The Wheelchair discussion

First, Mary wrote:
Hi DW,

Thank you for being the voice for the spouses of non-compliant diabetics. I read your blog regularly. What irks me most about some of the responses to your blog is that the majority of the people do not realize that diabetes is a progressive disease. It doesn't "get better" and it doesn't "stabilize." The disease attacks the organs randomly, it could be the kidneys, heart, veins, eyes...who knows what it will choose to destroy first.

In the 6 years since dh's diagnosis he has had kidney failure, neuropathy in the legs and feet and vision problems. He still will not eat properly, exercise or take his medicine like he is supposed to do. It is emotionally painful for me to stand by and watch him slowly die. This takes me back to the question, "do I stay or do I go."

One of my observant dear friends has told me that I am being emotionally abused by dh. I "know" that. He is a sick man and has no one to take care of him. I ask myself "what kind of person would I be if I left him?" Yes, I "know" I need counseling but that still will not make me leave him at this point. So, for now, I continue with this so called "dance."

You shared a quote back in Nov. 2009: "You need to find a goal in your life. That can be to get a job, to get a career, to volunteer, to have a hobby, to work for a cause. The goal is to get you something else to focus on. Something that you can devote your attention to. That way the ['diabetic's problems'] isn't the only thing in your life."

I wrote this quote on the inside cover of my journal and I read it most every day. It helps me to stay focused on the future and helps when the dark times come.

My non-compliant spouse is what he is. I can only change myself and how I think about things. I know that one thing is for sure...I will be alone at some point because the disease will eventually win a victory over his life and I will need to support myself financially.

I try to take one day at a time and today is a good day.

Once again, thank you for your blog.

Mary


Thank you for your kind words. Thank you for reminding me of my own words!!!

Today, we had the "wheelchair discussion". Let me tell you, that is a reality check if anything is! He is fine when he is laying in bed. He is ok when he is sitting in a chair. He simply cannot walk. Not any distance at all. So he brought up the possibility of getting a wheelchair.

My first reaction - make sure it has all the bells and whistles because I couldn't possibly push him in it...he simply weighs too much. And I don't think he has the upper arm strength for a manual wheelchair. So we talked about it over lunch. Then the realization hit both us about the same time that we would need a vehicle that could somehow transport the wheelchair. If he were to get a motorized one, then we need a ramp.

And I think it also hit both of us at the same time that neither one of us is ready for this.

We need a ramp up our front steps.

Our entry way is a step up from the rest of the house, so we need a ramp down inside. I think it would be easier to move. But that won't happen with this housing market.

He became utterly depressed. I tried not to cry. And I managed to make it through our talk without tears. But they were right there.

He is going to his doctor on Thursday. He promised to tell him that muscle relaxers and more meds aren't going to do it. He promised to describe his limitations completely. He promised......

But we have been through this so many times before. I know that he gets to the office and will simply say "things are going ok."

Sigh.

I see my life taking another turn. If he doesn't get a wheelchair.....I think we will be housebound. I think I hate it more for him than anything.

Mary, I am with you. It's like watching another piece of him die off. I am right here with you. I don't think there is anything more emotionally painful than to watch the man you love slowly die. Yet at the same time, I remain so grateful for what we still have. We seem to find pleasure in the littlest things. I know I don't write enough about our good times. We do still have them. We truly are still very much in love. And that is evident in our lives 24/7.....except when he is having a low. Or when he is in so much pain that he can't think or reason.

I, too, will be alone one of these days. Much sooner than I want. I know that I will be even more angry at him then for not doing what he could to take care of himself. But even my mom, a former nurse, says that she feels he is at the point of no return and it might simply be best to let him live the rest of his life doing what he wants, the way he wants.

Some things are best left to the unknown. I'm going to go mom's route and simply support him in what he wants to do. I can't change him. I can only love him. But I swear....had I known I would be at this point, I wonder if I would have ever married him. I don't think so.

You don't need counseling. I think each one of us wonders "who" we would be if we didn't live with someone with this disease. It alters our very existence. It changes the path our life might have taken. So I think it's only natural and normal to wonder where we might be if we didn't have a spouse with this disease.

Tom's wife said in her blog that we come here to "whine" and blow off steam with others who understand. And to laugh at those who don't have a clue. It helps make the burdens of the day just a little easier!

DW