Thursday, February 07, 2008

Time to see a counselor

Me. Yes, I've requested an appointment to get some counseling as I know I need help. He has just started to lie about everything. Today, he said he had errands to run. I know it's not errands...he's going to the doctors. And he's not telling me because he knows I want to go...and if I go, then I will know what they have told him...and if I don't go, then he can lie to me.

So I asked him if he had ever gotten in to see the Endocrinologist. He said no, they sent him back to the nutritionist who changed his insulin.

!. When did he go to the nutritionist? Because he sure didn't tell me about that visit.
2. She is the person who first changed his insulin...upped it to 3 shots a day. His MD changed it back to 2 shots a day. We jsut seem to be on a merry-go-round with this. He bounces from one doc to another and each one changes his meds. That's why I want him to get into an endo....as they can then be the one to oversee all the changes in his meds.
3. His HMO is self referral. He can call an endo and get an appointment. So why on earth doe he think I'm going to believe that "they" sent him to the nutritionist?

I am just so sick and tired of all of this that I called and requested an appointment today. I need help in accepting his lies. I need help in knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. Today...I'm just so dang tired that I can't even think about it...past the fact that I know I need help.

I just don't even want to be in the same room with him. I just look at him and think "liar". I try so hard to rationalize that this is his choice. He has made a choice to live his life exactly as he wants and I have no input into it. My option is to sit here and watch him kill himself. Oh yes, note: He sat here yesterday and ate piece after piece of chocolate candy and today, he ate 2 whole chocolate bars, 4 slices of pizza and had fast food for lunch. He won't eat a thing that I offer to fix him....tonight was grilled chicken. He pulled out a frozen pizza. Sigh.

I know I'm starting to get angry and bitter. I'm tired of biting my tongue, but if I say anything, I know it will just end in a huge fight. And I know I'm tired because he is not using the cpap and I'm not sleeping at night. Think tonight I'll just stay on the sofa. It's hard on my back....but at least I sleep.

At this rate, he may well outlive me. I'm hoping that tomorrow, I can get back to my usual happy self.

A friend said to me today that we marry "til death do us part". So I asked her if that had to apply if the other party was intentionally bringing on their own death. She looked at me so stunned and said, "good question. no answer"

Perhaps that is how it is to be....there is no answer for those of us who live with this disease, but do not have this disease.

5 comments:

whimsy2 said...

Clearly your husband is hellbent on committing slow suicide and you know this.

In all my months of reading your blog I've never read anything about his concern and caring for YOU. Maybe it exists but you just haven't written about it.

Clearly, your marriage is in trouble. I'm glad you're seeing a counselor.

JustLittleMe said...

I hope you find a counselor that is good. I first took the one that was offered free through my job. She was a very nice lady - and I'm sure very qualified at her job - but she had no idea what diabetes was all about. After my half hour mini lesson about the disease, then another half hour describing my problem with the situation, the only thing she wanted to do was to bring him in and counsel him. I know he needs counseling - but if that's not going to happen, I still need to find a way to keep myself happy.
I did eventually find a man who had diabetes himself (even if it was type 2). He had the basic understandings of what he was going through and was more helpful to me and how to deal...

Good luck to you
I don't comment much, but I do read your blog - all the time

Thank you

Diabeteswife said...

whimsy2, I believe he truly does care about me....when he can, when his levels are normal, when he is thinking clearly. But as the disease progresses more, and his "system" is out of whack more of the time, I'm needing help adjusting to it all.

I also believe part of this is just a natural aging process. But how normal is that when your sugar levels remain on such a roller coaster? That is part of what I want to find out.

justlittleme, I am starting back with a diabetic counselor that I've seen in the past (if she's still available). She helped me over a hurdle in the past and I'm hoping she can help now. I do know it's easy to waste a whole lot of time with someone who doesn't have a clue and I'm not about to pay for that! LOL!

calvinnme said...

I'm so glad your getting someone to talk to. Sugar levels have much to do with the brain operating properly, but so much of this just seems like a bad person behaving badly. I wonder if you packed your bags and left him alone with his disease and snoring for a few weeks and left it up to him as to whether or not you were coming back, if he'd straighten up and fly right. Then, maybe once his sugars normalized once he became compliant, maybe at least mentally he'd return to being the man you love.

After all, hasn't he ever wondered how he'd deal with hypos, lack of mobility, and his eventual dialysis if you gave him what he seems to be itching for - permanent solitude?

Anonymous said...

I've read your blog now for a few months and would just like to say - this is my story too. It's a sad and lonely place to be. I know some very difficult decisions must be made for sanitys sake.