Thursday, May 01, 2008

Surviving vs Living

I thought the comment that ended in "we all survive" was so interesting. It got me to thinking about this. Yes, I do know that as spouses of diabetics...we all survive. But do we live?

I've got just a few more days before I go back home. I have been "living"......TRULY living....for the first time in a long time, while here. I haven't had to listen to his angry outbursts. No one has been flopping their body in my bed at night. No sleep apnea with all it's gasps for air. I haven't woken up in the middle of the night for a single thing. Haven't seen a needle, a pricker, any prescription bottle.....

I have been living.

And it's been wonderful.

I don't want to go back to "surviving". I want to continue "Living".

But I know if I go back to him, which I will do, I will go back to just surviving.

I do feel renewed. And I'm hoping it will last a few weeks!

I will probably go into a depression and a deep funk when I get back. You all will have to pull me out of it! :o)

For the moment....I'm going to enjoy the heck out of the next few days!!!


Lyrehca said...

May I ask, honestly, why you won't consider leaving permanently?

You are very frank in your blog about your unhappiness and your husband's inability to change his ways. It sounds like you are really a different person being apart from him.

What keeps you there? Is it shared history? Religion? A fear of how he will manage without you?

Anonymous said...

This is my first post and I'm going to stay anonymous too.

I have been with my husband for 12 years and he has been diabetic for ten of them. He has Type 2. We are both 37 and are both college educated professionals.

When he was first diagnosed, he did well with his diet and checking his sugar for a couple of months. That was in 1998 and he has not done a thing since.

He has his meds, but I have no idea if he takes them or not. The glucose monitor has not been used since 98.

His cholesterol is sky high, he weighs almost 300 lbs and is showing the first outwardly physical signs. Cuts and bites on his legs take months to heal (if at all). Luckily, they are not open wounds. They do, however, look like they are perpetually in the healing stage, but never completely heal.

We haven't had sex in months and he seems to think it is from his anti-depressants (he takes those for IBS). I'm sure the anti-depressants probably have something to do with the impotence, but I know diabetes definitely is a factor.

He has sleep apnea and is constantly sweating, often profusely. He also has RLS and back problems.

I have tried every approach I can think of--nice, nasty, friends, medical professionals, removing food, etc.....he is fully aware of the risks and what he needs to do. I have been trying since the first year. If I remove all temptations from the house, he will simply go out and buy a box of snack cakes and eat them at once.

We have a 14 year old daughter and even she has tried talking to him about how much it hurts her to see him doing this to himself.

I am fully aware (and have always been aware) that the only person who is going to change my husband is himself.

I am at the point where my mind has been running wild. I think about what I am going to do when he is gone and how I had better start financially planning for when it does. I recently shared this with him. I feel emotionally detached....

The worst part for me is that when I sleep at night, I dream about other men. Since it has been such a long time since we have had sex, I find my dreams are increasingly filled with extra-marital affairs.

I told him at New Year's this year that this is his last chance. He has to start trying to make an honest attempt at getting his diabetes under control.

My last ditch effort will be counseling. I am so physically and emotionally tired. I am in graduate school and work 60+ hour weeks. My teen is in the rebellious stage and I have to deal with the hubby's health problems when I get home. I want to escape to an island far away.

I'm not looking for sympathy by posting this, just an opportunity to vent.

Thank you for your time!

Diabeteswife said...

Anonymous, I feel so sad for you. You are both sooooo young. Only 37? Imagine how he will be when he is our age...15 years + older. 15 more years living with this disease....if he lives that long.

I don't think you are alone with any of your thoughts, feelings, desires or dreams. I think we have all had them at one time or another. Impotence is a really hard part of this to deal with.

Maybe counseling should not be a "last ditch effort". Maybe it should be something that you seek as just another step in the process. And if you don't like what one counselor says, try another one. Nothing wrong with "shopping around" til you find one that has some good suggestions for things to try.

But bottom line, you are right, he has to be the one who wants to change.

Lyrhca, see my blog today.