Friday, February 01, 2008

Back on the roller coaster

Why do I stay? I love the highs and hate the lows? The never ending roller coaster when I don't know whether to jump off or stay on? I just don't know.

Seems we are in a low right now. He is having severe headaches today and everything has him upset. I should have posted yesterday, but I almost knew he would provoke a fight tonight and go to dinner with his group without me. I can read him like a book. He just did not want me there. So rather than just say that, he came home with a headache, yelled at me, and left without me. No biggie....I took my sis to the movies tonight and we had a great time. Came home and he is in bed so I came down to the studio for awhile.

What I don't know is when is it just him, when is it a sugar low, when is it a bad reaction to new prescriptions? What I do know is that in another week or 2, we will be out of this and back to a normal routine.

So, I'm just going to say it. He's having his group here Sunday for superbowl. No one else's spouses will be here. I'm sure he doesn't want me here. So I'm going to assume that Sunday morning he will provoke another argument so great that it will piss me off and I will walk out. HA! What he has forgotten is that we have a houseguest all next week and I have to go pick her up at the airpot at noon on Sunday. Should I just go ahead and remind him that I won't be here. No, I think I will wait and see if my forecast comes true. He is just so predictable it's almost funny.

There are those who would say this is just a bad person behaving badly. But I still tend to think that these cycles come and go and it all ties around what is going on inside of him. He is truly swollen and puffy this week, retaining fluids again, and has a gout infection in his hand. He's on additonal antibiotics for that, has eaten every single meal out this week and seems to be hell bent on his own personal destruction.

Maybe I'll sleep on the sofa tonight just to get some rest. I'm sure he won't have the cpap on when I go to bed. I'm sure he will have the restless leg syndrome all night long. Am I being cynical? Perhaps. Or maybe I'm just laying it out like it is. At any rate....I just wonder how much longer I'll be willing and/or able to stay on this ride. Right now, I'm pretty tired of it.


Laura said...

Each time I read your blog, I'm amazed at all you endure with your husband. My aunt's husband died about 5 years ago from complications of Crohn's disease, and he acted very similarly to your husband. I'm sure this takes a toll on your mental and physical health, so please make sure to take time to take care of yourself! You deserve to be taken care of too!

Diabeteswife said...

I truly understand what you are saying. I know I need to be taken care of. But sick people who do not take care of themselves certainly cannot take care of anyone else. I blogged today that I'm going to get some counseling....hoping there will be new suggestions for what I can do to get through this. Thanks for caring.