Amazing stuff!

I had my last soda on May 12. I never thought I could do this....but I it's done. I no longer crave the stuff. I can sit with a group of friends who are slurping it down as fast as they can, and I don't crave it. Someone told me I would get to where I crave water. Well, I'm not there yet....but I am enjoying water more than ever.

I had my last candy bar on May 11. Not a bit of sugar since that date. No candy, cookies, chocolate, sweets. No sweetener. No stubsitutes.

And I am not craving them at all.

I started walking 3 miles a day on June 1. I have walked at least 10K steps every day except for 3 days. And I totally missed walking those days. I look forward to that hour alone in the early morning hours. Most days it's my only alone time since hubby works from home. I bought new walking shoes today! :o)

I have started holding classes in my studio. Meeting new people. And I've invited a group of friends to come over one day a month to create and share.

Little by little, I am starting to fix things, do some home repairs, put up lights where I want them....clean out boxes that have been stored away.

My life is back on track and I'm starting to enjoy each day once again.

I am denying my husband's diabetes for the time being. OK, I know that he has it....but I am refusing to allow it to consume my life. He can eat all the chocolate he wants...I'm not about to enable him. He can eat bags of potato chips and drink 12 cans of diet coke a day, I'm not going to join him. He can sit here on the sofa and sleep, watch TV, vegge out for hours on end....but I'm not going to join him.

Hopefully, one day soon, he will start to miss me and decide to join me. If not, I'm determined to continue to make healthy changes in my life as I watch this disease deteroriate his body and his life.

Amazing stuff? Yes, I am just so amazed that I am doing this on my own!

21 days of walking.

42 days of no sugar and no soda.

YEAH!!!

An amazing vacation!

OK, so we really did not do that much where he was on his feet....but it was exactly what both of us needed!

We went snorkeling. No walking there! Just floating on the surface of the ocean watching the amazing life below us. I honestly think that the hours we spent in the salt water helped his feet. I haven't seen them looking this good in about 3 years. He still has all the swelling from tophi gout, but no open sores. No boils. Truly deformed and misshapen, but whole. Amazing!

We took an ATV tour through the jungle. Again, no walking. But he actually did a few jumps! We both laughed so hard and just had so much fun with our totally non-English speaking guide who figured out quite quickly that we knew what we were doing on ATVs....and decided to put us to the test!

We rented mopeds and spent a full day exploring the region. No walking there. But we fell in love with mopeds and the whole area. We tried to go out into the jungle and find a river, got lost, ended up at a bar on the beach where we drank bottled water and listened to the waves pound the shore.

Took a cab to another beach with yet another day of snorkeling. Spent lots of time laying under the cabanas letting the bartenders bring us bottled water. He did have several near crashes so I know there were and equal number of near highs. He corrected them yet again with chocolate bars. But we did eat a whole lot healther for a full week. Loads of fish and shrimp, salmon, salads. I actually lost a pound! I think we got plenty of exercise pushing the fins through the water to get to our snorkeling spots.

I did get him to walk around the pool, on the beaches, into the villages to do a little shopping. We just took it slow. I kept reminding him we had no schedule and we would walk a block, sit and have some water, checking out a different restaurant and then walk a little more. I know he got more exercise last week than he has in the prior month.

We did some shopping and wandered into a jewelry shop. He picked out a ring and chain for himself then asked me what I wanted. I had my eye on a most ridiculously priced necklace and he was able to get it down to half price and bought it for me. He said I deserved something that pretty. I was in awe!

He was the "old" guy that I fell in love with. He was sweet, kind and generous all week long. We laughed so much...it was enough to make me want to move there! I am just so grateful for the vacation, for the break and for the fabulous time we both had. Made me realize also that part of life at home could just be the stress of his every day job and we need to run away just a little more often. He did agree that we can stop eating out all the time and save out money to do this a little more often. I call that great progress!

Maybe there is hope! I'm feeling quite optimistic at the moment!!!

Some FUN stuff!

About 3 years ago, we took a cruise and stopped in a little known port on the south coast of Mexico.....way the heck down there. A new port, little used. Absolutely fell in love with the place and swore we would go back.

So yesterday, I got one of those last minute deals where they haven't filled up the plane.....to this very place...at such a cheap rate I couldn't believe it! I showed it to hubby and he said, "book it!" OK...."last minute" is very literal. We leave in 2 days!!!

We've been running around trying to get stuff together. We both love to snorkel. It's a very relaxing thing as you just float on top of the ocean and look down at all the beauty below. Hubby tried on his fins.....of course they don't fit. His feet are so swollen these days. He has decided to just rent a pair when we get there.

I'm just so beside myself that he agreed to do something. And even if he just sits in the hotel room, sleeps and relaxes....there will not be much to stop me from going out exploring and seeing the area. I can hardly wait!


And on a different positive note. I have started a 21 day "give it up" thing. About 4 weeks ago, I gave up soda and sugar. I made it 21 days and obviously am still not using it. Amazing the difference in my own life. One week ago, I started walking 3 miles a day. Will continue that for 21 days (and then past that, of course). In 2 more weeks, I hope to give up white flour.

With these changes, he is grudgingly making a few changes. I refuse to cook 2 different meals, so he has to eat salad with me or get up and fix his own meal. So at least that gets him off the sofa! I told him that I don't care what he eats, but he has to be supportive of me. I haven't seen a bag of candy in a week. Now if I could just explain to him that I don't want potato chips in the house......

And I've told him I'm not going out to eat except once a week. Well, we've been out twice this week and will obviously eat out next week, but when we get back home....it's back to fixing salads and grilling chicken and fish here.

OK...I will settle for baby steps. He walked 4 blocks with me this week as I told him I need to get in 10K steps per day and I was only at 9500....and wanted to take the dogs for a walk, but couldn't handle both of them at once. So he joined me. I think I see many days in the future where I just can't get in 10K steps! :o)

This blog is very good for me as when I reread it, I see that I am the one who has a life and I'm not ready to give up on it just yet. Hopefully with the changes that I make, he will follow. Who knows? I've decided it's worth a try.

Plus....I'm feeling better. I know that I need to build muscle. I need to increase my circulation. So walking is it for me. I hope to get to 5 miles a day....but I also know that will take time.

It takes me an hour to walk 3 miles. And I realized today that is a full hour I have away from the house....with time to think, time to be alone, time to pray. It's time that I need.

He's been a bit grumpy about all of this. But I keep reminding him that I need to be healthy. I tell him that I'm doing this so I will feel better. And he hasn't argued with that too much.

But I still find entire bags of potato chips that he downed in one setting. Sigh.

Maybe next week I can get him to walk with me on the beach. Now that would be fun!!!

Notes/Fatigue and back ache

Today was one of those "we just have to do yard work" days. I noticed that he kept sitting down on the steps so when we broke to get some lunch, I asked if he was OK. He said that he is just totally wiped out and feels weak. I asked if it could be one of the new drugs that he is on or a combination of drugs and he looked a bit surprised, thought a moment and then agreed that it could be. So I suggested that he let his doctors know the next time they see him. He said that he thought he might have low iron. And I reminded him that they could also do something for that.

Then we were talking about contacting landscapers to re-do our yard. I think we want more trees and border hedges. I threw out a couple of ideas and he said that there was no way we could do it ourselves, his back hurt him too much. He said, "Just bending over picking up the few branches you trimmed just about killed me."

Well, that just doesn't seem quite right because I had been bending over picking up branches, twigs and leaves for about 2 hours and he had only done about 5 minutes.

I wonder if at this age, the less you do, the less you are able to do? Has he lost muscle from sleeping so much? Will he ever be able to regain it if he wanted.

So, at lunch, I asked him what his thoughts were about getting a bowflex machine and he said that might not be a bad idea. I know that I could use some muscle building help and it's obvious that he can. My question is....would we use it? I guess we'll find out!

Notes/Swollen temple

Yesterday, hubby had a swollen left temple, very painful, tender to touch and a really bad headache. I asked him to contact his doctor, but he did not.

Today, it was a little better. But he was tired. Slept most of the time from 5 pm - 9 pm.

Not sticking to his low purine diet. Had steak last night and again tonight.

He seems to be sinking deeper into a depression.

Just logging my notes

Normal A1c and daily highs and lows

When I visit the diabetic nutritionist, she continues to explain to me that although my husband's a1c is within normal range, every time he has a low, he has to be having a high at some point in order to balance the a1c to a normal range. And that those continued highs and lows are not so good for everything else that is going on in his body right now.

He thinks that because his a1c is normal, everything that is going on in his body is related to anything other than his diabetis.

He is such a brilliant man in so many areas, but his logic fails to present itself when it comes to this disease. This past weekend, he said he was having a low and reached for a piece of cake at a relative's house. I noticed that he did not test his blood sugar, so I ponder if he simply just wanted a piece of cake and knew I would see him eat it? or if he was really having a low.....and why did he not notice the "high" that he must have had to balance out his a1c?

Yesterday, we went out to lunch and he did eat a healthy lunch, but then topped it off with a huge piece of chocolate cake and ice cream.

With so many medical problems, I have to wonder if he's not trying to speed up the process, the natural progression of this disease by eating like this. Or is it just beyond the realm of possibilty for him to believe that he can halt the progression? He says that with a normal a1c, there is no need for him to prick himself at all.

There are weeks like this when I think this is the lull before the storm. What will I do if he goes blind? Will I stay? Would I be able to provide care for him? What will I do if the surgeon he is scheduled to visit recommends amputating his feet? There are days when it's almost too much to think about. There are days when I refuse to think about it at all. And there are days when I just get so angry and upset because he won't even try to halt the progression of this disease.

I think today needs to be a day for me to just put it all out of my head and find something constructive to do. One of the greatest things about blogging is that I can write down my fears.....and then stop thinking about them. Writing....it can be such good therapy!

More spouses.....

A friend found this link and sent it to me:

http://www.everydayhealth.com/cs/forums/thread/88751.aspx

So perhaps spouses are starting to speak out about uncontolled diabetes and a person's unwillingness to take care of themselves.

My hubby already has neuropathy, kidney failure, erectile dysfunction, tophi gout, high blood pressure, loss of nerve endings/feelings and loss of eyesight.

He will not eat a thing all day long and then eat a bag of Dove chocolate because his sugar is low.

One person wrote "I told him I've been a caregiver all my life and dont feel like seeing you dieing".

I can certainly understand where this person is coming from.

Another wife wrote: " I TRY VERY HARD TO FIX THE KINDS OF FOODS HE SHOULD EAT. HE EATS WHAT I FIX AND THEN GOES TO THE STORE AND GET COOKIES OR CANDY AND EATS THAT".

Oh, that is just so familiar!

Someone suggest printing out facts from the internet. I have tried that. Hubby says you can find anything to prove anything on the internet. And he is probably right on that one. But you would think something from the Mayo Clinic would have an impact on him...but it doesn't.

It is so sad to read about the other diabetics who do not take care of themselves. It makes me want to cry because I know exactly what the spouses are going through.

______________

Hubby informed me that he has a cataract coming on one eye. He has had cornea transplant and already wears soft lenses over hard lenses and reading glasses for close up work. I read somewhere that high blood sugars raises the risk of cataract by 40%. His doctors have told him to pay attention to it and when he starts to notice a loss of vision they will discuss it more. He has also been told that he may need new cornea transplants in the near future.

I guess I hadn't thought much about the risk of him going blind...but I know it's possible.

All the signs are there. He just can't "see" what his continued eating pattern does to him. He had cake and pie on Saturday.

Day 12 of my altered life

No soda, no sugar, no chocolate, no fried foods, nothing but healthy eating. And loads of water.

Next step is to add walking and exercise. Taking it slow. Living one day hour by hour. But I am feeling so much better.

Maybe simply because I'm making time to do something solely for me. Maybe because I am eating healthy.

Maybe just because it's time.

The power of prayer.....

There is a verse in the Bible that says if you have the faith of a mustard seed, you can move a mountain. I have never doubted that, but I have always realized how tiny and insignificant my faith is as I can't begin to move a mountain.

But I do have faith in the power of prayer. And sometimes it just shocks me. And I don't know why because I continue to keep that verse in the foremost part of my thoughts.

Last night, my cousin and my sister spent the night in the guest bedroom. That meant I slept with my hubby. I think he was quite happy, but I was dreading it because of the flopping, tossing, turning and snoring. I finally went up to bed about midnight and put in my earplugs and just started praying. I prayed for Jehovah to heal this man that I love. I prayed for open passages so he could breathe without snoring. I prayed for calmed nerves so his legs wouldn't jump on the bed. I fell asleep praying....

and I woke up at 5:30 am. Refreshed, rested, ready to go!

I want to work on increasing my faith....I want it to grow from the size of an microscopic amoeba to something greater than that. I don't need to move a mountain, but I do need to have the faith that this will all work out.

Somewhere I have a mustard seed necklace that was my Grandmother's. I need to go find that.

Ear plugs??? EAR PLUGS?????

LOLOL! Sorry, I just had to type that. Someone posted a response to an earlier post that ear plugs are needed even with a CPAP machine. Oh me...I wish I had a machine that measures decibles.....he's totally over the limit. OK....when he is in bed on the second floor and I am in the basement, with 3 doors shut between us, I can still hear him snore. Just imagine what it's like to be in bed next to him! No one sleeps!

Last night, I laid here and just watched him. He was sleeping on his stomach. Snoring loudly. But his lower leg would raise up, rotate in a circle a couple of times and then just bang back down to the bed so hard it would bounce me up off the bed. Now, I know this sounds strange, but I know he was sound asleep as he was snoring quite deeply (translate that loud). And this didn't happen once, it repeated over and over until I finally just got up and went to sleep on the sofa.

But it totally amazed me that his foot would raise straight up from the knee, perpendicular to his leg, rotate in a circle anywhere from 1 to 3 times and then just as if it lost all sense of being, drop with a dead weight to the bed.

And I can't believe it didn't wake him up.

I asked him this morning if he knew he was doing that and I don't think he believed me at all....it was just so bizzare.

Ear plugs won't do a thing to solve the tidal wave that leg of his creates! I so hope the sleep study will turn up something.

Good news. We rode 5 hours on the ATV today over very rugged terrain. I know he is sore and exhausted....but he was outside doing something! I'm planning at least 2 rides for next weekend. However, I think I may be the one who is in the most pain at the moment! LOL! It's really hard when the body gets old, but the brain doesn't. I still think I can do all the things I did when I was 18. Well, I'm not giving up this sport just yet.

And by the way. Day 8 with no diet soda for me! Yeah!

Long distance lows

What do you do when you are 3 hours away and you know he is having a low?

The plans are that he drive up this evening with the ATV and we go out tomorrow with my sis and her hubby. Granted, we have not been out since last fall and this is an unplanned trip. He has called me numerous times looking for things that he needs for the ride. Goves, goggles, etc.

So he calls me a little bit ago and says, "I am really getting tired of this Easter egg hunt you are taking me on. Where did you put the trailer hitch?" I said, "I wouldn't have put it anywhere, you would have put it up." And he said, "You took it off the truck." And I said, "No, that's something you would have done." And he replied, "I don't know why you take it off, but you always take it off the truck." And I said, "I don't need this, goodbye."

Now...a bit of logic thinking. The truck is his. I have a 4WD vehicle. "My" trailer hitch is on my vehicle. So why on earth would I take his off? and leave mine on? So I can tell he is not thinking well and therefore, must be in a low. I'm not there, so I can't tell for sure. But the one thing I do know is that I have never taken the trailer hitch off his truck. I would have no reason to do that.

So once again, I'm sure he has not eaten a thing all day long, (I wasn't there to fix meals for him) he is trying to do something and it's not working for him, so he is calling me, 3 hours away from him, and blaming all the problems on me.

Well, that tells me a couple of things. I can't escape his lows no matter where I am. And it reinforces what a lovely week I've had.

I think if he calls me one more time, I will just tell him nicely to stay home. It's just not worth the frustration of all this.

And I have had such a lovely week. So much that I am dreading going home. Now, isn't that sad?

No answers needed....I'm just thinking out loud, and documenting yet one more incident because I know he will not remember that he blamed me for this.

Note to self. When you get home, go buy some type of shelving for the garage where everything is out in the open. Most likely he looked inside the tub and there was a jacket or blanket on top that he did not bother to remove. So you need to put everything out in the open where it can be easily found.

Day 5 of my new altered life

So, I left home last Saturday. Took a leisurely drive up through the mountains. Spent the night at mom's and celebrated Mother's Day with her. Then took another 3 hour drive up a different mountain highway to get to a small place where 2 of my sisters live. I have been here all week. It has been a slice of heaven! One of my sisters and I are starting a jewelry making business. So we have been designing and creating prototypes all week long.

When I left home, I decided to give no soda a try. Today is day 5. I will survive! LOL! I also decided to totally alter the way I eat. Day 5. I will survive that as well! I am hoping that when I get home, I can continue doing good things for me, regardless of what else goes on in my life.

Hubby is driving up tomorrow and we will spend the weekend out exploring the surrounding hills on our ATVs. It will get him outside which is so good for him! And good for me as well!

It's been such a nice week. I've slept 8 - 10 hours every night. So I'm starting to feel a bit more rested. We've been in constant contact via cell phone calls...but it's just been a nice reprieve to be away, to have time to think, to be creative with my sister. We've had lunch with our other sister almost every day, so that's been fun, too.

And we've been walking every day.

I think I've just decided that hubby can eat all the bags of Dove chocolate that he wants. I'm going to get serious and take off my extra 25 pounds, do good things for me and put good things in my body. Hmmmm...are you thinking what I'm thinking? That I'm having too much hope that it will rub off on him? Nope! I'm doing this for me, not for him. I'll be fixing salad for me and he will be cooking for himself! Well, unless he wants salad with me!

Feels good!

And the doctor said......

Well, he finally had his appointment with his doctor today. He has rescheduled it for 3 months now! So here's the outcome:

1. They are scheduling him for a sleep study (good!). He does scare me to death when he quits breathing in the middle of the night.

2. They are scheduling him to see a surgeon about the bunions on his feet. Not so sure how I feel about this one as I think it is tophi gout....but we will wait and see what the surgeon says.

3. Scheudling him to see a foot doctor since the uric acid levels continue to go down, but the swelling and nodules are still in his feet (different bumps and lumps from the ones the doctor thinks are bunions)

4. His prostate is enlarged. He has been having a weak urine sream. And they gave him 2 more prescriptions to handle this.

5. They told him to lose weight and to exercise.

And sent him off for a slew more labs that we won't know about for a week or so.

No new A1c yet. No new kidney function yet. Sigh.

I was out all day long and came home to find him with a bag of Dove chocolate in his hands. Sigh.

Life goes on. It's dinner out and a movie tonight.

Why are diabetics so sensitive?

Recently I have been inundated with posts that I have not allowed. They seem to be coming from rather young, type 1 diabetics. People trying to tell me, the spouse of a type 2 diabetic, how to take care of him.

I was told that my question "Does diabetes make you lazy?" is an "unfair question". HELLO!!! It is a question. Not a statement, not an opinion..just a question!!! How on earth can a question be unfair....unless you are reading it as a statement!

I was told that "diabetes doesn't make anyone anything except a person with a disfunctional pancreas". OK....what about a pair of non-functioning kidneys? What about all the other things that diabetes makes a person? What about the emotional things it makes a person? Aren't there just a myriad of things that diabetes "makes" a person? I think the author of that comment must be in denial about all the things that diabetes is.

Note: the words "I think" should be read "this is just my opinion, it is not a statement, and it is not a general statement about all diabetics"!!!

I was told that I have "strong words against diabetes". Sorry, my words are about the results of diabetes....not about diabetes itself. Read carefully....I am writing about the impact that this disease has on a spouse. And it is my PERSONAL story of what happens in this single, solitary family.

But I may change my mind on that one. If having diabetes gives you the "right" to write stuff like this to me....then perhaps you need to sit back and look internally to who you are.

Someone wrote to me "I belive diabetes management is best done when there are multiple people "assisting" the person with the disease. Not doing it for them, not hand holding them every step of the way, but doing what they can to make the burden just a little easier and less lonely."

Well, I will respond to that comment with this: Who is here "assisting" me when he is having a low and is screaming at me to get out of the house? Who is making that a little less lonely? It sure as heck is not him! He can't even remember that he did it....let alone be there for me. Life is a 2-way street. It is give and take. It's not just all take, take, take.....which IS how it is in this house.

There needs to be some balance here. If you have this disease, this blog is not something you are going to want to read....unless you want to make life for your spouse a little easier. If you have type 1, I doubt this blog is for you either.

If you really want to know the frustrations that your spouse might be feeling, if you really want to hear the voice of a woman who is married to a man who does not take care of his out-of-control diabetes, keep reading. If you have highs and lows and don't remember what happened, then read here. If your spouse tells you things that you don't remember, or you don't believe, then read here.

I will continue to write my own, very personal, thoughts on this disease as a view that most of you may not want to hear. I will continue to moderate comments and I will not allow any that come from angry diabetics. Sorry, it's my blog and I will set my own rules. I just wanted to post this to clarify where I am coming from.

That being said, may all of you women have a wonderful Mother's Day weekend. If you are the spouse to a diabetic, I especially hope your day is calm and level...you deserve that at least one day a year!

Things do change.

We live 15 hours by car from my in-laws, or it's 6 hours to fly/drive. In the 33 years since my husband left home, he has always been with his mother on Mother's Day. It's the one thing he made quite clear when we got married. And that's always been fine with me.

He told me today that his knees and hips hurt too much to even try and fly down and there's no way that he's driving. Now, before some of you jump the gun and decide to write and tell me this has nothing to do with his diabetes, let me explain that for him, it does. His kidney function is down to 30%. That means that his kidneys cannot remove uric acid from his blood. So it deposits the uric acid crystal in his joints. His joints swell and become red and inflammed. And they hurt him so bad that he cannot walk. Sometimes it presents itself as gouty lumps and he has surgery to have them removed when they exceed the size of a grapefruit. Usually those appear on his elbow.

He has started taking drugs for this and he's been about 50/50 recently on his low purine diet. I'd say that he has a hamburger, hotdog or steak once a week....but that is down from 5-6 times a week in the past.

So things do change. Sadly. His parents are in their late 70s and I know that his mom looks forward to having him with her on Mother's day. But if he can't make a 6 hour trip right now...that tells me that his pain level is much worse that he is letting on.

It just makes you wonder where he will be a year from now?

Drugs

Several have asked me to post the drugs hubby takes. As best I can tell, here they are.

I'd have to go back and look at my notes, but on the Novolin, he does both at 6 am, then one at 6 pm and the other one at 10 pm and I'm not sure of the doseages.


Gemfibrozil 600MG x2/day for cholesterol

Simvastatin 40MG x1/2/day for cholesterol

Clindamycin 150mg x3/day for infection

Novolin R 100U/ML

Novolin N 100U/ML

Allopurinol 100mg x4/day for gout

Furosemide 20mg x 1/day for fluid retention

Lisinopril 20mg x 1/day fro high blood pressure

Tramadol 50mg x 1 every 6 hours for pain

So in addition to diabetes, he is being treated for high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and tophus gout. The Clindamycin is for the infections in his joints. He also does a lot of Tylenol arthritis and Pepcid AC. And I think that's it.

Kidney function is holding at 30%

He has postponed his March physical once again. Now it is scheduled for this Friday. He is complaining that his hips and knees hurt so bad he can barely walk or sit. I'm pretty sure it's because of the gnarls on his feet and he walks on the outside edges of his feet....that would be enough to throw off anyone's knees and hips.

Good news....he found a pair of shoes to fit his feet. Size 10 WWW at SAS. First time in 3 years that he has had "real" shoes on his feet. WWW in order to fit around all the gnarly growths on his feet. They only had one pair, so he has ordered a second pair and hopefully they will arrive this week.

Another quiet day as he went into the office. I plan to get loads done!

Only a few more hours....

and hubby returns from his business trip. I have to say, the past 5 days have been sheer bliss. There have been moments when I have just sat here on the sofa and listened to the quiet. I've not had to fix him a darn thing in 5 whole days! I've not had to look at his feet, watch him hobble, take him the phone.....and it has been a little slice of heaven!

What have I done? Well, 2 days were spent with my best friend at a local event we attended. I spent a whole day out shopping. Did a little yardwork and visited another friend. OK...I think I had a touch of a normal life this week!

I did not have to pick up after him, or clean up after him. When I pulled something out of the pantry, it got put back. When I dropped something on the floor, I reached over and picked it up. I think at times, his pain level must be so high that he just can't do simple tasks like that. But on the other hand, he could go out and get himself one of those little grabber thingies! LOL!

Does diabetes make a person lazy? Where is the defining point between living a normal life (picking up the piece of envelope that dropped on the floor) and being in so much pain that you can't bend over to pick it up....or "using" the disease as an excuse to not pick it up?

Good question, huh?

When does a diabetic "give up" and decide to eat all the greasy french fries and sugary drinks that they want rather than saying "no" and eating the right foods?

Do some diabetics never make that choice because they remain in denial that they have this disease?

Do some diabetics consciously make a choice to live the remainder of their lives exactly as they want because they would rather live life to the fullest than die taking a zillion drugs to contol their lives?

Do some diabetics make their choices based on religious beliefs? I went to high school with a gal who's dad died from this disease because he refused to take any type of drugs whatsoever based on their religion. He was a pretty young man when he died. He had 7 children.

Do diabetics have the right to make those kinds of decisions when they have children and spouses that have to deal with the outcome of those decisions?

Feel free to answer those questions.....but I'm going to sit here and contend that spouses and children have the primary rights when it comes to a diabetic and the decisions that they make because I have learned that he cannot remember, and when he is in a low or a high, he cannot make a "healthy" choice for himself.

So....he's on a business trip with a bunch of his work peers. You KNOW he has been eating fried hamburgers, french fries, ice cream sundaes all week long! I dread what will arrive home today as I'm sure he will be on a total sugar high for the next few days.

For the next couple of hours, I'm going to sit here in the quiet solitude of this house and just listen to the silence!

It's NOT my job!!!!

Someone posted the following in response to one of my comments:

"If you thought he was low, why didn't you ask him to test and have him eat something sugary?"

and it got my dander up just a tad!

Why on earth does anyone out there think it's the spouse's job to do this?????

OK....if the diabetic individual was doing everything in their power to take care of themselves, i.e., eating healthy, testing, drinking fluids, keeping meds on schedule, exercising, getting therapy.....then I could see perhaps doing this to help them.

But when the patient refuses to do anything to help themselves.....why on earth would you think that the spouse is responsible to help them?

Sorry, I just don't get this one at all.

Sorry, but he has to grow up, get out of his denial, get past his grief, and get on with his life. I cannot do that for him. And I'm not about to put myself into the path of his wrath by suggesting there is any problem with his diabetes! I do need to protect myself.

But seriously. He's not going to take care of himself. Why is it my job to take care of him? Yes, I love him dearly. But he is not 5 or 15 or 25 or 35 or..... he is more than old enough and capable enough to test his own blood, eat healthy, exercise and so on. But since he denies there is a problem......he certainly is not going to do anything to fix something that's not broken.

Sad, isn't it?

Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!

Second issue this morning. I spent yesterday out with a dear friend. We were driving in the car and like a lightening bolt...it hit me that hubby was supposed to go in for his physical on Thursday (the day before). He either lied to me (he really did not have his annual physical scheduled for Thursday) or he spaced it out and did not go. We were both home all day long on Thursday.

This was supposed to be the visit where he gets his new A1c....and they give him a new kidney function level. I really do not think he "forgot"....I think it was never scheduled.

I think the guy is totally incapable of telling me the truth when it comes to his diabetes. But why lie? Why?

And of course....today is NOT going to be the day I ask him anything! LOL!

Have I mentioned lately how much I HATE this disease?????

Weekend War?

I tried sleeping in the same room with him last night. Why? Why on earth do I think that I need to sleep with him just because I'm married to him? Went to bed about 10 pm. Put on the headsets and started to watch a movie on my little DVD player to drown out the TV. He had the volume set to 33 which is not all that bad...my headsets will muffle the surround sound.

Next thing I know....I'm hearing guns and booms and I look up...he's upped his volume to 44! I should have known right then and there he was going into a crash. But you know....some things I just never learn. So I simply turned up the volume on my DVD player and started to snooze off.

About midnight, he got up, banged the doors on his wardrobe, turned off the TV and left the room. Absolutely no idea what he was doing other than the door banging totally work me up.

Fell right back to sleep.

About 3:30 am....I woke up to a thud on the bed. He was throwing those heavy foam pillows on the bed. I just laid there...trying to get out of my sleepy fog. He flopped down on the bed so hard that I raised off my side of the bed. I still just laid there. About 10 minutes later, he was snoring and of course....I was wide awake.

So I decided to just get up and come work in my studio.

At 6:45 am, I hear a thud....a door bang...and then I hear the alarm on my cell phone. It was ringing. He had gotten out of bed. Walked over to my makeup table, unplugged it, gone all the way back across the bedroom, opened the door, walked out into the hall, and thrown it over the balcony onto the sofa downstairs in the living room!!!!

Yet he couldn't just open the flap and turn it off????

I'm in the basement and I hear it ring, so I go upstairs to find it. Went all the way to the upstairs as that's where I'd left it plugged in. Not there. Still ringing. Find it on the sofa. Go back upstairs and ask him, "did you throw my cell phone downstairs?" He says, "no." I said, "You did too!" He said, "No I did not". I said, "I heard you open the door and I heard it hit the sofa!" He said, "I turned it off and 10 minutes later it rang again. You do the same thing to my alarm clock." I said, "I have NEVER thrown your alarm clock down stairs!!!" And I walked out of the room cursing him all the way down the stairs.

It has NOTHING to do with him throwing the cell phone down on the sofa. It has EVERYTHING to do with him waking me up at 3:30 and I quietly leave the room....but if I (via my cell phone) wake him up...he HAS to make a scene.

Weekend war? I think it just started.

Age 10? I think he is there. So my question this morning...has there been any kind of study done to show that a diabetic who is having complete and total out-of-control sugar levels reverts to the IQ and age of a 10 year old? I swear. There has to be come coorelationship to this. I cannot believe that a 50something year old man will pick up a cell phone and throw it over the balcony just because he can't figure out how to turn it off. I KNOW he's in the middle of a low. I just know it.

The other day, he commented that I treat him like a child.

Well...duh! He's certainly acting like a child today!

He's gone back to bed and I'm leaving here in half an hour and may just be gone all day long. I'm so not going to deal with him this weekend. NOT even going to try!

I HATE this disease.

Marijuana and diabetis

I've done all the research on this that's available on the internet. Marijuana does provide pain relief. BUT it also impacts the release of glucose into the body and sets off yet another rollercoaster affect. Sort of the same thing as if you hit your finger with a hammer and started screaming....there's that rush that forces the body to generate glucose and release it.....which follows with a low.

But he seems to think the occassional relief of pain is worth the roller coaster ride.

After all....he's inside the ride...he's not on the outside watching the total destruction that's going on.


Anyone else watching the ride, wondering when the body is going to go fly off and hit a brick wall and come to a screatching stop?

Drama! Drama! Drama!!!

NEVER ask a diabetic a question! My new rule. He called me into his office as his company has changed life insurance carriers and he can up his insurance one time without a physical. He wanted to know if he should do that. I said I couldn't see why not. So with that as the lead in, I asked him if I could join him for his next physical. And he totally blew up at me, yelling and screaming. Which was interrpted by a business call.

So I give up. I will not ask him again and I will not be going with him to his physical.

I got up and came to my studio and just sat here. I nearly started a blog. I knew that as soon as his meeting was over, he would be down here apologizing, kissing me. And he was.

It's this total, constant roller coaster of emotions that I cannot deal with. Yes....I created the roller coaster. I did not need to ask him if I could go to his physical. But it really is "my" disease in that I have no idea what the prognosis is, I do not know what drugs he is taking let alone the contradictions of these drugs....and I would like to know.

But I guess I will continue to live in the dark, and continue to learn as much as I can about this disease.

Inability to Sleep....

is this something that is synonymous with type 2 diabetes? It's 8 am, on a work-at-home day and I had to go wake him up. I asked if he was ok and he said, "Yes, I just didn't sleep last night." I asked if he was missing meetings and he said, "probably".

I know....not my disease, not my problem. But...if he loses his job....THEN it's my problem! aarrrgggghhhh!!!

So, is is a common thing with diabetics that they do not go to sleep until 3 or 4 am? I know he is in horrible pain. But on the other hand, I know he is not managing this disease at all. He does not even try to eat right. There's another whole bag of Dove chocolate on the top of his dresser and I watch it shrinking by about 1/4 per day. OK...maybe 1/3 and maybe this is the 3rd bag this week!

We have a treadmill and exercise bicycle....he can't use them as his hips hurt too much. He will guzzle diet soda by the bottle and I've read what that can do to diabetics. He just is not willing to change anything about his lifestyle habits and then gets so angry at the world, so depressed....and can't sleep.

I just wonder if other spouses have moved out of their bedrooms like I have in order to get some rest on their own. Yes...the only reason I've moved down the hall is that his inability to sleep was keeping me up all night long.

He also has restless leg syndrome. He flops his leg all night long which in turn flops the bed. He doesn't roll from one side to the other....he literally lifts his body up and flops back down. Which, of course, generates a huge tidal wave to my side of the bed. OK, maybe I'm being a bit dramatic here...but do you get the point? I will be nearly asleep and the bed will move with a sudden jolt.....and of course I'm back fully awake thinking I'm living in southern California and we just had an earthquake!

I'm also quite sure he has sleep apnea. He will totally quit breathing, then gasp for air. These gasps are so loud that they would wake me up as well. He refuses to even have a sleep test done. So, between the gasps, snorts, farts (nerves in the intestines are dying off), RLS, flops and bounces.....I really have had no choice but to start sleeping in the guest bedroom.

Sigh.

It's only been a couple of weeks now....and just today I am starting to feel a bit rested. I think with 2 more solid months of good sleep, I may be back to joining civilization! :o)

At least I feel good enough this morning to attempt to go out for a walk! Yeah! Just wondering how the rest of the spouses manage to get a good night's sleep?

Drive thru diet soda

Went to Taco Bell for lunch, in the drive thru and ordered a diet pepsi. Drove away, 2 blocks before I took a sip and it was cherry pepsi. So I turned around, drove back, got out of the car and went in to make the exchange because the line in the drive thru was just too long to go that route again.

And I wondered.....what would all that sugar do to a diabetic? I'm not sure my hubby can tell the difference in taste. Often, I will get a soda and think it's not diet, but not be able to tell, ask him to take a sip, and he can't tell.

But I know the sugars in a loaded soda are so much higher than in a diet and just started wondering where the responsibility is with fast food chains? (OK...no answer needed as we know they don't presume to be resposible for anything!)

What if this had been a child with diabetes and they handed them a soda rather than a diet soda?

So I came home and sent Taco Bell's website an email complaint. Not that I assume they will actually read it, but wouldn't it be nice if there were enough people emailing them (and all the other fast food chains) and they actually started to pay attention to what went out the window?

We used to have 2 McDonald's in our town. One has exceptional service and never gets and order wrong. The other constantly gave out the wrong order and the wrong change. I can't tell you how often I've emailed a complaint on that store. Believe it or not, they went out of business last year. I doubt it was my emails...but maybe they had some small part in it....or maybe everyone else in town was complaining as well!

Someone should invent a meter that you can place inside the soda that identifies which drink it is! I would buy that!

Rights as his wife?

I understand medical privacy. I understand and believe that each one of us should have the right to go to our doctor, chat with them, confess to them, and know that our medical records are private.

But I also think that as the wife of a diabetic, I should have the right to know MORE about what is going on. I think I should be informed of treatment plans and be asked to participate.....even if it is against his will.

So let the slamming begin! LOL! Anyone who wants to tell me it is his disease....go right ahead. We all know that. But I'm the one who has to live with it...and I have no input into the management of it. Well...if we can call this management!

He went to the doctor today. I asked to join him and he said he preferred that I not go. So to avoid a huge battle, I stayed home. I asked what they said. Here's the full extent of the reply I received, "well, they didn't seem to think it is good at all. My hips are deteroriating and they can't give me anything for the pain because of my kidneys. My knees are shot, too."

And I asked what they said about his feet and he replied, "well, they said they are not good".

He was there for 2 hours and that is all I got. And then he sunk into a horrible depression. He laid on the sofa for the next 5 hours not moving at all. About 6 pm, I asked what he wanted for dinner and he said "wings" sounded good. So I heated up the oven and pulled a bag out of the freezer and put them in. When the timer went off, I was on the computer and told him they were ready. He just laid there. I said, "They are for you, you can get up and go get them out of the oven!" To which he replied, "it would be nice if you would get them for me."

And in my head I'm thinking "when hell freezes over" and I just sat there. I could not believe this man would not get up off the sofa and walk over to the oven and take the wings out. Not even 10 feet from where he was. I didn't move and he did get up and go get them, groaning and moaning every step of the way.

I really want to know what they said to him that put him in such a mood! I think I have that right!

He said it would be next week before the labs are back and that he has a physical sometime in May when he thinks they might tell him what is next. I am going to start pushing to go to that appointment with him. Just so I can ask all the questions that he will not ask because he does not want to know the answer.

I seriously doubt he was there for 2 hours and they said 2 sentences to him. I'm more apt to think he is blocking what they said, in denial about it, or just doesn't want to discuss it. Which is fine. But what's not fine is the total depression and the desire to have me turn into his personal maid. Lord help us when he goes on dialysis, or in a wheelchair.

And there's more....I'll start another post!

Thanks Robin!

I had started to post this morning, then deleted it because I thought, "oh why? Why share any more of my story with anyone else?" And then Robin's post came though.....so here I am again. But first, Thanks Robin for posting. I really do hope you get it all under control before it get's so out of control you can't. And I think that's where my hubby is....just so far out of control that there is no way to control this.

I've found a photo of what his feet look like and will try to post it here in my blog. No, I'm not going to photograph his feet....as he is totally unaware of my blog. This is "my" space....the place where I can vent. This is where I write my notes, my thoughts, my feelings. This is where I come when there is no place else for me to go.

This past week, he has had pain in his lower back. I have not had the energy to research this. But his pain has been disabling. He spent the entire weekend on the sofa. Thank goodness for me....I had a weekend away with my girlfriends....much needed laughing therapy! I left him on the sofa and came home to him on the sofa! I actually asked him if he had moved at all over the weekend! LOL!

He has cut the back out of his shoes and is now walking with his heels hanging over the backs of them. He's going out less and less as he can't walk much right now.

On the up side, his uric acid level is down from 11.6 to 6.0. Incredible progress on that one....between the meds and going off all red meat, I think we are on the right path with that. However....at 30% kidney function....I'm not sure how much longer what he has remaining is going to last.

So here's todays "food" for thought. He is on at least 20 different prescription drugs. Kidney function must be "stretched to the max" processing drugs. These are all in addition to the insulin injections that he receives. He's on meds for blood pressure, arthritis, pain, diahrrea, gout and just a whole lot of other problems that continue to crop up. And it seems that with each new drug, there are new additional side effects. Some of those are controlled with even more drugs. Yes, you should see our bathroom.

The funny thing is that you couldn't find a single pill in our house that would help if your nose started running, you got a sneeze or had a bad cough! LOL!

I think the more meds he takes, the less I am willing to take anything. I have worked hard and long to get myself off all drugs and have succeeded. Although I wonder at my age how long that will last and am seriously thinking I need to start something for my arthritis. But I am procrastinating and I know why!

Yesterday, I spent the day in a chemo unit with a dear friend who is going through breast cancer. As I looked around me, at nearly 50 other people receiving injections....all in various stages of that horrible disease, I realized that I am blessed. All I'm dealing with is diabetes. And as horrible as this disease is, I do not yet think it is as devastating as cancer can be to some.

Laughter is perhaps the best healing medicine of all time. I've had a fabulous weekend with dear old pals and we just laughed and laughed. So much so that I do think my jaws are still hurting.

Hopefully, one day soon, I can look back and find something about diabetes to chuckle about.

And life continues on....

It was NOT cancer. It WAS a diabetic dermopathy. Like I suspected. Isn't it amazing what you can learn from the internet? There are some pretty accurate photos that tell me exactly what is going on with his body. So sad that he doesn't car enough to study, research and learn. I guess I want to know what to expect next.

He has his major 6 month lab tests coming up on the 20th. He will get a new a1c, and we'll learn how all the other levels are doing. It will be interesting to see where we are. He acknowledged today the he has "restless leg syndrome"....I sort of had to chuckle. I'm not sure if that's what he has...but I haven't slept in the same bed with him in a month because every time I try...he jumps and bounces so much that I'm awake all night long. I asked him if he would consider talking to his doctor about sleep apne. He didn't answer me yes or no....but at least the thought is out there. I know he quits breathing several times every night. But again....he has to want to help himself. But I think it doesn't hurt to put the thoughts out there.

My design work is keeping me quite busy, spending late nights in my studio and traveling a bit. A particularily busy week this week. He says that he "misses me", but I continue to explain that I need to build a life, that my life doesn't stop because he doesn't want to go on. So today, he actually got up and walked on the treadmill for 5 minutes. And said he was going to try to walk some every day and ride the stationary bicycle. I felt like doing a victory dance!

He has had about 3 weeks of severe back pain....seems to need more and more naps. Is it the pain wearing him out? Or is something else going on? He is now working from home almost full time, will set alarms for meetings and sleep between phone calls. So far it seems to be working.

And he did say that he is thinking about trying to work for 3 more years, and then filing for disability. At least he has a goal....being able to work for 3 more years. I think that is good!

He also agreed to try to do one more trip through Europe. Mostly on the trains. I know it really is a struggle for him to move that much, but he would like to see the south of France, and I want to go back to Germany. So hopefully we can do that this fall....again, something to look forward to.

In general, all is quiet and I just wanted to check in and report that it wasn't cancer.

Melanoma or diabetic dermopathy or something else?

He has a spot on his left arm that he claims is skin cancer. He has had some of these burnt off in the past. His dad, also a diabetic, gets them and goes in every 3 months to have them all burned off. But about 4 weeks ago, this one developed a yellow tint to the edges, then started to grow as a lump. He scratches it, so the top is now a scab and it's hard to say what it might look like if he did not scratch it.

He went to a doctor today (finally, even though it was just a GP) and they are going to biopsy it tomorrow. He is certain that it is malignant cancer.

I think (due to the yellow edge around the scab) that it looks more like diabetic dermopathy or tophaceous gout.

I'm starting to think I should go to med school....just so I can understand what's going on. He is in complete denial that anything can be related to or caused by diabetes. I'm pretty sure everything new that is happening to him has some direct connection to his diabetes. I'd guess the answer is somewhere between those 2 factors.

It is exhausting some days just trying to stay one step ahead of what is happening to his body. There is still no change in his acceptance of this disease. I think there has been a change in me. This blog has been so good for me. It's at least a place where I can express my feelings rather than bottling them all up inside of me. I find myself getting out more, doing things with friends, creating a life for me. Perhaps I just got consumed with his disease and needed a few people to remind me that it's all his...not mine!

I am just so tired today!

And I know it's because I did not get any sleep at all last night. Because he was not sleeping. He would get up, toss, turn, flop....to the point the entire bed bounced several times over. He had gas so bad the puppies would run out from under the blankets, jump down onto the floor, go under the bed, then come back up and crawl under the blankets....until the next episode. And I was too tired to get up and leave the room but I finally did around 4 am.

I'm pretty sure the gas is a result of an eating binge consisting of Dove chocolate, Girl Scout cookies, potato chips and chips and salsa. Yep...for about 4 hours last night he couldn't quit eating junk food.

Sarah, I so understand about staying away to stay sane. I don't know how much longer I can sit here and watch this man kill himself. But today, I am just too tired to even think about leaving him.

And I can tell that he has gone to "that place" in his mind. Example. He hates going to the grocery store. We talked yesterday about going sometime today. But from past patterns, I know he has to work up to it and it's usually after lunch, late afternoon, before we go. So I got up, put on my painting clothes (yes, the wall painting is going quite slow, but I am on my second room!) and he sees me in these clothes and decides he wants to go to the grocery now.

Had I dressed to go shopping....he would not want to go til later.

It's a total no-win situation with him. So I simply told him I was painting this morning while the sun light is good and that we can go to the store later today, or he can go without me. Of course....he's angry. Of course, it's 9:30am and he hasn't had a thing to eat today.....after a sugar binge last night. And I don't think he got any better sleep than I did.

I'm starting to think it's time for another visit to therapy. He has started on another spending binge and he is looking to purchase some huge ticket items. We can afford the debt....but will he live to pay it off? His credit line is so good no one seems to turn him down. Why is it there's not some red flag at the bank that says "man with diabetes....may not live to pay this back"?

Buying is a sign of sure depression in my mind. He is trying to make his life better by buying something new. Or is it that he knows he is going to die and doesn't care about the debt/mess he leaves behind for me?

We do not need new things. He needs counseling, he needs help, he needs to get out of his denial, to process his own grief, to accept this disease and to learn how to control it and live with it. But a 4 hour sugar binge just sends him into a downward spiral. Hitting rock bottom for him only seems to initiate a spending binge.

Is there anyone else out there who is living with an out-of-control diabetic? How do you sit there and watch them destroy themselves and their family one step at a time? Do you just give up and walk away? Or are you like me, so tired you can't function?

His feet seem to be getting worse. In my mind, I have nicknamed him "the hobbler". He walks on the outsides of his feet, I'm sure to relieve the pain. The lumps seem to come and go in different places, some bigger than others. The drugs do not seem to be eliminating them at all. He wants to do less and less....and thus I seem to be doing more and more. Maybe that's why I'm so tired?

Today, I'm going to clean out paperwork. Really...it's a form of therapy for me. Doesn't require any physical activity and I will feel good when it's all organized and I can find stuff when I need it.

And maybe take a long nap this afternoon and just send him to the store alone! LOL!

And he says, "Look, my feet are better"......

and I'm thinking "your eyesight is getting worse!" But I didn't say it! LOLOL!

I swear, I do not see any improvement in his feet at all....but perhaps they are feeling better, so I'm going to take this as a positive note in our battle to hang onto all 10 toes! I see him hobble and am not so sure there is any improvement. But life goes on. And I am really pushing him to be a bit more active, to do things, to get out and about.

We made it to LA and San Diego and back in the past few weeks and that is great. I know there were moments when he wanted to give up, but he was a real trooper, helping me out with my projects and work. Travel is always so hard as it's nearly impossible to eat right. I give him credit for really trying to stick to a low purine diet. I just need to convince him that a serving is closer to 3 ounces than 10 ounces! LOLOL! And I need to convince him that when it says 4 servings per week....that doesn't mean you can change the day you "start" your week on whenever you want!

My, he can be funny and taxing at the same time!

I am moving forward with my life. Painting the walls in our house once again. Trying to bring in some color, make things a bit brighter. I've started with the "exercise" room which used to be a guest bedroom. Painted the walls eggplant and peri. OK...shades of purple which is his favorite color. Yes...in the hopes that he will go into the room more often! I have a TV on the wall and a treadmill and bicycle. Now...if I can just get him to use them! I'd love to add a bowflex and then the room would be done. Well, I still need to find a suitable lamp....then it will be done.

Next I'm starting in on the dining area. I'm so tired of plain off-white walls and long for color. And painting walls seems to be quite theraputic for me. Sort of like I'm getting the house ready to sell because I know the day is coming when he is going to be in a wheelchair and we can't stay here.

At the same time, I've relocated my space to the basement where I can spread out....and most importantly, I am not at his fingertips. He will have to get up and fetch his own drink of water, his lunch....I've told him I'm going to work from 8 - 5 every day in the basement.....and he is on his own. Maybe he will decide to start going into the office a bit more if I'm not a holler away! :o)

So, life goes on. At least the screaming and yelling seems to be put at bay for the moment. He does not seem to be quite so frustrated. But I know his blood sugar is still totally out of control and I know he is not eating right. And yes, I do think he is committing suicide one day at a time. But it is a bit like living with an alcoholic. I can't help him. No one can. And until he wants to help himself....all I can do is take care of me.

Hope you all are doing better as well.

January update

My gosh, I can't believe the month is almost half over already. Hubby's toe got so horrible that he took one of his needles and popped it! I know...how dangerous is that? It drained forever, then collapsed inwards, turned totally black...and then healed! I could hardly believe my eyes. But it was only temporary...it has started to swell, fester, turn red all over again.

Of course, now he will set a pattern and just pop it again when it gets so painful he can't stand it.

He "said" his doctor's visit was cancelled....but I'm beginning to wonder if he ever had one? He was supposed to reschedule today and did not. He is the worst person ever when it comes to going to see his MDs.

Our Christmas Eve was the absolute worst night of my life. His mother had a "melt down" (remember, she's the drama queen) while his dad and he were both going through sugar lows. Everyone was yelling and his mom was crying. I literally packed my bags up and told him I was heading home. Interesting how that shocked the insulin back into his system and he returned to a somewhat sane person. I stayed and the rest of our visit to his parents was halfway sane.

Things have been pretty calm since we returned. I think he realized that maybe he can't be there for every holiday, that when he is sick, he needs to just stay home and take care of himself. So all in all, the trip was an eye-opener and good for both of us.

His feet are still just horrible, but he is making a great effort to walk and do things. We leave in a week to go to southern California on a business/pleasure trip, so I'm very hopeful that we can make this trip and things will be good.

He has been pretty good at sticking to the low purine diet. But he is still eating way too much sugar/sweets. I feel sorry for him because I know how badly he wants a hamburger. And I'm so pleased that he has not given in. He's been on this new plan for 3 weeks now. At least it is a step in the right direction!

Holiday Stress

1. Wednesday am it started snowing. We were supposed to leave Thursday for a 15 hour drive to spend Christmas with his parents. By Thursday noon, we had 29" of snow and were busy blowing the stuff out of our driveway and most of our neighbors.

2. Friday morning, we decided to leave to beat the next front that was coming through. Hubby brought his bags downstairs and said, "I feel light headed and I can't get my breath." So I ordered him to just sit in the chair for a bit. About an hour later, he said he was fine and we took off. I argued that we didn't have to leave right then. We could wait til he felt better. We could wait at least a day until the snow had melted off the roads a bit more. Nope...there was another front coming through and we had to leave right then!

3. About 3 hours down the road, he asked me if I could drive. I said sure. Little did I know that he was terribly sick and I would end up driving almost the entire 12 additional hours. We drove til 8 pm and pulled over and got a hotel. We had been stopping almost every hour for him to go to the restroom. Severe diahrrea again. By the time we got to the hotel, he was running a fever, probably 102 - 103. Skin on fire. Not eating or drinking. Up all night long.

4. Next morning, same conditions for him. I have my laptop and start researching online and think it's a reaction to the colchicine and/or allopurinol they started him on about 2 1/2 weeks ago. In the back of my mind I seemed to remember reading about possible severe diahrrea, stomach cramps, burning sensations.....

5. I end up driving the entire 5 more hours to our destination while he sleeps almost the entire way, still stopping about once an hour for the restrooms.

6. We get to his parents house and he nearly collapses. I run to the store for some Peptol Bismol and a few things that he wants. Come back, he is no better. Find his mom's thermometer and his temp is at 102. Start him on tylenol. He has now not eaten in about 2 days and I'm certain we are heading for a major sugar crash, so I start talking to him about that. What can he eat? How is he going to prevent a sugar crash if he takes his insulin and doesn't eat? He assures me he will take care of it! I run back to the store for fruit and juice bars....the only thing he wants.

7. 10 pm...major sugar crash. good thing I had picked up a hershey's bar while at the store. Good news, his fever broke, and is back down to normal. Not nearly as many trips to the bathroom during the night.

8. His feet are looking worse than ever. He says it's because the swelling has started to go down, so all the nodules are more pronounced. I think it's because his kidneys are failing even more and the uric acid is going more and more into his body. He could barely walk at times during the potty breaks on the trip down. He couldn't even go to the grocery store to get what he needed. Seriously...TWO trips out on the night before the night before Chrismas? WHO in their right mind wants to fight all those shoppers? :o)

9. Wondering if some of the lumps and bumps on his feet are from gout...and some are from cholesterol deposits? How can you tell the difference? There are huge mounds that are yellow, and then small boils with yellow tips. totally red and inflamed looking around both. And then the sheer-skinned boils on his toe and now one on the side of his other foot. Just not good, no matter how you look at it.

So, my question. What is it in this man (or any person for that matter) that makes them feel an obligation to be with their mom and dad on Christmas Day when they are so ill themselves that they can barely function? He certainly will not enjoy the holiday and has only increased their stress as they know how sick he is. And it's not as though he is a child and about to receive a zillion presents...the man buys anything that he wants anyway! It's not for the holiday spirit as we are just going to have sandwiches for lunch for Christmas day. They are in their late 70s. His grandmother is in her 90s and lives with them. No one wants or needs a huge holiday meal. We could literally have waited a month and come down and perhaps had a better time and enjoyed each other's company even more. When (if ever) will he come to understand that his health is more critical and more important than the celebration of a holiday on a specific day? That you can celebrate life any day of the year...as long as you are alive?

And maybe my biggest question. He has severe diahrrea, a temp of 102, hasn't eaten in a couple of days....and STILL will not call his doctors.

From what I have read (and jump in here and help me out anytime!) his kidney function is so low that his kidneys can no longer process waste, so he is basically peeing inside himself...thus the build up of uric acid crystals? I think it's time for me to go research ESRD. How do you know if/when you are there?

I feel like I am slowly watching death take over this man. And I feel helpless as I cannot even get him to call the doctor when he is so obviously ill.

And what if they amputate his toe? If his toe can't heal...how can the stitches heal? And now the sore on the other foot...will they be carving out that part of that foot as well? The very thought of it really does make me feel nauseated. I read somewhere that he would have to wear a boot for 6 months and not be able to drive?

Well, yes, I guess I'm feeling a bit frustrated this morning, so I'm here blogging to get it out of my system!

I truly hope that your holiday is going better than mine! From my heart to yours, may you be blessed with a wonderful spirit-filled day!

5 Days on, 1 Day off!

Well, we are making progress. He stuck to his low purine diet for 5 days, but sort of blew it tonight having shrimp, which is shellfish....and he didn't even think about it! But we will get back on tomorrow. I'm pretty proud of him for sticking to it for 5 days without a single trespass!

When I suggested that we just become vegetarians...I think he nearly lost it! So, we will just label ourselves as "low purine" people and see if we can stick to it for the next 5 days.

And so far, the only adverse reaction to his new drugs are the sleepiness. He just needs more and more naps throughout the day.

Uric Acid and toe amputation

Well, he went to another doctor this week who told him his uric acid should be below 6 and it's over 11. If he doesn't get it down within the next 3 weeks, his toe will need to be amputated.

This doctor started him on 2 new drugs which are supposed to create even more diahrrea. Oh dear. And make him sleepy. The doctor told him even if he gets the uric acid to start to come down, it will take 10 years to get his feel straigtened out. So I suggested that 10 more years WITH his feet is better than having part amputated in 3 weeks. We will just have to survive the diahrrea and drowsiness somehow.

Enough to put the damper on even the brightest holiday season.

We have started the low purine diet. Any suggestions for great entrees that do not include meat, beans, sugar, cheese, eggs (need to get his cholesterol down as well). I think we will live on peanut butter for awhile!

Here's hoping your loved ones count 10 toes this holiday season.

My rights as a spouse of a diabetic

Do I have any? This is going to be tough for me to put into diplomatic words! LOL! I want to be serious...but this tiny little voice in my head just keeps repeating...."you have no rights.....you have no rights...." And yep, the annonymous poster who said I did not have the right to toss hubby's viagra got me to thinking....what are my rights?

I think I should have the right to live day by day without anyone screaming and hollering at me. I think I should be able to make it from sun up to sunset without my spouse getting completely and totally pissed off...just because he is in a low. I think I should have the right to have a normal conversation with him..to discuss my feelings and emotions....and not have to worry about the time of day it is, if he is having a low or a high, if he has eaten recently. And mostly (read my past blogs) I think I should have the right to sleep in my own bed without someone else having an accident, waking me up in the middle of the night and asking me to change the sheets.

You can see where I am headed with this post. There are a lot of things that a healthy couple just take for granted. There are a lot of things that you would think would not even need to be thought of as "rights". But when you make the decision to stick with a spouse who has this disease....and ride the roller coaster of uncontrolled blood sugars....you actually give up all rights that you might ever have had.

The poster said that tossing out his viagra was a violation of trust. Trust me...it has absolutely nothing to do with "trust" and everything to do with survival. Viagra is not a necessary medical drug. And I stand by my thought that it should never be prescribed to someone who has such uncontrolled blood sugars. But when I think about it...what doctor (most being men) would have the guts to tell another guy he's not going to prescribe him viagra until he gets his BS under control? We all know you can get it online. I must get 400 emails a day offering it to me!!!

Which is more important...trust in a marriage...or survival of a marriage? Excellent question and I suppose the answer would depend on your ultimate goal. For me, in the past, there have been so many times when just mere survival was the highest goal.

Does my husband go around and take things of mine and destroy them? Oh....well, once again....I "should" have the right to have personal property that is mine...that is left alone....that is not picked up and thrown against the wall and shattered into a hundred pieces when he is having a low. Once again..no, I do not have that "right". I pretty much have sold or given away anything that is breakable.

When a diabetic is in a true low...they do not know at all what they are doing. And they will not remember what they did. It's like you need a video camera, yet when you show them the film they will accuse you of having an actor do the piece. You just cannot win.

Why do I stay? Why am I willing to forego any rights that a normal wife might have? Why am I still here? Why do I put up with this? Trust me....I ask myself that a hundred times some days! And it does not help when my family and friends all tell me to give up and leave. My own mom said to me just recently, "I do not know how you do it...I couldn't."

I think part of it is the nurturing that comes naturally for women. We just want to take care of him, solve the problems, make him all better. Admitting that I cannot do that is part of my battle with this disease. And once you admit that....then what is the real reason you stay? I sure don't believe "love will overcome" this!

In so many ways, diabetes presents itself as an abusive marriage. If not physically abusive during lows and highs, then at least verbally and mentally abusive. Yet can you blame the person with the disease? Not when they do not remember what they say or do.

So let me refresh that comment...."I should have the right to a normal conversation/dinner/evening with my spouse". If anyone gives my husband a drug that will cause his blood sugars to elevate or drop....then surely I have the right to toss out that drug....as long as it is not mandatory for his health.

Really....who for one second thinks that the spouse of a diabetic has any rights? Well...maybe the right to walk out and never look back. Problem is...I still love him.

Low Purine Diet

I have finally found a website that shows photos that look similar to hubby's feet. The huge lump on the right photo....well, my hubby has multiple lumps like this on both feet.

http://www.arthritis.co.za/gout.html

Yes...you wonder how he walks at all. Well...not well. He mostly just limps. I do know that he has a very high pain threshold and I wonder if that isn't from years of dealing with this problem...being told that there was nothing that could be done...it was his Scottish DNA!

Upon further reading, I have found where these are quite dangerous for diabetics because sores can start from the inside and work their way outward.

In addition to these, he has all the little boils on his feet. The look like this:

http://health-pictures.com/conditions2/Carbuncle-picture.htm

But I believe they are caused by uric acid build up. I'm still doing my research on these.

Thinking today is the day to share some of my research....this site is very informative, yet rather scary....about memory loss in uncontrolled sugar levels.

http://www.diabetesselfmanagement.com/article.cfm?AID=367&SSL=n&page=1


And then I found this site, which particularily helped me to understand all the nerves that can be damaged by uncontrolled diabetes. I had really only heard about feet and eyes. This explains a lot of the diarrhea....as I'm sure the nerves in his stomach and intestines have been affected at this point.

http://diabetes.niddk.nih.gov/dm/pubs/neuropathies/#types

What scares me is the damage that you cannot see. I see his feet every day. I do not see what's going on in his heart. We know that his kidneys are down to 30% function. What else has been damaged?

Tomorrow we are going to start the low purine diet. I pray that he can stick with it for 6 weeks at least. He said that he would like to lose 10 pounds. He probably needs to lose 40-50 pounds if not more. OK...I'm just saying that he needs to lose that much within the next year...and then we can go from there.

Problem is that he literally can't walk....due to his feet....so dieting without exercise has to be to get healthy so that he can exercise to diet to lose weight. What a cycle!!!

I am not really looking forward to this holiday season because I know he will indulge in sugar....but perhaps if he will stick to this eating plan...he will see the benefits...and start to understand that diet and nutrition can have an impact on diabetes. Remember...he's the guy who's doctors tell him a carb is a carb is a carb....and he'd much rather get his carbs all from cookies, cake and donuts!

Viagra and Diabetes

OK...one of my husband's STUPID doctors prescribed Viagra for him because yes, he was having problems.

Now...I am NOT a doctor..but I'm NOT stupid either! Let's do the math here.

Increased exercise, increased excitement....release of glucose into the blood......

and the cycle continues

in a man who does NOT have his blood sugars under control at all (see previous blogs).

WHAT IS THE POINT of prescribing this to a man who goes up and down and is in that cycle where his "ups" cause his "downs"???

Sorry...but this is just one of those situations that left me laughing.

I threw the Viagra in the trash! I do NOT NEED MORE lows....where he screams and yells at me...then completely forgets what he's done!

No sex is THAT good! LOLOL!

We need to get his blood sugars under control FIRST. THEN we can work on restoring other functions!!!

Thanksgiving day update

I know I have not posted here in ages...I just have not felt like it. Interesting. Sometimes writing can be such great therapy...at other times it can be the hardest, most difficult thing to do. Probably because writing forces me to face truth....head on.

A few days ago I walked into this house, was walking up the stairs and thought, "I smell death". It was a total awakening. It shook me to my bones. So it is time for me to write here. But first, thanks to those of you who have posted worrying about us.

Hubby has severe chronic tophasus (sp?) gout on his 2nd toe. I had never seen anything so horrible in my entire life and when I saw it....I made him call the doctor. They put him on an antibiotic and it is improving, slowly....but my goodness! I do not understand how he could ever let it get to that point. It just happened overnight. I had been traveling for work for about 3 weeks...home 3 days a week, gone 4 days a week....and had not had a moment to look at his feet. Ok...I will not let that happen again! But my never ending question....why does he not take care of himself?

On a side note, I have been working on my certification in Art Clay Silver....following the therapist's recommendation that I get a life of my own! ACS is clay that you shape and fire in a kiln. The clay burns off and the remainder is .999 fine silver. I went for my senior certification...3 fun filled days up in a cabin in the mountains, with my sister....and one of the items I created was a pendant with a backwards question mark made of hammered, heated brass in the center of it. The instructor informed me that my question mark was in backwards and I needed to start over. I said, "No, I want it that way." And when she asked me why, I replied, "because the question cannot be answered!"

And yes, I was thinking of the question that never ends for me....why does he not take better care of himself?

I have 2 thoughts on this and please, feel free to chime in with your thoughts.

One...he has decided that he is going to die and he just wants to live the rest of his life the way he wants. He has accepted his course, is not going to try to improve or prevent deterioration, and is just going to do what he wants from here on out. As evidenced by the cheesecake, pumpkin pie, chocolate muffins and who knows what else that I did not see him put in his mouth today. I often wonder if I had this disease, might I make a similar decision? It is WORK to eat healthy, force an aching body to exercise, deal with pain....and it's often easier to just not work at getting well. So you give up and just do the best you can with what you have.

Two...he is still in denial. I wonder about that. We had a discussion just yesterday where he is blaming his HMO for the deterioration in his condition the past 2 years. He said, "3 years ago we did the ......marathon and I was in the best shape ever. I have just gone so far downhill since then. It's all their fault because they switched all my meds." (and that's about when he switched to his current HMO). But I said to him, "No, sweetie, your kidney function was down to 30% when you switched HMOs. They HAD to take you off the meds and put your on insulin as your kidneys could no longer handle the pills. Your health was deteriorating with the old HMO....and they never let you know."

Dead silence. He KNEW I was factual.

That sort of told me that this guy is still totally in denial...trying to put blame on someone, anyone, and not dealing with what is happening to his body.

Sexual dysfunction? Oh...we are so there already. And it just doesn't seem to bother him. We constantly say that we "should" make love....but every time either one of us initiates it, he is too sore, too tired, sick....the list is endless. I have come to accept it as part of what this disease does to a person. I've done the research.

I've also learned that the huge lumps on his feet that 2 different doctors at 2 different HMOs told him were due to his gnarly Scottish ancestry are in fact related to the gout. And that the white pussy boils on his feet are probably uric crystals due to kidney failure. But you know...who am I? Just the wife....not the doctor....so I'm not listened too at all!

In my research, I read that he should be on a low purin diet....so I have started that in a very subliminal way....fixing pasta without meat....stuff like that. Purged the kitchen of a lot of stuff! Oh...we wives...we can be so devious! :o)

Part of me is torn between me finding a life of my own and me wanting to help him get well. But slowly, I am coming to realize that the decision has to be his alone and I can't have much (if any) input into it. I know he is probably on a path of self destruction. I know he will most likely be dead in 5 - 10 years. I honestly think in many ways I have started to grieve the loss of him in my life. I know I grieve the loss of our activities together as there are so many things that we cannot do. At the same time, I am seeking out things that we can do together.

We purchased a new ATV in August and did manage a few weekend rides. Something he can do and he enjoys, even though he got tired quite often. Changing his shots to 3 per day (6 am, 6 pm and 10 pm) has helped some of the really "lows" that he was having. And I know I am getting better at identifying the lows when they start to hit him and offer him a snack.

There are many nights when I get up and go sleep on the sofa as he thrashes quite harshly....to the point that I cannot sleep. I lay there and just cry. Again...part of my own personal grieving. I love this man dearly. And watching death is not easy, nor anything that I welcome in my life. Longing to do the things that I love, but unable to do them with me....it's my greatest heartache.

Today, we drove 3 hours to have Thanksgiving with my family. I am so glad that we went and everyone got to see him. I am so thankful that he is here with me this year and that we can still do things like drive 3 hours to visit family. Even if he wore socks and sandals.....and we kept all the little kids away from his feet....it has come down to enjoying the simple things in life with him....as long as I have him.

Note to self...reread this the next time he totally pisses you off!!!

I think with the daily business of diabetis, as his wife, and a person who does not have this awful disease, I do forget to be thankful that he is still here with me. In the middle of a sugar low, when he is ugly and yelling....I'm not really thankful for much of anything!

For anyone reading this who does have this disease, I hope you will read this and know that I am just one spouse....there are probably millions of us out there that have to deal with this disease on a daily basis. It is not easy. There are days when I think I can't stay with him another second. But then, there is Thanksgiving, when we pause for a moment, and even in the midst of all that we do not have, I can be thankful for what we do have.

Happy Thanksgiving to each of you!

Our joint visit to a diabetic nutritionist

I had pre-typed up most of my questions for today's visit. Here are the answers:

Q. My husband had one doctor who told him the lumps on his feet were due to his Scottish heritage. Yet I have read online that they are due to uncontrolled diabetes.

A. Dr. took one look at his feet and said she was not comfortable with them at all. She is going to call his doctor and get an RX for infection ordered for him.

Q. Is the infection in his hand related to gout? I have read that it is.

A. It is most likely related to uncontrolled sugar. The antibiotic should help this as well.

Q. He has had the blister/boil on his toe for weeks now. How long can his body tolerate this before the toe “dies”?

A. A sore like this can be there for quite a long time without the tissue going dead.

Q. When you test your blood sugar, how accurate is the reading? Is there a lag time to events that impact blood sugar? We have a tunnel on I-70, just east of Idaho Springs, and every time you come through it east-bound, everyone slams on their brakes. Sometimes it starts 50 miles west of the tunnel. You never see what made the first car slam on their brakes. But you know that a normal driver would not slam on their brakes to go through a 2 lane tunnel in the middle of the day! Is it possible that a person could be in the process of crashing but their blood sugar levels read normal because that hasn’t caught up with what is already going on inside the body?

A. There is no lag time. As long as your meter is accurate, it is accurate at that moment. But you would need to take it every moment…to know what is going on all the time.

Q. If you only test 3 – 4 times a day, what about all the other moments in the day? I understand that testing gives you a gauge, a measurement, but can you test and be normal and then 30 minutes later be crashing? Is it possible even if it’s not common?

A. You only get a reading for the specific moment that you test. It is possible to crash 30 minutes after a normal reading, depending on what’s going on.

Q. What is the impact that adrenaline has on blood sugar?

A. It goes up.

Q. If you smash your thumb really hard and adrenaline rushes in your body….doesn’t that have an impact on insulin/blood levels?

A. Yes, it goes up.

Q. I’m going to assume it would be a much more acute impact than and event that occurs that has a slower change in release of adrenaline in the system, like an argument with a co-worker or a fight with your spouse?

A. Your blood sugar will go up when adrenaline goes up.

Q. If there are tiny little events that occur all day long that release adrenaline into your system, does the “build up” of these events have an impact on insulin/blood sugar levels?

A. Yes, it goes up.

Q. How fast does the body react to this type of adrenaline build up?

A. No real answer given to this question.

Q. Does weather have an impact on insulin/blood sugar levels? For instance, if it is over 100 degrees, and you go outside for a bit, will there be a change? And if so, is the inverse true that when you go back inside into air conditioning there is a change? I’m simply asking because there is no AC at his parents house and he seems to need more sleep when he is there.

A. She did not know of this, but thought that secondary issues could cause blood sugar to change. For instance, if it is really hot, and you don’t drink enough water, and you become dehydrated, there would be a change in blood sugar. It is often the secondary conditions that cause changes in the blood levels, not the specific event that we are looking at.

Q. Does an illness have an impact on insulin production and blood sugar levels?

A. Yes

Q. Diabetes is a serious of losses. It starts with the addition of medicine and the loss of freedom to live without it. It progresses at various stages. You lose the freedom to eat what you want, then you start loosing body functions. Each loss has to be grieved. The grief process in itself must have some impact on the body’s insulin production and thus the sugar levels?

A. Yes, it does.

Q. If additional grief is added to the equation (loss at work, loss of a family member, etc.) does this impact as well? It seems to me that it would/could.

A. Yes.


Q. Neuropathy is the loss of sensation at the end of nerves?

A. Yes

Q. It happens in the feet, usually first? But it can progress to other areas of the body such as the finger tips, legs, hands arms?

A. Yes.

Q. It can extend to your intestines and cause diabetic diarrhea?

A. Yes

Q. It can affect the nerves that serve the heart?

A. Yes

Q. It can cause low blood sugar unawareness where you do not recognize the signs of hypoglycemia?

A. Yes

Q. And it can cause pain in the thighs, hips, and/or buttocks and lead to weakness in the legs?

A. Yes

Q. It can affect the eyes as well?

A. Yes

Q. When does diabetes have an impact on memory loss? The brain’s fuel is glucose. Extended periods of elevated glucose or low glucose contribute to memory loss?

A. Yes.

Q. High blood sugar causes permanent brain damage?

A. Yes

Q. Low blood sugar alters the brains function and temporarily impairs memory. It’s usually short-term memory. Thus, when blood sugars are low, the diabetic may not remember what was said in a normal conversation?

A. Yes.

Q. High blood sugar causes the nerve endings to be sensitized. The diabetic can be quite agitated and become angry?


A. Yes.

Q. Low blood sugar can cause “hypoglycemic rage”. Is this the body’s normal reaction to low blood sugar? You get angry, adrenaline kicks in, insulin is produced, blood sugar levels rise? Anger drives up blood sugar levels. Yet, due to the impaired memory function of low blood sugar, the diabetic may not remember that they were angry?

A. Yes.

Q. If the body reacts to low blood sugar by overcompensating, which results in high blood sugar (the Somogyi effect) and this is going on inside the body in a non-stop fashion, could actual blood sugar readings appear normal when in fact, they are not?

A. Yes. The liver stores sugar and when blood sugars drop, the liver will release a gush of glucose into the system. This happens regardless of anything else going on. What we want to do in this case is to shut down the liver. Even if blood sugars go high for a few days. You do this by decreasing the amount of insulin. Shut down the liver until we can stop the lows, which will level out the blood sugars.

You can actually have a low, the liver releases glucose and you go past “normal” into a high. You then take insulin, which puts you back to the low…and this cycle is known as the Somogyi effect. Again, the way to treat this is to shut down the liver, stop the lows, go for high for a short period of time, then bring the “highs” back down.

Q. I have been told that this is not my disease. I understand the premise of that concept. However, the impacts of this disease are in my life 24/7. I need to know how I can live day-to-day without living with the impacts of this disease. It is in my life 24/7. So, although this is not MY disease, this is MY life, and the disease is a huge part of my life. How do I live with the insane decisions that are made? The decisions that are made with no discussion with me? The decisions that do have an impact on my life that I have no input into? How do I live with the angry outbursts that are pointed directly at me? Words do hurt. Even when your brain tells you they were spoken during a low blood sugar outburst.

A. I understand your frustration and I do agree that although this is not your disease, you do have to live with this disease all the time. What the 2 of you have to do is to come to some kind of agreement as to what to do about decision making. When a diabetic is in a low, it is not the time to make any kind of decisions.

Q. OK, but if he continues to make decisions when he is in a low…and I have to continue to live with the outcomes of those decisions….what do I do next?

A. You have to make the choice to live with it, or to move on.

Q. Let’s say that he makes a decision to continue as he has. It is his life and he wants to live it like he wants. What choices do I have? What are my options?

A. It is obvious that the 2 of you have a lot of issues to work out. But as for the diabetes. It is his life. It is his decision. You cannot make the choice for him. If he chooses to not take care of himself, then you will have to decide what to do with that choice. Can you continue to live with him knowing that he is not going to take care of himself? It is a difficult decision.

We had a lengthy discussion after that about his current blood levels. When she wrote them on a grid, it went something like this:

Morning Noon Dinner Bedtime
159 90 90 110
125 152 145 130
115 100 159 128
90 98 120 115

And his A1c is 6.3. Which he has always said to me is in good, normal range. But she explained it a bit differently. She said that in order to get an A1c of 6.3, your blood sugars would range between 90 and 120. So for every time in the grid above that he has gone above 120, he has also gone below 90. So the 6.3 is NOT a good reading because he is having too many lows.

She asked him how many lows he had per week and he said 2. She said from looking at just the past 4 days, he must be having more than 2 per week and not being aware that they were occurring. She added that this desensitization to levels is normal in someone with as much kidney failure as he has.

She recommended that he change his diet and eat at least 60 grams of carbs per meal, 3 times per day. She wants him to keep his AM insulin the same, but split out the evening. Leave the R the same at 6 pm and drop the N to 40 at 10 pm. He was not happy about adding a 3rd shot per day, but agreed to try this starting tonight for the next 5 days. He agreed that if his sugar goes over 200 he will continue, but if it goes over 300, he will stop. He is to call her in a week for an update.


I feel a little better…that at least all the questions I had written down, for the most part, received the same answers as what I had found online. And I am relieved that when she looked at his feet, she was as concerned as I have been.

I felt when we walked out of her office that he was a time bomb waiting to go off. I’m sure this will come back to haunt me….and that is why I am writing up these notes…to remind him of our conversation with her.

My next step…seeking marriage counseling from a regular counselor. My hope is that if his blood sugars can get regulated, then we can move on to working together to resolve the other problems….which may well go away if/when the blood sugars can be regulated.