Tuesday, June 02, 2015

Life goes on

A week after my last post, hubby's dad passed away.  We left the next day to go back.  Hubby had just finished his last doctor's appointment that day.

So things just went downhill from there.  In retrospect....was it grief?  was it a diabetic low?  was it just stress?  I will never know, but the fights were horrendous and just seemed to grow.  Hubby started making terrible decisions faster than I could absorb them.  I tried to be supportive.  His brother was there and pushing so hard as he needed to get things done before he went home.

Eventually, I broke down.  Walked out - climbed up into the hills, found a rock and had a good cry.  Hubby called asking me to come back.  Well, where was I going?  LOL!  After I finished my cry, I went back and things were a little better.  Both guys decided to back off on making changes.  Things slowed down.  But there were more huge fights.  

I think the worst one was a sugar related one.  It's been so long since I've been around him I really had to give it time to sink in.  And oh, my goodness....the memories just came flooding back.  

So I am back home now.  He and his brother are going to keep their parent's place.  I am not going back.  Hubby can decide to stay or come back here - I just do not care.  I have made my "rules" pretty clear - if he comes back here, he is going to keep the place clean, smell free, no fights, and deal with his problems.    But I need a few weeks alone here.  It has been intense.  But death always is.  

I am most mad at myself as I had lost 35 pounds and I have now put 20 back on.  So back on the diet tomorrow and I am not going to do this again. I can't!  I'm just too old.  ha ha!  I know it was all stress eating and I do have to get that under control.

So, how does your diabetic spouse deal with grief and sugar highs and lows.  A new, rather interesting situation for me.

If he does move back, I will be back to posting more often.  In the meantime, I have loads of gardening to get to as I have been gone more than I've been home this year.  

1 comment:

Managing said...

You asked How does your spouse deal with grief and sugar highs and lows.
Mine has rage as his first outlet. But like you I have made some rules. He is aware that the option is that I can leave.
I don't say it often, but he knows it.
My question to you is - Keeping your gardening, focusing on something that gives your life good moments - does that help you to also be able to seee the good moments between you and your spouse? As those good moments become less and less, and he turns into someone almost completely different than he was? It's kind of like how an alcoholic dies; they get mean. They aren't at all who they used to be. The personality changes SO Much!
So I have friends that I do my one activity I like with. Focusing on that activity while we're doing it, as if life were normal, is what keeps me going. They don't know my situation though. They are just activity buddies. And not talking about Diabetes is kind of a treat. It's as if that part of my life doesn't HAVE diabetes in it.
But I'm having difficulty maintaining at home because it's so depressing there! It's showing up in my lack of attention to the house upkeep. It's as if the house is dying along with my husband. Nothing gets fixed unless it is imperative! So little by little through the years the disrepair builds. I guess the answer is I should just tackle it myself. It might me feel alot better and gradually the house will become mine. And I will gradually learn to be the boss of those kinds of decisions.
Taking the reins where he used to be the boss while he is still physically here - is one of the hardest things for me.
Mechanical things. Construction. Financial decisions. The fact that I have to not just make them, but override him (because his idea these days is to let it go. Or say he'll get to it but he never does) and THEN do these unfamiliar things. That is maybe a lesson I wil take from this event in our lives, that will make me stronger and more capable when I am actually alone.
When this is over.
If it ever will be over.
I sometimes think that it will kill me first.