His doctor called this morning. The MRI shows a narrowing of the spinal column. Going to prescribe him percocet for the pain and has referred him to a neursurgeon. May require surgery, or an injection.
So I asked him if he had heard from the endocrinologist yet (thinking that adding another drug can't help his kidney function) and he said, yes, I talked to her on the way home Friday, don't you remember?
I'm thinking, no, I don't remember that at all. I said, "I thought that was your diabetic nurse?" He said, yes, that's her.
So I very calmly (thinkin he's having a morning low - getting a little testy?) said, "I know you talked to her, but have you heard from the endocrinologist?" He said, "I never said I heard from the endocrinologist."
OK, deciding to prepare for an all out argument, I just go for it....
"You said you had a referral to a cardiologist, and to an endocrinologist."
He said, "I never said that all. I have a referral to a cardiologist and my diabetic nurse called me."
So WHATEVER!!! I dropped it right there. Who knows what his doctor says? Proof he is going to continue to lie to me about all of it. That he is going to say one thing one day and change his story 3 days later so that he can continue to do exactly what he wants to do whenever he wants to do it.
I can't help him. Seriously!!! I realize that he is starting into a low this morning and the best thing that I can do is merely walk away. Stress doesn't help. He's supposed to have today and tomorrow off from work and his boss is back on the phone with him with their "special" "emergency" project.
Glad I have my art!
DW
Monday, January 18, 2010
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Glycemic index test.
Here's a great test I found online - answer the question before you read the answer! Then ask these same questions to your spouse.....see what they don't know! Mine missed over half. Quite the wake up call!
1. Potatoes are a better food for diabetics than ice cream. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Potatoes measure 98 on the glycemic index. Glucose measures 100. Potatoes and some other foods are similar to glucose in the rate that they enter the bloodstream and result in rapid rises of blood sugar. Ice cream surprisingly is about one half the measure of potatoes on the glycemic chart.
2. Whole wheat bread is a lot better for diabetics than white bread. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Whole wheat bread and white bread are about the same on the glycemic chart. The type of fiber in whole wheat bread is mainly called insoluble fiber. This type of fiber is important to the body, but it is not the main type of fiber that slows down blood sugar releasing into the bloodstream. Additionally, whole wheat bread and white bread both metabolize high amounts of glucose into the bloodstream. For both these reasons whole wheat bread is not much better than white bread in the rate which it raises blood sugar.
3. Orange juice is better for a diabetic than carrots. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. Orange juice is twice as low on the glycemic chart as carrots. Another observation is almost all the vegetables like carrots, potatoes, parsley, and others that have parts of the plant that grow below the ground are high on the glycemic index. For example, on the glycemic index only sweet potatoes and yams are moderate. So a rule of thumb might be to avoid eating root vegetables unless you are sure they only raise blood sugar moderately. Also go very easy on fruit juices. Juices can lead to insulin surges. If you want to drink juice consider having it during a meal with fiber. The fiber will slow down the absorption of sugar in the blood. Another way to slow down absorption of sugar from juice is to add multi-fiber supplements to the juice (the body needs different fibers and this is why multi-fiber is advised).
4. Brown rice is much better than ice cream. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Ice cream is about 40% better than brown rice on the glycemic chart. (Many diary products are high in fats. Consider low-fat and non-fat diary products when possible.)
5. Soybeans are about the best food for a diabetic. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. Soybeans are an excellent food for a diabetic. It is about the lowest food on the glycemic chart. In addition, it is high in protein. Diabetics need more protein than a non-diabetic does. For more information read the article "Diabetics Need Additional Protein" and Understanding High Protein Diets for Diabetics". Essentially diabetics are in a chronic catabolic state (a state of constant breakdown) and protein is needed to repair this constant breakdown. Diabetics need more protein to keep up with the rate of breakdown and destruction going on in the body. Soybeans are an excellent way for a diabetic to get protein. Also soybeans are loaded with fiber, including the soluble type that slows down rising blood sugar. Additionally, soybeans may improve thyroid function. This can assist in keeping metabolism high, which can aid in keeping weight off. There are many other benefits of soy products. We recommend a diabetic consider eating soy products at least once or twice a day (except soy sauce and soybean oil, which contain very little soybean protein).
6. Whole-grain rye bread is 40% better for a diabetic than brown rice. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. About the best bread a diabetic can eat is whole grain rye. It is about 40% better for a diabetic than brown rice on the glycemic chart.
7. Russet potatoes are better for a diabetic than fruit. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Russet potatoes act almost as fast entering the bloodstream as glucose. Fruits contain fructose and this is released much slower into the blood than glucose. Fructose on the glycemic chart is a 20. It might be a good idea to use fructose as your sweetener whenever possible. For example, use dried fruit to sweeten cereals and avoid buying cereal with sugar added. Another sweetener diabetics might consider, found at health food stores, is called Stevia. It is an FDA approved "dietary supplement for nutritional benefits." The extracts of Stevia are approximately 30 times sweeter than cane sugar, or sucrose, yet has only 1/300 of the caloric value. It can be used both hot and cold and thus can be used in baking. It is water-soluble.
8. Wholegrain foods are better for diabetics than foods in the bean family. Yes or no.
The answer is no. Beans are much better on the glycemic index than whole grain foods.
9. About the best foods for a diabetic are bread, cereal, potatoes, rice and pasta. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Most bread and starches quickly convert into glucose, which can raise blood sugar levels rapidly. This is not exactly the way people perceive grains. However, grains can lead to weight gain, as well as blood sugar surges. Diabetics need to watch their grain and starch intake carefully. Most grains and starches are high on the glycemic index.
10. Oatmeal is better for a diabetic than corn flakes. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. Oatmeal is about twice as low on the glycemic index than corn flake.
11. Honey is better for a diabetic than fructose. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Honey is nearly the same as glucose on the glycemic index. It is an 87 and glucose is a 100. Fructose is only 20! Beware of honey. It is not a food diabetics can afford to eat often.
12. Brown Rice is better for a diabetic than spaghetti. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Spaghetti is much lower than brown rice on the glycemic index.
13. Diary products are high in sugar. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Diary products are not high on the glycemic index. It is advised on diary products to check the carbohydrates and fat content.
14. Bananas and raisins are better for a diabetic than orange juice. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Orange juice is better than bananas and raisins on the glycemic index. Be careful with juices. The sugars in juices can cause insulin spikes. It is advised to take juices with fiber supplements or fiber meals. Drink only a little juice per day if necessary.
Just google glycemic index if you want to know. Problem is - you can't force a grown man to eat his veggies!!!
DW
1. Potatoes are a better food for diabetics than ice cream. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Potatoes measure 98 on the glycemic index. Glucose measures 100. Potatoes and some other foods are similar to glucose in the rate that they enter the bloodstream and result in rapid rises of blood sugar. Ice cream surprisingly is about one half the measure of potatoes on the glycemic chart.
2. Whole wheat bread is a lot better for diabetics than white bread. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Whole wheat bread and white bread are about the same on the glycemic chart. The type of fiber in whole wheat bread is mainly called insoluble fiber. This type of fiber is important to the body, but it is not the main type of fiber that slows down blood sugar releasing into the bloodstream. Additionally, whole wheat bread and white bread both metabolize high amounts of glucose into the bloodstream. For both these reasons whole wheat bread is not much better than white bread in the rate which it raises blood sugar.
3. Orange juice is better for a diabetic than carrots. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. Orange juice is twice as low on the glycemic chart as carrots. Another observation is almost all the vegetables like carrots, potatoes, parsley, and others that have parts of the plant that grow below the ground are high on the glycemic index. For example, on the glycemic index only sweet potatoes and yams are moderate. So a rule of thumb might be to avoid eating root vegetables unless you are sure they only raise blood sugar moderately. Also go very easy on fruit juices. Juices can lead to insulin surges. If you want to drink juice consider having it during a meal with fiber. The fiber will slow down the absorption of sugar in the blood. Another way to slow down absorption of sugar from juice is to add multi-fiber supplements to the juice (the body needs different fibers and this is why multi-fiber is advised).
4. Brown rice is much better than ice cream. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Ice cream is about 40% better than brown rice on the glycemic chart. (Many diary products are high in fats. Consider low-fat and non-fat diary products when possible.)
5. Soybeans are about the best food for a diabetic. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. Soybeans are an excellent food for a diabetic. It is about the lowest food on the glycemic chart. In addition, it is high in protein. Diabetics need more protein than a non-diabetic does. For more information read the article "Diabetics Need Additional Protein" and Understanding High Protein Diets for Diabetics". Essentially diabetics are in a chronic catabolic state (a state of constant breakdown) and protein is needed to repair this constant breakdown. Diabetics need more protein to keep up with the rate of breakdown and destruction going on in the body. Soybeans are an excellent way for a diabetic to get protein. Also soybeans are loaded with fiber, including the soluble type that slows down rising blood sugar. Additionally, soybeans may improve thyroid function. This can assist in keeping metabolism high, which can aid in keeping weight off. There are many other benefits of soy products. We recommend a diabetic consider eating soy products at least once or twice a day (except soy sauce and soybean oil, which contain very little soybean protein).
6. Whole-grain rye bread is 40% better for a diabetic than brown rice. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. About the best bread a diabetic can eat is whole grain rye. It is about 40% better for a diabetic than brown rice on the glycemic chart.
7. Russet potatoes are better for a diabetic than fruit. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Russet potatoes act almost as fast entering the bloodstream as glucose. Fruits contain fructose and this is released much slower into the blood than glucose. Fructose on the glycemic chart is a 20. It might be a good idea to use fructose as your sweetener whenever possible. For example, use dried fruit to sweeten cereals and avoid buying cereal with sugar added. Another sweetener diabetics might consider, found at health food stores, is called Stevia. It is an FDA approved "dietary supplement for nutritional benefits." The extracts of Stevia are approximately 30 times sweeter than cane sugar, or sucrose, yet has only 1/300 of the caloric value. It can be used both hot and cold and thus can be used in baking. It is water-soluble.
8. Wholegrain foods are better for diabetics than foods in the bean family. Yes or no.
The answer is no. Beans are much better on the glycemic index than whole grain foods.
9. About the best foods for a diabetic are bread, cereal, potatoes, rice and pasta. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Most bread and starches quickly convert into glucose, which can raise blood sugar levels rapidly. This is not exactly the way people perceive grains. However, grains can lead to weight gain, as well as blood sugar surges. Diabetics need to watch their grain and starch intake carefully. Most grains and starches are high on the glycemic index.
10. Oatmeal is better for a diabetic than corn flakes. Yes or No.
The answer is yes. Oatmeal is about twice as low on the glycemic index than corn flake.
11. Honey is better for a diabetic than fructose. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Honey is nearly the same as glucose on the glycemic index. It is an 87 and glucose is a 100. Fructose is only 20! Beware of honey. It is not a food diabetics can afford to eat often.
12. Brown Rice is better for a diabetic than spaghetti. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Spaghetti is much lower than brown rice on the glycemic index.
13. Diary products are high in sugar. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Diary products are not high on the glycemic index. It is advised on diary products to check the carbohydrates and fat content.
14. Bananas and raisins are better for a diabetic than orange juice. Yes or No.
The answer is no. Orange juice is better than bananas and raisins on the glycemic index. Be careful with juices. The sugars in juices can cause insulin spikes. It is advised to take juices with fiber supplements or fiber meals. Drink only a little juice per day if necessary.
Just google glycemic index if you want to know. Problem is - you can't force a grown man to eat his veggies!!!
DW
Friday, January 15, 2010
Diagnosis
His complete diagnosis as of this week:
Angina Pectoris
Intermittent Claudication
Diabetes Mellitus, Type 2 w/complications
Chronic Renal Failure
Diabetes Type 2 with severe chronic kidney disease
hypertension
hyperlipidemia
gout, tophaceous
Phones been ringing off the wall. All of his care providers are calling. Apparently his A1c is over 9.
I heard him tell his diabetic nurse that he takes his insulin at 8 am, 6 pm and 10 pm. Unfortunately, the sad fact is that he takes the 6 pm at 10 pm....therefore only 2 shots a day, 8 am and 10 pm. I'm pretty sure I wrote that as a note here about a year ago.
I quietly told him that he really needs to be honest with his nurse. He cannot expect his doctor to give him a treatment plan that will work if he is going to continue to lie about what he does.
He told her that he would test numerous time a day. That was yesterday at noon. He hasn't tested once. I'm sure he will just make up a chart and give it to her. While I can't blame him (I don't think I'd want to prick myself that much either), I don't know how he thinks they can help him when he's not willing to be honest with them.
Not giving up on him yet!
DW
Angina Pectoris
Intermittent Claudication
Diabetes Mellitus, Type 2 w/complications
Chronic Renal Failure
Diabetes Type 2 with severe chronic kidney disease
hypertension
hyperlipidemia
gout, tophaceous
Phones been ringing off the wall. All of his care providers are calling. Apparently his A1c is over 9.
I heard him tell his diabetic nurse that he takes his insulin at 8 am, 6 pm and 10 pm. Unfortunately, the sad fact is that he takes the 6 pm at 10 pm....therefore only 2 shots a day, 8 am and 10 pm. I'm pretty sure I wrote that as a note here about a year ago.
I quietly told him that he really needs to be honest with his nurse. He cannot expect his doctor to give him a treatment plan that will work if he is going to continue to lie about what he does.
He told her that he would test numerous time a day. That was yesterday at noon. He hasn't tested once. I'm sure he will just make up a chart and give it to her. While I can't blame him (I don't think I'd want to prick myself that much either), I don't know how he thinks they can help him when he's not willing to be honest with them.
Not giving up on him yet!
DW
Thursday, January 14, 2010
It's a good day!
He just got back from his FP MD
1. a referral to an endo.....FINALLY - after asking for one for 3 years!
2. a referral to a cardio - the pain might be vascular
3. a referral for an MRI on both his back and his hip.
And a recommendation for bed rest.
It's a good day!!!
DW
1. a referral to an endo.....FINALLY - after asking for one for 3 years!
2. a referral to a cardio - the pain might be vascular
3. a referral for an MRI on both his back and his hip.
And a recommendation for bed rest.
It's a good day!!!
DW
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
No sex the rest of my life???
Tom's wife posted about never thinking she would give up sex at such a young age. Got me to wondering.
How many of you have found that there is no sex in your life?
I'm talking intercourse here. Nothing else "counts" for this poll.
So Just post "yes" if you have had to give up sex. No other comments needed unless you want to explain.
DW
How many of you have found that there is no sex in your life?
I'm talking intercourse here. Nothing else "counts" for this poll.
So Just post "yes" if you have had to give up sex. No other comments needed unless you want to explain.
DW
Read label first!
Yesterday, he could barely move at all, the pain in his hip was so intense. But it doesn't make sense to me. When he sits, he is constantly shaking his whole leg, moving his foot from the right to the left in a rocking motion.....which is movement. So he can sit and move it with less pain that when he stands to walk. Not real sure this is sciatic nerve like he thinks.
He did agree that when he sees the doctor tomorrow, he is going to tell them that "something" has to be done.
I honestly don't know how he can live with such intense pain. I asked him if he had thought about what he might do if the doctor ordered complete bed rest. He said "no". Credit to him for being so honest! But at least the thought is there now.
He also said that heat or cold don't seem to help at all. Just finding a comfortable postition and staying in it as long as he can stand is the best he can do.
His mobility has definitely been limited.
I know that comments are quite serious, but Pam I have to tell you that you gave me a chuckle! I doubt it matters if a spouse has diabetes or not.....a prescription bottle with a warning label should be a prerequisite!!! However, chuckling aside, I think more people writing about the side effects AND affects of diabetes on spouses, children, parents....all of it would be nice to have. There's not all the much out there even today. Perhaps because the stress of recalling it to write about it can be quite painful?
Pam wrote:
I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that he is only 45 and doing the roller coaster ride. That's not good. I feel for you and the kids. I know how it is here when my husband has a low and I am just so grateful there are no kids to witness it. But I do know that his children saw it when they were growing up (his previous marriage) and they simply see it as verbal abuse. The honestly hate their dad to this day and don't have much to do with him at all. Part of the reason I keep this blog is in the hopes that one day they might ask to read it....and will come to understand that his anger was never directed at them and that he has no clue that he did what he did to them.
I am sure you have already seen a counselor. They will most likely want to make sure that first and foremost you and the kids remain safe. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to make sure I had a "safehouse" to go to....and that I had an emergency exit route. Just in case he ever grabbed a knife..... After knowing that you have a safety plan, they will start you through the steps of counseling. I do think it would be great for the kids to see a diabetic counselor.....but find one who understands the highs and lows of glucose levels.
I still contend that you can't change him. You will wear yourself out taking care of 4 kids and him and working. Something will break. If you were to take one of the many stress tests available online you will see that you are close to overload.
No, I'm not trying to be a therapist for you at all. And because he doesn't want to help himself, chances are your situation isn't going to improve.
Write it all down. Ten minutes a day. Start a blog or journal. Be honest with what you write. Don't mince words. It's always good to have a record of behavior patterns during highs and lows. If he ever did physically harm you or the children, a diary is really good to have. But it's also a good release to write down your thoughts, your emotions, your anger, your grief (the loss of the man you married as he was then)....to "get it out of your system". Does not matter that others might not agree, might not see it your way.....it is simply your diary of what happens to you. And once in awhile, someone will comment that you have helped them just a little.
I have a post here somewhere that talks more about the relationship my husband had with his diabetic father and his non-diabetic children. Don't know if you could search and find it. But it's an interesting relationship now that they are adults. He's had diabetes since they were about ages 2 and 3. It's all they have ever known.
In the end, you still have 2 options. Stay or leave. :o) and I know you have read my "definitions".
DW
He did agree that when he sees the doctor tomorrow, he is going to tell them that "something" has to be done.
I honestly don't know how he can live with such intense pain. I asked him if he had thought about what he might do if the doctor ordered complete bed rest. He said "no". Credit to him for being so honest! But at least the thought is there now.
He also said that heat or cold don't seem to help at all. Just finding a comfortable postition and staying in it as long as he can stand is the best he can do.
His mobility has definitely been limited.
I know that comments are quite serious, but Pam I have to tell you that you gave me a chuckle! I doubt it matters if a spouse has diabetes or not.....a prescription bottle with a warning label should be a prerequisite!!! However, chuckling aside, I think more people writing about the side effects AND affects of diabetes on spouses, children, parents....all of it would be nice to have. There's not all the much out there even today. Perhaps because the stress of recalling it to write about it can be quite painful?
Pam wrote:
I wish I had read your blog BEFORE i got married!! It would have told me what was instore for me and I could have made the "stay or leave" choice when it was easier. Now I've been married for 4 yrs (together 10) and it is certainly a roller coaster. DH is 45 and getting worse every day. I didn't know much about being a diabetic, so when he was at an "angry" low/high i simply thought he was just being an A$$hole!! :) He was just put on insulin, (finally got a Dr that had a clue) and you would have thought the world was going to end the way he moped around for 2 weeks. I try to tell him, if you can't do it for yourself at least do it for your kids. We have 4 kids(2 2.5yr and 2 3 months) that don't understand Daddy really loves you, he just doesn't care to take his medicine, that's why he's mean. He looses his patience too quick with them, and i simply rush in and take them away. Talk about tiring. I've tried to explain that he NEEDS to take care of him self if he wants to see his kids grow up. Yet he still chooses to eat whatever whenever, not take his med and expect ME to do EVERYTHING. I work full time, have 4 kids to tend to, i cook, clean, etc... and he does...yup nothing!! When i found your blog (and Tom's wife) it makes me happy to see i'm not the only one. I am only 32 and still want a full life. I'm not sure how much more of this roller coaster i can take. Thanks for writing!!
Don't you wish our spouses were like a prescription bottle and came with some kind of SIDE EFFECT LABEL... will ruin your life, suck all the happines away, yell at you for no reason, fall asleep at the wheel.... etc? LOL!!
I can't tell you how sorry I am to hear that he is only 45 and doing the roller coaster ride. That's not good. I feel for you and the kids. I know how it is here when my husband has a low and I am just so grateful there are no kids to witness it. But I do know that his children saw it when they were growing up (his previous marriage) and they simply see it as verbal abuse. The honestly hate their dad to this day and don't have much to do with him at all. Part of the reason I keep this blog is in the hopes that one day they might ask to read it....and will come to understand that his anger was never directed at them and that he has no clue that he did what he did to them.
I am sure you have already seen a counselor. They will most likely want to make sure that first and foremost you and the kids remain safe. One of the best pieces of advice I ever received was to make sure I had a "safehouse" to go to....and that I had an emergency exit route. Just in case he ever grabbed a knife..... After knowing that you have a safety plan, they will start you through the steps of counseling. I do think it would be great for the kids to see a diabetic counselor.....but find one who understands the highs and lows of glucose levels.
I still contend that you can't change him. You will wear yourself out taking care of 4 kids and him and working. Something will break. If you were to take one of the many stress tests available online you will see that you are close to overload.
No, I'm not trying to be a therapist for you at all. And because he doesn't want to help himself, chances are your situation isn't going to improve.
Write it all down. Ten minutes a day. Start a blog or journal. Be honest with what you write. Don't mince words. It's always good to have a record of behavior patterns during highs and lows. If he ever did physically harm you or the children, a diary is really good to have. But it's also a good release to write down your thoughts, your emotions, your anger, your grief (the loss of the man you married as he was then)....to "get it out of your system". Does not matter that others might not agree, might not see it your way.....it is simply your diary of what happens to you. And once in awhile, someone will comment that you have helped them just a little.
I have a post here somewhere that talks more about the relationship my husband had with his diabetic father and his non-diabetic children. Don't know if you could search and find it. But it's an interesting relationship now that they are adults. He's had diabetes since they were about ages 2 and 3. It's all they have ever known.
In the end, you still have 2 options. Stay or leave. :o) and I know you have read my "definitions".
DW
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Looking at the "whole"
Tom's wife: Thanks for your post!
Your last paragraph really hit home. It would be nice if medical care providers and mental health therapists would actually look at the whole unit. I've said that before so many times. From what I've seen, my husband has a general practice doctor, one for his neuropathy, one for his arthritis, one for his vision. He has seen a dietitian. He has a really good pharmacist who double checks drugs all the time. He does not have an endocrinologist. A couple of these are referrals outside his HMO. As far as either of us can tell....none of them ever communicate with each other.
It seems that the mental health therapists have all simply explained the disease, given it a lot of fluff terms, told him the signs of depression to be on the lookout for. Left that up to him to self-diagnose!
No one has ever once asked him about his personal life or his functionality at work.
When he has a low, they want to change his meds to get his levels as even as they can. There is rarely ever a follow-up visit.
He had ONE nurse who actually took the time to chart his highs and lows and make recommendations to his doctor to change his insulin.
They all only seem to take care of the 1 or 2 things that their "speciality" calls for. They tell him that his GP is the one who oversees all this, but the GP only does a general physical when he visits him and will ask, "how is your diabetes, any changes?" and he will say "no" and that's the extent of their conversation.
I often wonder if it's because they have never experienced living with someone who has diabetes....that they don't fully comprehend what goes on in a "low". Doctors are no longer allowed to tell a patient that they are going to die if they don't follow a medical treatment plan. Did you know that? They can only provide you with positive, optimistic outcomes. So at best, his doc can tell him to cut back on fatty foods and sweets. But the other problem is that if the doctor were to ask my husband if he eats many sweets, my husband would tell him "no".
So you have the sad situation where a patient is willing to lie to the doctor in order to avoid the consequences.
They have told him that he is not a candidate for a pump.
The "new" dietetic lingo is "a carb is a carb" and my hubby has taken that to mean he can eat all the sweets that he wants. But if you google carbs, you can soon learn that there are different types of carbs that react differently in the body. I sure wish his dietitian would tell him that!
And I've been told by his HMO that they flat out do not provide any services for caregiver support. They gave me a video and 2 books that were pretty much related to a young person taking care of an elderly person....how to keep them clean, move them so they don't get bedsores....nothing related to highs and lows that diabetics go through, the rages, the anger....nothing at all
And finally, I'd like to get someone to tell me how to handle the situation of no memory when in a low. The nurse that provides me the best counseling has said that she doesn't have an answer for that one short of video taping him. But when we talked about that a little more, she agreed that bringing out a video camera when he was in a low would only provoke him to greater anger. She agreed that there is a very fine line to walk here and literally said, "I don't know how you do it." So, at least rather than denying it happens, she understood that it does.
And therein probably lies the whole problem. Diabetics who don't remember what they did during a low and spouses who won't/don't/can't confront them....and if we do, we are simply told that it didn't happen....because they don't remember it!
When the medical community wakes up and starts addressing the "whole" then we might find help. Until then, I do believe this dickering about words, terms, phrases, titles.....is just a way to get around addressing the real problems that are out there!
DW
Your last paragraph really hit home. It would be nice if medical care providers and mental health therapists would actually look at the whole unit. I've said that before so many times. From what I've seen, my husband has a general practice doctor, one for his neuropathy, one for his arthritis, one for his vision. He has seen a dietitian. He has a really good pharmacist who double checks drugs all the time. He does not have an endocrinologist. A couple of these are referrals outside his HMO. As far as either of us can tell....none of them ever communicate with each other.
It seems that the mental health therapists have all simply explained the disease, given it a lot of fluff terms, told him the signs of depression to be on the lookout for. Left that up to him to self-diagnose!
No one has ever once asked him about his personal life or his functionality at work.
When he has a low, they want to change his meds to get his levels as even as they can. There is rarely ever a follow-up visit.
He had ONE nurse who actually took the time to chart his highs and lows and make recommendations to his doctor to change his insulin.
They all only seem to take care of the 1 or 2 things that their "speciality" calls for. They tell him that his GP is the one who oversees all this, but the GP only does a general physical when he visits him and will ask, "how is your diabetes, any changes?" and he will say "no" and that's the extent of their conversation.
I often wonder if it's because they have never experienced living with someone who has diabetes....that they don't fully comprehend what goes on in a "low". Doctors are no longer allowed to tell a patient that they are going to die if they don't follow a medical treatment plan. Did you know that? They can only provide you with positive, optimistic outcomes. So at best, his doc can tell him to cut back on fatty foods and sweets. But the other problem is that if the doctor were to ask my husband if he eats many sweets, my husband would tell him "no".
So you have the sad situation where a patient is willing to lie to the doctor in order to avoid the consequences.
They have told him that he is not a candidate for a pump.
The "new" dietetic lingo is "a carb is a carb" and my hubby has taken that to mean he can eat all the sweets that he wants. But if you google carbs, you can soon learn that there are different types of carbs that react differently in the body. I sure wish his dietitian would tell him that!
And I've been told by his HMO that they flat out do not provide any services for caregiver support. They gave me a video and 2 books that were pretty much related to a young person taking care of an elderly person....how to keep them clean, move them so they don't get bedsores....nothing related to highs and lows that diabetics go through, the rages, the anger....nothing at all
And finally, I'd like to get someone to tell me how to handle the situation of no memory when in a low. The nurse that provides me the best counseling has said that she doesn't have an answer for that one short of video taping him. But when we talked about that a little more, she agreed that bringing out a video camera when he was in a low would only provoke him to greater anger. She agreed that there is a very fine line to walk here and literally said, "I don't know how you do it." So, at least rather than denying it happens, she understood that it does.
And therein probably lies the whole problem. Diabetics who don't remember what they did during a low and spouses who won't/don't/can't confront them....and if we do, we are simply told that it didn't happen....because they don't remember it!
When the medical community wakes up and starts addressing the "whole" then we might find help. Until then, I do believe this dickering about words, terms, phrases, titles.....is just a way to get around addressing the real problems that are out there!
DW
Monday, January 11, 2010
Definitions
The definition of staying:
You continue to live with your spouse. The one who is not following their medical treatment plan. You continue to support them. You fix their meals. You cook and clean for them. You keep all the sugar, sweets, treats out of your life because they don't need them in their life. When you both go out to eat, you tell them that they can't have dessert because you are on a diet . You are always on a "diet" because you are trying to keep the sweets away from them. You go without cake, pie or cookies for weeks/month/years.....while they continue to eat everything they can get their hands on. When you find candy wrappers in the side pocked of the car door, you know it wasn't yours.
You become a nurse, a parent, a coach, a mind-reader, a researcher. You worry if you are doing too much or not enough. Do you let them go low or do you force feed them? You give up any hope of a sexual relationship because all of the medications they are on have brought that to an end. You don't have too, you can always have an affair....but you won't behaving that kind of a relationship with the person you married.
When neuropathy attacks the intestines and they no longer can control their bowels, you become the cleaning person you never knew existed.
You live through their lows. You make sure they are getting enough fluids. If they happen to pass out, you call 911, you get them the medical care that they need. You worry. You fret. You pray. You go to counseling. You ask them to go, too. And even when they refuse to go, you still go knowing that you can't force them to change. You exercise in the hopes that they will join you. When they get sick, you are there to care for them. As their disease progresses, you give up more and more of what used to be your life in order to attend to their needs on a full time basis. You deliver meals to them in bed. You clean up the bedding after them. You assist them with their shots. You take their blood sugars for them. Your own personal time dwindles down to a bare shred of what it once was because most of your time is consumed taking care of them.
You come to learn that counseling is simply an expenditure you no longer need. Your spouse won't go with you. Your counselor finally advises you to find something else to do with your life, so you get a job, get a goal, have something to work towards which you find exhausting because you were still have to go home and be their primary care giver.
Your friends stop inviting you to join them because they have learned that you are really only free between breakfast and lunch, or lunch and dinner. You don't invite them to your home because you are spending too much time defending the horrible mood, rants and raves the diabetic might burst forth with at any time in the presence of your house guests. And as their ability to move decreases, you become more and more of a recluse as you become just as housebound as they are.
The definition of leaving:
All that ends.
Anyone who is the spouse of a diabetic, the primary caregiver, already understands these definitions. We don't have to itemize the things we know we have to do if we are going to remain in this relationship. Apparently those with diabetes need to be told in a very systematic fashion everything we already know we have to do for you!!! We don't need to be told that counseling is an option. Most of us have already been there, done that. It almost becomes mandatory as part of the process of making the choice to stay or leave. But when you exhaust all the counseling and the diabetic is still determined to stay on their own path of self destruction.....when the new year tolls and you suddenly realize that you have been doing this for 10, 15, 20 years or more, when you look in the mirror and see the person you have become being the primary caregiver for someone who doesn't care for themselves..... there are still only 2 options:
Do you stay?
Do you leave?
You continue to live with your spouse. The one who is not following their medical treatment plan. You continue to support them. You fix their meals. You cook and clean for them. You keep all the sugar, sweets, treats out of your life because they don't need them in their life. When you both go out to eat, you tell them that they can't have dessert because you are on a diet . You are always on a "diet" because you are trying to keep the sweets away from them. You go without cake, pie or cookies for weeks/month/years.....while they continue to eat everything they can get their hands on. When you find candy wrappers in the side pocked of the car door, you know it wasn't yours.
You become a nurse, a parent, a coach, a mind-reader, a researcher. You worry if you are doing too much or not enough. Do you let them go low or do you force feed them? You give up any hope of a sexual relationship because all of the medications they are on have brought that to an end. You don't have too, you can always have an affair....but you won't behaving that kind of a relationship with the person you married.
When neuropathy attacks the intestines and they no longer can control their bowels, you become the cleaning person you never knew existed.
You live through their lows. You make sure they are getting enough fluids. If they happen to pass out, you call 911, you get them the medical care that they need. You worry. You fret. You pray. You go to counseling. You ask them to go, too. And even when they refuse to go, you still go knowing that you can't force them to change. You exercise in the hopes that they will join you. When they get sick, you are there to care for them. As their disease progresses, you give up more and more of what used to be your life in order to attend to their needs on a full time basis. You deliver meals to them in bed. You clean up the bedding after them. You assist them with their shots. You take their blood sugars for them. Your own personal time dwindles down to a bare shred of what it once was because most of your time is consumed taking care of them.
You come to learn that counseling is simply an expenditure you no longer need. Your spouse won't go with you. Your counselor finally advises you to find something else to do with your life, so you get a job, get a goal, have something to work towards which you find exhausting because you were still have to go home and be their primary care giver.
Your friends stop inviting you to join them because they have learned that you are really only free between breakfast and lunch, or lunch and dinner. You don't invite them to your home because you are spending too much time defending the horrible mood, rants and raves the diabetic might burst forth with at any time in the presence of your house guests. And as their ability to move decreases, you become more and more of a recluse as you become just as housebound as they are.
The definition of leaving:
All that ends.
Anyone who is the spouse of a diabetic, the primary caregiver, already understands these definitions. We don't have to itemize the things we know we have to do if we are going to remain in this relationship. Apparently those with diabetes need to be told in a very systematic fashion everything we already know we have to do for you!!! We don't need to be told that counseling is an option. Most of us have already been there, done that. It almost becomes mandatory as part of the process of making the choice to stay or leave. But when you exhaust all the counseling and the diabetic is still determined to stay on their own path of self destruction.....when the new year tolls and you suddenly realize that you have been doing this for 10, 15, 20 years or more, when you look in the mirror and see the person you have become being the primary caregiver for someone who doesn't care for themselves..... there are still only 2 options:
Do you stay?
Do you leave?
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Side note to those with diabetes who read my blog.
I happen to believe that the entire Bible was written by Jews to the Jews, about Jews. My belief. Doesn't matter if you agree or not. We can argue the facts for hours on end. It's still my belief!
This blog happens to be written by the spouse of a diabetic, to other spouses, about my life as the spouse of a diabetic. It's not written about anything else, for anyone else or to anyone else. Pretty simple if you ask me! My blog. My life. We can argue the facts for hours on end. This is still my life - as the spouse of a diabetic.
But if you are a diabetic and have read past posts of mine, here are some questons for you to ponder. Have there been bits and pieces in them that have made you wonder if this is your future? Do you get mad about the things I write about becasue you are in denial of some type....that the things I write about would/could never happen to you? Does the very thought that your spouse might leave you because of your diabetes scare you? Do I touch a nerve....or the possibility of a nerve....that this might be you one of these days?
Give that some thought as you read through this.
Just read here. Then come back and let me disscect her post for you.
1. She’s young. Optimistic. Hopeful! Probably thirtysomething? Has diabetes herself. Does NOT have a spouse who has diabetes!!! We’ve obviously never met. She knows nothing about me personally. Only what I write about my life as the spouse of a diabetic. Something she couldn’t possibly understand because she is not the SPOUSE of a diabetic.
2. She wrote: “but more than 24 hours after the fact and as of this posting, his comment has yet to pixelate, proving the little bird correct.” How quick she is to come to judgement! I was in a remote area visiting my brother and his family – no internet access. My brother broke his back and I go visit once a month for a week to help out. I’m really not the evil person she thinks I am and for her to jump to a conclusion because I didn’t immediately respond to a comment….well, I’d call that unprofessional!!!
Note: Sorry to have to confess, but this blog does not consumemy life. I simply come here to post my notes....so I don't read your comments on a daily basis.
3. She put (sic) after my use of the word - affect. I used that word on purpose to mean the influence that highs, lows and drugs have on behavior. I used the word in it’s proper spelling. And she did not “get”it.
I have a graduate degree and truly understand the use of the English language, so her (sic)s were wrong. Again, incorrectly correcting someone else's grammer - not professional.
4. I read through her post a couple of times and saw no solution for Gregory other than for him to seek counseling. I find that self-serving. Someone who financially benefits from providing counseling….recommending counseling.
5. She says, "how about a little more support from those people who call themselves our diabetes care teams?"
Why does a diabetic EXPECT support from other people??? Be it professional, medical, personal. It seems to me that only those with the disease try to answer this question. They are the only ones who expect the support. Do they once ever write about the support that is nowhere for those who are supporting them?? Hardly!!! We know that there are numerous caregiver support groups available. I just wonder how many diabetics attend them. Do they even begin to comprehend what we go through as their primary caregivers? Do they even care? Seems to me that it's mostly about me, me, me when it comes from their viewpoint. What they need. What they want. What they EXPECT. I don't see them writing very much about supporting the caregivers they live with!
6. She claims that she does not play the blame game. But she does. She is blaming me for just about everything in the book. I think she called me every name in the book. When you call someone else a name - that IS blame! Truly the ultimate in being unprofessional. I can tell that she has absolutely no compassion or understanding whatsoever for the spouses of those diabetics who have chosen to not follow protocol offered to them by their “diabetes care team”.
7. she wants "the people with diabetes (to) end up winning". Who doesn’t? But at what expense? I would like to know if she has ever personally witnessed someone that she loves (not herself) in the middle of a sugar low. That would have to be her spouse, her mother, her father or a sibling. Probably not. I would like to know if she has witnessed them dying, one body part at a time? I doubt it.
I would highly recommend researching and reading about Christian Scientist diabetics. They refuse all medical treatment. What this disease does to their families is quite similar to those of us living with spouses who don't follow proper medical protocol. And there for the grace of God goes every single diabetic - saved only by the meds and diet they pursue. It is a natural progression to death and if you don't follow your protocol, the things I write about will in fact happen to you, and your spouse and loved ones will be right where we ae.
8. It is quite evident that she doesn’t want any of her readers to read my blog and if they do, she is more than happy to support their denial of what life is really life if you have a diabetic in your life who doesn’t follow their care plan. No, it does not have to be like this. It is purely a choice. But it was not a choice that I made. And because I post what my life is like loving and living with someone who has made this choice, she now labels me as toxic. I’d have to argue that living in denial is probably even more toxic.
Could it be that she is just a tiny bit afraid that this might one day be her own husband? That he might decide to leave her because she has diabetes? Because he simply gets tired of providing her the support that she "EXPECTS"? And in denying that as a possibility, she is telling everyone that what I write is "a shadow of doom"? It really isn't. It's real life. It can happen and it does happen. After all, he probably has another 30 years or so to go in order to catch up with where we are. I'd be very very tired of it at that point, wouldn't you?
9. The majority of today’s health care is capitated. Google it if you don’t understand it. If you have an on-going medical condition, you will be lucky to get the basic care that you need. You aren’t going to get mental health visits or therapy at all. Most likely, any mental health professional in your medical facility will be a generalist. They just don’t specialize in diabetes management. It would be wonderful to have something like that available, but we are not there yet. I am an artist. A well-known artist as I’ve had over 100 pieces of my work published in magazines and books. So I probably understand how important art therapy is to anyone, diabetic, spouse or otherwise. It is my personal therapy. But art is not something that every person out there understands...or wants to try. If you have read my blog from the beginning, you will know that I have exhausted (used up) all of the therapy available at my medical facility. I have a wonderful diabetes nurse who continues to work with me. And every single therapist I have seen have all agreed with me - the choice is always - stay or leave. And yes, we have been to couples counseling with a diabetic specialist. Once again, the writer read a few blogs and made her judgment calls. Unprofessional at best.
10. Name calling and making accusations about another person, especially someone that you do not know, is a cowards way out. She should simply take the “high” road and realize that I merely offer a different viewpoint. She doesn’t have to agree with it, but probably, as a professional, should acknowledge that my life does exist as I write it. I find it very interesting that my friends do not call me toxic or think bad of me at all. And I have numerous comments from others who seem to have a similar life, living with their diabetic spouses. It seems that the only people who have a problem with what I write are the people who have diabetes themselves. That should be a wake up call of some type. I write very realistically. I write what happens and my feelings about what happens. I write about life. And just because it makes you angry to read about it - certainly doesn't mean it's wrong for me to write about it!
Conclusion -
If you see hints of yourself in what I write, then do something about yourself. Don’t blame me because I write about it! If you are afraid that what I am writing might be true, and might happen to you or your spouse in the future, then do something about it now. Don’t blame me! And don’t claim that you don’t play the “blame” game when you blame me for writing something that is so honest and accurate about life with a diabetic that it upsets you! There’s nothing toxic about this at all – it’s life! And you need to keep reading what I write in order to prevent it from happening to you and your own spouse!
DW
PS George, ArabKathy, please make sure you send this one too!! ;o)
This blog happens to be written by the spouse of a diabetic, to other spouses, about my life as the spouse of a diabetic. It's not written about anything else, for anyone else or to anyone else. Pretty simple if you ask me! My blog. My life. We can argue the facts for hours on end. This is still my life - as the spouse of a diabetic.
But if you are a diabetic and have read past posts of mine, here are some questons for you to ponder. Have there been bits and pieces in them that have made you wonder if this is your future? Do you get mad about the things I write about becasue you are in denial of some type....that the things I write about would/could never happen to you? Does the very thought that your spouse might leave you because of your diabetes scare you? Do I touch a nerve....or the possibility of a nerve....that this might be you one of these days?
Give that some thought as you read through this.
Just read here. Then come back and let me disscect her post for you.
1. She’s young. Optimistic. Hopeful! Probably thirtysomething? Has diabetes herself. Does NOT have a spouse who has diabetes!!! We’ve obviously never met. She knows nothing about me personally. Only what I write about my life as the spouse of a diabetic. Something she couldn’t possibly understand because she is not the SPOUSE of a diabetic.
2. She wrote: “but more than 24 hours after the fact and as of this posting, his comment has yet to pixelate, proving the little bird correct.” How quick she is to come to judgement! I was in a remote area visiting my brother and his family – no internet access. My brother broke his back and I go visit once a month for a week to help out. I’m really not the evil person she thinks I am and for her to jump to a conclusion because I didn’t immediately respond to a comment….well, I’d call that unprofessional!!!
Note: Sorry to have to confess, but this blog does not consumemy life. I simply come here to post my notes....so I don't read your comments on a daily basis.
3. She put (sic) after my use of the word - affect. I used that word on purpose to mean the influence that highs, lows and drugs have on behavior. I used the word in it’s proper spelling. And she did not “get”it.
I have a graduate degree and truly understand the use of the English language, so her (sic)s were wrong. Again, incorrectly correcting someone else's grammer - not professional.
4. I read through her post a couple of times and saw no solution for Gregory other than for him to seek counseling. I find that self-serving. Someone who financially benefits from providing counseling….recommending counseling.
5. She says, "how about a little more support from those people who call themselves our diabetes care teams?"
Why does a diabetic EXPECT support from other people??? Be it professional, medical, personal. It seems to me that only those with the disease try to answer this question. They are the only ones who expect the support. Do they once ever write about the support that is nowhere for those who are supporting them?? Hardly!!! We know that there are numerous caregiver support groups available. I just wonder how many diabetics attend them. Do they even begin to comprehend what we go through as their primary caregivers? Do they even care? Seems to me that it's mostly about me, me, me when it comes from their viewpoint. What they need. What they want. What they EXPECT. I don't see them writing very much about supporting the caregivers they live with!
6. She claims that she does not play the blame game. But she does. She is blaming me for just about everything in the book. I think she called me every name in the book. When you call someone else a name - that IS blame! Truly the ultimate in being unprofessional. I can tell that she has absolutely no compassion or understanding whatsoever for the spouses of those diabetics who have chosen to not follow protocol offered to them by their “diabetes care team”.
7. she wants "the people with diabetes (to) end up winning". Who doesn’t? But at what expense? I would like to know if she has ever personally witnessed someone that she loves (not herself) in the middle of a sugar low. That would have to be her spouse, her mother, her father or a sibling. Probably not. I would like to know if she has witnessed them dying, one body part at a time? I doubt it.
I would highly recommend researching and reading about Christian Scientist diabetics. They refuse all medical treatment. What this disease does to their families is quite similar to those of us living with spouses who don't follow proper medical protocol. And there for the grace of God goes every single diabetic - saved only by the meds and diet they pursue. It is a natural progression to death and if you don't follow your protocol, the things I write about will in fact happen to you, and your spouse and loved ones will be right where we ae.
8. It is quite evident that she doesn’t want any of her readers to read my blog and if they do, she is more than happy to support their denial of what life is really life if you have a diabetic in your life who doesn’t follow their care plan. No, it does not have to be like this. It is purely a choice. But it was not a choice that I made. And because I post what my life is like loving and living with someone who has made this choice, she now labels me as toxic. I’d have to argue that living in denial is probably even more toxic.
Could it be that she is just a tiny bit afraid that this might one day be her own husband? That he might decide to leave her because she has diabetes? Because he simply gets tired of providing her the support that she "EXPECTS"? And in denying that as a possibility, she is telling everyone that what I write is "a shadow of doom"? It really isn't. It's real life. It can happen and it does happen. After all, he probably has another 30 years or so to go in order to catch up with where we are. I'd be very very tired of it at that point, wouldn't you?
9. The majority of today’s health care is capitated. Google it if you don’t understand it. If you have an on-going medical condition, you will be lucky to get the basic care that you need. You aren’t going to get mental health visits or therapy at all. Most likely, any mental health professional in your medical facility will be a generalist. They just don’t specialize in diabetes management. It would be wonderful to have something like that available, but we are not there yet. I am an artist. A well-known artist as I’ve had over 100 pieces of my work published in magazines and books. So I probably understand how important art therapy is to anyone, diabetic, spouse or otherwise. It is my personal therapy. But art is not something that every person out there understands...or wants to try. If you have read my blog from the beginning, you will know that I have exhausted (used up) all of the therapy available at my medical facility. I have a wonderful diabetes nurse who continues to work with me. And every single therapist I have seen have all agreed with me - the choice is always - stay or leave. And yes, we have been to couples counseling with a diabetic specialist. Once again, the writer read a few blogs and made her judgment calls. Unprofessional at best.
10. Name calling and making accusations about another person, especially someone that you do not know, is a cowards way out. She should simply take the “high” road and realize that I merely offer a different viewpoint. She doesn’t have to agree with it, but probably, as a professional, should acknowledge that my life does exist as I write it. I find it very interesting that my friends do not call me toxic or think bad of me at all. And I have numerous comments from others who seem to have a similar life, living with their diabetic spouses. It seems that the only people who have a problem with what I write are the people who have diabetes themselves. That should be a wake up call of some type. I write very realistically. I write what happens and my feelings about what happens. I write about life. And just because it makes you angry to read about it - certainly doesn't mean it's wrong for me to write about it!
Conclusion -
If you see hints of yourself in what I write, then do something about yourself. Don’t blame me because I write about it! If you are afraid that what I am writing might be true, and might happen to you or your spouse in the future, then do something about it now. Don’t blame me! And don’t claim that you don’t play the “blame” game when you blame me for writing something that is so honest and accurate about life with a diabetic that it upsets you! There’s nothing toxic about this at all – it’s life! And you need to keep reading what I write in order to prevent it from happening to you and your own spouse!
DW
PS George, ArabKathy, please make sure you send this one too!! ;o)
Saturday, January 09, 2010
The Wheelchair discussion
First, Mary wrote:
Hi DW,
Thank you for being the voice for the spouses of non-compliant diabetics. I read your blog regularly. What irks me most about some of the responses to your blog is that the majority of the people do not realize that diabetes is a progressive disease. It doesn't "get better" and it doesn't "stabilize." The disease attacks the organs randomly, it could be the kidneys, heart, veins, eyes...who knows what it will choose to destroy first.
In the 6 years since dh's diagnosis he has had kidney failure, neuropathy in the legs and feet and vision problems. He still will not eat properly, exercise or take his medicine like he is supposed to do. It is emotionally painful for me to stand by and watch him slowly die. This takes me back to the question, "do I stay or do I go."
One of my observant dear friends has told me that I am being emotionally abused by dh. I "know" that. He is a sick man and has no one to take care of him. I ask myself "what kind of person would I be if I left him?" Yes, I "know" I need counseling but that still will not make me leave him at this point. So, for now, I continue with this so called "dance."
You shared a quote back in Nov. 2009: "You need to find a goal in your life. That can be to get a job, to get a career, to volunteer, to have a hobby, to work for a cause. The goal is to get you something else to focus on. Something that you can devote your attention to. That way the ['diabetic's problems'] isn't the only thing in your life."
I wrote this quote on the inside cover of my journal and I read it most every day. It helps me to stay focused on the future and helps when the dark times come.
My non-compliant spouse is what he is. I can only change myself and how I think about things. I know that one thing is for sure...I will be alone at some point because the disease will eventually win a victory over his life and I will need to support myself financially.
I try to take one day at a time and today is a good day.
Once again, thank you for your blog.
Mary
Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for reminding me of my own words!!!
Today, we had the "wheelchair discussion". Let me tell you, that is a reality check if anything is! He is fine when he is laying in bed. He is ok when he is sitting in a chair. He simply cannot walk. Not any distance at all. So he brought up the possibility of getting a wheelchair.
My first reaction - make sure it has all the bells and whistles because I couldn't possibly push him in it...he simply weighs too much. And I don't think he has the upper arm strength for a manual wheelchair. So we talked about it over lunch. Then the realization hit both us about the same time that we would need a vehicle that could somehow transport the wheelchair. If he were to get a motorized one, then we need a ramp.
And I think it also hit both of us at the same time that neither one of us is ready for this.
We need a ramp up our front steps.
Our entry way is a step up from the rest of the house, so we need a ramp down inside. I think it would be easier to move. But that won't happen with this housing market.
He became utterly depressed. I tried not to cry. And I managed to make it through our talk without tears. But they were right there.
He is going to his doctor on Thursday. He promised to tell him that muscle relaxers and more meds aren't going to do it. He promised to describe his limitations completely. He promised......
But we have been through this so many times before. I know that he gets to the office and will simply say "things are going ok."
Sigh.
I see my life taking another turn. If he doesn't get a wheelchair.....I think we will be housebound. I think I hate it more for him than anything.
Mary, I am with you. It's like watching another piece of him die off. I am right here with you. I don't think there is anything more emotionally painful than to watch the man you love slowly die. Yet at the same time, I remain so grateful for what we still have. We seem to find pleasure in the littlest things. I know I don't write enough about our good times. We do still have them. We truly are still very much in love. And that is evident in our lives 24/7.....except when he is having a low. Or when he is in so much pain that he can't think or reason.
I, too, will be alone one of these days. Much sooner than I want. I know that I will be even more angry at him then for not doing what he could to take care of himself. But even my mom, a former nurse, says that she feels he is at the point of no return and it might simply be best to let him live the rest of his life doing what he wants, the way he wants.
Some things are best left to the unknown. I'm going to go mom's route and simply support him in what he wants to do. I can't change him. I can only love him. But I swear....had I known I would be at this point, I wonder if I would have ever married him. I don't think so.
You don't need counseling. I think each one of us wonders "who" we would be if we didn't live with someone with this disease. It alters our very existence. It changes the path our life might have taken. So I think it's only natural and normal to wonder where we might be if we didn't have a spouse with this disease.
Tom's wife said in her blog that we come here to "whine" and blow off steam with others who understand. And to laugh at those who don't have a clue. It helps make the burdens of the day just a little easier!
DW
Hi DW,
Thank you for being the voice for the spouses of non-compliant diabetics. I read your blog regularly. What irks me most about some of the responses to your blog is that the majority of the people do not realize that diabetes is a progressive disease. It doesn't "get better" and it doesn't "stabilize." The disease attacks the organs randomly, it could be the kidneys, heart, veins, eyes...who knows what it will choose to destroy first.
In the 6 years since dh's diagnosis he has had kidney failure, neuropathy in the legs and feet and vision problems. He still will not eat properly, exercise or take his medicine like he is supposed to do. It is emotionally painful for me to stand by and watch him slowly die. This takes me back to the question, "do I stay or do I go."
One of my observant dear friends has told me that I am being emotionally abused by dh. I "know" that. He is a sick man and has no one to take care of him. I ask myself "what kind of person would I be if I left him?" Yes, I "know" I need counseling but that still will not make me leave him at this point. So, for now, I continue with this so called "dance."
You shared a quote back in Nov. 2009: "You need to find a goal in your life. That can be to get a job, to get a career, to volunteer, to have a hobby, to work for a cause. The goal is to get you something else to focus on. Something that you can devote your attention to. That way the ['diabetic's problems'] isn't the only thing in your life."
I wrote this quote on the inside cover of my journal and I read it most every day. It helps me to stay focused on the future and helps when the dark times come.
My non-compliant spouse is what he is. I can only change myself and how I think about things. I know that one thing is for sure...I will be alone at some point because the disease will eventually win a victory over his life and I will need to support myself financially.
I try to take one day at a time and today is a good day.
Once again, thank you for your blog.
Mary
Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for reminding me of my own words!!!
Today, we had the "wheelchair discussion". Let me tell you, that is a reality check if anything is! He is fine when he is laying in bed. He is ok when he is sitting in a chair. He simply cannot walk. Not any distance at all. So he brought up the possibility of getting a wheelchair.
My first reaction - make sure it has all the bells and whistles because I couldn't possibly push him in it...he simply weighs too much. And I don't think he has the upper arm strength for a manual wheelchair. So we talked about it over lunch. Then the realization hit both us about the same time that we would need a vehicle that could somehow transport the wheelchair. If he were to get a motorized one, then we need a ramp.
And I think it also hit both of us at the same time that neither one of us is ready for this.
We need a ramp up our front steps.
Our entry way is a step up from the rest of the house, so we need a ramp down inside. I think it would be easier to move. But that won't happen with this housing market.
He became utterly depressed. I tried not to cry. And I managed to make it through our talk without tears. But they were right there.
He is going to his doctor on Thursday. He promised to tell him that muscle relaxers and more meds aren't going to do it. He promised to describe his limitations completely. He promised......
But we have been through this so many times before. I know that he gets to the office and will simply say "things are going ok."
Sigh.
I see my life taking another turn. If he doesn't get a wheelchair.....I think we will be housebound. I think I hate it more for him than anything.
Mary, I am with you. It's like watching another piece of him die off. I am right here with you. I don't think there is anything more emotionally painful than to watch the man you love slowly die. Yet at the same time, I remain so grateful for what we still have. We seem to find pleasure in the littlest things. I know I don't write enough about our good times. We do still have them. We truly are still very much in love. And that is evident in our lives 24/7.....except when he is having a low. Or when he is in so much pain that he can't think or reason.
I, too, will be alone one of these days. Much sooner than I want. I know that I will be even more angry at him then for not doing what he could to take care of himself. But even my mom, a former nurse, says that she feels he is at the point of no return and it might simply be best to let him live the rest of his life doing what he wants, the way he wants.
Some things are best left to the unknown. I'm going to go mom's route and simply support him in what he wants to do. I can't change him. I can only love him. But I swear....had I known I would be at this point, I wonder if I would have ever married him. I don't think so.
You don't need counseling. I think each one of us wonders "who" we would be if we didn't live with someone with this disease. It alters our very existence. It changes the path our life might have taken. So I think it's only natural and normal to wonder where we might be if we didn't have a spouse with this disease.
Tom's wife said in her blog that we come here to "whine" and blow off steam with others who understand. And to laugh at those who don't have a clue. It helps make the burdens of the day just a little easier!
DW
Tuesday, January 05, 2010
A frightening post about the reality of this disease
Agnus wrote:
Agnus, THANK YOU for posting! I see my future here. I have been asking those who have a spouse worse than mine to post....so I can prepare. Try to prepare. Or maybe just brace myself for what is to come.
I had not heard about the convulstions, liver-related mental problems, or "madman" episodes. How do you survive? How do you get through each day?
I know the basic tenants of Alanon are quite helpful as they do remind us of what I talk about so much here. My 3 "C's" to survival
1. Cause - it's not my fault that he won't take care of his disease
2. Control - he is the only person who can change him.
3. Cure- there's nothing I can do to fix him
You have certainly given me a lot to think about this morning.
Hubby has basically been bed-ridden for the last 3 weeks. He is back to "work" as of yesterday.....but from bed. We went to the grocery store yesterday morning. He couldn't even walk to the pharmacy section to get contact lens solution - he was hanging off the grocery cart. I did the rest of the shopping while he sat in the coffee area and waited for me. Came home and went right to bed.
I have to wonder how much longer before he is in a wheelchair with us in a 3 level house on 2/3 acre of lawn???
But I have a plan!!! I have a huge art event the end of this month that I am working towards. But starting February, I am going to be busy on ebay and craigslist.....selling everything. We are downsizing.....like it or not. I am going to sell absolutely everything that would not fit into a 2car garage - 3 bedroom - 1 level house. No basement. No attic. It has to go in that space, or we are getting rid of it. His collector car. The ATV. The truck and trailer. Huge changes!!! Because I teach art in my home studio.....I have tons to unload.
I realize that if I don't do it now, I will still have to do it at some point in time....and I am not getting any younger. If he ends up in a wheelchair, then I will be so busy as a caregiver, I won't have the time. I am just hoping that he can stay physical enough to do stairs throughout the end of this year.....give me 10 months or so to sell everything and then next spring, we will put this house on the market and look for a handicapped accessible place to retire to.
Now, whether or not the plan works out....at least I have a plan. And I have come to realize that if you are the spouse of a diabetic....you need a plan. It gives you something besides their disease to focus on!
DW
"I know I'm not ready for him to be paralyzed. But he seems to be in no mood to listen to my fears...."
My husband also has constant sciatic pain but his started after bypass surgery in 1999. He had one of the last open heart surgeries on a steel guerney - after which they changed to a padded platform. His cardio said they added padding to prevent damage to weight-bearing areas that are drained of blood during the surgery. Given that HBS interferes with delivery of blood-borne nutrients, the cellular reasons for the pain could be similar.
My DH takes tramadol and occasional xtra-strength tylenol in addition to 2 types of insulin injections 4 times daily, plus 10 other Rxs for heart, kidneys, BP, depression, anxiety, allergies, sleep disorders - and he has Hep C, cirrhosis and hepatic encephalopathy which causes unpredictable bouts of mental confusion.
And, of course, he is in total denial. I prepare 3 very healthy meals for us both daily, virtually free of carbs because I am a recovering compulsive eater (maintaining 50 lb weight loss 12 years!). But despite this, he snacks like a madman: candy, cake, pie, chips, dips, popcorn, ice cream, peanut butter. He thinks he's being healthy because his bread is 100% whole wheat and his ice cream is No Sugar Added!
His liver specialist told us Dec. 8that his liver will fail in 1-3 years so he should use that time to get his diabetes and weight under control so he can survive a transplant. She was nicely saying, "If you don't get your diabetes and weight under control, we won't waste a liver on you."
His response? He went to bed for three weeks, and ate like a madman. Wild swings, usually from the high 200's to the low 60s but this holiday has been brutal: 565 last Saturday morning, diabetic coma/delerium Monday morning. I stuck a straw in his mouth and he stopped screaming long enough to suck down 4 oz of apple juice but it only increased his terrors. He was seeing monsters and demons, trying to hide under the covers and screaming, screaming. It was awful. It took 4 medics to hold him down for a finger stick (35) and IV.
He spent the next 2 days in awful pain from the convulsions. We went to the doctor Wednesday for guidance on home health support - I have to travel for work sometimes and this is the 3rd time since April that he has confused his Lantus and his Novalog.
Would you believe, he tried to smuggle three lollipops from the nurse's desk on the way out?!
Yesterday he decided to wash his car (he has been mostly bed-ridden since December 8). Of course in 45 minutes he was so low he almost passed out. Then we went to his son's house and he ate all five of HIS food groups: sugar, flour, salt, fat and grease.
Your blog shares remind me this is his disease, not mine. Alanon is also helpful (most families have at least one alcoholic in the family tree to qualify them!). They remind me that I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it.
Because my DH has liver-related mental problems, I have adopted this bottom line for my role in his diabetic care: Don't die today!
This helps me let go of his poor food choices (longer term death risk), while accepting some caregiving responsibility to cover his back on the insulin that, if mismanaged, might kill him today.
Thanks for listening and for sharing your blog. Hopefully my share can help someone else too.
Agnus
Agnus, THANK YOU for posting! I see my future here. I have been asking those who have a spouse worse than mine to post....so I can prepare. Try to prepare. Or maybe just brace myself for what is to come.
I had not heard about the convulstions, liver-related mental problems, or "madman" episodes. How do you survive? How do you get through each day?
I know the basic tenants of Alanon are quite helpful as they do remind us of what I talk about so much here. My 3 "C's" to survival
1. Cause - it's not my fault that he won't take care of his disease
2. Control - he is the only person who can change him.
3. Cure- there's nothing I can do to fix him
You have certainly given me a lot to think about this morning.
Hubby has basically been bed-ridden for the last 3 weeks. He is back to "work" as of yesterday.....but from bed. We went to the grocery store yesterday morning. He couldn't even walk to the pharmacy section to get contact lens solution - he was hanging off the grocery cart. I did the rest of the shopping while he sat in the coffee area and waited for me. Came home and went right to bed.
I have to wonder how much longer before he is in a wheelchair with us in a 3 level house on 2/3 acre of lawn???
But I have a plan!!! I have a huge art event the end of this month that I am working towards. But starting February, I am going to be busy on ebay and craigslist.....selling everything. We are downsizing.....like it or not. I am going to sell absolutely everything that would not fit into a 2car garage - 3 bedroom - 1 level house. No basement. No attic. It has to go in that space, or we are getting rid of it. His collector car. The ATV. The truck and trailer. Huge changes!!! Because I teach art in my home studio.....I have tons to unload.
I realize that if I don't do it now, I will still have to do it at some point in time....and I am not getting any younger. If he ends up in a wheelchair, then I will be so busy as a caregiver, I won't have the time. I am just hoping that he can stay physical enough to do stairs throughout the end of this year.....give me 10 months or so to sell everything and then next spring, we will put this house on the market and look for a handicapped accessible place to retire to.
Now, whether or not the plan works out....at least I have a plan. And I have come to realize that if you are the spouse of a diabetic....you need a plan. It gives you something besides their disease to focus on!
DW
Sad comment from a spouse so young
Gregory wrote:
Interesting comments. I understand exactly how you feel. I am not sure you can be a "team" with a diabetic....unless they almost desparately want to be a team with you. I think it's a side affect of the drugs. Or a side affect of highs and lows. And you have not idea how well I understand every single emotion that you are going through. The sad part is that you are so young. That she is so young.
Don't expect her to keep a promise. I don't think it's possible.
Don't expect her to be honest with you.
Don't expect her to take her meds.
If you read through many of my past blogs, I talk about the only 2 options that we have. Stay or leave. There isn't much in between. Threats don't work. Promises don't work. Trying to help doesn't work. We stay because we truly love them and live for the good moments. Or we leave.
I had a most interesting converstation with my husband earlier this week. I don't know what started it, but he said he had never been angry with me. I nearly choked on the spot! I said, "you seriously don't remember getting so mad and screaming at me that you wanted me out of this house???" and he replied, "I have never said that to you!"
And I believe that is what he honestly thinks.
More proof to me that no matter what they say or do when in a low....they simply won't remember it, so "it never happened".
How sad for us though, that we remember what happens during their lows.
Thank you for the blog. My wife's going into the hospital tomorrow with DKA, and I looked for "spouses of diabetics" hoping there'd be some support out there. Glad to find it.
I haven't gone back and read earlier entries yet, but I noticed in this particular entry, it appears that only wives are commenting. Thought I'd throw in my two cents as a husband - also as a younger spouse than many of the posters in here. My wife and I are in our early 30's. She was misdiagnosed in her teens or early 20's as having endomitriosis, and it was only discovered around 28 or 29 that all the symptoms her doctors had ascribed to endo were actually caused by diabetes. First they thought she was type 2 and gave her pills that tore her insides out and made her vomit constantly. Then they tentatively called her a "type 1 1/2" because her symptoms seemed somewhere in between 1 and 2. Now they're sure she's type 1. She's been in the hospital with DKA 3 times, I think. Tomorrow will be her 4th.
My wife read somewhere in a book on diabetes that we thought would HELP her deal with her condition that diabetics lose weight when they don't take their insulin. Unfortunately, she read this during the year leading up to our wedding, and decided it would be a FANTASTIC way to fit in the dress. Now, two years into our marriage, she is still doing it on and off - lying about it, of course - and keeps getting hospitalized. She's now the proud owner of a full-blown eating disorder. Everyone thinks she looks great. That's part of the problem. She keeps getting these little self esteem boosts from idiots who don't know that her "miraculous" weight loss is akin to the poundage dropped by a cancer patient on chemo. I can't talk sense into her, we're rarely, if ever, intimate, and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose her. Even now, when she's agreed to go to the hospital, it's only because she grudgingly admitted to me that she thinks she's been in DKA for 4 freaking days, and she won't go check into the ER until she works half her shift tomorrow till someone can come in and cover. I couldn't get her to go TODAY.
Most of the time, my hands shake and I want to break things. When I don't feel that way, I just feel empty. I don't feel like we're on a team. I've made her look me in the eye and promise never to lie to me again about her health, and she's broken that promise a thousand times over. I don't experience the rage and abuse exactly the same way as a lot of the wives who post here, but I do see it. I get episodes of extreme irrationality. I get a stubborn refusal to take medication, talk to doctors, or admit that anyone, anywhere can help. I get a lot of sulking, and a hell of a lot of neediness. I get worn out, and I get heartbroken. That's what I get. And I desperately, passionately love my wife. But the disease is whittling her away from me.
And now I have to go wake her up, because it just occurred to me that I didn't see her take her nighttime insulin.
Interesting comments. I understand exactly how you feel. I am not sure you can be a "team" with a diabetic....unless they almost desparately want to be a team with you. I think it's a side affect of the drugs. Or a side affect of highs and lows. And you have not idea how well I understand every single emotion that you are going through. The sad part is that you are so young. That she is so young.
Don't expect her to keep a promise. I don't think it's possible.
Don't expect her to be honest with you.
Don't expect her to take her meds.
If you read through many of my past blogs, I talk about the only 2 options that we have. Stay or leave. There isn't much in between. Threats don't work. Promises don't work. Trying to help doesn't work. We stay because we truly love them and live for the good moments. Or we leave.
I had a most interesting converstation with my husband earlier this week. I don't know what started it, but he said he had never been angry with me. I nearly choked on the spot! I said, "you seriously don't remember getting so mad and screaming at me that you wanted me out of this house???" and he replied, "I have never said that to you!"
And I believe that is what he honestly thinks.
More proof to me that no matter what they say or do when in a low....they simply won't remember it, so "it never happened".
How sad for us though, that we remember what happens during their lows.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
torn sciatic nerve
He tore it a couple of days ago. Yes, self-diagnosis as he refuses to go to the doctor. So I made him (literally forced him) to remain in bed all day yesterday. He was beyond bored after the first 10 movies! LOL! Today, he got up and announced he was fine. So I decided to test his theory out. Told him we could go to lunch and then get groceries. Well, I could tell that about 2 aisles into the grocery - he was near death - the pain was so bad!
So much for "I feel great!" He's back in bed where I plan to make him stay today and tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow evening, he wants to go be with his granddaughters. Hurmph! Me thinks he has no business going anywhere....but I'm sure I won't be able to keep him home.
Got me to wondering. With neuropathy - can it impact the sciatic nerve? Logic tells me that it can, but I can't find much on the internet about that. If it can kill the nerve endings in the fingers and toes....can it kill the sciatic nerve? And then he wouldn't be able to walk? I have read much about people becoming paralyzed from torn sciatic nerves. A bit on the scary side. I know I'm not ready for him to be paralyzed. But he seems to be in no mood to listen to my fears....so I'll just write about them here.
It's definitely making for a quiet holiday. And that's fine with me. But I just have to wonder if it's the quiet before the storm?
Tom's wife - sorry to hear about your work stress. Home stress is more than enough - I can't fathom stress from work on top of that! Hugs to you and to everyone this holiday season!
DW
So much for "I feel great!" He's back in bed where I plan to make him stay today and tomorrow. Of course, tomorrow evening, he wants to go be with his granddaughters. Hurmph! Me thinks he has no business going anywhere....but I'm sure I won't be able to keep him home.
Got me to wondering. With neuropathy - can it impact the sciatic nerve? Logic tells me that it can, but I can't find much on the internet about that. If it can kill the nerve endings in the fingers and toes....can it kill the sciatic nerve? And then he wouldn't be able to walk? I have read much about people becoming paralyzed from torn sciatic nerves. A bit on the scary side. I know I'm not ready for him to be paralyzed. But he seems to be in no mood to listen to my fears....so I'll just write about them here.
It's definitely making for a quiet holiday. And that's fine with me. But I just have to wonder if it's the quiet before the storm?
Tom's wife - sorry to hear about your work stress. Home stress is more than enough - I can't fathom stress from work on top of that! Hugs to you and to everyone this holiday season!
DW
Friday, December 18, 2009
It's 1 of 2 things.....
Either life is going quite well for all of us.....or it's so horrible none of us can post a comment!
Tom's wife - even your blog has been terribly quiet. I sure hope all is going well.
We are having just an amazing month. I wonder - is it the calm before the storm? I have been completely occupied with art projects that are keeping me off the charts busy. Wonderful to have something that is occupying so much of my time. And hubby has gotten lost in the world of electronics - teaching himself programming. I tease him that he's doing this so when he gets a wheelchair, he can program it to race me in mine! Good humor, great jokes coming out of all this!
He still has good days and bad days. But it seems that even on the bad days, he at least has something to occupy his mind with. He will get low and start to argue with me and I simply tell him I don't have time, I have a deadline. So that seems to be the "cure-all" for the moment! And it looks like my assignments are going to carry thru to the end of January.
And we have "downsized" our holiday festivities and it sure has made life simpler. No tree, no decorations. Only gifts for the grandkids. No parties. Just quiet time at home and get-togethers 1-on-1 with other friends and family. No large gatherings planned this year. And all the shopping was done online, so we haven't had to face the crowds. Our worst thing has been the traffic when we need to go out....so I've been doing the driving. Keeps him calm!
Have to say I'm loving it all. No stress.
So here's hoping you all are having a wonderful go of it as well!
DW
Tom's wife - even your blog has been terribly quiet. I sure hope all is going well.
We are having just an amazing month. I wonder - is it the calm before the storm? I have been completely occupied with art projects that are keeping me off the charts busy. Wonderful to have something that is occupying so much of my time. And hubby has gotten lost in the world of electronics - teaching himself programming. I tease him that he's doing this so when he gets a wheelchair, he can program it to race me in mine! Good humor, great jokes coming out of all this!
He still has good days and bad days. But it seems that even on the bad days, he at least has something to occupy his mind with. He will get low and start to argue with me and I simply tell him I don't have time, I have a deadline. So that seems to be the "cure-all" for the moment! And it looks like my assignments are going to carry thru to the end of January.
And we have "downsized" our holiday festivities and it sure has made life simpler. No tree, no decorations. Only gifts for the grandkids. No parties. Just quiet time at home and get-togethers 1-on-1 with other friends and family. No large gatherings planned this year. And all the shopping was done online, so we haven't had to face the crowds. Our worst thing has been the traffic when we need to go out....so I've been doing the driving. Keeps him calm!
Have to say I'm loving it all. No stress.
So here's hoping you all are having a wonderful go of it as well!
DW
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Neil wrote: This is not a diet I would eat as a type 1 diabetic
a can of clam chowder
turkey sandwich and fries from Chilis
ham, egg and cheese bagel
chocolate dove candy
ham egg and cheese sandwich
potato chips
I would get rid of the ham, the bagel the fries and the clam chowder. Never touch the stuff and never will. I have been type one for forty years and pretty much figured out what to avoid.
And I just had to laugh. Neil, I know you have figured it out. I know you are doing a great job. But I'm married to a guy who eats whatever he wants.....whenever he wants. And that's the whole problem. I can't "fix" him. I can't "change" him. So yeah, he's going to eat all the above and oh! so much worse!
The past few weeks, he's been eating clam chowder like crazy. And fries are second nature to him. No, I don't fix them for him at all. I fix a normal meal....and he doesn't want it, so he makes something for himself. Not a thing I can do to change his eating patterns. Really sad.
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
Holidays with a diabetic
No tree
No cards
Online shopping
No gatherings
He is off work starting 12/15 - 1/2
No plans
except to let him rest. This is what he wants. A quiet end to the year. And I am doing everything I can to help him have his wish. I think it's great!
We will quietly meet with family - 1 family at a time. We'll spread it out over the last 2 weeks of the year. A dinner here or there. He can sleep in as long as he wants, take naps when he wants....very little holiday stress.
At first, I protested. But the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. We went ahead and gave each other our gifts this past Sunday. Pretty fun!
So all is well here for the moment. Loads of rest, little stress. We seem to be having a very good run. His back is still killing him and he refuses to go to the doctor. But the less he walks, the less it hurts. He has taken up micro electronics and is entertaining himself completely. I've been off to visit family last week and got a bit of a break so I could come back and handle life here with a renewed spirit. Always good to get away, even if it's just for a couple of days.
We'll have a very quiet holiday and I think it might just turn out to be our best yet!
DW
No cards
Online shopping
No gatherings
He is off work starting 12/15 - 1/2
No plans
except to let him rest. This is what he wants. A quiet end to the year. And I am doing everything I can to help him have his wish. I think it's great!
We will quietly meet with family - 1 family at a time. We'll spread it out over the last 2 weeks of the year. A dinner here or there. He can sleep in as long as he wants, take naps when he wants....very little holiday stress.
At first, I protested. But the more I thought about it, the more I liked the idea. We went ahead and gave each other our gifts this past Sunday. Pretty fun!
So all is well here for the moment. Loads of rest, little stress. We seem to be having a very good run. His back is still killing him and he refuses to go to the doctor. But the less he walks, the less it hurts. He has taken up micro electronics and is entertaining himself completely. I've been off to visit family last week and got a bit of a break so I could come back and handle life here with a renewed spirit. Always good to get away, even if it's just for a couple of days.
We'll have a very quiet holiday and I think it might just turn out to be our best yet!
DW
Tuesday, December 01, 2009
When it's good....it's good!
So I am just posting because it's all good right now. Usually the holiday season has hubby completely stressed out. But I am changing what/how we do. No tree, no decorations. No parties. Our calendar is pretty clear the entire month and he takes off starting on the 15th for the rest of the year. No vacation plans - just here at home.
I'm baking a turkey tomorrow. Who says you have to have turkey on the 25th? LOL! If we have the turkey this week - there's no need to stress out about that later in the month. Should be an interesting December to say the least. But so far, it seems to be working. No stress, no highs and lows. Ya think we can keep this up the whole month? OK, I can dream! LOL!
I'm baking a turkey tomorrow. Who says you have to have turkey on the 25th? LOL! If we have the turkey this week - there's no need to stress out about that later in the month. Should be an interesting December to say the least. But so far, it seems to be working. No stress, no highs and lows. Ya think we can keep this up the whole month? OK, I can dream! LOL!
Friday, November 27, 2009
and what are you thankful for?
I'm thankful that we made it through yesterday! LOL! We seem to have gotten past the last little bump in the never-ending roller coaster ride around here and were able to have a fairly calm Thanksgiving day. A 3 hour drive to "lunch" and then another 3 hour drive home. Pretty exhausting. But still.....thankful that he was in a good mood, thankful that he is wearing shoes, thankful that he is NOT wearing depends any longer, thankful that he was polite and kind the whole time.....so much to be thankful for!!!
And it's terribly nice to be back on even keel. Probably won't last long. I'm sure his insulin is out of balance once again and he's refusing to go see the doctor. But I'm thankful that at least right now - we are at peace with each other and the world seems calm. :o)
DW
And it's terribly nice to be back on even keel. Probably won't last long. I'm sure his insulin is out of balance once again and he's refusing to go see the doctor. But I'm thankful that at least right now - we are at peace with each other and the world seems calm. :o)
DW
Saturday, November 21, 2009
a month to change a med?
MaryB wrote:
(((((HUGS)))) for you DW. When I read your blog it is like I am reading about my life with my Type 2 husband.
I recently found out that one of my dh's meds is causing extreme lows. His doctor will be changing his meds next month! I wish it could happen today.
All we can do is take one day at a time and take special care of ourselves so we can be strong while on this journey with the one we love.
MaryB
Ya gotta wonder what the doc is thinking? Why would/do they wait a month to change a med? If they know it's causing extreme lows - why wouldn't they change it today? this week?
I do understand all about lowering the level of 1 med while introducing another - I had to go through that when my son who has seizures turned 16. We took him off Tegretol and put him on Dilantine and it was all done while he remained in a hospital for over a month. Horrible process!
But I've never heard of a diabetic needing to go through something like that to change meds. So I still have to ask - why not today?
I woke up this morning with the very same thought - I just have to make it through today, 1 hour at a time. It's 10 am and he's not up yet. I don't even want to face the day with him, so I may "need" to go visit my sister. I think it might just be best to have "something" pop up in my life! On the other hand, I'm too tired to go pack a bag! Had every intention of making it up to bed last night, but fell asleep on the sofa watching a movie. I like old movies. Mind-numbing stuff you don't have to think about! But I'm paying for it this morning with a stiff neck!
Yes, one day at a time, one hour at a time, 1 minute at a time - we do muddle through, don't we?
DW
Friday, November 20, 2009
I know it will get worse....but.....
I am beyond exasperated at the moment and will use this blog once again....to vent.
I'll write what happened....but I need an answer as I write this....how can I keep this up? I just don't know!
This past week, I have just about gone insane around here. His back is killing him and I know that. He has been laying on the floor, not eating, sitting in his chair in the office, laying on the bed, laying on the sofa. In the meantime, I have been cleaning. He makes breakfast and spatters grease all over the stove top and has bagel crumbs all over the counter. He never puts up a pan or anything. I come in and clean up after him.
He uses an electric toothbrush and splatters toothpaste all across the mirror and all over the sink and couner top and I come in and clean it all up. Every single morning.
He has diahrrea and I'm the one who cleans TWO toilets on a daily basis.
He wants dogs. We have 2. He will feed them in the morning. But it's me that has to clean up the messes, change out the potty pads, clean up their vomit when they get sick...
And I'm tired of it all.
So today, I had to run out and get glass for an art project and I came home with my arms loaded down and took one look at the kitchen counter which was covered with grease and food and there was no place for me to put down my load. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV. I just said, "you are going to have to start cleaning up the messes that you make around here!" I didn't yell. I didn't raise my voice. I just said it as a natural, normal, matter-of-fact conversation.
Well, that set him off. And I mean in a big way. It started at 2 pm when I got home and it didn't get better all afternoon long. I just left it alone. Not worth an argument if you ask me. I figure he had made himself breakfast and lunch so he shouldn't be low, but who knows. I'm just tired of it.
I spent the afternoon coloring my hair, doing my nails....pampering myself as we had plans to go to the Melting Pot this evening with another couple. We've been with them before and just had the most fun....so I was really looking forward to the evening out.
At 5 pm, I was ready to go, sitting on the sofa answering emails on my laptop and he came in and laid down on the floor in front of me. So I know his back was hurting again. He went to sleep. At 6 pm, I said, "we need to leave in 15 minutes, are you ready to go?"
He said, "I'm not good enough to go".
And I simply thought to myself, fine. He doesn't want to go. I'm not going to force it at all. Yet at the same time I really wanted him to go. I wanted him to get out of the house - to do something, anything. So I said, "why do you say that?" and of course he started in about me telling him he didn't clean the house good enough. Which is not what I had said at all, but then we know where this is going. He said that I yell at him all the time (translate that came from a one line comment above!) LOL!
I really didn't want to get into yet another fight with him, so I said, fine. And I left.
I got to the place and of course our friends wanted to know where he was. Now, "she" has seen him in a low and knows how he gets, and I hold nothing back these days....so I just said that he was having a really bad low and didn't want to join us and that they best get used to being alone with me because when he is gone, that's all they will get! And guess what, we had an absolutely fabulous time and I laughed for 2 1/2 hours! I am so glad that I went. Alone. Without him.
And I didn't want to come home. But I did. Went upstairs and didn't say a word to him and he didn't say a word to me. Got into my jammies and came back downstairs. I'm sure I'll go to bed later on. Maybe I'll just sleep on the sofa or in the guest bedroom.
This will go down 1 of 2 ways. He will either stay mad at me and give me the "silent" treatment for the next couple of days and then become ever so remorseful and fearful that I am going to leave him.....or he will become that way tomorrow.
The ups and downs of this disease just exhaust me beyond reason. I hate it when he acts like a 10 year old like he did tonight. And I suspect that he is going to continue to do this in an effort to distance himself from all of our friends.....and probably try to push me farther away from him.
So, do I butt up against him and refuse to leave. Or do I just leave? If I'm going to be alone anyway, why not start now?
Mostly because I'm too drained to even think about it.
DW
I'll write what happened....but I need an answer as I write this....how can I keep this up? I just don't know!
This past week, I have just about gone insane around here. His back is killing him and I know that. He has been laying on the floor, not eating, sitting in his chair in the office, laying on the bed, laying on the sofa. In the meantime, I have been cleaning. He makes breakfast and spatters grease all over the stove top and has bagel crumbs all over the counter. He never puts up a pan or anything. I come in and clean up after him.
He uses an electric toothbrush and splatters toothpaste all across the mirror and all over the sink and couner top and I come in and clean it all up. Every single morning.
He has diahrrea and I'm the one who cleans TWO toilets on a daily basis.
He wants dogs. We have 2. He will feed them in the morning. But it's me that has to clean up the messes, change out the potty pads, clean up their vomit when they get sick...
And I'm tired of it all.
So today, I had to run out and get glass for an art project and I came home with my arms loaded down and took one look at the kitchen counter which was covered with grease and food and there was no place for me to put down my load. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV. I just said, "you are going to have to start cleaning up the messes that you make around here!" I didn't yell. I didn't raise my voice. I just said it as a natural, normal, matter-of-fact conversation.
Well, that set him off. And I mean in a big way. It started at 2 pm when I got home and it didn't get better all afternoon long. I just left it alone. Not worth an argument if you ask me. I figure he had made himself breakfast and lunch so he shouldn't be low, but who knows. I'm just tired of it.
I spent the afternoon coloring my hair, doing my nails....pampering myself as we had plans to go to the Melting Pot this evening with another couple. We've been with them before and just had the most fun....so I was really looking forward to the evening out.
At 5 pm, I was ready to go, sitting on the sofa answering emails on my laptop and he came in and laid down on the floor in front of me. So I know his back was hurting again. He went to sleep. At 6 pm, I said, "we need to leave in 15 minutes, are you ready to go?"
He said, "I'm not good enough to go".
And I simply thought to myself, fine. He doesn't want to go. I'm not going to force it at all. Yet at the same time I really wanted him to go. I wanted him to get out of the house - to do something, anything. So I said, "why do you say that?" and of course he started in about me telling him he didn't clean the house good enough. Which is not what I had said at all, but then we know where this is going. He said that I yell at him all the time (translate that came from a one line comment above!) LOL!
I really didn't want to get into yet another fight with him, so I said, fine. And I left.
I got to the place and of course our friends wanted to know where he was. Now, "she" has seen him in a low and knows how he gets, and I hold nothing back these days....so I just said that he was having a really bad low and didn't want to join us and that they best get used to being alone with me because when he is gone, that's all they will get! And guess what, we had an absolutely fabulous time and I laughed for 2 1/2 hours! I am so glad that I went. Alone. Without him.
And I didn't want to come home. But I did. Went upstairs and didn't say a word to him and he didn't say a word to me. Got into my jammies and came back downstairs. I'm sure I'll go to bed later on. Maybe I'll just sleep on the sofa or in the guest bedroom.
This will go down 1 of 2 ways. He will either stay mad at me and give me the "silent" treatment for the next couple of days and then become ever so remorseful and fearful that I am going to leave him.....or he will become that way tomorrow.
The ups and downs of this disease just exhaust me beyond reason. I hate it when he acts like a 10 year old like he did tonight. And I suspect that he is going to continue to do this in an effort to distance himself from all of our friends.....and probably try to push me farther away from him.
So, do I butt up against him and refuse to leave. Or do I just leave? If I'm going to be alone anyway, why not start now?
Mostly because I'm too drained to even think about it.
DW
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