Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Sad comment from a spouse so young

Gregory wrote:
Thank you for the blog. My wife's going into the hospital tomorrow with DKA, and I looked for "spouses of diabetics" hoping there'd be some support out there. Glad to find it.
I haven't gone back and read earlier entries yet, but I noticed in this particular entry, it appears that only wives are commenting. Thought I'd throw in my two cents as a husband - also as a younger spouse than many of the posters in here. My wife and I are in our early 30's. She was misdiagnosed in her teens or early 20's as having endomitriosis, and it was only discovered around 28 or 29 that all the symptoms her doctors had ascribed to endo were actually caused by diabetes. First they thought she was type 2 and gave her pills that tore her insides out and made her vomit constantly. Then they tentatively called her a "type 1 1/2" because her symptoms seemed somewhere in between 1 and 2. Now they're sure she's type 1. She's been in the hospital with DKA 3 times, I think. Tomorrow will be her 4th.
My wife read somewhere in a book on diabetes that we thought would HELP her deal with her condition that diabetics lose weight when they don't take their insulin. Unfortunately, she read this during the year leading up to our wedding, and decided it would be a FANTASTIC way to fit in the dress. Now, two years into our marriage, she is still doing it on and off - lying about it, of course - and keeps getting hospitalized. She's now the proud owner of a full-blown eating disorder. Everyone thinks she looks great. That's part of the problem. She keeps getting these little self esteem boosts from idiots who don't know that her "miraculous" weight loss is akin to the poundage dropped by a cancer patient on chemo. I can't talk sense into her, we're rarely, if ever, intimate, and I'm terrified that I'm going to lose her. Even now, when she's agreed to go to the hospital, it's only because she grudgingly admitted to me that she thinks she's been in DKA for 4 freaking days, and she won't go check into the ER until she works half her shift tomorrow till someone can come in and cover. I couldn't get her to go TODAY.
Most of the time, my hands shake and I want to break things. When I don't feel that way, I just feel empty. I don't feel like we're on a team. I've made her look me in the eye and promise never to lie to me again about her health, and she's broken that promise a thousand times over. I don't experience the rage and abuse exactly the same way as a lot of the wives who post here, but I do see it. I get episodes of extreme irrationality. I get a stubborn refusal to take medication, talk to doctors, or admit that anyone, anywhere can help. I get a lot of sulking, and a hell of a lot of neediness. I get worn out, and I get heartbroken. That's what I get. And I desperately, passionately love my wife. But the disease is whittling her away from me.
And now I have to go wake her up, because it just occurred to me that I didn't see her take her nighttime insulin.

Interesting comments. I understand exactly how you feel. I am not sure you can be a "team" with a diabetic....unless they almost desparately want to be a team with you. I think it's a side affect of the drugs. Or a side affect of highs and lows. And you have not idea how well I understand every single emotion that you are going through. The sad part is that you are so young. That she is so young.

Don't expect her to keep a promise. I don't think it's possible.

Don't expect her to be honest with you.

Don't expect her to take her meds.

If you read through many of my past blogs, I talk about the only 2 options that we have. Stay or leave. There isn't much in between. Threats don't work. Promises don't work. Trying to help doesn't work. We stay because we truly love them and live for the good moments. Or we leave.

I had a most interesting converstation with my husband earlier this week. I don't know what started it, but he said he had never been angry with me. I nearly choked on the spot! I said, "you seriously don't remember getting so mad and screaming at me that you wanted me out of this house???" and he replied, "I have never said that to you!"

And I believe that is what he honestly thinks.

More proof to me that no matter what they say or do when in a low....they simply won't remember it, so "it never happened".

How sad for us though, that we remember what happens during their lows.

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