I know it will get worse....but.....

I am beyond exasperated at the moment and will use this blog once again....to vent.

I'll write what happened....but I need an answer as I write this....how can I keep this up? I just don't know!

This past week, I have just about gone insane around here. His back is killing him and I know that. He has been laying on the floor, not eating, sitting in his chair in the office, laying on the bed, laying on the sofa. In the meantime, I have been cleaning. He makes breakfast and spatters grease all over the stove top and has bagel crumbs all over the counter. He never puts up a pan or anything. I come in and clean up after him.

He uses an electric toothbrush and splatters toothpaste all across the mirror and all over the sink and couner top and I come in and clean it all up. Every single morning.

He has diahrrea and I'm the one who cleans TWO toilets on a daily basis.

He wants dogs. We have 2. He will feed them in the morning. But it's me that has to clean up the messes, change out the potty pads, clean up their vomit when they get sick...

And I'm tired of it all.

So today, I had to run out and get glass for an art project and I came home with my arms loaded down and took one look at the kitchen counter which was covered with grease and food and there was no place for me to put down my load. He was sitting on the sofa watching TV. I just said, "you are going to have to start cleaning up the messes that you make around here!" I didn't yell. I didn't raise my voice. I just said it as a natural, normal, matter-of-fact conversation.

Well, that set him off. And I mean in a big way. It started at 2 pm when I got home and it didn't get better all afternoon long. I just left it alone. Not worth an argument if you ask me. I figure he had made himself breakfast and lunch so he shouldn't be low, but who knows. I'm just tired of it.

I spent the afternoon coloring my hair, doing my nails....pampering myself as we had plans to go to the Melting Pot this evening with another couple. We've been with them before and just had the most fun....so I was really looking forward to the evening out.

At 5 pm, I was ready to go, sitting on the sofa answering emails on my laptop and he came in and laid down on the floor in front of me. So I know his back was hurting again. He went to sleep. At 6 pm, I said, "we need to leave in 15 minutes, are you ready to go?"

He said, "I'm not good enough to go".

And I simply thought to myself, fine. He doesn't want to go. I'm not going to force it at all. Yet at the same time I really wanted him to go. I wanted him to get out of the house - to do something, anything. So I said, "why do you say that?" and of course he started in about me telling him he didn't clean the house good enough. Which is not what I had said at all, but then we know where this is going. He said that I yell at him all the time (translate that came from a one line comment above!) LOL!

I really didn't want to get into yet another fight with him, so I said, fine. And I left.

I got to the place and of course our friends wanted to know where he was. Now, "she" has seen him in a low and knows how he gets, and I hold nothing back these days....so I just said that he was having a really bad low and didn't want to join us and that they best get used to being alone with me because when he is gone, that's all they will get! And guess what, we had an absolutely fabulous time and I laughed for 2 1/2 hours! I am so glad that I went. Alone. Without him.

And I didn't want to come home. But I did. Went upstairs and didn't say a word to him and he didn't say a word to me. Got into my jammies and came back downstairs. I'm sure I'll go to bed later on. Maybe I'll just sleep on the sofa or in the guest bedroom.

This will go down 1 of 2 ways. He will either stay mad at me and give me the "silent" treatment for the next couple of days and then become ever so remorseful and fearful that I am going to leave him.....or he will become that way tomorrow.

The ups and downs of this disease just exhaust me beyond reason. I hate it when he acts like a 10 year old like he did tonight. And I suspect that he is going to continue to do this in an effort to distance himself from all of our friends.....and probably try to push me farther away from him.

So, do I butt up against him and refuse to leave. Or do I just leave? If I'm going to be alone anyway, why not start now?

Mostly because I'm too drained to even think about it.

DW