So bad it's almost funny

If you have followed this blog over the years, you will know that I have given up.  My mantra, "you can't fix stupid"!

So we were at the in-laws place finalizing some estate stuff and left to drive home Sunday afternoon.  We were packing up and I started asking him questions, "do you need to take...." and he got pissy and said, "I have my checklist and I will get it when I get to the list."

I shut up and packed up my stuff.

We got 6 hours away and he realized he did not pack his insulin.  I had seen it in the refrain....but it was on his "check list".

We found a hotel and yesterday morning, he called the pharmacy.  Made up a lie rather than simply telling them he forgot it 6 hours back.  They needed to check with is doc to see if they could refill it.

I drove the next 6 hours.  Got to the pharmacy which is an hour away from our home and they had gotten the doc's ok, but they don't stock Humulin R U-500 - they would have it today.

Today, he drove the hour and they had no record of any phone calls.  No Humulin.  Will have it tomorrow after 1 pm.

That means he missed 40U Sunday, 80U Monday, 80 U today and at least 40U tomorrow.

Yep, he is about a cranky as I have ever seen him.  Pretty much slammed the door shut to his room, not speaking to me, grumbling, snorting, trying desperately to piss me off every time he surfaces.

But this is his problem, not mine.  All of it.  I went to see my sisters today and we had a great time.  Then I unpacked most of what I brought home and now I'm cleaning the teapot, bread machine, etc., that he had been using down there the last 3 years.  I swear, the man never cleaned a thing.  The toaster oven (it's a $350 oven or I'd throw it away) is so bad....but I'm making progress.  Exhausted.  But ever so grateful to be home.

Am I worried that he might go into a coma? Of course I am.  I'll deal with it if and when it happens.  There is nothing I can do to make him think, reason, plan....I have learned.  He is like a bull in a china shop - going to do it his way, every step of the way!  I just sit back and watch.  It is his body, his disease, and he won't listen to me, gets upset when I remind him of things or ask him about things.....so yep,  I simply sit here and wonder why anyone would treat their body the way he treats his.

Most of the drive home, I pondered his need to lie to the pharmacy and how much he must be lying to me.  I wonder if he lies because he lies to himself about his diabetes?  Interesting thought.

At least we are home. :)

DW

Eyesight and filth

I understand that diabetes will attack the eyes.  Hubby has been having events which he calls white migraines.  He will get the headache, everything goes white and he cannot see.

But I'm wondering about other vision.  He had cornea transplants at age 30 and now wears hard lenses over soft lenses in both eyes which are supposed to correct his vision to 20/40.

We are at the in-laws working on some estate issues.  I pray this is my last trip here.  I left in May and he came home in August.  He's been here for 2 weeks this time and I flew in yesterday.

I cannot begin to describe how filthy the toilet is.  Stuff piled everywhere in this tiny place.  It's like he comes in and just lays things down wherever there is a spot.

So I have started cleaning.  Can he not see the urine stains on the rug under the toilet?  Or is it that he just down't care?  Can he not see that the stopper in the sink is covered with toothpaste skum?  Or does he just not notice?

I am packing up everything that is mine and taking it home this trip.  So do I even care?  He can keep this place as a place to stay when he comes to visit his brother.  Our "real" house is quite small and I don't have room for much, so I will leave everything here except for personal items.  I simply can't keep up with the cleaning - I just cleaned his bathroom at home when he left for this trip!

The piles that I have to look at are gone, the bathroom is clean.  I have packed several boxes already.  I think I'm done for the day.  And yes....it's the day before Christmas.  Not exactly what I planned to be doing but a bathroom at McDonald's was cleaner than this one!

May 2016 bring great joy to your life and may your non-compliant diabetic have their blinders removed!

DW

Holding our own

Well, we still haven't resolved the pharmacy issue with our insurance.  But I did go ahead and switch to high option for 2016.  I decided that I would rather be broke than risk losing the house to medical bills next year!  Such a choice, huh?

Things are on a pretty even keel around here.  We are going to head to his parents in a couple of weeks to finalize a few more things on the estate and close the house up.  I will get a few things of mine that I left down there.  Hoping to only be gone 10 days, but we are driving and it will all depend on what weather we run into.  It's about 1000 miles away.

We are bringing back a power lift chair and a jazzy wheelchair in the event they are needed in the future.  So I have been purging the house, deciding where to put the chair and cleaning out the front of the garage so the wheelchair can go out there.   This is a tiny little 1100 sf house, so there's not much room for even 1 more chair!

I will get a few things of mine that I left behind and bring them home.  And then there are no plans to return.  His brother will be there this trip to help with the estate issues.

There have been no highs or lows, no medical issues, and I almost feel like this is the calm before the storm.  Ever get that feeling?  I am enjoying the quiet.

Hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving - there is so much to be grateful for right now.

DW

how do you pay for all those medical expenses???

First off....feel free to post any comments you want, good or bad.  However, do not post comments that link to your website wanting to sell a product or give some kind of advice.  Just leave the link out.  If the link is there, I will delete the comment and it won't get posted.  I'm not willing to be used as a vehicle to further your business.  :)


DW2 wrote in a recent comment:

once he fell and hit his head, requiring one or two stitches. Another time I found him lying flat on the floor with hs eyes shut on the kitchen floor between the counter and the refrigerator.

and it got me to thinking.....how do you continue to finance the increased costs associated with diabetes?  Not just the medications and office visits....but the emergencies.  We have excellent health insurance - due to my past employment.....not his!  I am so grateful for the decisions I made throughout my career that afforded me the ability to retire at age 50 with such excellent benefits.  But what if I weren't so fortunate?

It is open enrollment time and hubby is now on Medicare.  We are going from low option on my plan to high option - another $275 per month!  But I feel that we have to increase the coverage as the co-pays and deductibles on low option will eat us alive.  And because the premiums are taken out of my retirement checks, I've told him he has to write me a check each month.

I can already see what is going to happen.....there will be excuse after excuse as to why he won't write the check - so I will have to manage my expenses on $275 less per month.

Which simply put - aggravates me!  Why am I paying for his health insurance at all?  Because I'm a good wife.  LOL!  But there are moments when I have to ask.....why should I?  Remember, he does nothing to take care of his health.  Except take pills.  It is completely and totally frustrating. 

Last month, his pharmacy dinged his bank account $966 for his Humulin.  They held the month out 9 days.  Fortunately, he had the funds to cover it.  He called the day it happened and they claim they didn't "see" his supplemental insurance on my account.  What if he hadn't had the funds to cover that for the 9 days?  What if other checks had bounced because of this?  So I filed a grievance with the health insurance company in order to get them to change their policies to insure this doesn't happen to him or anyone else.  I am learning the grievance process now.  Nothing happens fast in a huge insurance company.  We drove 75 miles to attend 2 meetings that we could schedule on the same day. Everyone agreed it is their fault....everyone agrees what needs to happen - no one knows how to make it happen.  I get a phone call about every 3 days telling me they are "working on it."  

I feel certain that his next prescription will come due before they figure out what has to happen.

And I'm sure we are not alone in this journey.  I'm sure it happens all the time.  But when it happens to you and it's almost ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS that is taken out of your account inappropriately....it tends to make you sit up wide awake!  LOL!!!

So lets do that math.  I'm going to be out ANOTHER THREE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS in 2016 - that's the $275 increased insurance premiums times 12 months - because of this man who refuses to comply with his diabetes plan.

Hmmmm........

What is your greatest fear?

I think that is such a brilliant question.  As the spouse of a non-compliant diabetic  - what is your greatest  fear?

Wow!  Not sure.  It could be the progression - not knowing what will happen next.  Will he have another heart attack, need more back surgery, have his kidneys fail completely - he's stage 4 ERSD and will refuse dialysis.

Is it the prospect of future hospitalizations, medical bills, and how do we pay for them without losing the house?

I don't fear death, or being left alone (been there for the last 3 years), or coma (been there with him on that as well)  

Do I fear that he will die on "my watch"?  Perhaps sometimes.  I think it is the old question of what to do when.  He has a DNR in place, but if I don't call 911 immediately - what are the ramifications of that decision?

Perhaps I fear the unknown - just not knowing what could happen at any moment.  No - once you have jumped on this roller coaster ride of highs and lows....I think you just learn how to be flexible and go with the flow of the ride.

What about crazy anger outbursts, sugar lows or highs, this emotional spikes and rages?  No - I have learned to live through them, sad as that sounds.

No, I really do not know what my greatest fear is.  What's yours?

Diabetes, dementia and alzheimers

We know for a fact that diabetes eats away at the nerve endings in the hands and feet.  Then that process progresses to other organs.  Including the brain.  We just don't know at what rate.

We know what the symptoms of dementia and Alzheimers are.  But when it comes on quite slowly, over a long period of time, to we acknowledge the signs, or do we simply write them off to other aspects of life?

Last Friday, hubby went to the store and came home with 2 nice steaks and said he would grill them for us sometime that weekend.  I said, "I'm not going to be here!" and he exclaimed, "oh! that's right!"

Wouldn't have given that conversation a second thought - EXCEPT - it was the 5th time I had reminded him in a variety of other conversations over the past week that I would not be home that weekend!

We all forget.  But to have to remind/repeat 5 times....is that normal?

This morning he asked me what I wanted to do for lunch as we were driving to a neighboring town to do a little shopping.  I said, "let's decide when we get there."  Not 5 miles down the road, he asked the very same question and I said, "I thought we were going to decide when we get there" to which he replied, "oh, that's right - I forgot."

It is now happening 2 - 3 times every day.  I try not to worry about it as it's just superficial questions.  But how long until he forgets where he is, who I am, whether he took his insulin or not.

I think the journey is about to get quite interesting!

What will I do if he goes into a diabetic coma?

He asked me that one day.  He said, you'll dump me in a nursing home!  To which I replied jokingly, "glad we have one just 2 blocks away!"

He did NOT see my humor!  LOLOL!!!

So I sat here and head a bit of a heart to heart with him.  I know his biggest fear is being left alone, being "dumped" somewhere.  But I also know he had never thought it out.

I confessed that if I find him in a coma, I will do everything I can to save him.  I know the "drill".  And I will call 911 which he absolutely, positively, without question does NOT want me to do.

But the more I told him my thoughts, the more he calmed down and came to realize the predicament I would be in.

He weighs about 280 lbs.

In a coma, he would be "dead weight".

Could I even roll him on his side??  I couldn't possibly lift him, get him up off the floor.  If he had slumped over in his chair, could I even get him on the ground?  There is the physical aspect that he had never even considered.

If he did not come out of the coma, how long do I wait to call 911?  And when they arrive even 30 minutes later, how do I explain to them the delay in calling?  And if he never comes out of the coma, how do I explain that delay to his children?  How do I explain that their dad told me to never call 911 and expect them to understand?

No, I will call.

And then from there the discussion went on - what do I do if he has a stroke?  Yes, I will keep him at home as long as I can with as much help as I can get, but there is only so much available.  Again, I cannot lift him to the toilet, I cannot physically roll him over if he cannot assist me - there are so many levels of questions that can't be put into a hypothetical situation.  

But he started to realize that if I put him in a nursing home, it would only be because I cannot physically care for him, not because I don't want to.  It was if lights went off in his head and since that day, he has never again accused me of wanting to "dump" him.

Sometimes talking is good!

I also realize that there was a time in my past that I was simply scared to death to leave him.  Afraid that if I did, I would come home and find him in a coma.  But I have finally realized that was a very unhealthy state that I was in!  If he goes into a coma, it's because he didn't do what he needed to do either through his medications, his diet - the bottom line - it has nothing to do with me.  And when I get home, I will do whatever I need to do at that point to take care of him.  But I cannot just sit here waiting for the "what ifs" to take place!  Maybe that's when I started getting my life back instead of living his life so much of the time!

I think my current question is more tied up with dementia and Alzheimer's.  But that will be another day's discussion!    Hope you have a great day - get out there and do something for yourself today!

DW

update from wifeofadiabetic2

She has a new blog url - wifed2.blogspot.com

So if you have lost track of her, go check it out - all is as good as can be expected.

_____________

In the past, I have written quite a bit about the importance of finding a passion in your life in order to deal with the diabetes in his life.  I think there are several aspects to this that I am just now discovering.  And perhaps he had to leave in order for me to step back and breathe in order to find multiple passions in my life.

It started with gardening.  I woke up one spring day in 2013, went outside, and just started digging up sod in the year.  It turned into my therapy.  Digging is great for anger.....take it out on the ground!  Something new sprouting up from the ground gives hope.  Each new bloom on a flower reminds us of the beauty that's out there....I could go on and on.  But when I started that morning, I just needed desperately to do something, anything!

So gardening has become my summertime passion and when hubby moved home this summer - in the middle of the summer - I couldn't stop.  I had to get up each morning, get outside before it got hot, and get done whatever it was that needed to get done.

And he had to take care of himself.

I wasn't available.

It's a new routine.  Quite different that where we had been 3 years ago.  And it took him awhile to adjust to it.  A number of "discussions".  But why should I change my life, my routine, my day just because he moved back home.

And why/when/how had I changed in the first place before he left?  Oh, we all know - it's a routine, gradual, not-really-paying-any-attention thing that just gradually evolves.  The more he needs help, the more I gave up the things I loved to do in order to stay and help him out.

In other words - I got suckered in!  LOL!!!

So, now that summer is over - what is my winter passion?  Not sure where that one ends!  I am an artist, so back at my creating.  But I am also researching a local history story that happened about 150 years ago.  A murder/mystery of all things.  And I'm a genealogist.  Have been doing genealogy since I was 16, so I am looking at the family histories of the families involved in the murder/mystery - about 20 different families, some interrelated, some not.  And there's an ethnicity to the story so I am studying that as well!

Gets me out of the house to the history center, the clerk and recorder's office, the assessors office as I want to know which house each family lived in, what were the connections between each family, between them and the murdered guy, the murderer.  What makes this story so interesting is that there are 3 possible murderers!!!  It truly is a wonderful story and I'm deep in the midst of research.

So that presents the question - can you be too busy?  Well, I suppose any human being can.  But one must find balance as with everything in life.  I've been asked to speak about my research in a meeting in a couple of months and I want to finish a couple research projects before I'm done.

Yet I know that I still have to clean the house, walk with my sister, grocery shop.....the mundane things of life.  And I need to find time to "force" him to socialize.  Whether that be with family visits, eating out, running errands - he does need to get out once in awhile and he wouldn't if I didn't "drag" him with me.

This all comes down to the final question this morning - do you have passion in your life?  Do you have personal goals, unrelated to your spouse's diabetes?  Or do you allow HIS disease to consume YOUR life 24/7?  If so, time to get up, get out, find something you absolutely love to do, and then do it!!!  All the while remembering what this blog is all about - it's about a completely, utterly, totally non-compliant spouse who refuses to do what he needs to do in order to handle his disease.  That is HIS job, not mine!  And I think we tend to forget that at times.  I know - there are those with diabetes who think I'm a complete bitch!  But I happen to think if you have a disease and you refuse or won't take care of yourself, then you can't blame me for what happens to you!

Which begs the question - what will I do if he goes into a diabetic coma?  We'll tackle that one in the morning!  For now, have a great day - go find your passion!

DW

from DW in Texas

she wrote:

DW...I can't thank you enough for your posts...(just wish they were more often)...They HELP so much in my darkening world...I truly look forward to reading them over & over... You actually make me feel there is something else in my life besides dh & all that goes with it...please know you have a gift & pray you'll continue sharing/posting your "lifeline" for others...DW in Texas

Thanks.  Now that hubby is back living here I'm sure I will have more to post.  I have always said that if my "writing" will help one other person, I will keep it up.  :)

So an update on hubby.  In 2011, he had spinal fusion surgery.  You can go back through this blog and find the posts as it was a horrific experience.  It was his lower back that was fused and the surgeon said that in 5-10 years his upper back would need it.  He has been in excruciating pain and the X-rays show that yes, sooner than expected, he now needs the upper back fused.  I told him we could at least talk to the surgeon. 

But I will not do what I did last time.  People say that I "saved" him by becoming his advocate.  There truly were a hundred things that went wrong in that hospitalization.  But I cannot do it again.  First, we have moved and it would be about 50 miles to the hospital and I won't be "on call" to make that drive in the middle of the night.  I promise I will be there during the surgery and I will go every 3-4 days and spend time, but I will not be the advocate again.  Second - I'm older and wiser now.  I have a friend who's hubby had to go to the VA hospital which was about an hour from their home.  She simply couldn't do the commute and visited him once a week.  I think he was in for 3 weeks.  She said it kept her sane and I do understand that - there is something about being in a hospital 24/7 and not being the patient, not having access to mind-numbing drugs, that just isn't quite right!  LOL!!!

Hubby does not have the referral yet.  So it might be a few before we see the surgeon.  In the meantime, he is spending just about 24/7 in his room, either sitting in a chair, or in bed.  No exercise.  No socialization.  I doubt he could due to the pain.

But I am so dang busy I can't pay attention!  It's fall and today I had to drain and cover the fountains and pond, take off the pergola cover, take down the screens from the gazebo (yes, we have both!) and get ready for snow.  OK - I will never be ready for snow!  Then we drove an hour to the nearest town with a PetSmart to get some pet food and other supplies.  Love living in a tiny village....not so much when it comes to getting stuff you need.  And of course, Walmart doesn't carry the stuff we need.  Came home and finished in the yard - think I'm ready for winter here!  

If you want to contact me, you can do the yahoo email, but I may not get to it if I forget.  You can always post a comment here and post it anonymously and those send alerts to my "real" email.  :o)  Sorry, but I still feel the need to keep myself hidden so that I can be as honest as possible about what happens to the body of a non-compliant diabetic.  Yes, I have wondered how much of his back problems are due to his high sugars eating away at nerve endings and other tissues.....or is it just something that would have happened regardless?

Todays suggestion - find something you love to do (gardening/crafting/genealogy.....) and do it with so much passion that you don't have time to think about diabetes.  After all, it's not your disease.  :)

DW

Dear Tom's Wife

I tried to post a comment on your blog and it wouldn't let me.  If you see this post, please let us know how you are doing.  It's been almost a year since you posted and things weren't going so well.  Keeping you in my prayers.

DW

A very good comment

a reader posted this:

I know exactly how you feel. And this blog illustrates to me just how long a non-compliant diabetic's chronic decline can affect their loved one's lives. It seems endless, and with no hope for getting better. Only a promise of years to come with losses and horrible physical and mental problems to contend with.  Having your own life aside from that horror is key to maintaining your sanity and health through the duration of this event in your life. The option is to leave.  So if you decide to be there for your loved one, you must take care of yourself first. Even if it sounds selfish. Put your oxygen mask on first - THEN help your neighbor. - get it ?!That means find something to do in your life that you love. Do it every day if you need to. Protect your self. A friend put it this way: Don't let your life get stuck iin the axle of their illness. We are all separate to some degree, even when healthy and happy. Realize that. Don't feel guilty about it.

I liked the analysis of putting your oxygen mask on first....then helping those around you.  I think that's a very good thought.

But sometimes in a crisis, I forget to do that!  Something I am going to work on.

The good thing for me is that I have found a variety of things that I love to do.....and I do them as often as possible.

And yes, a non-compliant diabetic's chronic decline seems endless.  Absolutely no hope of getting better.  Just more and more things going wrong with the body, more medications, more side effects.  Maybe the hardest part is to watch the other person decline right in front of your eyes.

Or to notice the tiny little differences from one day to the next:

"why is the skin under your eyes so white today" (a symptom of kidney failure)

"why are you so quiet today?" (depression, pain, drug effects?)

it seems endless at times.  So I go garden.  I have strawberries blooming in October - a great reminder that there is hope, no matter what the season is.  :o)

More surgery or not?

I don't post unless there's something new or different.  There's still the roller coaster ride of highs and lows...but he is trying hard to contain them.  I appreciate that.  He has had significant back pain, so finally had X-rays done.  As predicted, his upper back now needs to be fused and he's been referred to a neurosurgeon.

If you remember back in 2011 when he had his spinal fusion surgery - it was a nightmare.  They wrote down the wrong insulin and cut his dose by 90%.  So he crashed on the operating table.  Afterwards, he had blockage in his intestines and had a stomach pump in for 2 weeks.  He also got c-dif - a horrible hospital infection....just so many things that went wrong, and he said he would never go back to a hospital.

But sometimes, pain can change your mind.  I have decided that we can at least talk to the surgeon.....but I wonder about more surgery.  Could he survive?  Would it solve the pain issue?  If he doesn't have the surgery, how long can he survive the pain....it's pretty severe.

A1c is still between 8 and 10.  No improvement in that.  How long can one survive with such high A1c?  He's been at this level consistently since 2008.

On another note, a reader posted this in the comments on an earlier post:
You asked How does your spouse deal with grief and sugar highs and lows. Mine has rage as his first outlet. But like you I have made some rules. He is aware that the option is that I can leave. I don't say it often, but he knows it.  My question to you is - Keeping your gardening, focusing on something that gives your life good moments - does that help you to alsoIt  be able to seee the good moments between you and your spouse? As those good moments become less and less, and he turns into someone almost completely different than he was? It's kind of like how an alcoholic dies; they get mean. They aren't at all who they used to be. The personality changes SO Much! So I have friends that I do my one activity I like with. Focusing on that activity while we're doing it, as if life were normal, is what keeps me going. They don't know my situation though. They are just activity buddies. And not talking about Diabetes is kind of a treat. It's as if that part of my life doesn't HAVE diabetes in it. But I'm having difficulty maintaining at home because it's so depressing there! It's showing up in my lack of attention to the house upkeep. It's as if the house is dying along with my husband. Nothing gets fixed unless it is imperative! So little by little through the years the disrepair builds. I guess the answer is I should just tackle it myself. It might me feel alot better and gradually the house will become mine. And I will gradually learn to be the boss of those kinds of decisions. Taking the reins where he used to be the boss while he is still physically here - is one of the hardest things for me. Mechanical things. Construction. Financial decisions. The fact that I have to not just make them, but override him (because his idea these days is to let it go. Or say he'll get to it but he never does) and THEN do these unfamiliar things. That is maybe a lesson I wil take from this event in our lives, that will make me stronger and more capable when I am actually alone.When this is over. If it ever will be over. I sometimes think that it will kill me first.

My response.  Gardening has been a huge help.  It occupies my time from April - October.   It creates good moments between hubby and me because he enjoys how wonderful the yard is.  He can sit on the back deck and watch me work, talk to me while I'm working.  It gets him outside a little more often.

There are many aspects of my life that are void of diabetes and I agree, that is mandatory.  I am an artist and have groups that I join, events I attend. Diabetes is never mentioned.

I agree, I have learned how to do so much on my own.  Mostly due to the 3 year separation.  Youtube has been a godsend!  I don't think there is anything I can't tackle.  And because of the gardens, the house has to look great, inside and out.  Now that he is back, I do run most decisions by him....but I already know the answer.  :o)

Overriding him is an issue.  I wait until I'm pretty sure the sugar is normal to even have a discussion.  He is getting more and more forgetful....so I am repeating myself more and more - holding my tongue, trying not to let him know how frustrating it can be.  Yesterday alone he asked me 4 times about my plans for today.

Some days, I'm pretty sure I will die first.  But for the most part, diabetes is HIS problem, not mine, and in my life I try hard to keep it on the back burner.  Which keeps me sane.  :)

Starting over

Hubby has moved back here.  Been a week and things are going ok.  But I do realize we are in a "honeymoon" phase.  I will say that he is working overtime to make this work and I am not complaining.  He has not had labs done yet.  He has not seen a doctor yet.  He is doing great at keeping his anger in check.

He inherited his dad's chihuahua.  She broke her leg at a young age and had to have it amputated.  So now I am "mom" to 2 chihuahuas after 3 years of no pets.  That may be the biggest adjustment.  :)

The house is completely torn up and in total disarray as I would expect any time someone moves in or out.  So I am doing my best to stay patient with the mess.  Keeping busy working in my garden.  This is my 3rd summer and things are growing and blooming like crazy.  It keeps me sane!

Only time will tell how this will work out.  He kept his dad's place so I know he can always leave and go back and I am fine with that at the moment.  I want to keep the "legal separation" that we have in place for the time being.  Simply not willing to make changes of any kind and there is no reason to make snap decisions.  Hoping he will get labs done this week.

There is a saying "in the end it will be ok because it will be the end" and while I am not really ready to be the wife of a diabetic again, I have had a lovely 3 year break and perhaps I have built up the strength and had the rest that I need to see this through to the end.  Only time will tell.

And yes, he is still very non-compliant.  Last night alone he ate ice cream, a cinnamon roll, rollos....but I'm sure he's been eating just like that for the last 3 years.  I am trying so hard to keep my mouth shut!  No, I did not buy them, he did!  I have lost 35 pounds while he was gone and I am determined to keep it off!

Here's hoping week 2 is as good as week 1 was.

DW

Life goes on

A week after my last post, hubby's dad passed away.  We left the next day to go back.  Hubby had just finished his last doctor's appointment that day.

So things just went downhill from there.  In retrospect....was it grief?  was it a diabetic low?  was it just stress?  I will never know, but the fights were horrendous and just seemed to grow.  Hubby started making terrible decisions faster than I could absorb them.  I tried to be supportive.  His brother was there and pushing so hard as he needed to get things done before he went home.

Eventually, I broke down.  Walked out - climbed up into the hills, found a rock and had a good cry.  Hubby called asking me to come back.  Well, where was I going?  LOL!  After I finished my cry, I went back and things were a little better.  Both guys decided to back off on making changes.  Things slowed down.  But there were more huge fights.  

I think the worst one was a sugar related one.  It's been so long since I've been around him I really had to give it time to sink in.  And oh, my goodness....the memories just came flooding back.  

So I am back home now.  He and his brother are going to keep their parent's place.  I am not going back.  Hubby can decide to stay or come back here - I just do not care.  I have made my "rules" pretty clear - if he comes back here, he is going to keep the place clean, smell free, no fights, and deal with his problems.    But I need a few weeks alone here.  It has been intense.  But death always is.  

I am most mad at myself as I had lost 35 pounds and I have now put 20 back on.  So back on the diet tomorrow and I am not going to do this again. I can't!  I'm just too old.  ha ha!  I know it was all stress eating and I do have to get that under control.

So, how does your diabetic spouse deal with grief and sugar highs and lows.  A new, rather interesting situation for me.

If he does move back, I will be back to posting more often.  In the meantime, I have loads of gardening to get to as I have been gone more than I've been home this year.  

Since my last post in February, I have come home, gone on a month long vacation with my sisters, gone back and spent 3 weeks with hubby and now we are both home for 3 weeks as he needs a break from taking care of his dad.  Until yesterday, things had gone great.  The plans are to spend a couple more weeks here, then go back to his dad's where I will spend a couple of weeks, then I'll head home for the summer.

What happened yesterday.  For the past few days, there have been horrible smells coming from his room whenever he opens the door.  I assumed it was our aging dog.  So I started on a mission with the black light to find where she had peed on the carpet.  I set out a can of freshener stuff, sprayed other products on the carpet....things I have done forever in the past.  In the back of my mind I kept thinking that this was not the smell of dog urine, but something I had experienced before and I was truly puzzled.

Last night, the smell was so bad I wanted to vomit.  So I asked hubby if he knew what it could be.  I told him it was making me sick and that today I would get a rug doctor and clean the carpets.  Me- still thinking it was our dog.

A couple of hours later, he comes into my bedroom and says, "the smells are all me.  I will pack up and drive back to dad's tomorrow and figure out how to get your car back to you."  I said, "what do you mean the smells are all you?"  (I was truly shocked by his statement as that thought had never crossed my mind!)  He said, I ate cheese and it is not agreeing with me.  You said that I am making you sick, so I will leave.

I almost wanted to burst out laughing.....or scream my head off.  Nowhere had I EVER said (or even thought) that "he" was making me sick.  I thought it was the dog!  And then is martyrdom....oh my goodness....that he is going to pack up, drive back to his dad's, leave me here without a vehicle....

I said, "stop being such a martyr!"  To which he stomped off to his room!  OK, isn't martyr the right term?  I found this definition online:  someone who is making a big deal out of their own work or suffering.

Again, I thought it was the dog!

And then my brain kicks in.  Remember - he's been gone for almost 3 years and I haven't had to deal with anything diabetic.....ketoacidosis.  That's the smell.  He had it horrible after his back surgery when his kidneys failed and he was on dialysis, and it's the very same smell.  Kidney failure.  And with all the neuropathy, he probably doesn't smell it at all.  If you haven't experienced it - it's a sweet acidic type smell and when it gets bad, it's nauseating.  

He's still in bed and I'm sure when he does wake up, he will be all apologetic and tell me how sorry he is and then he will do things to eliminate the odor.  It's always the pattern.  If it's anything different, I will post again.  But my memory recall is flooding back and I realize what an amazing gift I've had to be free of these "temper tantrums" - ok, highs and lows - for the last 3 years.  That being said, I also am fully aware of how exhausted he is from taking care of his father who is also a diabetic.

I may be a horrible person, but I'm going to say it again - this is NOT my disease.  Yet a diabetic produces all these side effects that a spouse must deal with.  ESRD is not pretty.  It is not pleasant.  I don't care how much you love a person, ketoacidosis is rank and can make you puke!  Well, at least make you dry heave which is also not pleasant!  The fact that he can't smell it is shocking.

Going to relax a bit before the "day" begins!

keeping your privacy

Had a comment from someone who couldn't figure out how to keep their identity private.  Well, I simply set up a fake email account with yahoo.  Then I used that "valid" email name to set up an account with google and thus this blog.  If I have an address....it's pretty much fake.  Keeps my location private that way as well.

I only have about 3 days left of this visit with hubby.  We had an interesting day today - a true Friday the 13th, so I'm pretty much writing it off.  But I dropped him off to get his haircut while I ran an errand.  Got back quickly and pulled into the handicapped parking spot.  He came out about 10 minutes later, looked at me, looked the other way, then pulled out his cell phone and I knew he was calling to find out where I was.  I rolled down the window and yelled to him before he made the call.  He said he didn't see me.  Sort of makes you wonder what's going on.  But again...it IS Friday the 13th!

Have been doing more cleaning on this trip, but I have also been in repair and restore mode.  Fixing things up, painting, patching.  Creating a small space of my own in a spare bedroom.  Found a group on FB to join so I can meet other women in the area.  I'm going overseas the month of March, then I'll be back here in April.  Going to be quite the busy year, that's for sure!  At least I can still travel and I'm so grateful for that!  He will be at my place in May and get his labs done then so I'll try to post an update with those.

DW

Things continue to improve

Hubby has been gone 2 years, 5 months.  After his November visit, I let him fly me to visit him in December.  3 weeks.  I was so anxious.  But it went really well and I'm going back the end of this month for another 3 weeks.  He now calls numerous times a day telling me how much he misses me, that he loves me....

WHAT HAPPENED?  What changed?  and w-h-a-t-t-h-e-h-e-c-k?????  LOL!!!

Thinking back.  In Jan, 2013, I was ready to divorce him.  It got worse in Sept that year.  But in Nov, that visit went ok.  Just ok.  Not great, but not horrible.  Jan 2014, that was an ok visit.  But in Nov and Dec, we actually had a great time together.

Is is just the length of the separation?  Has he forgotten what our life had become?  Has he erased everything?  Or does it boil down to finances?  He needs my health insurance and my benefits.  Because of my employment, he does not have the so-called "Medicare Gap" and found out that I am saving him about $7500 in Oct, Nov, and Dec.

So yeah, he "should" love me!  :o)

I have decided to take a wait and see attitude about all of this.  I'm not going to rock the boat.  Just going to enjoy this.  We are still legally separated and I plan to keep it that way.  But if he wants to fly me to where he is, take me shopping and out to dinner - hey!  I'm up for that.

He will be here in May and will get his labs done then.  Will be interesting to see if his A1c is still at 10.2.

The really great thing for me is that I am literally and completely diabetic living free.....and that is a huge difference.  In fact, I could not have explained this to myself or anyone else, I think I had to experience it.  Living with a diabetic partner takes a huge toll out of one's self, both physically, emotionally AND financially.  I think when I was living it - I was in denial.  But I am in better physical shape today than I have been at any point in the last 15 years.  That constant, daily, roller-coaster ride simply depletes a person.  Zaps the life-blood out of you!  The never knowing when the other person is going to be happy, sane, mad, screaming, raging......life without that is certainly healthier!  And again, remember, I was with a non-compliant diabetic.  I pray it's different if the diabetes is under control.  Something I never experienced as evidenced by that high A1c.

Taking it slow and steady with the hopes of keeping healthy and happy.  Hope you are, too!