How can he not know?

It truly does amaze me at times. Ok, all of the time. I joined his staff for a "happy hour" last night and one of his employees was telling me how my hubby was slurring all of his words in a staff meeting 2 weeks ago. I explained that was the meds he wason for his cracked ribs.

My hubby is sitting right there and he says, "I did not slur my words!"

So not only have I told him that he did, but a co-worker also told him. And he still doesn't remember, or worse yet, believe, that he slurred them so bad no one could understand a thing he was saying.

I'm starting to think that the nerve endings in his brain cells are dead! LOL!

And ok, I have to LOL or I'd be sitting here crying.

Current status:

Sleeps in til about 8 am, gets on morning business calls. Takes a long nap from about 10 am - 1 pm, eats a bite, gets on afternoon calls. Day ends about 4 pm and he takes a nap til 6 pm. Dinner. Upstairs in bed to watch more TV about 7:30 pm.

His eyes are looking quite pink around the eyelid this week. But the rest of him is a grey/white. Still in depends 24/7. The tale-tell signs of the toilet bowls are an indication that bowel incontinence is still here. I don't think the meds are helping a bit. He's been on them at least 6 weeks now. No idea how he thinks he going to take 2 trips in the next 2-3 weeks. We will see how he manages.

I plan to bury myself in my art and with my friends while he is away. :o)

Home

I think the man missed me! LOL! But he is in pretty bad shape. His ribs have not healed. Every sneeze, cough, movement makes him wince. I can almost feel the pain. Poor guy.

On the drive home from the airport, I just decided to be gutsy. Told him all the changes I wanted to make. He didn't agree. But he did not disagree. I told him I'm going to go to every medical appointment he has...I don't care what it is. And that he should call his doctor tomorrow and get and OK to fly to visit his parents this week as I don't think he's well enough to go. Wasn't really a demanding conversation as I was joking quite a bit. But I do think he at least heard me. We'll see what happens. But I'm going to push him tomorrow to call his doctor.

He's just so happy to have me home I think he'll do anything I ask....for the next 2-3 days.

Why do I stay?

L wrote:

"May I ask, honestly, why you won't consider leaving permanently?

You are very frank in your blog about your unhappiness and your husband's inability to change his ways. It sounds like you are really a different person being apart from him.

What keeps you there? Is it shared history? Religion? A fear of how he will manage without you?"

Well, in all honesty, I have truly, deeply, honestly considered leaving him. More than once. And it was a huge part of my extended 3 week vacation right now. I needed time to think and come to a turning point in my life. Religion has no part in this. Fearing how he will manage without me isn't a consideration either. Shared history is a big part. Love is a huge factor. I truly do love him. When he is "normal" he is a complete delight to be around. When I have the man I fell in love with....I am at my happiest.

And for now, the times that he is still "here" are worth staying for. I know...love is blind! LOL!

I think what I have learned these past 3 weeks is that yes, I need to take care of the caregiver (me). I need to take a few more breaks. I need to develop a little more of a career/job/occupation for me. I don't know if that will be in art...or if I will return to the workforce. But I need to do something to have a goal, or a reason to be busy a little bit more.

Aren't we all different when we are away from our spouses? I know I'm more rested. I do believe I'm finally over my pneumonia. My chest feels fine....not tight like it was. No wheezing sounds. It's warm here and I've been out walking as well which is great. I forget how much I miss walking when I get cooped up inside the house during the winter snow months. And I've been surrounded by great friends, lots of creative play, loads of smiles and warm hugs, happy reunions and such.

I'm going home tomorrow and I'm going to stay. But somehow, I feel in my bones that things are going to be different. Maybe they have to be. And I can hear a little something in his voice. He had a sneezing attack yesterday and really hurt his ribs again, so he took another pain pill...it made him loopy again. Today, he said he wanted me to come home and tell him if he was ok or not. I told him that from the sound of his voice alone, I could tell that he still had the drugs in him and I asked him to not take another one of them until after I got home. Do not need him driving to the airport under the influence of something so strong. 22 hours after he took the pill, he was still slurring his words. Truly scary.

But my saving grace is the fact that I do know I can walk out any time. I won't do it on the spur of the moment. I will take another break and seriously think about it. But I do have that option. Every single one of us has that option every day of our lives. And I can stay another day knowing that I have that option.

DW

Surviving vs Living

I thought the comment that ended in "we all survive" was so interesting. It got me to thinking about this. Yes, I do know that as spouses of diabetics...we all survive. But do we live?

I've got just a few more days before I go back home. I have been "living"......TRULY living....for the first time in a long time, while here. I haven't had to listen to his angry outbursts. No one has been flopping their body in my bed at night. No sleep apnea with all it's gasps for air. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night for a single thing. Haven't seen a needle, a pricker, any prescription bottle.....

I have been living.

And it's been wonderful.

I don't want to go back to "surviving". I want to continue "Living".

But I know if I go back to him, which I will do, I will go back to just surviving.

I do feel renewed. And I'm hoping it will last a few weeks!

I will probably go into a depression and a deep funk when I get back. You all will have to pull me out of it! :o)

For the moment....I'm going to enjoy the heck out of the next few days!!!

How to contact me

Anonymous. I was starting to worry and am glad you signed on. But I understand, it is a huge risk.

My whole blog is a HUGE risk on my part and it's a very big part of why I do so much to keep my ID hidden. If my hubby could ever prove this was me (like he is going to go search the net regarding non compliant diabetics???) he would kick me out in a heartbeat! And probably threaten me in the process.

A few of my close friends know about this blog. No one else in my immediate life.

But....you can email me :

diabeteswife@yahoo.com

I will check there about once a week to see if I have any notes. And I can share my telephone number that way.

I get tons of anonymous emails, so be sure to let me know who you are!

And anyone can create an email acount via yahoo. I know many do not like to use yahoo....but it really is a safe way to email via the internet in an anonymous fashion.

I know that talking...just hearing another voice, does matter. Knowing that we are not alone...that there are others who share our same fears and concerns, hearing their stories....does help.

I think in the 2 years that I have blogged here, only one other spouse has posted that they stayed with the diabetic until death. I can certainly understand why. It is not an easy journey.

And yes, I know you love him. Just as much as I love mine. But love does not make this an easy life at all. It doesn't ease the pain...if anything, it might make it more difficult to sit there and watch the person you love so much let their life go one cell at a time because they won't follow the rules!

I had dinner last night with a very special friend of mine. He used to be my church choir director. He is a diabetic. He said about a year ago he got so frustrated with all the meds that he quit them cold turkey. His sugar went up to 600!!! I just about came unglued! I told him everything that was going on with my husband and said, "Do you want to be walking around in depends all day long in 6 years???" I could see in his eyes that the "light" was turned on. I think he made some life changing choices last night. It was the first time I had told anyone about my hubby's depends. But I do not want another person to go through this. He is 6 years younger than my husband.

I feel my blood pressure going up just thinking about it! LOLOL!

I think I'm almost ready to go home! 3 more days of teaching classes and shopping, resting by the seashore. It's all been amazingly wonderful!!!

DW

Researching insulin pumps

I guess I should share some of my past "medical research" history. I raised a son who was a severe asthmatic before internet access....and a son who had a severe seizure disorder. In the days before patient advocates. I was their only advocate and spent hours in medical libraries doing research on both their medical conditions. And simply asking pointed questions to their providers in order to get them to think about proper treatment plans.

So I've done the research on this as well. And when someone who provides medical equipment wants to post that 100% of thier patients have had success with their pumps....I will simply hit the "reject" button.

Why? Mainly because I want to hear from the SPOUSE....NOT the patient...that it was a success!

Have I learned my lesson with this disease or what? Non-compliant diabetics are in such denial they will claim success with anything and everything! So if you are a provider....take note, start surveying the spouses. IF the patient even still has a spouse! Talk to the children, How about co-workers? A much better judge of "success" than the patient.

And "Joel", I have an MBA. I know full well that you can make statistics say anything you want. :o) My hubby has a perfect a1c because he has enough highs and lows during a 24 hour period that they balance out to a normal average. So much for numbers!

to quote part of what you wrote, "Diabetes is just a word, not a sentence". I disagree. Diabetes IS a sentence. Every remaining moment of your life totally depends on whether you choose to be compliant or non-compliant. Your moods, your anger, your attitude....is all completely controlled by whether you manage your highs and lows, or choose not to manage them. Diabetes in a non-compliant person is truly a sentence for their spouse and their family.

Anonymous: Yes, it probably is too late for an insulin pump for hubby. If you took one look at his feet, you would wonder how he has managed to escape amputation to this point. Again, hubby refuses to test even once a day. He will only test when he "thinks" he is high. Sigh.

Christine. I think from my research, you are right on. Thank you fo rposting what you wrote. My hubby is not willing to do any o fthis. Perhaps his physicians recognize this and it's why they do not push him to get a pump. Count carbs? He would just guess and enter a number. So I agree, he would be worse off doing things like that.

I know many of you do not believe me, but I am seriously trying to paint a picture of what life is like with a totally non-compliant diabetic. I'm sure each one is different. But I'm getting enough comments from other spouses to start to think there are quite a few common threads that we all experience. Perhaps it's just a whole different world trying to live with someone who is non-compliant. Probably much like an alcoholic who won't quit drinking and is drinking himself to death.

Today, he was in a pretty foul mood on the phone. I could tell he's not doing well. So I'm glad I'm still on "vacation" and don't have to deal with his moods. I'm almost dreading going home. 5 more days of peace and quiet. I'll enjoy every moment of what's left!

Now, you also need to remember that I have a husband who's test strips...the Rx box....is dated 2001!!! That should give you a clue as to how often he will test himself. To even think that he might test once a day? let alone 6 - 8 times a day.....simply put....insane! He is NOT about to do that. So how could putting him on a pump work? It would truly have to be 100% maintenance free. Testing equals maintenance.

insulin pumps

I thought I'd write about them today. My hubby does not have one and REFUSES to get one. Why?

They require "work".

They are not 100% maintenance free.

It is an outward sign of anotherwise unseen disease.

It is an admission that you have this disease, so you really can no longer deny it.

Now remember, this is a man who will tell you that diabetes is a disease of the pancreas AND NOTHING ELSE!!!

And although his kidney function is down to 25%....he will repeat over an over that this is NOT diabetes because diabetes only impacts the pancreas.

He truly is brilliant at finding ways to deny there is anything wrong with him at all. And I do have to giggle....ok, admit it...what guy ever admits his own faults? And I'm sure my hubby sees his low functioning kidneys as a "fault".

And once again, I cannot make life choices for him. He has to do them himself. He has heard the advice of his doctors. He refuses to accept what they tell him is best for him. So no pump for now for all the reasons above. I'm living with a man who has made a choice to die, to live the remaining time he has the way he wants, gobbling down one bag of potato chips and chasing that with a bag of chocolate!

How sad is that?

A joyful day!

I started out getting early to the store where I am teaching while on "vacation". And the owner gifted me with a craft tool that retails for $150.00! What a great way to start my day!

I've taught at this store before and today, the class was filled with women who I've met in the past. So it was nothing short of a grande reunion.

Then 3 more "old" pals showed up to interrupt the class with so much fun, my jaws still hurt from smiling!

I used to live in this city and have been gone for quite some time....so it's always fun to come "home" and see so many of my friends. Women who knew me "pre diabetes". Women who are very blunt about asking me about the dark circles under my eyes....and rather than explaining.. I just laugh and tell them it's my old age!

There was so much joy today. Such a nice change. So refreshing. So uplifting to know that I can still find this in my life. Truly helps to renew the spirit and refresh the soul!

Joy. Have you found it lately?

Ahhhhhh....

Ever have one of those "ah......" moments? I'm having one now! Alone in my bedroom at my girlfriend's house. Quiet. Peaceful. No one next to me with restless leg syndrome or sleep apnea. No one snoring. No one wearing depends. It's just plain quiet.

How I have missed this! To the point where I almost forgot what it was. I can think. I can clear my head. I am just wrapping myself up in the peace, the quiet, the tranquility of all of this.

It's truly wonderful. Refreshing. Energizing. I may have to come back every 2-3 months and get my spirit refreshed! I still have 6 more days here and I plan to enjoy every single moment of it!

Ahhhhh........

:o)

The truly scary part of being the spouse of a diabetic

Dear Anonymous. Rather than go back to the other blogs, I'm going to respond to your comments in a new blog. It's the easiest way I know how.

First...is he still gone? I was a little confused on that one. Did he move out? If it were me, I would get an attorney. I can't begin to fathom and angry diabetic, moving out in a huff, leaving me with children at home. More on that below.

You wrote:

" I have had some issues in dealing with some of the things my normally loving husband said to me during one of his last outbursts. I've been really down. He attacked me on every level - being a parent, my family, my business, my housekeeping, my friendships, and finally my faith. Then he sleeps it off, doesn't really apologize (because I don't think he remembers anything or he's a expert on everyone else) and expects me to just pick myself up by my boot straps & smile & laugh"

That was me 2 years ago. And yes, the words hurt so much that I would cry for days on end. That old saying "sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt" just is not true. Words hurt to the very core of your being as they are nothing less than abuse. And of course he sleeps it off and then expects you to forget just like he has forgotten all about it.

I think it's one of the hardest things a spouse has to endure. The tirades that occur during a low that the diabetic will never remember....but are like a fresh stab to the heart forever to you.

" I have 2 children, so I have to keep a good front for them. He expects the whole world to revolve around him - his day, his recreation, his needs. In my last post I shared I have no one to talk to. Well he stormed out this morning. I was in a wonderful mood - beautiful day. He packed up all of his clothes & he's gone. This was all because when he got up in the middle of the night I asked him if he remembered to take his meds. I ask him this about once a week. He yelled at me, Have you taken yours? I don't take any. Thankfully, our teenage children are oblivious."

You may think your children are oblivious. But they are not. In some fashion, their father's anger is abuse and they are growing up with that. If you read one of my recent posts where I was chatting with the adult child of a diabetic father...she knew she grew up with abuse but had not associated it with her father's sugar lows and was shocked when I explained that he probably had no recollection of it. Yet she remembers it so vividly.

You do have me to talk to now, and a lot of other spouses who are slowly coming forward. I think a natural evolution of abuse is to think it's all our fault, that we are the "imperfect" spouse, that we "deserve" this kind of treatment, or that there is something "wrong" with us. We tend to clam up. To "believe" it is all our fault. Trust me, I was right where you are 2 years ago. I just cried so much my hubby told me I was insane. Of course....he also blamed everything on "my midlife crisis" and to this day...he thinks "I'm better because menopause is over". He is so completely clueless. I am better because I have gotten therapy, I've done the research, I know it is HIM and not me, and I am making choices based on facts, not his emotional outbursts.

It was extremely scary for me to "stand up" to him the first dozen times I tried. But I was (and still am) ready to walk out in a heartbeat. And I think once he realized that, things slowly started to change.

But back to your children. I'm only beginning to realize the full impact of my husband's scenario. His father is a diabetic. So my husband proably grew up in a household with these sugar-low-induced-outbursts. Shall we call them SLIOs? My husband has had diabetes since he was 22 years old. So I am sure he then had the same SLIOs towards his own 2 children. His kids are now in their mid 30s and are both pre-diabetic. His son has 2 daughters. So can you see the pattern that continues throughout the generations?

The difference is that I have identified his SLIOs for the most part and have come to learn that I can either insist we immediately go out to eat (and feign hunger on my part) or I can have my own fight-to-get-your-sugar-high with him. (Laughing here as we need an acronym for that one, too!) But every once in awhile I totally space it out and miss one of his SLIOs.....but eventually I figure out what is going on. And at that point, I realize that it is NOT HIM saying those mean words. It is his body's way of trying to let me know that his sugar is down and I need to help him out.

OK....it's my way of staying sane. Because on some level, he must think those awful things about me if he is going to say them in a low. But I swear, he does not remember saying them at all, will deny he ever said anything that horrible to me and thinks I think them up in my head!

Most of my husband's SLIOs come when I'm at my happiest. When I least expect them. Hmmmm.......

"I was so happy last week that he (after me insisting this was his sugar levels AND he wants to prove me wrong) made an appt to go to Mayo. He has been once before without me. (I didn't know he was going.) The doctor (I think) scolded him pretty bad & told him if he didn't drop 20 or more lbs & get in shape he was getting a pump. So he hasn't been back, just continues to eat and eat. Finally I took the initiative 2 weeks ago in desperation to visit my own doctor. I was really scared, and don't laugh, that he was going to check me into a mental health clinic to save face for himself. Now remember I have not shared what I have been going through with anyone for almost 2 years. He told me he called all of these places about me. HE HAS diagnosed me as bipolar because I "cry all the time". He has never taken 1 medical related course in his life! I admit his outburst the week before, the one I wrote about in my first post, that I really fell apart. I have never had anyone talk that way to me. It was all over me interjecting to suggest my daughter wanted a hard shell taco instead of a soft shell taco. He called me down in front of the waitress like a 2 year old. I just got up & went to the car. All the way home he screamed & screamed. I found myself retreating into myself. I was scared & I hated myself for letting someone talk to me that way and I've heard the same things so many times - stupid, crazy, not good enough, not religious enough... I think I was just about there! I stayed up most of the night just praying. Sad to say, I haven't done alot of that lately."

I really want to cry for you and with you. I can't begin to tell you how many, many, many times this happened to me. Like you, I really thought I was the insane one. My husband was forever telling me that I needed mental help. He could make me cry at the drop of a pin. I realize now it's because I was scared, I had no idea what was happening, I felt like our marriage was falling apart, that it was me...that I wasn't a good enough wife....everything you just wrote. Everything he said belittled me. Everything was my fault. Oh goodness....if he couldn't find an ink pen it was because I had taken all of them! And pray? well...my knees had callouses! I was "weepy" for nearly 2 years. I NEVER talked about any of it to anyone....not even my sisters who I am very close to. I totally fell apart....with each outburst....and it even got to the point where I fell apart if he just looked at me with an angry look.

I didn't want to endure another outburst. I couldn't even handle the thought of it. I remember laying awake in the middle of the night thinking that if I get up to go to the bathroom and I wake him up, he will get so mad at me.....and I would just lay there until I was in such physical pain...and then lay there until he was snoring so loud I hoped I could get up without waking him up. You get to where your whole life is just eggshells and you have no idea what it is that is going to cause an outburst.

Someone asked me a couple of years ago why I had such black circles under my eyes. That was a turning point for me. I realized it was impacting my health and if someone else could tell there was something physically wrong with me, I had to get help. Well...the black circles were from stress and lack of sleep...NOT from him hitting me! Guess I should clarify that!

"The next day one of the people who work under him at his job approached ME & she said things had been terrible for her. I was put in a very awkward position. I told her to do her job and not argue with him. He guessed by something she said that she and I had talked. I have never lied to my husband. I explained to him how it came down and he said I was not to discuss anything else with her. The next day he made me an appt. to go to Mayo, too. After this morning's incident, I've thought about it, and I canceled my appt. and I'm going back to my own doctor here. I feel like the whole reason for me wanting to go with him in the first place was to be there for him & possibly get some information on helping him. I would never go behind his back, but I feel like he wants the docs there to find something on me to take the pressure off of himself."

Your advice to his employee was very good. Do your job. Don't argue. I have started telling my husband that he needs to call so and so back and apologize to them. Or I will ask, "do you realize you were just yelling at that person?" I think we are past the stage where you are....my husband has started to realize that he does not remember some of these things. But I also have learned to tune in and listen to his work conversations (he works from home most of the time) around 10 am....when he seems to take a dive in his sugar levels.

And good for you for cancelling your appointment! Trust me, as women, we know our own bodies so much better than anyone else, so go with your gut feeling on that one.

My husband still will not allow me to go to the doc with him. He will even lie to me point blank about which appointment he is going to in order to keep me away. "It's just the eye doctor today." and then 3 hours later, "well, I messed up, it was the neuropathy guy"! Can you believe he LIES to me? Just proof that he does not want me to know what they are telling him. Well...one, I won't let him lie to the doc and 2, I would then know what he's NOT doing! Such a child!

"I know I'm rambling, but this is the only outlet I have. I can't sleep. I am worried about him. I don't know anyone I can confide in that could talk to him. He is known for being a expert negotiator and a problem solver in our community. What kind of credibility would I have? I'm getting worried how this is affecting his memory, judgement, & decisions as it pertains to our business, too. When he left this morning, he yelled he had had enough & was calling a lawyer. I am heartbroken or am I just in a bad, bad dream."

Sad to say, this is not a bad dream. This is very real. The good thing...you will survive. IF IF IF YOU take steps to protect yourself! Get a lawyer. Go see a psychiatrist. Go through the entire battery of exams to PROVE YOU ARE SANE as he is most likely going to accuse you of being insane. Find a diabetic nurse who will provide you with some counseling. Join a diabetic support group. Even though he may leave you.....he is still the father of your children and a support group can help all of you deal with him and his outbursts even when he is not living with you.

Uncontrolled sugar levels WILL destroy ALL of the nerve endings in his body. So, that is not just the nerve endings that go to his fingers and toes....it will attack the nerve endings in his intestines, his heart, his brain. He will forget things, make bad decisions. It will eventually (if it remains out of control) impact decisions, judgement, driving...everything. He may slip into a coma and not even know it if he is lucky enough to just "wake up". The first time, if like my hubby, he will just deny it happened...even when it happens with a house full of people. And when I called 911 to a neighbor's house when non of us could revive him..he still got pissed at me for doing that! But at least he couldn't deny it happened because the EMTs made him go to the hospital, his levels were so low.

You know, it doesn't matter how good of a negotiator he is, or how important he is. Uncontrolled diabetes will take him down. He needs to do what the doctors tell him to do and he might be able to correct or stall the progression of this disease. But if he refuses to do that....just like my husband is refusing to make any changes at all....then you have 2 choices. You can stay with him or you can leave him. If you stay with him, you have to step up to the plate. I have told my husband in no uncertain terms that he no longer has permission to talk to me in a negative way. And when he starts in, I just say to him in a very loud, stern voice (like I were yelling at a 10 year old) "YOU STILL do not have my permission to talk to me like that". And if he keeps it up, I will get my jacket and keys and walk out. I got that from a therapist and it has worked. Yet I know that any day I may have to leave him permanently. So far, it seems to be working. I just no longer allow him to talk to me in that manner. But I am the one who had to tell him that he could not do that.

What do I have to lose? Anything I say to him in a true sugar low...he is not going to remember.

Think about the example you are setting for your daughter. If you allow your spouse to talk to you in a demeaning manner in front of her, if you clam up and "take it"....you are teaching her that is what she must do if it happens to her. And/or you are teaching both your son and daughter that it is proper behavior to talk to other human beings in that manner. I have learned that it is up to each of us to stop the cycle of abuse....even when it is SLIO related.

Shall I end by repeating, I am not a counselor, therapist, doctor. I only tell you what has worked for me and each situation is different and it could be disastrous for you. I cannot give you advice. Only tell you about my life. Just know you are not alone. There are hundreds of us, probably thousands of us....but I think very few who stay with a non-compliant diabetic until the very end. A choice that I will continue to negotiate every single day.

recovery

He seems to be doing much better tonight and on the mend. He even went out today....so if he can drive he is OK. I wish he would not drive when he is taking such potent drugs, but he said he only took them before he went to sleep last night and he did not sound nearly as groggy this morning.

So I give him til Saturday before the next crisis hits! Have to wonder what it will be. LOL!

Almost funny

He is on such potent drugs than he just sounds high when I call him. I was a little worried that he's not eating, so I called my neighbor and she took him some chicken soup and checked in on him. She said he was pretty loopy when she got there this afternoon after work, but that after eating, he seemed to improve a little. I'm sure she will continue to check in on him now that she knows I'm gone and he's got 3 cracked ribs.

He called just a little bit ago and said he had a bout of hiccups and it nearly killed him. So I suggested that he take his last dose of the pain meds today and just go to bed.

I've never heard him sound quite like he does with these meds. They must be knocking him for a loop. His voice is all slurred....wish I had a tape recorder. I doubt he will remember much of this at all. Heck, he may not even remember that I'm not at home! LOLOL!

3 cracked ribs

from coughing. Well, at least it wasn't a heart attack! The doc gave him some pain meds and a cough suppressant and sent him home. He is supposed to stay in bed. Well...I'm sure that since the cat (me) is gone, that mice (him) will play! Hopefully he got some sleep last night. Our last call was around 2 am and I told him I'd wait til he called me today so he can sleep in.

Maybe next time his mom calls him crying, he will think twice about jumping on a plane to go rush to see her. Maybe he will remember how sick he got on this last trip and now this. But most likely as soon as he's well, he won't even remember this!

He's at the hospital

and I'm sitting here waiting for him to call. He said he had some kind of coughing attack about 2 pm today. He called me then and he said the pain was so severe, he felt like something "popped" and he could hardly breathe. I told him to call his doctor. He called back and they told him to go to ER. But he said he wasn't going.

So I checked in with him about every hour this afternoon and about 9 pm....he couldn't even breathe, so I insisted that he take himself over to ER. He can be such a pain sometimes. He called and he is there and he's just having his little hissy fit about being there. But at least he got himself there. I imagine he cracked a rib coughing....but he does need to be checked out. I checked and I can get a flight out in the morning and be there by 10:30 am. So I'll jsut sit tight and wait til I hear back from him.

In the meantime, I had a totally fun day today, teaching art. Great stress relief!

DW

Dear Anonymous,

You wrote this:

Thank you for taking the time to blog. I am really struggling. My husband is a diabetic. For some time now he has had me convinced I must be going crazy because I would cry, and still do, when he has his angry outburst. I have no one to talk to. He is a very public figure, who has been convinced by his peers that he is on top of his game - perfect life. He receives numberous community and church awards and honors. He's a good man and I dearly love him, but when he's angry he can be so cruel. I have never seen him check his sugar. I have bought him several testers. He has an answer for everything. I even went to my own doctor the other day and asked her if the things he says to me could me true. I am in menopause, which makes me even more sensitive. Can you suggest any good literature to help me out? I have thought about counseling, but he told me not to go without him. I said okay, let's go, but then he changes the subject. If I bring it back up... then here we go again. I am so tired of feeling bad about myself and walking on eggshells.


And nearly brought me to tears as this is just so much of me and I just want to wrap my arms around you and hug you. I completely and totally understand every single moment of your life. I hear my crys coming out of you in so many ways.

And I'm sad to say that there is not good literature out there. The best I have found is what each of us write in our blogs online. Just knowing there is another woman going through what I am going through makes that loneliness a little less alone. Reading that someone else is walking on eggshells, makes them a little less tender.

YOU ARE OK! IT IS NOT YOU! That is in caps for emphasis. This is one horrible, awful, terrible disease and those who have it have absolutly no idea the pain they inflict on their spouses. How can they? They don't remember what they say or do when they are in a true low or high. So if they don't remember....they also can't know. And yes, when he is angry, his cruel treatment of you can actually be totally intolerable. It is a form of abuse. Yet the abuser has no idea they are doing it and will have no remembrance of doing it either.

The thing that really scares me is that I have read of diabetics in lows who will actually strangle or physically harm their mates. So I say, first and foremost, that you have to protect you. If he becomes physical or violent....walk away. Keep a cell phone on you at all time and have it programmed so that one button gets it to 911.

Next, when he starts with the verbal barage or garbage....there are 2 things that I will do. First....get him food. Anything. Fake that you are starving and insist there is nothing in the house and get him to a restaurant. It's a public place. If he gets verbal, you have witnesses. But also, getting food in him does help. It's amazing.

Second, I will literally yell at him that he has to stop talking to me like that. I threaten to leave. I will go to great lengths to get his fight mechnism roaring....because then his blood sugars will increase and his anger will dwindle. Besides....99% chance he is not going to remember a single thing I say! But fighting with a sugar low is a very risky thing if he turns violent towards me.

I believe that most of us spouses just clam up and eventually leave. There is nothing written about this, nothing to support us, and a world of angry diabetics out there who are more than willing to jump on a blog just like this and tell us that we are the nuts, that we are the angry ones, that it is all our fault because we don't love our spouses enough, we don't care enough, we are not sufficient caregivers....oh, that list goes on and on and I'm sure I'll get plenty of anonymous comments for writing this.

But you know what? I have a growing body of evidence that I am right! I have been talking to not just spouses....but children of diabetic parents....adult children of diabetic parents....who are telling me the horrors that they endured as kids growing up in a household with this disease. And how it has impacted them as adults and that they still live with the constant nightmare of what an angry parent might say or do to them. And I very quietly sit and tell them, "it's not you. It has nothing to do with you. And your father/mother/aunt/uncle will most like have no recollection of what they said or did to you."

I blame the professionals and the medical field for not doing more research. But it's the same thing as the heart attack problem. Nerve endings die off. Connections are not made. Diabetics often die from heart attacks. The death certificate will list heart attack as the reason for death. Doctors do surgeries to try and "fix" the problem. NO ONE out there is doing the research to get the word out that it's the nerve endings dieing off from diabetes that causes these heart attacks. No one makes that connection....how stupid are our physicians?

And then you have diabetics like my hubby who will sit in front of a doctor AND me and lie point blank to them about his diet, what he is doing, his physical activity. So you can't really blame the doctors because the patients are in such denial that they can't fess up what they are really doing to themselves.

Find a diabetic nurse that you can go to and simply tell your spouse you are going to a nurse because you need help through your own menopause and they are making suggestions to you for diet and exercise. My own diabetic nurse has been a godsend to me through all of this. She has no problem telling me that I am normal and he is a diabetic. I know that. I really know that. But it is nice to hear it from someone else every now and then!

DW

I do not "need" this!

Notes to me:

1. MIL called hubby today crying. Hubby is beside himself and ready to jump in the car and drive to her "resuce".

2. FIL is not being released to go home. His oxygen levels are not back to normal. They want to put him in rehab. But even if they release him, he cannot be driven home. They will take him by ambulance the 3 hour drive...just in case he needs oxygen.

3. MIL has refused to leave her home and go the 3 hours to be with him. I will never in my entire life understand that decision. So rather than be with her husband, she calls my husband crying and crying and gets him all upset.

4. FIL's kidneys are failing. He does have diabetes. He just had a triple bypass surgery. This does not surprise me at all, but everyone else seems to be going off the deep end over this.

5. My hubby is in no shape to return to theis "mess". He is still quite ill and this evening has lost his voice once again. I'm scared to death that if he gets in the car and takes off, he is going to end up in a wreck and kill or hurt someone else.

6. I called my SIL to ask her to have her hubby call my hubby, hoping his brother can talk some sense into him.

7. Hubby agreed to wait until morning to see what the doctors have to say. Seems they are only "talking" about rehab at this point

8. I am beyond angry at my MIL for even bothering to call my hubby and get him so upset. She truly has no idea how deathly ill her son is....or how much worse this worry is making him.

9. I truly wonder if I'm going to be able to stay at my girlfriend's house for the duration of my "vacation".

10. I'm starting to worry that my hubby is no longer capable of making logical, rational choices. I have to wonder if he is fearing his own death and that's why he is overreacting to his fathers current condition. I wonder if he can survive his father's death?

11. The only reason I am not calling my MIL and screaming my head off at her is that she will only call my husband crying (again) and make matters worse.

I really don't "need" this. But I do think if/when this blows over I am going to call her and truly let her know how sick her son is and politely ask her to refrain from contacting him..that she is going to have to figure out a way to handle her problems on her own. Note..she really is a huge drama queen.

Peace!

Comes in doses of 12 hours of sleep a night! I'm visiting a dear friend of mine for the next 3 weeks....and for the last 3 nights I have had 12 hours of sleep. It is so wonderfully amazing. I can feel my body healing. But more importantly, I can feel my spirit healing.

And I'm making a few decisions. I am going to stay with him and stick it out. I truly do love him. But I am also going to take more breaks....stay with friends, little week long respites for me. And hopefully that will help.

I love it where I'm visiting right now. Warm weather and close to the ocean, so yes, think "south". Just so healing to be near the sea. One of the great loves of my life. And I'm surrounded by friends in the art world and happily designing and creating for fun! Sheer joy!

Every caregiver, every spouse should take a break. It's good for the soul!

DW

A really bad cold

Hubby is flying home tomorrow. He is getting up at 5 am, driving his dad 3 hours back to the big city hospital, checking him in for his triple bypass on Friday. Then hubby will drive to the airport and have lunch with his brother who is flying in from 2000 miles away. Brother will be with their dad for surgery and take him home as my hubby is heading home tomorrow evening.

He caught a cold. A really bad cold. He has been flat in bed the past 2 days. So you gotta ask...what good did it do for him to rush to be with his father?

I'm pretty sure the stress of this got his immune system to the point that he picked up something either on the plane or in the hospital last week. But he called me today and said that it's so bad he just can't breathe. Of course, I told him to go to the local ER and at least get an Rx for an inhaler. But he didn't do that.

So what can you do? And why do I think he might take care of a cold when he refused to take care of his diabetes? So I guess he will just struggle with his breathing. He said he had been sleeping pretty much non-stop for about 3 days now. So how safe is it for him to drive the 3 hours with his dad to the hospital? hmmmm. Pretty hard for me to "not worry" from here...but I'm giving it a good hard try!

It will be good for him to get home. At least he can really rest and hopefully heal. I leave Friday for a 3 week vacation on the ocean with a couple of friends. It will be my chance to completely heal from the pneumonia I had earlier this year. I hope to use the time to recoup, relax, regenerate and come home ready to face whatever is next.

Dad's not eating

So an update. Hubby drove his dad 3 hours home. No surgery. He does need 3 bypasses. Let's see if I can explain....well, at least note what i was told. The local hospital saw 1 open artery, one blocked at 80% and 2 blocked at 100% so they airlifted hubby's dad to a better heart hospital 3 hours away. But when he got there, and the heart specialist checked him out, they decided that since he was not having a heart attack, not in any pain, and it was a Friday night...to release him and schedule the triple bypass for when they have a full staff.

They are supposed to call tomorrow with a date for the operation.

And now, his dad is not eating. Can't keep food down, he's sick to his stomach. So, of course, hubby is beside himself with worry, compounded by the fact that he's exhausted, has to work remotely starting tomorrow morning, and the list just goes on. He sounded completely stressed out tonight. But not much I can do from here.

His dad has had type 2 diabetes for about 30 years, is insulin depedent, is non-compliant (possibly worse about that then my husband if that's possible) and just does not take care of himself at all. Yet he does not have the physical symptons that my hubby has of charcot's foot, gout, etc. If you looked at my FIL, you would not know he has anything wrong at all.

It's been a quiet weekend here. I'm getting lots of rest. :o)

DW

And it happened again

I'm going to quit saying "what next?"

His mom called this morning, crying...her usual drama stuff. They were air lifting his father 3 hours to a heart center to perform a triple bypass. Of course, we both go into over-active radar mood. He books a last minute flight (can we just say mega bucks?) rented a car, got a hotel while I did his laundry, drove him to the airport and came back home.

Now....I should have stopped to think, but I didn't. All I thought about was that if it was my mom, I'd be on the move as well. But I forgot, it is his mom.

And the strangest thing kept gnawing in the back of my mind. She said she couldn't get there until some time next week.

So, your husband is going to have a triple bypass in a city 3 hours from where you live and you can't drop whatever is going on in your life and be with him? I just do not understand that. But then, I don't make any bones about it...I do not understand my mother-in-law and her constant drama.

Anyway, he calls me. He's talked to the doctor. They are going to release his dad. Hubby has to drive him the 3 hours home and then next week, drive him back to do the bypass surgery.

I came unglued. What doctor in their right mind AIR LIFTS someone to another hospital just to have them released and sent home? Well, I have been emailing his brother's wife tonight and we agree...the local doctors just don't want to deal with our mother-in-law! LOL!

But hubby is out a monstrous airplane bill, hotel, car rental....and if he had just waited 6 hours....he would have seen that he did not need to go down at all.

So why am I concerned? Because he does not need any of this stress. He certainly does not need to be driving that 3 hours back and forth. He just took a week to run down there because of his grandmother...now this. Am I seeing a pattern start this year? Ever few weeks there is going to be some type of crisis? I'm ready to relocate to a foreign country! Well....almost!

And now...he says he may fly me down there to stay with his grandmother so his mom can go with him and his dad for the surgery. I'm thinking home care would be a cheaper and better solution. But on the other hand, I will do nothing but worry about him the whole time he is gone.

And my next note to self....he is now wearing depends day and night. So the incontinence has gotten worse. Sigh. I worry that the stress of this will do him in.

I have what I'm calling a "survival" trip planned starting 4/11. I'm planning to fly to visit a close friend for 3 weeks to rest, recover fully from my pneumonia, and take a break from all this. His plans to fly me down to take care of grandma will cancel that trip and honestly, I think I desparately need it right now.

DW

Right big toe

Oh my. It looks like it could explode any second. The base of it is so narrow and the top is totally swollen up. It seriously looks like someone slipped a rubber band around the base. I don't know how he can stand the pain and there just has to be pain because it makes me wince just to look at it.

My sister commented the other day that he seemed to be "out of it".....not really aware of anything going on around him. I certainly thought that today. He seems disconnected from life. It's like I want to say to him...let's take a trip somewhere for the weekend....let's fly to LA and take a mini cruise....I want one more vacation with him before he can't do anything. And I fear we are not too far away from being where we can't get away.

Today, he slept almost the whole day. He is so blessed to have a job where he can pull that off. I wish I could get him to walk....to do any kind of exercise. I'll just continue to suggest it and try every day. Maybe tomorrow will be a little better.

DW

Today's a little better

He truly did watch what he ate today. His mood seemed a bit better. I decided to give Atkins a try for me. I know he won't do any diet, so I picked one I can do for a short time. I decided to quit soda and sugar again and asked him if he would quit sugar to help me out. He said he would, so only time will tell.

Maybe he just senses that I'm at the end of my rope. Whatever it is, it's been a pleasant day around here. Part of the never ending roller coaster ride.

So now he's mad at me

because I asked him if he could please put the depends in the trash and not leave them laying on the floor. He said he forgot. I quietly said he did not forget because he put it on the puppy's potty pad yesterday and didn't pick that up either. He then said that I put it in the trash while he was in the shower and I didn't give him time to do it. I reminded him that no, he had already had his shower, went downstairs, had left the door wide open, the bed unmaid, and we had 12 guests here all day long.

He certainly does not do well with me reminding him of things like this. But on the other hand I am not going to let him blame it all on me. It's his problem, his trash, and I am NOT going to be his nurse maid.

I swear, if I had a job, I would leave him right now. So, next mission, get a job. And at my age, I really even hate to think about trying. But tonight...it's my survival mode talking. I just need to get out of this situation.

DW

Suddenly....I'm just depressed.

My sister was here this weekend. And this morning, she wanted to take me out to breakfast. So we went. She really laid into me and I think I needed it.....but she's gone home now and I just feel so alone. So I need to write to get this out of my system.

She said that she was concerned about the amount of weight my husband has put on so far this year. I said, "I know." She said, "no, you live with him every day and you don't notice the change like we do when we only see him once every couple of months."

Which is true, I know.

She said that his upper arms are so big he can barely drive. Ok. I had not noticed that at all. I do know that his jean size have gone from a 36 waist to a 45 waist. Only because he asked me to go buy him new jeans. I also know that there is nothing in his closet that he can fit into.

I remember hearing about a diabetic when we were kids growing up. His religion prevented him from getting medical treatment. And I remember at church, they said he "blew up". I later asked mom what that meant and she said he just swelled up so much that the circulation shut off and he died.

Is my husband "blowing up"??

And then my sis said that she didn't want me to get in a fight with my hubby, but she thought that I needed to know that she saw him take a bag of candy and throw it on the very top shelf in the kitchen cabinet (where I would never look because it's too tall for me to get into.)

So, is he trying to die? Is he stuffing himself with sugar, eating it behind my back, hiding it in the house.....because he wants to die?

And that's what has thrown me into a blue funk this afternoon. Half of me says....just feed him all the sugar he wants. The other half of me says that I should go find the bag of candy, put it in the trash, and take the trash to the dump! And then there's that part of me that's the nurturing, mothering caregiver that wants to do whatever I can to help him through this. And the other part of me that says, NOT MY DISEASE....and just take a nap!

Somewhere in the middle of all these emotions...there has to be some balance. But I sure haven't found it yet.

I just want to smack every single person who has diabetes that does not take care of themselves and shake them by their ears and scream into their faces...."IT IS TOO MY DISEASE.....YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE!"

OK. I will get past this. One step at a time. But right now....I'm pretty pissed off that he's hiding candy.

I also need to note that he went to the bathroom last night and did not flush the toilet. His urine is near blood red.

And he took off his depends and tossed them onto the puppy's potty pad and just left them there in the corner of the bedroom. OK....yeah, just a little rage over that one. I am NOT his maid and I am NOT going to go around and pick up his depends after him. And I cannot believe he has gotten to this point....too lazy to throw away his own depends?

I am about 2 shakes away from walking out on him today and never looking back. But I'm so completely exhusted and drained that it's not going to be today. All I can do is say a prayer that the good Lord will see me through this round of emotions.

My sister also said that she has noticed a huge change in his personality. He does not care about anything. She says it's like he is in a drug induced fog. I told her that I've noticed he does not answer me when I say something more often than not. And it's true....it's like he is in a fog. He doesn't seem to be interested in anything much anymore. Except watching movies on TV.

It's good to have sisters who come visit on ocassion and can tell you thinks that you miss when you live with this on a day to day basis. Right now, I'm just very tired, and very depressed.

DW

DW

A good break

I'm having an amazing weekend. My sis came over to visit and I have just hosted a charity event in my studio. So many female friends....so much understanding....so much fun.

I didn't realize how much I needed to do something like this....reach out and help someone else who is disabled in a completely different manner than diabetes.

And hubby has tolerated our 5 house guests quite well.

But I wonder if we are getting close to daytime depends. He was doing something a couple of times this weekend where he had to run to the bathroom and the sounds I heard, I knew it was diahrrea. And if I can hear it...then all my houseguests can hear it as well. I wasn't embarrased at all, but a couple of them were. I guess when you live with it, you get used to it and then you forget what someone else might think when they hear it.

So do I quit having friends over? Do I explain to them how seriously ill he is? Do I just ignore it and act like no one else can hear it? Do I turn the stereo on so loud no one will hear it?

Is it just another step in the process? I think I finally realized the truth about why we no longer go to movies. He can't sit through one. Will we stop going out at all because he needs to get to a restroom in a hurry? Or will he wear depends in the day? And my next question...if you have diahrrea that bad....you still need to be near a bathroom...even with depends on. How does one handle that?

I think perhaps my greatest fear is that he will be housebound. Oh what am I thinking? If he goes on dialysis...we won't be traveling anywhere.

More loss. More steps to grieve. More changes.

More reasons to enjoy weekends like this!

Current kidney function

He had it tested this week and it has not decreased any more. That is wonderful news!

So they are going to increase the allopurino. In an attempt to save his feet from being amputated.

I like wikipedia. I know there are better references...but it is usually pretty straight forward. Allopurino.

It says:

"In addition to its use in gout, allopurinol is also commonly used as prophylaxis with chemotherapeutic treatments, which can rapidly result in very high uric acid concentrations due to widespread cell death (tumour lysis syndrome)."

So, the diabetes is killing off the body's cells, the kidneys are failing to process the waste. But a second reason for build up of uric acid is the death of the cells. So he is getting hit with this as a double whammy in my mind. Once from the kidney function and secondly from the dead cells.

The side effect of this drug is worsening renal function, thus the monthly kidney tests at this point.

At this point, I'm seriously thinking I should go back to school and become an endocrinoligist! NOT! But there are moments when I think you can learn more on the internet than any doctor/specialist can tell you. :o)

DW

from my heart

I went upstairs tonight to go to bed, and he had on a pair of depends. I wish I could write what is in my heart...but I'm not sure I can find the words to express myself. At first I thought it was due to bladder incontinence. But then I realized...it's bowel incontinence.

I've done quite a bit of research on this, trying to prepare myself mentally. One of the websites that has more information than most is the Joslin Diabetes Center

And his neuropathy is getting worse. So it does not surprise me. Yet it does. I guess I just wasn't ready to see my husband in depends at this point of our lives.

I can see the outward signs of this disease in his charcot's food, his gout, and his impaired vision. So I don't know why I continue to deny that the same types of things have to be going on inside his body.

Of the types of neuropathy listed on the website above, he has been diagnosed so far with:


sensory neuropathy
distal neuropathy
bladder neuropathy
postural hypotension
charcot joint
impotence

The nerve endings are dying. "It can take up to two years for the pain of neuropathy - which is caused by ongoing damage to the nerve - to be replaced by the numbness that occurs when the nerve cells are more severely damaged. " He has already lost feeling and sensation in most of his fingers and in his feet.

So as I look at him tonight, I do understand (yet fear) that the nerve endings inside of his body are dying. And perhaps that explains why he is in so much pain all of the time.

But what happens as more and more of his nerve endings die off? How long before dialysis. And what "real" value would a kidney transplant be? Just prolong his agony? A kidney will only process the waste in his system. It won't alter the fact that his pancreas no longer produces insulin. It could not reverse the loss that he has already suffered.

I know this sounds horribly selfish, but tonight, I am having a difficult time comprehending that he is now in depends. But at the same time, I am so grateful that he took the initiative to wear them on his own.

I just have to wonder, what next?

DW

Note: He changed his mind on eating healthy. 5 days ago I posted that he had agreed to diet (translate - eat healthier) and then the next day he changed his mind. He probably had a pound of chocolate yesterday, Easter Sunday. And no, I did not buy any of it.

Dieting

He is now up to 250 pounds. He was around 205. And he admitted tonight that he needs to lose weight. So, tomorrow morning...we are just going to eat healthy. I decided against Nutri Systems as I do not think he would like the food and thus he would not stick with it.

I like Adkins...but I don't think it's so good for him....even if he added in some carbs.

I do quite well on Weight Watchers....but he is not about to count points, measure food, etc. And I am planning a trip and will be gone 3 weeks next month and then he is traveling most of May.

So tonight, we agreed on a "plan". Who knows if it will work...but at least I plan to try to help him with it. It's been 5 years since we did a diet together. I know, women should never diet with men. But we seem to do this quite well together. We are simply going to eat a lot of salads and fresh fruit and veggies. If we eat out, we will eat salad. No sugar. Lots of water. Very little white flour, if any. Low carb whole wheat bagels and pita bread. Low fat everthing and we are going to watch cholesterol in food.

He agreed to start walking on the treadmill tomorrow.

At least he is willing to try.

:o)

DW

Obsessive/Compulsive

I had to laugh at the suggestion hubby use "portion control" in his diet. He really is an obsessive/compulisive type of guy. He will sit and eat an entire bag of potato chips. Or a whole bag of cookies. He buys a new train bed, all the buildings, the grass and trees, and new trains and it all still sits in the original box. He will have 5 new suits tailor made and not wear a one of them. He will go out on the ATV for 5 days in a row and then not go again for a year.

It's an interesting thing to watch and I do know it must have an impact on his diabetes. He goest through phases where he will be 100% religious about meds/shots/exercise/diet.....and then not even take his shots per schedule for days on end.

Portion control is just not going to work with this guy.

We are back home and we will do more research on nutri systems today. He did diet and exercise 5 years ago and I've been trying to convince him that it's as good as time as any to do it all again. We will see what today brings. He did confess last night that he needs to lose 50 pounds. Hmmm....probably closer to 100, but we can start with 50!
DW

Survival

Life can be such a zoo. We are at my in-laws. Hubby's dad is diabetic, type 2, as well. His mom has these "attacks" and "spells" which I do believe are her way of getting my father-in-law to pump up in order to prevent a crash. It's so sad to watch. He starts to go into a sugar low, she has an "attack", he needs to "rescue" her which pumps him up and his sugar goes back to a normal. It's a near constant cycle here.

Plus, this time, they have the thermostat set at 85 degrees. We keep ours between 68 and 72. I am just roasting. Even hubby is sweating!

I'm very grateful to have an art buddy here, so for the past 3 days, we have been off shopping, desigining, creating and exploring some places about 2 hours from here that I've never been to before...little tourist trap communities. It's been quite fun, gets me out of this situation during the day and has truly inspired the creative side of me.

So now, after 3 days, hubby is whining and complaining that I "don't love him, don't want to be around him, would rather be with anyone else than him".....so tomorrow, I will give him the entire day. Wanna bet he sleeps the whole day? LOLOL!!!

Hubby has actually been doing pretty well here. I almost think he has to be the "strong" one for his parents.

We are talking about joining Nutri System when we get back home. Anyone have thoughts on their diabetic diet? Hubby has gained at least 40 - 50 pounds this past year and he needs to do something. And he can't do it on his own.

Faith, spouse of non-compliant diabetic

Your blog has been removed and I have not seen you post here since February 8th.

All I can do is say a prayer and hope that all is well.

DW

Never say never!

And will I ever really learn that? We've spent the last 2 days driving 15 hours to his parent's house. And I said I wouldn't make that drive again. However, I do think I convinced him this time that we need to just fly from now on. I was able to rig up a heating pad to an outlet and that helped. He did not have problems with incontenince and the weather was good the whole day. We spent last night in a hotel which gave us some rest.

We used to arrive here and just collaspe in bed for the rest of the day, but we seem to be doing ok so far this afternoon.

He has started his new meds so hopefully that has helped with the incontenence.

Oh, why are we here? He called his mom last Saturday. It was her birthday. She started crying (as usual) and made him feel so bad he told her we would come see her.

He told me she said she wanted to see me, too.

Now, I do know that is a blatant lie..it was just his way of getting me to make the drive with him. I actually thought it was kind of cute. Not that I appreciate the lie....but that he wanted me to come with him. So, here I am. Thinking I will never make that drive again....15 hours in the cab of a pickup truck.....I'm way too old!

I'm sure I will be blogging daily from here to help me get through the stress of the visit. It's just what I do when I'm here.

And how is he? Well, his feet look worse to me. His stomach is totally bruised from the needles. And I've been researching hepatitis C which he has had since high school....and find that he is probably suffering some of the consequences of that as well (liver related problems). His attitude has been pretty calm for the past couple of weeks. I'm going to guess his blood levels are pretty normal. But then, how would we know since he never tests it? Sigh.

Other than that, life is good.

Escape

Yes, I'm escaping! Going to visit my mom this week. I should get some really great rest! And come home ready to face whatever.

Hope all you spouses find a way to escape this week....even if it's just for a thirty minute break. I know we all need them. :o)

When does it end?

Yep, 1:30 am and I'm wide awake. He started out with the CPap on, yanked it off and is thrashing and kicking, gasping, choking for air, and I felt like I was living in an earthquake again. No, I'm not exaggerating at all. I'm in the guest bedroom and can't get back to sleep. I just want to cry.

I would love to get twin beds, but he refuses. He said he is too large for a twin bed, which is sadly true.

I would love to get an additional twin bed to put in our bedroom like a daybed....there is enough room. But he said it would make it too crowded in there and I have to agree that I would still wake up from the snoring.

He takes numerous naps throughout the day and is so tired all the time. Before he went to sleep last night, he said the calves of his legs were hurting so bad....it felt like the bones were broken.

His doctors prescribed him new meds for his feet almost 2 weeks ago and he has not been to the pharmacy to pick them up. Our HMO will re-shelve it after 7 days, so when he does go, he will have to wait to get them refilled.

I think starting tonight, I will just start out in the guest bedroom. Simply because I know that I cannot continue to sleep in a rocking bed.....and I cannot continue to manage with nights where I don't get sleep.

A lack of oxygen to the brain can kill the cells and I do think I am starting to see this. I mean, I can see the logic that when he wears the cpap, he does not thrash and he has more energy during the day, takes less naps, has less pain. Yet he cannot see that. Or perhaps it's "the present is more than the future" so when he pulls it off in the middle of the night he doesn't think about what tomorrow will be like?

I truly feel like I am watching this man die right before my eyes and there is not a single thing I can do to stop the process. He is in the driver's seat making all the decisions, going about 120 mph down the road and keeps taking his hands off the steering wheel. And I'm sitting here next to him with my hands over my eyes screaming my head off!

I met a wife

of a diabetic who is much worse than my husband. He is currently in the hospital with a heart that operates at 20%....after getting a pacemaker installed. The doctors told her they don't know what's wrong. And I just wanted to scream...but I didn't! :o) I am sure his nerve endings are shot. He's been in a wheelchair for years. He, too, eats potato chips by the bag and anything else he wants.

And I wonder....no, I know, this is where I am headed.

In the past 2 weeks, I have buried myself in a project for charity. A young 15 year old girl that I know is going to be doing a walk and I am raising funds to support her. It's been good. It's taken my mind off everything going on here.

Hubby has not started his new meds yet...he "forgot" to get his Rx filled. Swears he will go pick them up tomorrow. But he has been down with pain in his back so severe that he can't walk. He "promised" to call the doctor tomorrow about that as well.

I just go hide in my studio and play with my art! It is my escape!

And I'm over my pneumonia. Thank goodness. Still quite weak and taking lots of naps....but I have a clean bill of health from my doc. It was not contageous and he said I might have gotten it from working in my basement studio, so we did go out and buy 2 huge space heaters this week....it is definitely warmer down there now!

It's always sad to meet someone who is worse off than you are. But on the other hand, it truly makes you thankful for what you have and where you are in life.

Guilt

A few months ago, my husband's uncle passed away. This is his mother's brother. No one told us about the death until a whole week later....too late for flowers even.

Yesterday, we got an email from his brother's wife that his grandmother (his mom's 91 year old mom) had fallen in her apartment and broke her neck and is in ICU. It happened FOUR days ago!

His parents both have cell phones and 2 additonal phone lines in their house. Yet they cannot pick up the phone and call him and let him know what is going on. His mom lives a 3 hour drive from her mom. So now, my hubby wants to fly to the nearest time which is 2 hours north of his mom, rent a car, drive to his mom's, pick her up and drive 3 more hours to take his mom to see his grandma. And then make the 5 hour drive back to the airport and fly home.

He was ready to drive to the airport as soon as we got the email. It's that knee-jerk reaction that he has to take care of things right now.

But I know that he is in no physical condition to make a flight/drive like that and I can't possibly go as I'm still flat in bed wiht pneumonia. So I had him come sit down by me and we chatted for a little bit. And I think he came to his senses when I suggested the 10 hours on the road with his incontinence. I think he heard that. But I am really struggling with the instant decisions that he has been making lately. He agreed to call his mom tomorrow and see if she is even physically able to make the drive. She is 76 and has shingles which have gone to her head with trigeminal neuralgia and blindness in her eye. I just don't think she is in any shape to make the 6 hour drive.

I don't even really understand why he thinks he has to do any of this. I go back to the "we do what we have to do in this life" thing. When my grandmother died, it was the day my oldest son was going to have surgery to insert a steel pin into his hip. There was no way I was going to leave him at the age of 14 and go to her funeral. It made me quite sad, but I also knew I could not go. We just can't always be in all the places we want to be at the same time in this life.

My husband hasn't figured that out just yet. He still thinks/believes that he has to be the hero in his family. I think it is some type of guilt driving this need in him. I wish he would just give that up and focus on healing his own body. Incontinent, feet deformed from tophi gout and charcot's foot, back pain so severe he has barely moved all week long, a body that is swelling up right before my eyes due to kidney function declining....and he feels some compelling need to jump on a 3 hour flight to rent a car and make a 10 hour drive and a 3 hour flight back.

I feel like I could write the whole script for an entire season for the TV show "Just shoot me". I think I'd give new meaning to that term!

DW - trying to find an ounce of humor tonight.

Liar again

I've noticed the past several days that he is back to taking a 6 pm shot. So tonight when he went upstairs to take it before dinner, I asked him when he changed back to 3 shots? He said, "I never quit."

Thinking how he often twists the questions I ask to give me the answer he wants, I said, "you said awhile back that you were quitting the 6 pm shot."

He said no, that he has always taken 3 shots a day.

So I found my blog where I noted he was changing to 2 shots a day:

"Creatinine level"

And I swear that he did quit the 6 pm shot...in fact I know he did.

So why lie? Did he really forget that he quit taking them? Can he not remember telling me he quit taking them? Maybe he quit for just a few days....but I seriously think it was more than a few weeks.

Either he lied back then or he is lying now.

Just makes me want to say "I don't care...do what you want with your life".

Problem is that when he goes on dialysis, if I'm still married to him, I will be the one taking care of him. And I honestly do care what he does because it has a huge impact on the quality of our life together.

Sigh. Maybe I should take up boxing so I'd have something to punch!!! OK, just kidding..I'm way too old for boxing!

A civil discussion re diabetes

Something is happening with him. It will be interesting to watch over the next month or so. He came home from the doctor this morning and sat down right next to me on the sofa. Note...I'm still pretty sick with this pneumonia. He said, "well, do you want me to bring you up to date on what the doctors are saying?" I jokingly said, "is it good or bad news?" He said, "well, not so good". So I decided...not a time for jokes!

The doctors cannot agree on how to help him.

The urologist wants to start him back on the drug that made him incontinent. I asked if he was going to buy depends and he said he did not have an option. He is not voiding everything and they need to help him clear everything out.

The rheumatologist wants him to start back on colchicine to reduce the uric acid build up in his feet. If the tophi gout does not decrease, he is looking at both feet being amputated.

The nephrologist does not want him on the colchicine as it impairs and further reduces his kidney function levels.

So the primary care has agreed to start the colchicine again with monthly kidney function tests.

He was just is a very pensive, quiet mood, the whole time he was explaining all this to me, so I decided to push the envelope and asked if anyone had discussed nerve ending damage in his heart and he said no. I suggested meeting with an endocrinologist once again....thinking that would be a place to start. He agreed, but said he thought they would just send him back to the diabetic nurse. And I said, "well, she might be a place to start with that line of questioning. I just think someone needs to be looking at this."

I then (deciding to push a little more) asked him if he had given any thought to going out on long term disability at work? He said he was starting to think about it. I told him that once they diagnose him as ESRD, then he should apply for disability, SSA and medicare and get the ball rolling. But that he needed to start discussing this plan with his doctors now as they ultimately would be the ones to get this approved for him.

This is the first time ever that he has even been willing to discuss disability. And no one got upset!

So I then made the comment that I heard the housing market was going to turn around in 2009 and I thought that as soon as it did, we should sell this place and downsize to a 1 level place. He just said, "I think you are right."

At least the seeds have been planted for future discussions on what I think are 2 major changes we will need to make.

The sad part of our conversation is that he thinks he will not be alive in a year. I jokingly said, "oh, no you don't! I know the statistics. You have 5 more years before ESRD and then you have 10 more years at least!". I just don't want him to be thinking suicide thoughts because I know that leads to depression.

I am so thankful that he is at least seeing more and more doctors, that the doctors are at least finally talking to each other about what drugs are best for him and that we are moving forward. I think that perhaps my discussion with his diabetic nurse last week has done some good. I have a feeling she heard my desperation and took it to heart!

Now, back to getting me well so I can help him a little more.

Is it the flu or am I just worn out?

I've been sick since my last post. And flat on the sofa. So I'm getting rest...if nothing else. No fever. Really deep cough, but nothing "green". I still contend this is just my body's exhaustion and I'm allowing me to rest.

The diabetic counselor did call me back. She accidentally confirmed that he has never seen the diabetic nutritionist. And she agreed I need counseling. She said, "if I were your sister, I would agree with you, you have 3 choices...stay, leave, or keep things the way they are and I would tell you to get counseling." I told her that just hearing her say that to me helped.

Because I am not diabetic, she cannot counsel me without him. I have to go find a counselor through the normal HMO way. I will do that...when I'm feeling better. Right now, I'm just taking lots of naps, drinking lots of fluids and trying to get myself well.

And no, I can't even comment on how he's doing other than to say he is keeping his distance from me as he doesn't want or need to get this in the event it's something contageous.

From that respect....I'm having a bit of a break this week.

Part of the problem is just me

I was awake most of the night, and know I'm coming down with something. So perhaps part of my feelings when I posted last night were just being exhausted from the start of a cold. Knock on wood, I haven't been sick in about 4 years now. I'm hoping I can divert this one...will start on mega doses of Vitamin C as soon as he gets up.

Slept on the sofa....off and on, sore throat, ear hurts, chest congested. I think it's just exhaustion. We've had house guests almost non-stop for 2 weeks....I've been trying desparately hard to keep life on an even keel with no outbursts from him...so I've been suppressing a lot of my own emotions and feelings. Last guest left yesterday....my sis is returning today or tomorrow...it's a little less stressful with her here. She knows everything that's going on and I don't have to try and cover up so much....but I still do.

Think I will just stay in bed today and try to sleep this one off. Can't really afford to "crash" until about next Wednesday. Have to giggle on that one....But it's what I'm doing today....self-talk....I just can't get sick just yet! :o)

So, as the spouse of a diabetic, why do we continue to cover up for them? And I know that we all do it....on a regular basis. We don't want our friends to know what we really go through? We don't want others to talk about us? I sort of think it's a normal process regardless of what "problems" go on in a family....and diabetes is a "problem" when it comes to outward behavior of someone who is non-compliant.

Maybe Vics Vapor Rub will solve more than just my sore throat today! LOL!

Yes, I can "dream". :o)

Time to see a counselor

Me. Yes, I've requested an appointment to get some counseling as I know I need help. He has just started to lie about everything. Today, he said he had errands to run. I know it's not errands...he's going to the doctors. And he's not telling me because he knows I want to go...and if I go, then I will know what they have told him...and if I don't go, then he can lie to me.

So I asked him if he had ever gotten in to see the Endocrinologist. He said no, they sent him back to the nutritionist who changed his insulin.

!. When did he go to the nutritionist? Because he sure didn't tell me about that visit.
2. She is the person who first changed his insulin...upped it to 3 shots a day. His MD changed it back to 2 shots a day. We jsut seem to be on a merry-go-round with this. He bounces from one doc to another and each one changes his meds. That's why I want him to get into an endo....as they can then be the one to oversee all the changes in his meds.
3. His HMO is self referral. He can call an endo and get an appointment. So why on earth doe he think I'm going to believe that "they" sent him to the nutritionist?

I am just so sick and tired of all of this that I called and requested an appointment today. I need help in accepting his lies. I need help in knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. Today...I'm just so dang tired that I can't even think about it...past the fact that I know I need help.

I just don't even want to be in the same room with him. I just look at him and think "liar". I try so hard to rationalize that this is his choice. He has made a choice to live his life exactly as he wants and I have no input into it. My option is to sit here and watch him kill himself. Oh yes, note: He sat here yesterday and ate piece after piece of chocolate candy and today, he ate 2 whole chocolate bars, 4 slices of pizza and had fast food for lunch. He won't eat a thing that I offer to fix him....tonight was grilled chicken. He pulled out a frozen pizza. Sigh.

I know I'm starting to get angry and bitter. I'm tired of biting my tongue, but if I say anything, I know it will just end in a huge fight. And I know I'm tired because he is not using the cpap and I'm not sleeping at night. Think tonight I'll just stay on the sofa. It's hard on my back....but at least I sleep.

At this rate, he may well outlive me. I'm hoping that tomorrow, I can get back to my usual happy self.

A friend said to me today that we marry "til death do us part". So I asked her if that had to apply if the other party was intentionally bringing on their own death. She looked at me so stunned and said, "good question. no answer"

Perhaps that is how it is to be....there is no answer for those of us who live with this disease, but do not have this disease.

Back on the roller coaster

Why do I stay? I love the highs and hate the lows? The never ending roller coaster when I don't know whether to jump off or stay on? I just don't know.

Seems we are in a low right now. He is having severe headaches today and everything has him upset. I should have posted yesterday, but I almost knew he would provoke a fight tonight and go to dinner with his group without me. I can read him like a book. He just did not want me there. So rather than just say that, he came home with a headache, yelled at me, and left without me. No biggie....I took my sis to the movies tonight and we had a great time. Came home and he is in bed so I came down to the studio for awhile.

What I don't know is when is it just him, when is it a sugar low, when is it a bad reaction to new prescriptions? What I do know is that in another week or 2, we will be out of this and back to a normal routine.

So, I'm just going to say it. He's having his group here Sunday for superbowl. No one else's spouses will be here. I'm sure he doesn't want me here. So I'm going to assume that Sunday morning he will provoke another argument so great that it will piss me off and I will walk out. HA! What he has forgotten is that we have a houseguest all next week and I have to go pick her up at the airpot at noon on Sunday. Should I just go ahead and remind him that I won't be here. No, I think I will wait and see if my forecast comes true. He is just so predictable it's almost funny.

There are those who would say this is just a bad person behaving badly. But I still tend to think that these cycles come and go and it all ties around what is going on inside of him. He is truly swollen and puffy this week, retaining fluids again, and has a gout infection in his hand. He's on additonal antibiotics for that, has eaten every single meal out this week and seems to be hell bent on his own personal destruction.

Maybe I'll sleep on the sofa tonight just to get some rest. I'm sure he won't have the cpap on when I go to bed. I'm sure he will have the restless leg syndrome all night long. Am I being cynical? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just laying it out like it is. At any rate....I just wonder how much longer I'll be willing and/or able to stay on this ride. Right now, I'm pretty tired of it.

My stress on his stress!

I can't handle much more of his stress this week...my stress is getting too high! LOL! Oh dear, let me make some notes here. He has an annual unofficial team meeting for his staff at work. It's about 2000 miles from here. So this weekend, everyone is coming here for what they are calling a "pre-planning meeting". They all have to pay their own way...totally unofficial. And he has been in a complete mood all week long.

My sis is here visiting. Well, rather, she is stuck here as her car is in the shop getting repairs. The second day she was here, she said, "he looks bad. He looks really bad." He is totally swollen and all puffy again, but we did this 3 or 4 months ago when everyone who saw him thought he would be dead the next day, but he wasn't. He does look like he's gained another 20 pounds at least. And I'm sure he is just miserable and has the stress of his staff being here.

Last night, he came home after a dinner with them. He just snipped at both of us. He barely looks at me...absolutely no communication with anyone, just goes to bed and turns the TV on. Sigh.

This morning, again, nothing. I asked quietly if he was ok and he just snapped at me. So yeah, just leave him alone and let him get through this on his own. They have an event tonight, an all day long event tomorrow, then here all day Sunday to watch the super bowl. So I'm busy cleaning the house, getting ready to have them all over here on Sunday. Do you hear my huge sighs? I'll just go get lost in my studio for the day...it will be fine.

But this stress that he is going through....it's just not worth the stress it's causing me. And I'm sure he just wants to make sure his staff has a great time while they are all here. Maybe it's really time for him to retire...or at least consider disability.

He is not eating properly at all. I think he has had every meal out this week with the team. And no sight in end for that until Monday. He has not been using the cpap at night, so I'm sure his lack of solid rest is not helping him at all.

I am giving up for the moment. Will just try to get through the rest of the weekend and see where we are on Monday. Hope your spouses are doing better than mine this week.

DW

Communication

How do you communicate with someone who is having a sugar low? Do you yell at them trying to snap them back into reality? Do you just walk away knowing that nothing is going to work? Do you talk to them in soothing tones thinking it will all get better?

I like to mix it up and try different things, but I swear, yelling is what works best. He seems to "snap out of it" and get back to reality. I haven't quite figured out yet if it's the tone of my voice, if it jars him back to earth, or what...but it does seem to work.

This evening, I think he was so low, he was nearly passed out. He was laying on the sofa and did not respond to anything. I shook his shoulder..nothing. I raised my voice, nothing. I yelled at him and he slowly turned his head to look at me and started to talk. I asked him if he was OK and he said he didn't think so, so we got him something to eat. Note...I had been out all day and I don't think he ate breakfast or lunch. Sigh.

You would think that this grown man could fix himself somethin to eat when I am not here. But alas, seems he can't even warm up leftovers!

It's 6:48 pm and he has gone to bed. My sis is here and she thinks he could have a heart attack any day. I think he could like this another 30 years. Just asking these questions of myself...I think I will continue to yell at him when he doesn't respond as it seems to work..for now.

Keeping a diary.

Carly wrote:

mY EX BOYFRIEND (WE BROKE UP LAST WEEK) suffers with diabetes type 1 for 20 years. He decided to break up with me because he suffers from depression and he cannot think of anything else but his condition. I am 34 and he is 39 and he is also scared of having children, that was another reason for breaking up with me, he says I deserve better than this. He is a gorgeous great person, but his diabetes is a great problem influencing his life and relationships. I was very much in love but he decided to save me from having to deal with his problems. He isolates himself because of the disease. I am heartbroken and devastated, but reading your diary gave me some support, cause I think it would be vey difficult to have a life with someone who suffers from that. I was willing to stick by his side but he just gave up on us and relationships in general (so he says). I feel really sorry for you but hang in there, there is always a p[urpose for things to happen in life. I hope you find a way of copying with him and honestly most diabetics suffer from depression and therapy would be great for both of you.
xx C.

I truly understand the feelings of a love lost. And I do know what it is to live with a diabetic who has bouts of depression. I think my hubby has decided that loneliness is worse than depression. But he went through a phase where he had to make that choice. He was married before for 22 years. He had 2 kids. Diabetes is inherit in his family. His daughter is hospitalized at least once a month for painful kidney stones and had cysts on her ovaries and had both of them removed. Both of her conditions are pre-diabetic. She will never be able to have kids. His son is also showing signs of pre-diabetes and has gone on a very strict diet trying to prevent it....but can he? My husband's father and grandfather were both diabetics.

I think the fact that his kids have these problems just adds to his depression.

It is not an easy life at all. I have given up all sugar....and I'm not the one with diabetes. I've converted a guest bedroom to a workout room. I make sure we eat 3 meals a day, that we eat healthy, that he takes his meds. I watch for changes in his skin, open sores that he cannot see or feel (like on his back). But mostly the mood swings due to his ongoing depression. Well, that and the side affects from all the drugs he is on. He has gained 40 pounds this past year and that is not helping his depression. But he went through a phase where he could not walk at all....which depressed him, and all he wanted to do was eat.

Would I do it all again? I just do not know. I fell in love with him before his kidneys started to fail, when he was active and so much healthier. So I stay with him because I'm in denial and I hope this will go away and the man I fell in love with will return. Yet I know that will not happen. :o) All I do know is that I would not wish this disease on anyone.....and I would not wish that anyone be the spouse of someone who has this disease.

Writing this diary is what gets me through it all.

We are not having a good week. He is back to hobbling....feet so swollen with charcot's foot and gout. I don't know how he handles the pain. He is quite grumpy. I'm painting the guest bedroom to stay out of his way!


DW

Beyond Exhuasted (again)

I got 3 hours of sleep last night. Woke up to his flopping in the bed. He had taken his Cpap off again. I went downstairs to the family room and laid on the sofa. Tossed and turned...just could not go back to sleep. We got up at 5 am, were supposed to do a getaway weekend and take a train....which has been delayed for 5 hours. So I'm now back in bed, he's downstairs. I want to go to sleep so bad...but he has the TV so loud that it is vibrating the walls.

I've been praying all morning long for some sleep...I don't care what it takes.

I also asked him if he was taking the cpap with him this weekend and he is not.

I think the next time he wants to do a little getaway....I'll just tell him to go without me. I don't know how much longer I can go on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I'm so exhausted right now I'm shaking.

It's 1:30 am...

and another sleepless night for me. I think we are headed for separate bedrooms...but at the moment, I'm in the midst of painting the guest bedroom, so I'm on the sofa again tonight.

He does have a humidifier on his cpap machine. He just takes it off every night somewhere between midnight and 2 am. I did ask him again today if he needed to go have it checked or calibrated and he said he would make an appointment. It continues to amaze me that when he uses it, he does not snore, but more important, he does not bounce on the bed flopping his legs. The moment it comes off...the constant flopping on the bed starts in which wakes me up. I can handle the snoring because I can stick in ear plugs. But I can't handle the constant bouncing on the bed. Seriously, he flops so hard my whole body is bounced off the mattress!

Sort of funny....would make a great "I Love Lucy" comedy routine! But after 6 nights of waking up and not being able to get back to sleep....I'm pretty close to a meltdown. Hopefully I can get back to sleep in a few more minutes. Or at least within the next hour.

Here's hoping that we can find some resolution to this in the near future. Tomorrow..the eye exam he lied about last week. I have to wonder...is this really an "eye exam"? :o)

DW

Parkinsons (and more stress for me)

He left today saying he was going to the eye doctor. So I didn't even bother to ask to go. He came home and said he made a mistake, today was his doctor's visit, the eye exam is next week.

I have to wonder....was that just one huge lie because he didn't want me to go?

Just so maddening. I'm just ready to throw in the towel....let him eat whatever he wants and just kill himself.

How can you mix up an eye exam and a doctor's appointment? Because you don't care enough to remember? Yeah...I think that's it.

So....his doctor did agree to refer him to an endocrinologist. But I just wonder if that's another lie. Time will tell. In the meantime, this one added a new drug to help keep his prostate from getting even bigger. And added a Parkinson's drug.

I need to go research this last one. He says he does not have Parkinson's, but his hands have been shaking lately and it is getting increasingly worse. To the extent that he cannot pick up food with a fork. He says it's related to his carpel tunnel syndrome. He's had 3 surgeries for that and it's supposed to be "healed". But he claims that is why his hands shake.

Tonight....I just think the only thing he knows how to do is lie. I'm so fed up with it. And it's most likely that I'm just tired.

I asked if he asked about a pump and he said his doc told him to wait until he saw the endo. Hmmmm...think there is an ounce of truth in that either?

I just keep asking myself, "what next?"

How time flies

I hadn't logged on in a few days, so sorry the comments didn't get posted until now. Thanks for all the thoughts on the CPap. He does have a humidifier and he also has the chin strap. He has not been in for the adjustment yet, but I am hoping that will do the trick. Last night was the first time in weeks that I actually slept in our bed all night long. It felt good!

I've fixed up the guest bedroom with everything I need and have been sleeping in there, so I am feeling a bit more rested. But he misses me, so he is really trying to keep the cpap on all night long.

He's also going through a rather stressful time at work. They are doing another round of reductions (huge corporation) and he is going on site all this week. At least his feet are healthy enough at the moment that he can walk. But man, is he yelling and screaming around here a lot! Fortunately, I have been able to tune it out for the most part, so either I'm getting used to it, growing immune to it, or have decided to just ignore it. For whatever reason, it's much more tolerable now than in the past. I do know that when he gets really going, I just calmly remind him that he doesn't need to be yelling at "me"....that I'm not the problem and that does seem to calm him back down. There are moments though when I wonder if he is going to have a heart attack!

I did move my studio to the basement last year and that has been a life saver. I can go down, shut the door, and get some peace and quiet there! I've been calling it my "cave" lately! LOL! Maybe every spouse needs a cave to go hide in! ha ha! OK...at least I still have a bit of my sense of humor about me! So it's still a good day!

Sue, happy to have you among the posters here. Think about starting your own blog....a place to record the ups and downs of your journey with him, a place to record his ups and downs....I find it's a great release. And along the way, I've come to find that I'm not quite so alone as I once thought I was. You have to get past all the naysayers out there.....but there are other spouses who know what you are dealing with. It really does help!

DW