bedroom. It's 5 pm and he's in bed. I don't think he's going to be dancing ever again.

So, if you had one wish.....what would it be?

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am enjoying your blog...and sometimes my heart aches for you. I imagine this is so hard for you since you have no control over it. I am glad that you have the blog to vent your feelings. Your honesty is so refreshing. I am a female, but I am the one who has diabetes (diagnosed 1 year ago.) My husband is great, and both of us have yet to "figure this whole thing out." We have 40 years of marriage behind us, so we'll do this together as soon as we figure out "how" :) Anyway---you are doing amazing things for yourself...like giving up bad habits, etc. That takes alot of willpower. If your husband can't dance, hopefully he'll give you blessings to take lessons without him. Keep us posted.

Simon said...

Why should you not dance? If you go and dance then not only will you be having fun, it may also be another thing that will encourage hubby to get his act together.

Diabeteswife said...

I guess I should have explained that, huh? LOL! He has said that he doesn't want me to go without him. He wants me to wait until his feet are "well". And I don't want to hurt his feelings.

I'm really very polite and kind around him..I just come explode, vent and blow-up in my blog! It's how I cope. And it seems to be working for now.

Jean said...

I've been enjoying reading your blog so much. Really, it's like a bit of therapy for me to spend a few moments in this place where someone is walking the same path I'm on.

In one of your previous comments you were talking about how you feel like you've had to go through a grieving process and I can SO relate to that. I had to get past the wishing and hoping (still doing the praying though!) and deal with the reality of my husband's condition, his denial of it, and what that means to him and to us.

Like you, I've come to the point where I realize that my own life is worth living, and I don't want to waste my energy on things I can't control. If I had one wish, it would be that my husband would feel his own life was worth living and he'd do whatever he could to save himself. If that wish came true, it would open the door to so many other wishes being fulfilled.

I too got married with promises of dancing but it was not to be, as tingling and "shocks" from his neuropathy made him terrified of having his toes bumped. As for me, I can't dance without him because I think it would make me feel terrible that it wasn't happening with him. Love is crazy :)

Diabeteswife said...

Bless you, Jean, bless you. I really feel that you fully understand my journey, where I have been and what the road has been like. It's nice to know I'm not alone in this journey. I used to feel so alone, like there was no one out there who knew what this was like. It's a sad kind of comfort. Truly sad. Blogging is a release....and a record of his journey. Thanks for posting.