Waiting...

No word on the mammogram yet.  I've decided that's good news.  I will get a letter in the mail saying all is well.

Ok, that's what I'm praying for!

My turn with mom.  Oh, how my heart grieves for her.  She is sleeping now, but only due to the drugs she is taking to kill her pain.

Hubby drove 2 hours today to be at his granddaughters birthday party.  I had to stay and sit with mom as both sisters had to work this afternoon.

He is still going low way too much.   His shoulder hurts so bad and now he is driving 4 hours to and from this party.  And the child won't remember he was there.

Just so sad.

I think I am finally caught up with my sleep.   Gardening is such a blessing.  I can lovingly care for the plants and beat the crap out of the ground as I prepare it for new plants.  LOL!!!

This evening I plan to paint rocks and make them look like ladybugs and put them on the garden shed deck.  Time to do something fun!!

DW

and he's over it

within 24 hours - he was back talking to me like nothing happened.

had my follow up mammogram yesterday.  No one there to read it.  So it's still "wait and see".

We have so very many medical practitioners - who are always on vacation or in a meeting.

the future of our healthcare?

we had to drive to our old residence to have it done as I haven't change my hmo yet because I didn't want to start this process all over again.

Mom is worse.  2 of my sisters and I are starting 24 hr care today.  My day.  It's going to be a long day. I'm eternally grateful that we are only 2 blocks away and that I can help.

DW

WHY?

Two mornings ago, he walked outside of the house, outside the garage, into the back yard, in his tidy whities....to put the pups in the kennel.  I was already outside in the garden and when I saw him, I simply gasped!!!  This is a man who looks like he is 7 months pregnant....and he's  outside in nothing but his briefs.  No, not boxers...briefs.

OH MY GOD!!!  I simply wanted to scream my head off.  I quietly followed him into the house and in the quietest voice, I said, "please put some clothes on before you come outside."  He said, "why?  No one is going to see me"

I explained that our drive goes into the alley and anyone can go down that alley at any time.  My sisters drive into the back (our garage opens to the back yard and entrance is from the alley, and I'm usually in the garden) any time.

What on earth was he thinking?  That he could go outside completely undressed?  Is he losing his mind???

Then this morning - I know he was having a severe low - and he came completely unglued over a question I asked him.  And that lead to him screaming his head off about every grievance he has ever had in his entire life.  Mostly that no one cares about him, he should go kill himself, he's going to move out as soon as......

Honestly, he was yelling so loud and his words were so slurred I have no idea what he said.  I went to my sisters and spent the whole day there.  Came home about  5 pm and worked in the flower beds.  Came inside to a kitchen that had every pot and pan out on the cabinet - dirty.  The counter tops were a mess.  I'm not sure what he tried to fix today and I have no idea why it took every pan in the house.  I loaded them into the dishwasher and cleaned up the kitchen.  He must think I'm his personal maid.  Wait....I guess I am!!!  LOL!!!  I'm going to put my jammies on and close my door and watch a movie.

I'm just so tired of the ups and downs, the emotional roller coaster, the yelling, accusations, threats.....you know what I'm talking about and it does help to know that there are other spouses who understand.

DW

Ups and Downs, Highs and Lows

He has been in a complete snit.  Not speaking to me.  Using his "silent" treatment. And I've been ignoring it.  I think maybe he's upset because I'm spending so much time with my sisters....but not sure that's really it.

Then my mom got sick.  Had her in the ER and my sister's and I are rotating staying with her.  Going over 3-4 times a day to check in.

And he immediately turns into a saint.

Is it that the adrenaline kicks in and brings his glucose up?

Or does he somehow feel more "needed" because she is sick?

I feel so bad for her. She's been in incredible pain.  Called hospice to come in to control the pain and assist her in remaining independent as long as she possibly can be.  They can stay on board for 3 - 5 years.

Is he worried that he's going to need hospice?

Mom seems to want to will herself to death at times.

Is he thinking he can do that?

At least his snit is over!  And while I'm stressing out over mom, I'm getting a little relief from him.

As an update:

He's still eating everything in sight and I'm refusing to go to the grocery.

He's still have way too many lows - using power bars and glucose tabs way too much.

He is not sleeping at nights.  But will sit in his chair and sleep most of the day.

When life gets too overwhelming, my sisters and I get together and have a good talk.

His son cancelled the granddaughter's birthday gathering and I think hubby is quite depressed over that.

Working on staying in my happy spot. Gardening is so good for me!  And singing again - oh!  what a joy!!!

DW

Ignoramus!

All of my sisters and one of our female cousins were together this weekend along with an artist pal of mine.  The word "ignoramus" came up - it was a word we could use during our childhood days as we weren't allowed to curse.  If we didn't like someone, we would call them an "ignoramus".  I thought it meant idiot.  So, we looked it up.

It means:  A really ignorant person. Someone who doesn't know how the world works, and doesn't CARE to know.


and I had to laugh as it sort of describes hubby's attitude towards his diabetes.  He does not CARE to know what is going on in his body.

He is now buying 2 bottles of glucose tabs every week at the grocery store.  Along with 24 power bars.    In addition, this week he has eaten 2 10" cherry pies.  3 Snickers bars and who knows what else.

Obviously he's gaining weight again.   My friend said he looks like he's perpetually 7 months pregnant.

And he is refusing to go to any of his doctors.  No checkups.  No labs.  No A1c.

I know.....I can't fix him.

:o)

DW

Frustration

Hubby is having more and more lows. He has taken to eating power bars and glucose tabs. Like candy. He mowed the lawn last night. My sis was here and we were watching a movie. It's not like we had been partying all day...we had been out in the hot sun assembling a garden shed and just finished for the day. Both of us on heating pads due to back pain. But quietly watching a movie. Hubby decides to mow the yard. He is outside abot 10 minutes...it had cooled down to 73 degrees, and he comestible and sits down in the living room, eating a power bar, sighing loudly somoften it was almost funny. I knew he was having a low. I knew that he wanted attention. I know that when he goes low, he starts acting like a 10 year old. But this Ike I ignored him and just kept watching the movie. What I'd like to know is if this is standard behavior for a low. I agree with DW2 that it is just annoying. Why can't he just take care of himself? Why can't he prevent these lows. He can surely count and know that they are increasing. Or is that part of his brain gone? Literally, what is wrong with him? Does he need attention so desperately that he allows himself to go low? Bottom line, his disease, his problem. Not mine!!! Yet why do I get so angry with him that he won't or can't take care of himself?? He ripped something inside his shoulder during the move. Ts been 6 weeks now and not getting any better, but he is refusing to see a doctor. In fact he is refusing to go through the new patent process since we are in a new HMO. So if he neds a doctoring an emergency, what does he think is going to happen? More stress on me....during my cancer evaluation process? How do I know his shoulder is not getting better? He constantly complains about the pain and he can't do anything....thus the reason my sister and I were assembling the garden shed rather than he and I doing it. I personally think that if a person is not willing to get medical treatment, then they should not have any complaints!! I woke up tired of it. Here's hoping the day grows better! DW

Sleeping his life away

Hubby seems to be sleeping more and more. He wakes up at 7 am and lets the dogs out, then goes back to sleep. Will get up around 10 am and stays awake til noon. Then he snoozes in his chair in the living room until 3 or 4 pm. He usually goes to bed at 7 pm and will sleep thru most of whatever movie he has on. He is having more and more lows. Countering them with power bars and/or glucose tabs. Because of my own looming upcoming mammogram, I am trying my best to ignore most of this but finding that difficult to do. I visit my mom daily and 2 of my sisters seem to stop by every days which is great diversions. I can talk to both of them and distress. I never realized just how much I needed my family to help me get through the day. I truly am feeling much less stressed by hubby's continuing decline. Some days I think he lives like an 80 year old man. We installed central AC this week and he seems to be less grouchy which is a welcome relief. But I have noticed a new pattern that when a low is coming on, he gets demanding. Whatever he wants done has to get done right then and there...no matter how crazy the task seems.m I'm learning to just get him something to eat, or act like I'm starving to death! Seems to be working. And he is gaining weight again. A pattern that happens when he starts having lows. It's like it's permission for him to eat anything and everything he wants. Last night he ate 3 huge burgers!!! I keep reminding him we are on a budget. Doesn't seem to be sinking in! Tomorrow I'm off to garage sales with one sister, then taking mom to a bookstore. After that I will put up shelves in his room and then I hope to put a layer of thick plastic in the crawl space. So much timid when you move into a new house...I wonder if I will ever get it all done. In the meantime, I am loving every moment of living here!! DW

All well now

Well, that little illness only lasted 3 days, but it zapped me. My sis and her boyfriend got it and now mom. I continue to check in on mom at least once a day and see both my sisters at least once a day. I just love living this close to my family and hubby seems to be adjusting to it. He has been taking online computer animation classes and doing cartoon characters representing the humorous side of life here. He seems to enjoy that as well. Having some difficulties with his insurance at the moment and are working to fix those. He was put on a new plan for the 6 months severance pkg and then he will go on my insurance. All with the same HMO, but each is a "new" plan. I doubt they could make this any more difficult if they tried. But we are wading thru the red tape. My next mammogram is 8/1. I am praying that it is clear, but scared to death that it won't be. I have been under extreme stress for the last 4 years and it has to take its toll somewhere. I am really doing my best to de-stress....but not sure how one can do that with the thought of cancer looming over me all the time. Being with family helps. We seem to be blessed with our weather. No fire, no storms, no severe drought, no extreme heat. It is a blessing, but my heart goes out to those impacted by everything going on. Hubby has been up most nights sick. Usually something he ate. He does fine taking care of himself, which lets me sleep at night. But he has been quite tired most days and is sleeping a lot more than usual. I am enjoying this lull while it lasts. DW

Been sick

I'm the one who's been sick the last 4 days. Woke up Tuesday with a stomach bug that completely wiped me out.  So weak I couldn't lift my ipad!  No interest in anything. Didn't eat.  Just slept.  Did my best to keep hydrated and this morning, I woke up and was just fine.  What a relief!

I do not like being ill.  Not even for a moment.  I don't think I've been sick for almost 4 years now.  I can't fathom how hubby can endure what he goes through with his lactose intolerance.

He was quite good all week and just let me sleep.  I think he probably slept most of the time as well!  LOL!!!  He is adjusting to our new routine quite well.  Seems to have is glucose levels back at a fairly level place.  I think he's enjoying the visitors stopping by every day.  And he is taking online animation classes which is great.  Perhaps retiring will prove to be a really good choice for him.  Or is this just the peaceful part of the roller coaster ride?  LOL!!!

Been a good week considering my illness.

DW

I can't help him

Yesterday, we picked up a pizza to take to mom.  He ordered a sandwich and it came with 5 different types of cheese on it.  I said, "are you sure that's ok?" and he just shook his head yes.

We were inside the place, so I wasn't going to argue with him.

He was up vomiting all night long with diarrhea.  I mean every 5 minutes.  Literally.  I don't know where it came from.  He was so weak today.  And he didn't eat at all...so I expect him to crash any time as he is still taking his insulin....with no carbs going it.

What a nightmare!

But I can't help him.  I did ask the question.  It was a gentle reminder.  I know he loves and craves cheese.....but since he is now lactose intolerant...is it worth it?

If it were me....no!  But apparently it is for him.

I popped over to mom's for an hour this morning.  Wonderful to get in these mini breaks.  They had a mother/daughter team playing the piano and organ and I simply lost myself in the music.  Came back home and started playing my keyboard.  No idea how long it's been since I did that.  Great inspiration.  Great day.

I'm learning - it's his disease, I can't help him.

DW

Settling in

It has taken the last 3 weeks, but we are unpacked and settling in to a rather quiet, nice routine.  And for the most part, hubby has been quite considerate.   I have been gone 2-3 days a week helping my sister pack. They close on their house on the 26th and she is moving here.  So I think we've done pretty good considering how much I've been gone.

I know I'm close when I hang mom's paintings.  This is such a tiny house I've put them into collages on whole walls and I think I like it!  We are getting an estimate for central AC as this place has a swamp cooler that just does not cut it!

We walk over to mom's every evening.  Tonight, we took out 2 little chihuahuas and she sat outside and petted them for a good half hour.  It is so wonderful to get to see her every single day.  Her ankle has healed and she is doing so much better.  I know she doesn't have long, but I am sure enjoying my time with her.  And my sisters.

Sunday we took a drive and ended up at my brother's house about 23 miles SW of here.  That was fun. This week we will drive about an hour to visit a guy who used to work for hubby.  I am getting my art studio set up....but literally outside in the garden from 6 - 10 am and again in the evenings after the sun sets.

It was worth all the hassle and struggle to be in a place so peaceful and to have hubby doing so well.  I think he may adapt to retired life.  He is sleeping a whole lot more, but then he is getting more exercise than ever.  He hurt his shoulder, so I'm letting him rest until that heals.

Our new home.  Feels perfect!

The stress of moving

Moving for anyone is a stressful time. Add diabetes to the mix and look out!!! Hubby is getting more exercise if nothing other than the non stop hunt and find game. The stress of not having what you need when you need it. He does not adjust his insulin on days when he is carrying boxes from storage to the house in hot weather. Daily lows. And he Ned's adrenaline to get that glucose up, so lots of yelling. I think of everything we have been thru and wonder if we will survive this. Major sugar crash at dinner last night. He simply went too long without any food. To resolve the Los? He ate 5 huge cookies. Yep, that's really nutritional. I asked if he wanted a glucose tab. No. He wanted cookies. He tried to assemble a ceiling fan yesterday and it isn't working. I'm wondering if a person can assemble anything epwhile having a low. And he continues to insist that he be in charge of finances. I'm calling him my idiot husband after the movie my idiot brother....he's sort of like the guy in that movie. The good thing for me is that my sisters stop by daily, ask if I need a break, insist that I get out, help me with the yard...it's wonderful!! As a note to self, he seems to have decided to cease all office visits. Said he is not going to the doctors again. Time will tell. I'm doing fine. Outside all the time. Today my sis and I started on a kennel for the pups. It's a different world when you can be outside so much of the time!! DW

I'm so tired.

I've been getting up at 5 am, going outside to do some gardening.  This morning I had hoped to put together the little garden shed, but decided we have to level the back yard before we can put it up.

At 8:30 am, hubby came outside and said he wanted to talk.  So we sat down under the pergola.  It was about insurance for the new house.  He explained something, then I asked a question.  He said, no, let me explain how it is....and then he said exactly what I just asked....but in a statement not a question.  So I asked him how that was any different from what I had just said.  He got mad.  He started to raise his voice and I said I'm done and walked through the garage to go into the house.  Here he comes yelling after me that I am just acting like a child.  So I decided, yes, I can act like a child and slammed the door as I came into the house.

Sort of funny - guess he didn't like that at all.  Came in after me, cornered me, stuck his finger right in my face and was yelling at me and he just wouldn't stop.  I kept saying that I'm done.  I'm not discussing anything with you while you are in this mood.  To which he just ranted.  He just plain ranted.  Started accusing my sister who lives here that she had to come "rescue" me yesterday because I was so mad at him.  Honestly, I couldn't remember being mad at him at all, but just to shut him up, I said "yes".

About then the doorbell rang and it was her.  I told her we had to go walk.  Of course, she reminded me that she rescued me from the heat.  I had been working outside and was hot and sweaty and couldn't find something I was looking for and that's why I was upset.....so she rescued me!  LOL!

Now, why couldn't I remember that?

Buy why did he turn it around to me being upset with him?

It just amazes me.  I'm pretty sure he was having a sugar low.  But of course he knows that he wasn't.  But I'm sure the yelling got him up out of the low as fast as possible as he was pretty angry with me.

If he thinks he's going to go into a rage outside....he's got another "think" coming!!!

I think the day is just going to go downhill from here.  I am so grateful that I will be driving my sister 3 hours to her house this evening and for the next 2 days we will be packing up her stuff to get her moved down here.  At least I get a break from him.

As a note to myself.....He has unpacked his room/bathroom/office and got it all set up.  I have unpacked the library, my bedroom, laundry room, kitchen, living rooms as well as the entire garage.  He has not done a thing to help me with all that.  So I personally think if I wanted to get really pissed at him....I have every right to do so.

DW

Will life ever be normal again?

We are moved in....but not "moved" in.  I'm not sure I will ever get unpacked.  3700 sf into 1150 sf - you do the math!  LOL!!!  It just doesn't work.  Today we picked up a garden shed which will help and another bookcase.  That just means tomorrow I go to work assembling them!

Hubby has been having way too many sugar lows.  I think he is working more, walking to mom's in the evening with me, and hasn't cut his insulin.  Seems to be a morning problem, anywhere from 8 am - 10 am.

But he says he is happy here.  And he does seem to be trying to keep the peace.  We were back at our other house today and I asked if he wanted to stop by and see his grandkids.  He said no.  He said it was up to them to come see him.  I think he's a bit jealous as my son now lives 30 miles away and has stopped by 3 times in a week.  They do enjoy each other.  I think next time the son pops in I will ask them to do a project together.  We had a G scale bumper train and I have a perfect spot for it.   Would be a great project for them to do together.  I think if I get him involved with family things, he will be fine.

So a note for myself.  He is complaining about upper back severe pain.  The back surgeon had told him that once they fused the lower spine, the upper spine would start to curve and need to be fused.  I assume that is happening so I asked him if he would like to talk to his surgeon and he gave me an emphatic "no"!

DW

Moving day

Yesterday we loaded the moving truck. He put his bags at the front door. He didn't take them to the car. Just sat them by the door. The movers put them on the truck. So he has no insulin, no meds. We started unloading the truck last night and still can't see his bags. I want to say "idiot" except it's just so sad. Needless to say, he is a total bear. Yelling at me that his sugars are just fine. Oh happy moving day!!! Okay we find the bag early today as we continue to unload. DW....beyond exhausted!

Sooooo busy!!!

We've wired the cash and we close on Monday!!!  This is the first time in my life that I have a house paid for.....thanks to the generous settlement hubby received from his employer!  I am so beyond excited!!!  We've rented a small uhaul trailer and will take a first load down and unload Monday after we close.  I will stay and paint the inside of the house.  We move in a week from Sunday. Needless to say, I don't have time to blog!

But of interest, this morning, just as we were going into the bank, he crashed.  I had powerbars in the car and he ate one, but I tell you, he was a white as a sheet.  Have not had a low in several months and I wasn't prepared for this one.  But he got through it and we got done at the bank and came straight home and had an early lunch.  He's been just fine ever since.

If I don't post for the next few days, it's because I'm happily packing, moving, painting, designing our future in a tiny little retirement cottage.  He has agreed to walk over to mom's every evening and check in on her - just a short 4 block walk.  I have gorgeous beautiful roses already in full bloom climbing up the west side of the house!  And the very best rose garden in the whole town is right across the street from our home, so I will get to enjoy that on a daily basis!

DW

Surviving stress

Life is amazing. I have no patience. Last night I was so depressed as I needed to make another house hunting trip next week. I had spent 3 days printing out everything available in our price range, reviewing properties at the assessors office..... Tonight, our realtor called. Two days ago, I had told him if the contract on the house I wanted fell thru, I wanted to write a new one on it. He said it was a cash deal and there was no way it wouldn't sale. I said a prayer. The other realtor called him and said the couple decided to walk away from it. I said, how fast can you write a contract? He was at his kids baseball game. He called the other realtor and we now have a verbal agreement...to buy the house I really want. We may close next Friday!!! We may be moving in a week. I am so excited!! I will be 2 blocks from mom and my sister, 2 miles from another sister, 23 miles from my brother. I can hardly believe it. Hubby just says, "I never had any doubt" Funny. He is still on his best behavior.....and his glucose is coming down. The flatulence is gone. Perhaps he is back on track to live life a few more years!! Tonight I'm doing a huge happy dance that will be even bigger once we get moved in. He is still agreeing to pt the house in my name only....in exchange I will provide his health insurance for the rest of his life. Fair trade. Lied is better tonight. DW

Is he really changing?

Is it the Prozac?  I don't know, but things are great!  He is so calm....even keeled.  No outbursts in nearly 2 weeks now.  When I ask him to help, he does.   It's actually pleasant most of the time.  He does seem to be more isolated - is that the depression?  I have never been around anyone 24/7 that is on prozac.

There is such peace here right now.  Just when I was ready to walk away from it all.  So I wonder if this is a joke or something.  But I will take it while it lasts.  

Dare I push my luck?  Ask for even more changes?  I did ask him today what he wanted to do for the next 20 years and he said he didn't know.  So I said I thought he should think about that.  I said I would like to put our energy into fixing up our new home (if we ever find one) and into decorating it and he said that would be ok.

I asked him to help me do yardwork tomorrow and he said he would.  It can't be this simple.  I know - don't look a gift horse in the mouth!

Anyway, I needed to write about this and then see how long it lasts.  His glucose is getting back under control as the endo is working closely with him.  I am hoping the next A1c has much better results.  Is it a combination of that and the changes in other medications?

It's been a good day!

DW

Home

Interesting.  Came home after being gone this week. Clean house.  Smells clean. Counters are clean.  Everything is put away.

No conversation and I did not try to engage him in a conversation.  Simply unpacked, did laundry, caught up on emails, etc.  Sat down in the family room and he finally decided to chat with me....4 hours after I got home.

He went to bed at 7 pm.  I'm finishing laundry.

Not much of a marriage - but at least no yelling and screaming.  I am enjoying the peace.  I enjoyed my time away.

Drove by a house that I love, so I am going to mail a letter to the owner and see if they have any interest in selling.  One just never knows and it doesn't cost to ask!!!

Tomorrow is a new day and a new week.  Will continue walking and working on my own health.  Decided I need to start eating an apple a day to keep my doctor away!  LOL!!!

DW

Adrift

I'm at my sisters.  Getting a much needed break.  Adrift from any plans, changes....not even thinking about the future.  But having a great time.  Walked 3 miles with 2 of my sisters and that is my dream - to move here and be with family.  Looked at 4 more houses, liked 2 of them, but both are above our price range.

Rest - renews the soul, heals the body.  Sleeping so well.  Staying cool in the heat.   Having long talks.  Making notes.  Feeling younger even.

Will post again when I get home.

Lilly - I'm jealous of your camper.  :o)

DW