Sunday, November 15, 2015

What is your greatest fear?

I think that is such a brilliant question.  As the spouse of a non-compliant diabetic  - what is your greatest  fear?

Wow!  Not sure.  It could be the progression - not knowing what will happen next.  Will he have another heart attack, need more back surgery, have his kidneys fail completely - he's stage 4 ERSD and will refuse dialysis.

Is it the prospect of future hospitalizations, medical bills, and how do we pay for them without losing the house?

I don't fear death, or being left alone (been there for the last 3 years), or coma (been there with him on that as well)  

Do I fear that he will die on "my watch"?  Perhaps sometimes.  I think it is the old question of what to do when.  He has a DNR in place, but if I don't call 911 immediately - what are the ramifications of that decision?

Perhaps I fear the unknown - just not knowing what could happen at any moment.  No - once you have jumped on this roller coaster ride of highs and lows....I think you just learn how to be flexible and go with the flow of the ride.

What about crazy anger outbursts, sugar lows or highs, this emotional spikes and rages?  No - I have learned to live through them, sad as that sounds.

No, I really do not know what my greatest fear is.  What's yours?


TomsWife said...

Interesting question. I have gone through many low-sugar episodes and now know how to handle the "normal ones" when he goes into the 50's. but the fear of him going super low (to the point of passing out) still scares me, its happened before, once he fell and hit his head, requiring one or two stitches. Another time I found him lying flat on the floor with hs eyes shut on the kitchen floor between the counter and the refrigerator. It is incredibly scary every time. in part because i feel so helpless. intellectually, i know that i do everything within my power (calling 911). but in my heart remains the fear that he will die before I can help him.

I am certain that his death will tear me apart -- after all I am losing my best friend in the world after 30 years of being together (half of my life). I also know that I will be ok living on my own, although that needs a time of adjustment I am sure.

And maybe my biggest fear is that he will have a length of time when he is no longer himself. whether it be from brain deterioration or kidney disease or whatever. Helping him will be more difficult that what we have now and probably he will not be nice about it. I take too much of his sugar-anger (when he is low) personally although I am better than I used to be. but trying to take care of him in that regard would just be horrible.

But who knows, We have a lot of time and our love has grown deeper with the years -- I know sappy, but true.

Managing said...

My biggest fear is that I will forget what a wonderful man he used to be and mostly remember the horrible stuff that has been going on for so many years and as it gets worse and goes on longer.
Also that this may kill me.