The stress of moving

Moving for anyone is a stressful time. Add diabetes to the mix and look out!!! Hubby is getting more exercise if nothing other than the non stop hunt and find game. The stress of not having what you need when you need it. He does not adjust his insulin on days when he is carrying boxes from storage to the house in hot weather. Daily lows. And he Ned's adrenaline to get that glucose up, so lots of yelling. I think of everything we have been thru and wonder if we will survive this. Major sugar crash at dinner last night. He simply went too long without any food. To resolve the Los? He ate 5 huge cookies. Yep, that's really nutritional. I asked if he wanted a glucose tab. No. He wanted cookies. He tried to assemble a ceiling fan yesterday and it isn't working. I'm wondering if a person can assemble anything epwhile having a low. And he continues to insist that he be in charge of finances. I'm calling him my idiot husband after the movie my idiot brother....he's sort of like the guy in that movie. The good thing for me is that my sisters stop by daily, ask if I need a break, insist that I get out, help me with the yard...it's wonderful!! As a note to self, he seems to have decided to cease all office visits. Said he is not going to the doctors again. Time will tell. I'm doing fine. Outside all the time. Today my sis and I started on a kennel for the pups. It's a different world when you can be outside so much of the time!! DW

I'm so tired.

I've been getting up at 5 am, going outside to do some gardening.  This morning I had hoped to put together the little garden shed, but decided we have to level the back yard before we can put it up.

At 8:30 am, hubby came outside and said he wanted to talk.  So we sat down under the pergola.  It was about insurance for the new house.  He explained something, then I asked a question.  He said, no, let me explain how it is....and then he said exactly what I just asked....but in a statement not a question.  So I asked him how that was any different from what I had just said.  He got mad.  He started to raise his voice and I said I'm done and walked through the garage to go into the house.  Here he comes yelling after me that I am just acting like a child.  So I decided, yes, I can act like a child and slammed the door as I came into the house.

Sort of funny - guess he didn't like that at all.  Came in after me, cornered me, stuck his finger right in my face and was yelling at me and he just wouldn't stop.  I kept saying that I'm done.  I'm not discussing anything with you while you are in this mood.  To which he just ranted.  He just plain ranted.  Started accusing my sister who lives here that she had to come "rescue" me yesterday because I was so mad at him.  Honestly, I couldn't remember being mad at him at all, but just to shut him up, I said "yes".

About then the doorbell rang and it was her.  I told her we had to go walk.  Of course, she reminded me that she rescued me from the heat.  I had been working outside and was hot and sweaty and couldn't find something I was looking for and that's why I was upset.....so she rescued me!  LOL!

Now, why couldn't I remember that?

Buy why did he turn it around to me being upset with him?

It just amazes me.  I'm pretty sure he was having a sugar low.  But of course he knows that he wasn't.  But I'm sure the yelling got him up out of the low as fast as possible as he was pretty angry with me.

If he thinks he's going to go into a rage outside....he's got another "think" coming!!!

I think the day is just going to go downhill from here.  I am so grateful that I will be driving my sister 3 hours to her house this evening and for the next 2 days we will be packing up her stuff to get her moved down here.  At least I get a break from him.

As a note to myself.....He has unpacked his room/bathroom/office and got it all set up.  I have unpacked the library, my bedroom, laundry room, kitchen, living rooms as well as the entire garage.  He has not done a thing to help me with all that.  So I personally think if I wanted to get really pissed at him....I have every right to do so.

DW

Will life ever be normal again?

We are moved in....but not "moved" in.  I'm not sure I will ever get unpacked.  3700 sf into 1150 sf - you do the math!  LOL!!!  It just doesn't work.  Today we picked up a garden shed which will help and another bookcase.  That just means tomorrow I go to work assembling them!

Hubby has been having way too many sugar lows.  I think he is working more, walking to mom's in the evening with me, and hasn't cut his insulin.  Seems to be a morning problem, anywhere from 8 am - 10 am.

But he says he is happy here.  And he does seem to be trying to keep the peace.  We were back at our other house today and I asked if he wanted to stop by and see his grandkids.  He said no.  He said it was up to them to come see him.  I think he's a bit jealous as my son now lives 30 miles away and has stopped by 3 times in a week.  They do enjoy each other.  I think next time the son pops in I will ask them to do a project together.  We had a G scale bumper train and I have a perfect spot for it.   Would be a great project for them to do together.  I think if I get him involved with family things, he will be fine.

So a note for myself.  He is complaining about upper back severe pain.  The back surgeon had told him that once they fused the lower spine, the upper spine would start to curve and need to be fused.  I assume that is happening so I asked him if he would like to talk to his surgeon and he gave me an emphatic "no"!

DW

Moving day

Yesterday we loaded the moving truck. He put his bags at the front door. He didn't take them to the car. Just sat them by the door. The movers put them on the truck. So he has no insulin, no meds. We started unloading the truck last night and still can't see his bags. I want to say "idiot" except it's just so sad. Needless to say, he is a total bear. Yelling at me that his sugars are just fine. Oh happy moving day!!! Okay we find the bag early today as we continue to unload. DW....beyond exhausted!

Sooooo busy!!!

We've wired the cash and we close on Monday!!!  This is the first time in my life that I have a house paid for.....thanks to the generous settlement hubby received from his employer!  I am so beyond excited!!!  We've rented a small uhaul trailer and will take a first load down and unload Monday after we close.  I will stay and paint the inside of the house.  We move in a week from Sunday. Needless to say, I don't have time to blog!

But of interest, this morning, just as we were going into the bank, he crashed.  I had powerbars in the car and he ate one, but I tell you, he was a white as a sheet.  Have not had a low in several months and I wasn't prepared for this one.  But he got through it and we got done at the bank and came straight home and had an early lunch.  He's been just fine ever since.

If I don't post for the next few days, it's because I'm happily packing, moving, painting, designing our future in a tiny little retirement cottage.  He has agreed to walk over to mom's every evening and check in on her - just a short 4 block walk.  I have gorgeous beautiful roses already in full bloom climbing up the west side of the house!  And the very best rose garden in the whole town is right across the street from our home, so I will get to enjoy that on a daily basis!

DW

Surviving stress

Life is amazing. I have no patience. Last night I was so depressed as I needed to make another house hunting trip next week. I had spent 3 days printing out everything available in our price range, reviewing properties at the assessors office..... Tonight, our realtor called. Two days ago, I had told him if the contract on the house I wanted fell thru, I wanted to write a new one on it. He said it was a cash deal and there was no way it wouldn't sale. I said a prayer. The other realtor called him and said the couple decided to walk away from it. I said, how fast can you write a contract? He was at his kids baseball game. He called the other realtor and we now have a verbal agreement...to buy the house I really want. We may close next Friday!!! We may be moving in a week. I am so excited!! I will be 2 blocks from mom and my sister, 2 miles from another sister, 23 miles from my brother. I can hardly believe it. Hubby just says, "I never had any doubt" Funny. He is still on his best behavior.....and his glucose is coming down. The flatulence is gone. Perhaps he is back on track to live life a few more years!! Tonight I'm doing a huge happy dance that will be even bigger once we get moved in. He is still agreeing to pt the house in my name only....in exchange I will provide his health insurance for the rest of his life. Fair trade. Lied is better tonight. DW

Is he really changing?

Is it the Prozac?  I don't know, but things are great!  He is so calm....even keeled.  No outbursts in nearly 2 weeks now.  When I ask him to help, he does.   It's actually pleasant most of the time.  He does seem to be more isolated - is that the depression?  I have never been around anyone 24/7 that is on prozac.

There is such peace here right now.  Just when I was ready to walk away from it all.  So I wonder if this is a joke or something.  But I will take it while it lasts.  

Dare I push my luck?  Ask for even more changes?  I did ask him today what he wanted to do for the next 20 years and he said he didn't know.  So I said I thought he should think about that.  I said I would like to put our energy into fixing up our new home (if we ever find one) and into decorating it and he said that would be ok.

I asked him to help me do yardwork tomorrow and he said he would.  It can't be this simple.  I know - don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

Anyway, I needed to write about this and then see how long it lasts.  His glucose is getting back under control as the endo is working closely with him.  I am hoping the next A1c has much better results.  Is it a combination of that and the changes in other medications?

It's been a good day!

DW

Home

Interesting.  Came home after being gone this week. Clean house.  Smells clean. Counters are clean.  Everything is put away.

No conversation and I did not try to engage him in a conversation.  Simply unpacked, did laundry, caught up on emails, etc.  Sat down in the family room and he finally decided to chat with me....4 hours after I got home.

He went to bed at 7 pm.  I'm finishing laundry.

Not much of a marriage - but at least no yelling and screaming.  I am enjoying the peace.  I enjoyed my time away.

Drove by a house that I love, so I am going to mail a letter to the owner and see if they have any interest in selling.  One just never knows and it doesn't cost to ask!!!

Tomorrow is a new day and a new week.  Will continue walking and working on my own health.  Decided I need to start eating an apple a day to keep my doctor away!  LOL!!!

DW

Adrift

I'm at my sisters.  Getting a much needed break.  Adrift from any plans, changes....not even thinking about the future.  But having a great time.  Walked 3 miles with 2 of my sisters and that is my dream - to move here and be with family.  Looked at 4 more houses, liked 2 of them, but both are above our price range.

Rest - renews the soul, heals the body.  Sleeping so well.  Staying cool in the heat.   Having long talks.  Making notes.  Feeling younger even.

Will post again when I get home.

Lilly - I'm jealous of your camper.  :o)

DW

Pulling weeds

Today is day 4 of walking 2 miles in the mornings.  It is helping.  After I got home I went to the back yard and started pulling weeds.  A gentle rain overnight helped soften the ground, but they were still quite tough.  It got me to thinking.  Perhaps I've allowed too many weeds to enter my life and I've been lax in trimming them back.

You know how weeds can vine around almost any plant and strangle them?  I think there's been some of that going on in my life and I got lax and just let them grow and take over.

So it felt good to be outside, to be pulling weeds, to be cleaning out my flower beds.

Our AC went out.  So I'm now keeping the windows open.  I hear the birds.  I feel the wind.  I smell "outside" - not closed up house.  It's putting life back into my soul and I just love it.

Of course, hubby hates it.  He wants to spend $3000 and get the AC fixed. When we are moving?  I don't think so!!!

He is finally completely and totally out of money.  I sat down with him and showed him what I have left til I get my next check on the 1st.  This is too much for him.  He simply walked out of the room.  I have no idea how he is going to live on "poor".  I was raised on it, so I'm just fine.  He wants to go to the movies and dinner with friends on Saturday.  We can go, but do we really want to spend that much money on dinner and movies???   I don't!  Especially when there's nothing I really want to see.

Put a smile on my face.  And this is really just short term.  Until his retirement check starts to arrive.  We'll be fine, then.  And we have plenty in the bank, but if he touches it once, it will all be gone.  To we are going to leave that alone and live on my retirement until his starts.  A good lesson for him.  I hope he stays awake or he will be the next weed I pull in my garden!  LOL!!!

DW - finding things to smile about hour by hour.

And the verdict is

still out.  After a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy, they still cannot identify if the cells are cancer or not, so they want to remove the nodule.  The Surgery Dept will be calling me next.

Whatever it is, I swear it was caused by stress.  And I'm going to move forward to remove as much stress from my life as I can.

DW

Life on the Titanic, when do you step onto the raft?

Now, I think that's a really good question as I continue to blog our life.  Yesterday, I had a biopsy done on my right breast due to what showed up on the ultrasound.  There is a spot bottom center.  But when I got into the unit and all set up, the doctor saw additional spots top center.  So she biopsied 3 spots.

I have this huge needle phobia.  HUGE!

She used 2 needles to numb the lower portion, then FOUR huge gigantic enormous needles to do biopsies!  Then, 2 more needles to numb the upper portion, and THREE huge, gigantic, enormous needles to do 3 more biopsies on top.

ELEVEN needles!!!  I am amazed I am alive - only due to the most amazing nurse who kept me engaged in stupid gibberish the entire time.  She was such a hoot I had to hug her goodbye.  She told hubby I needed jewelry!  LOL!

But the moment I started walking, I started getting nauseated.  Beyond belief sick to my stomach.  Hubby brought me straight home and I started on tylenol.  They had wrapped me so tight, I could hardly breathe. After 4 hours, I took the binding off and I've been ok since then.  But I'm not supposed to lift anything for 24 hours.

Hubby did a good job of taking care of what I needed last night.  But he woke up this morning with an optical migraine.  So who takes care of me until my 24 hours are up?

Maybe that's the whole problem of taking care of someone with diabetes.  There is no one to take care of you when you really need it.

He was supposed to go to urology this morning and he cancelled that appt.

I got up and walked 2 miles (the nurse said I could do that), managed to drag the trash barrels to the curb (they weren't that full this week since he's been gone), finished 2 loads of laundry and folded it (he can get the basket upstairs) and I'm probably done for the day....but it's more than he will do.  LOL!!!

So questions for myself - he complains that his mother cancels all of her medical appointments for one reason or another.  How is he any different?  He said that he and his brother tried to engage her in conversations.  When I brought him home from the airport Monday night, I tried over and over to engage him in conversations.  If I didn't ask a question, he just sat there.  Never started a conversation once.  How is that any different?

And I can see how it is having an impact on me.  Whether or not this is cancer, things HAVE to change.

We should have some results this afternoon, or in the morning at the latest.  Grateful that I don't have to wait longer than that.   I can guarantee you if this is cancer - he is going to be too "sick" to take care of me.  He can't last 24 hours during the testing phase.....how could he make it through anything else?  His Titanic is sinking and I need to get my raft built fast!!!

DW

The titanic is sinking

I got a great night's sleep. And today after a chat with my youngest sister. I decided that my life was like the titanic and I need to get off. I wrote my feelings in a note to hubby. I'm not sure he understood what I was saying, but I think those of my regular readers will.

There are so many different things going on in our life right now. He is with his parents who are a sinking ship on their own. He is not communicating with me at all, making decisions with his brother that will affect my life. So I told him that I'm building a raft and getting on it and if he wants to get on it with me that is fine. But it means that I am involved in every decision. No more meetings with his parents without me. No more worrying about his mom getting upset because I know what is going on. And if we winter with them, they will not yell at me or talk down to me.

I told him that his diabetes is a sinking ship and on the raft, there is only exercise and healthy eating. He can make that choice, but if he decides to continue at the buffet on the Titanic, I won't be there with him.

I also explained that I'm not going to his doctors again. That ship has sailed!

I realized today that I can survive without him and that the stress with him is causing my own body to break down and that I need to step off the ship and get on a raft in order to survive.
O
I've been building this raft and didn't even know it. I started downsizing a year ago selling large items on eBay. I added a plank to the raft when we decided to move closer to my family...something I need in order to get back to happiness.

Of course, he wrote back and said he did not understand what I wanted him to say.

I wrote back that it was very clear and really simple. He can stay on the titanic or he can get on the raft. Each is a distinct place and there is nothing in between. I clearly wrote out what life on the raft will be like. I told him that it is a very strong raft, but it doesn't come with a buffet, and you can't hire done the things you don't want to do, you have to buckle down and work hard.

He still has not said what he wants to do. He said we could talk about it when he gets home....which I translate to mean that he doesn't want anything to change.

So, here I go. I am going to move forward ever so slowly...but I have taken the first step onto my raft. I have made a choice to get off his sinking ship. I am giving him a choice to join me. He will never be able to say that I left him. He can only say that he chose not to join me.
I feel great. I know I will have to work hard every day to stay on the raft...but I am not ready to sink!

It's the perfect analogy. And it's what I am going to focus on. I really have to get back to where I can laugh and enjoy life and not worry.

Yeah me!!

Ok, who is ready to build their own raft and step on it?

DW

The ridiculous stuff in life

This has been just the worst week ever.  I am completely exhausted from packing, sorting, cleaning.  We've had a showing on our home almost every day, and today, there were 2 showing.  I also had a huge garage sale today.  I will never have another one - ever.  Just too much work.  I got rid of so much stuff and made a ton of money....but I think I will just give it all to goodwill from now on.

Hubby is a thousand miles away visiting his parents.  For all intense purposes, they have shut me out.  He told me he would be by his phone all day today in case I had questions about his stuff.  Not once did he answer when I called him.  Beyond frustrating.

Then he called me this evening and I was hurting so much I simply did not get out of my chair to go get the phone.  After 10 minutes he texted, "I guess you are too busy to talk to me".

Holy cow!!!  I nearly flipped out!  After 20 calls to him that he did not answer he texts that because I didn't answer his call?

It's not been a pleasant evening around here to say the least!  He knows he was wrong and he has tried every sob story in the book to get out of this one!  I finally just told him I'm too tired to deal with anything and I need a night off - which is exactly what I'm doing.

To top it of, he has not responded to my emails about the house we are negotiating to purchase.  I'm sure he just wants to wait until he gets home to discuss it.  I'd rather get it done while he's gone.  Just know that I am so physically worn down.....I may not make it.  I am more than concerned for my own health.  I don't know how long I can continue to do the negotiations on the sale of this house, the purchase of a new home, pack, sort, lift/carry boxes, bring loads up from the basement and down from the second level....it is truly overwhelming.  I am praying that this is just a one night thing and that tomorrow will be a new day and I'll have another ounce of energy.  But tonight - I have spent everything that I have.  Simply exhausted beyond belief.

7:45 and I'm going to go to bed.  I'll be awake at 3 am!  LOL!!!

DW

Dear Mary,

I'm working from my iPad this morning so I can't copy and paste your comment from a few posts back.

Your wrote about losing friends because they did not believe what you said your diabetic spouse did.

Trust me. I completely understand. I have lost numerous friends over the last few years over this.

I wonder if it's like getting married and all your still single friends sort of fall by the wayside. Or like having a baby and most of your childless friends get tired of you blabbering on about your new baby's first this or that.

So your spouse gets diabetes and your friends don't want to listen about it so they part ways.

I've sort of put it in the marriage/baby category. And yes, the loss of a good friend hurts. But I find I get mad at myself for trusting that they would stick with me no matter what happened.

Over the years, a lot of my personal friendships have been with people I worked with. Trust me, it doesn't take long for them to bail once you leave a job. And I do not have any close long distance friends as its just too much to try and keep up.

Fortunately, my 3 sisters have become my best friends. But we were not always like that either. But we have grown up and come to realize that in our 50-60 years of living...we are still each others best friends and can count on the simple fact that if any one of us is in need, the others will drop what they are doing, leave work, and be there as soon as possible.

So I now invest my time and energy in family and if someone else wants to be my friend, they have to at least meet me half way. If they don't, it's not really a friendship.

And no matter what your hubby did, I would never doubt you. Those of us with diabetic spouses hav all experienced ridicously outlandish behavior in our spouses.

Know that you are never alone. Never.

DW

It never ends.

Last week, we had a conversation.  He has promised me we would buy a small retirement home where my mom lives.  I told him I was afraid that when he got to his parents house, he would feel all guilty and decide that we should move and take care of them.  He said, "no, we will move to where you mom is, I promise."

So he just skyped me and the deal that we are working on in the little cottage is falling through.  Long story.  But we both agreed to let it go.  Then he said, "we could always live here for free."  I just shook my head no.

Why does he do this?  Promise me one thing then change his mind?  Try to worm his way out of an agreement.  Yes, we could move in with his parents and live there for free, but absolutely nothing in life is free.  They are the kind of people who would remind us daily.  They hate me.  Why would I want to move there?  They would expect me to cook and clean.  No - that is not going to happen.  I have my own retirement income that will support me.

What he'd better think about is that he wants me to add him to my health insurance plan this fall when his runs out.  And I cannot do that if we are living in 2 separate places.  And while I would love to live rent free....not at the price of being with his parents day in and day out.

I also know that they may not live much longer.  But they could live another 10 years and I'm way too old to live under those conditions for 10 years!!!

Basically, I'm just writing down my thoughts here.  I need to point to a date and time when he made a verbal agreement with me.  Because I know when he gets home, this conversation is going to come up again.  I'm not going to allow him to use the argument that he never said this or that, or that he doesn't remember saying it!!!

So the deal on the retirement cottage is gone.  We missed the deadline on purpose.  It is a buyers market and the owner added and added and added to his side of the deal until I just got burnt out and think it's best if we go back to looking and find someone who actually wants to sell their place!  We had a verbal agreement, but when we put it in writing, the seller did not sign, but countered with more items he wanted.  At this point, we will just wait until we get all the cash from his retirement/severance and make a cash offer.

Does nothing though to relieve my stress and I'm sure it's why he thinks we should now move in with his parents!  Nope, not happening!!!

DW

How does time fly???

It just seems to zip by here! Last minute change of plans, he flew to see his parents rather than the 2 of us making the horrible 15 hour drive. A huge relief for me!!

We havent heard if the seller signed the contract yet. Giving the realtor til tomorrow to call me back.

I am packing like crazy while attempting to keep the house clean for showings.

Hubby's glucose dose is now at 50u in the am and 50 u in the evenings. Remember that he takes the concentrated insulin which is 5 times regular insulin. So he's taking 250u of regular insulin morning and night and his numbers are still hovering 200 - 250. Sure seems like a ton of insulin!!

I am enjoying the break from his diabetes. Enjoying the solitude. Had a genealogy meeting and a board meeting today. A showing in the morning. Art pal coming over later tomorrow...turning out to be a busy week.

Hope all of you have a good one!

DW

What stress does

I now have a tiny nodule on my right breast. A little surprised it hasn't happened sooner. He's had a Heart attack, bypass, spinal fusion, laid off.....only makes sense that I get a cyst. Will do a needle biopsy on 4/24. Told him I simply have to take all the stress out of my life. And he's been great this week. He leaves in the morning to fly to visit his parents for the next 10 days. I need this break. I sure hope he does well traveling - but I can't concern myself with his health any longer.

We are back in negotiations on the house we like and may close as early as 4/26. Wouldn't that be amazing??

So I hope to get the entire house packed while he is gone.

I sure am going to be busy!! But I promise I'll take a couple of long hot baths!!

Dw

And another meltdown

And over such minute things. Today was a hard day for him. Neither of his children invited him to be with them for Easter. I try to remind him that their mom has moved back into the area. But he simply says that they don't love him. We started to complete some medical questionnaire and he couldn't remember the street address where he worked. He got pissed when I asked him his hourly rate. He didn't know the number for HR and didn't know where to look to find it. I asked him to print out copies of pay stubs for this yeAr and he argued with me about why they were needed.

I am really tired of his inability to function. I think the final straw was when he could not decide between 2 things for dinner. Seriously???

We go see his cardiologist tomorrow and I think he should let her know about his suicidal thoughts. Oh, he got mad at me because he is on a one month restriction from lactose products.

He sat in his chair and watched TV all day long while I packed box after box and carried them to the garage. I wonder if he is simply shutting down. His depression was way worse today. All of his anger is directed at me. If I survive this, it will be a miracle. I really wondered today if we should just separate. Before we sign this contract.i think I can handle everything except these near daily meltdowns. Is that because of his glucose?

I had to get out of the house this evening, so I drove over to our little neighborhood lake and just sat and watched joggers and kids til it got dark. I called my sis and talked to her. She thinks he needs to be institutionalized. I'm not sure about that.

I know I am under severe stress as my right breast has started to have a discharge. I'm going to schedule a mammogram tomorrow and will go see my doctor when the results come in.

I'm just to tired of everything tonight.

DW

The 4th house I looked at....I fell in love

2 blocks from my mom's retirement center.  Perfect for us.  Small retirement cottage.  3 bed, 2 bath.  Everything we need, so we made an offer today.  Keep your fingers crossed!!!

I'm back home.  Had so much fun with mom and my sisters.  They are about as excited as I am.  We pulled out 40 year old shrubs from in front of mom's apt yesterday and made a flower bed.  She will put in roses and flowers the first of May.  She was just so happy!!!

Hubby did quite well while I was gone, but says he's glad I'm back.  I know he does not like to be alone.

His visit to the GI.  Well, they agreed with my "diagnosis" that something went wrong at the surgery last year.  He is to go off all milk products for the next 30 days and take prescription probiotics to see if they can't jumpstart something they think stopped a year ago.  I can't remember the name, but it's like a gland or something.  I sure would be delighted if this works!

Monday, we go see his cardiologist.  These office visits sure are keeping us busy!!

DW